


Rated PG For Pretty Gay

by Siduki



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Asexual Character, Bants, Chatting & Messaging, Day At The Beach, Developing Relationships, Genderfluid Character, IM KIDDING no ferrets were hurt either, M/M, Multi, NO SPOODERS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FIC, NOT RLLY i mean...., Past Relationship(s), Pokemon GO - Freeform, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, Sexuality Crisis, Skype, Surprise Party, Underage Drinking, aaaaaaaaaand back to memes!, abuse of the lenny face ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), all da hcs, all fifty percent off references are one hundred percent on purpose, boob talk boob talk boob talk, cant say the same about the ferret tho lmao, frICK OFF NO ONES OOC, general gr8ness, gets weirdly serious at times 4 real lol, hairline jokes, hanamiyas rad mom, i think im funny, if u dont like izuki u should probably leave this fic is hella izuki centered, interupting ur regularly scheduled gay memes to give u some serious shit!, kiyomorihyuuizu is real, lots of LGBTQIA exploration here folks, lots of burns, lots of cutesy shit!!! i swear!!!, oh man the d & p references are real, roommate shenanigans, some good roasts, spoopy halloween fun, tags get updated every chapter so y'all are in for one heck of a ride!!!, takaizu yooooo, yall better buckle tf up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-06-08 10:31:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 86,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6851113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siduki/pseuds/Siduki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's like a point guard orgy but with less nudity and more memes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [national hot dad alliance is now calling...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5663683) by [dicaeopolis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dicaeopolis/pseuds/dicaeopolis), [owlinaminor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlinaminor/pseuds/owlinaminor). 



> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if u like this nonsense pls leave a comment or a kudos or a bookmark because if yall dont ill cry salty tears and will never update again 
> 
> jk i dont need validation to make my life whole
> 
> jk jk i do

It wasn't uncommon for rivals to become friends off the court, it made for some entertaining conversations, or at least that's what Izuki and Takao found once they started talking on skype. It started off as formal conversations about basketball, how their teams were doing after the recent games etc but they soon started slipping into more casual discussions - mainly surrounding each other's nonexistant love lives at the time - and they quickly became two birds of a feather.  
  
And then they decided that if they could get along off court, why couldn't the other point guards?  
  
_Saturday April 30th_  
  
_1:21 am_  
  
Taco: HOLY SHIT GUESS WHAT I GOT  
  
_2:03 am_  
  
PunPrince: a blow job?  
  
Taco: NOOOOOOOO  
  
Taco: (lmao I wish)  
  
PunPrince: AN ASS JOB?!?!  
  
Taco: isn't that basically plastic surgery?  
  
Taco: I don't need plastic surgery my buns are already HELLA FINE  
  
PunPrince: yeah that explains all the boyfriends you have :)  
  
Taco: SHT THE FFK UP UR NO DIFFERENT  
  
Taco: keep jerking off to photos of your best friends okay bae~  <3  
  
PunPrince: ...you win this round  
  
Taco: besides! Shin-chan's gonna fall in love with my personality! Not with my jiggly butt  
  
PunPrince: isnt that a Pokemon  
  
Taco: ITS JIGGLY PUFF OMG BABE WHY  
  
PunPrince: ...nvm forget I said anything :D  
  
Taco: ANYWAYS  
  
Taco: ASK ME WHAT I GOT  
  
PunPrince: WHAT DID U GOT?  
  
Taco: SOCK SENPAAAAAAAAAAIS SKYPE NAME (WE SHOULD TOTALLY ADD HIM TO OUR CHAT YKNOW!!!)  
  
PunPrince: AYEEEEEEE (yeah we should!!!!)  
  
Taco: AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
PunPrince: AYEEEEEEwho's sock SenpaiEEEEEEEE  
  
Taco: lol I forgot to tell u  
  
Taco: KASAMATSU YUKIOOOOOOOO  
  
Taco: our smexy sock God yknow  
  
PunPrince: aaaaah  
  
PunPrince: kasa  
  
PunPrince: mikasa  
  
PunPrince: heheheheheh  
  
Taco: omg nice one  
  
PunPrince: did u just call kasa a smexy sock God?  
  
PunPrince:??? I don't see the big deal  
  
PunPrince: he's not that attractive?  
  
PunPrince: TBH Kaijo's shooing guard is much hotter  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
Taco: ur penis just explodes around shooting guards  
  
Taco: the match against Kaijo had you drooling  
  
Taco: the match against rakuzan had you yodelling so hard  
  
PunPrince: listen,,,shooting guards,,,theyre,,,real fuckin hot ok,,,  
  
Taco: also  
  
Taco: did u just  
  
Taco: say kasa  
  
Taco: isnt that attractive¿  
  
***Taco sent a photo***  
  
Taco: HE  
  
***Taco sent a photo***  
  
Taco: IS SO  
  
***Taco sent a photo***  
  
***Taco sent a photo***  
  
***Taco sent a photo***  
  
Taco:HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT  
  
PunPrince: he's hoot? HEHEHEHEH  
  
Taco: you shut your MOUTH REGION YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN  
  
PunPrince:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
Taco: hes like real hot k  
  
PunPrince: lol he's really not but ok  
  
PunPrince: like he's like...cute  
  
PunPrince: and smol  
  
PunPrince: like me!!!  
  
PunPrince: also I never knew u liked mikasa so much?  
  
PunPrince: if u weren't shoved so far up midorima's ass I wouldve thunk you had a crush on mikasa!!!  
  
Taco: *thought  
  
PunPrince: THERE U GO AGAIN KILLING MY INCORRECT GRAMMER MEME  
  
Taco: *grammar babe  
  
Taco: ...I see what you did there  
  
Taco: BRUH BESIDES who doesn't have a crush on Kasa  
  
PunPrince: I  
  
Taco: SSSSSHHHH  
  
_4:50 am_  
  
PunPrince: LMAO did u forget to add him to this chat?  
  
_6:00 am_  
  
Taco: aw TIDDIES  
  
***Taco has added SockSenpai to the conversation***  
  
SockSenpai: what the actual FUCK is wrong with you two  
  
_7:15 am_  
  
PunPrince: dont kink shame us  
  
SockSenpai: Takao  
  
Taco: yessssss~  
  
SockSenpai: where the hell did you get all those photos of me?  
  
Taco: ...  
  
Taco: my resident photo dealer  
  
SockSenpai: ?  
  
Taco: Kuroko my man!  
  
SockSenpai: ah. I see  
  
SockSenpai: kurokos too nice to kill  
  
PunPrince: NICE???  
  
PunPrince: HE STOLE KAGAMIS TOWEL AND MADE HIM WALK AROUND THE WHOLE LOCKER ROOM WITH HIS ASS AND BALLS HANGING OUT!  
  
PunPrince: ...you know actually that was a real nice sight maybe Kuroko is pretty gr8 after all  
  
PunPrince: anyways what kinda crazy ass person is up at 6 IN THE MORNING on a Sunday?  
  
Taco: ...  
  
PunPrince: other then us of course bae~  
  
Taco: :D  
  
SockSenpai: I was working out.  
  
Taco:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  were u working out ur gluteus maximus?  
  
PunPrince: his what  
  
Taco: his booooooooty  
  
SockSenpai: no wtf it was leg day today  
  
Taco: *disappointed Takao noises*  
  
PunPrince: what were u doing (mi)Kasa?  
  
SockSenpai: running around the block...  
  
Taco: brb Imma go move into Kasa's neighbourhood real quick  
  
SockSenpai: -_-  
  
PunPrince: so Kasa do u enjoy being here in this wonderful chat? I bet u do!  
  
Sock Senpai: listen  
  
Sock Senpai: I appreciate being added to this  
  
Sock Senpai: interesting chat  
  
Sock Senpai: BUT I DONT WANNA BE HERE  
  
Sock Senpai: I only have Skype because Kise made fun of me for not having any social media accounts  
  
Sock Senpai: so I made this to show him how dumb he is  
  
Taco: did Hayakawa help you with ur profile?  
  
Sock Senpai: yeah how'd you know?  
  
Taco: ur name  
  
Sock Senpai: I STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO CHANGE MY DAMNED NAME  
  
Taco: Hayakawa is a good man  
  
Sock Senpai: ANYWAYS  
  
Sock Senpai: WHO CARES IF KISE HAS 1.5M + FOLLOWERS ON INSTANTGRAM  
  
Sock Senpai: NOT ME  
  
Sock Senpai: I DON'T NEED 1.5M FOLLOWERS WHEN I'M THE MOST TALENTED POINT GUARD IN THE REGION  
  
Sock Senpai: TAKE THAT KISE  
  
PunPrince: lol I think u care a little  
  
PunPrince: also skypes not a social media¿  
  
Taco: instantgram  
  
Taco: lol  
  
Sock Senpai: wot  
  
Taco: omg nice i almost have as many followers as kise  
  
PunPrince: rlly?  
  
Taco: YEAH I ONLY NEED 1.5 MILLION MORE FOLLOWERS  
  
PunPrince: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) das some quality humour right there  
  
Sock Senpai: wait what do you mean that skype isn't a social media  
  
Sock Senpai: I'm going to kill Moriyama brb  
  
PunPrince: NO DONT DO THAT TO MY FUTURE HUBBY  
  
PunPrince: can u at least ask him to Netflix and chill with me before he dies  
  
_8:56 am_  
  
PunPrince: is that a no  
  
_9:30 am_  
  
PunPrince: hey guys  
  
Sock Senpai: sup  
  
PunPrince: what do you call Yosen's shooting guard when he makes a really good pun?  
  
Sock Senpai: a disappointment  
  
PunPrince: HUMOUROU  
  
PunPrince: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
PunPrince: hold up bitch what did u jsUT SAY TO ME  
  
Sock Senpai: *just  
  
PunPrince: what?  
  
Sock Senpai: you spelled just wrong  
  
Sock Senpai: and didn't correct yourself  
  
Sock Senpai: so I did for you  
  
PunPrince: ...KAZU BABE I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHY PPL SAY KASA'S SO ATTRACTIVE HES ADORABLE  
  
Sock Senpai: SHUT UP  
  
Taco: ooh someones embarrassed :D  
  
PunPrince: I CAN FEEL HIM BLUSHING THROUGH THE SCREEN NAWW  
  
Taco: HES BEEN TYPING FOR FIVE MINUTES NOW WHAT A CUTIE  
  
***Sock Senpai has added TheShadowKing to the conversation***  
  
Sock Senpai: IMAYOSHIT  
  
Sock Senpai: tELL TEM IM NOT ADORBSLEE  
  
TheShadowKing: Yukio's not 'adorbslee'  
  
Sock Senpai: FUCK U U KNOW WHAT I MENA  
  
PunPrince: aw HELL NAW  
  
PunPrince: NOT COOL MIKASA  
  
***PunPrince has left the conversation***  
  
***TheShadowKing added PunPrince to the conversation***  
  
TheShadowKing: babe  
  
PunPrince: NOT TODAY SATAN  
  
PunPrince: NOT  
  
PunPrince: TODAY  
  
Sock Senpai: what's happening?  
  
Taco: SOCK SENPAI YOU IDIOT!!! Didnt u know that imayoshit and my bae izuki have beef?  
  
Sock Senpai: they had beef? They had...lunch together? And ate beef? Why is that a problem?  
  
TheShadowKing: I had beef today ;).  
  
Taco: Imayoshit- ** _*winks inappropriately*_**  
  
PunPrince: YOU LIAR  
  
PunPrince: HES LYING  
  
PunPrince: HE PROBABLY DIDNT HAVE BEEF TODAY  
  
PunPrince: HE PROBABLY SHCEDULED A DATE WITH BEEF  
  
PunPrince: AND THEN HE SNUCK INTO TJE BATHROOM TO FUCK CHICKEN  
  
TheShadowKing: you spelled scheduled wrong  
  
PunPrince: EAT A TURD  
  
Taco: dont fuck the chicken oh lord  
  
Sock Senpai: what kind of chicken fucker group chat is this  
  
Taco: im kink shaming imayoshit for being a furry  
  
Taco: (are u still considered a furry if the animal u wanna fuck isn't exactly 'furry'?)  
  
Sock Senpai: is this what goes through ur head everyday  
  
Taco: that and naked carrots  
  
Sock Senpai: naked carrots?  
  
TheShadowKing: I think he means Midorima.  
  
PunPrince: SHuT Up  
  
PunPrince: WHY ARE U GUYS TRUSTING HIM SO EASILY  
  
PunPrince: HES A LEGIT DEMON  
  
Taco: hes a sexy demon when he opens his eyes  
  
TheShadowKing: :-)  
  
PunPrince: LOOK AT HIS SMILEY FACE  
  
PunPrince: IT HAS A NOSE  
  
PunPrince: WHO DOES THAT  
  
TheShadowKing: I does that  
  
Sock Senpai: *I do that  
  
PunPrince: SHADY ASS PEOPLE THATS WHO  
  
*TheShadowKing's nickname is now TheShadyKing*  
  
TheShadyKing: I ain't even mad  
  
Sock Senpai: IZUKI  
  
PunPrince: YE  
  
Sock Senpai: why do you have  
  
Sock Senpai: 'beef'  
  
Sock Senpai: with imayoshit?  
  
Taco: doesnt everyone?  
  
TheShadyKing: I don't even know you.  
  
Taco: WELL U FUCKED WITH MY BAE SO UR FUCKING WITH ME  
  
Taco: not actually tho heh  
  
Taco: I need to stay pure for my wedding night with Shin-chan  
  
PunPrince: 'pure'  
  
Taco: donT YOU START  
  
TheShadyKing: shun you shouldn't be talking about pure...  
  
PunPrince: I will cut your dick off and feed it to Nigou if you don't shut the hell your mouth  
  
Taco: kinky ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
PunPrince: STAWP  
  
_12:01 pm_  
  
Sock Senpai: why won't anyone tell me what the problem is damnit!  
  
Taco: hit me up on private chat and ill tell ya  
  
_1:00 pm_  
  
Sock Senpai: so let me get this straight.  
  
Taco: pffft  
  
Taco: 'straight' yeah sure sock Senpai  
  
Sock Senpai: ***aggressively ignores takao***  
  
Sock Senpai: imayoshi wants to  
  
Sock Senpai: have sex  
  
Sock Senpai: with izuki  
  
Sock Senpai: but izuki doesn't want to have sex with him?  
  
Taco: NAWW YALL SHOULDVE SEEN HIM BLUSHING IN OUR VIDEO CALL EARLIER WHEN I MENTIONED THE 'S' WORD  
  
Sock Senpai: SHUDUP  
  
Sock Senpai: NAYWYSYSY  
  
PunPrince: you spelled anyways wrong LOL  
  
TheShadyKing: SO YOU ARE ONLINE  
  
TheShadyKing: YOUVE JUST BEEN AVOIDING ME  
  
TheShadyKing: Does someone need punishment? :-)  
  
PunPrince: *screams*  
  
PunPrince: I HAVE A BASEBALL BAT IN MY ROOM IM MOT AFRIAD TO SLAP MY COMPUYER W/ IT  
  
Sock Senpai: Izuki I used to admire you on the court for being so coolheaded  
  
Sock Senpai: what the FUCK is wrong with you online though  
  
PunPrince: ODONT TLAK TO ME ILL SHOVE A BAT SO FAR UP UR ASSSSSSS ITLL DISAPEAR  
  
TheShadyKing: You spelled disappear wrong  
  
PunPrince: ...  
  
PunPrince: BRUH I'm done  
  
_2:45 pm_  
  
Taco: I think u broke him imayoshit  
  
TheShadyKing: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
Taco: I CAN FUCKIN HEAR IZUKI ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE OMG DONT  
  
_Thursday May 5th_  
  
_3: 25 pm_  
  
TheShadyKing: It seems that we've all been neglecting this group chat for quite some time now.  
  
Taco: it literally hasnt even been a week yet chill  
  
TheShadyKing: I've been thinking for a while now...  
  
Taco: oh my goshhhhhhh,,,,you? Have? A brain?  
  
PunPrince: SICK BURN BABE  
  
Taco: I try  
  
SockSenpai: What are you? Twelve?  
  
Taco: on a scale from 1-10 yeah B)  
  
PunPrince: UR ON FIRE TODAY OMG  
  
TheShadyKing: ahA  
  
PunPrince: oh frick no pls dont bother me rn  
  
TheShadyKing: YUKIO  
  
TheShadyKing: Have you been ignoring my video calls?  
  
TheShadyKing: naughty naughty boy ;)  
  
SockSenpai: I don't know how but after reading Imayoshi's last message I feel physically violated  
  
PunPrince: RELATABLE  
  
TheShadyKing: the last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable :-)  
  
Taco: buddy what the hell do you think ur doing rn¿  
  
TheShadyKing: Anyways  
  
TheShadyKing: remember when I said I've been thinking?  
  
SockSenpai: yeah...  
  
TheShadyKing: I was thinking about what we all had in common.  
  
PunPrince: we're all HELLA hot  
  
PunPrince: ...  
  
PunPrince: NOT IMAYOSHIT THO  
  
TheShadyKing: :-) other than our physical appearances?  
  
SockSenpai: we all play basketball? I dunno what're you hinting at Shouichi?  
  
TheShadyKing: you're close Yukio~  
  
Taco: ??? What is this a game of hot or cold I did nOT SIGN UP FOR THIS  
  
Taco: WE'RE ALL VIRGINS  
  
PunPrince: *coughs awkwardly*  
  
Taco: BABE YOUVE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN SEEN A VAGINA OUTSIDE OF HEALTH CLASS  
  
PunPrince: I DONT EVEN LIKE VA JAY JAYS  
  
Taco: I think something has to inside of you in order for you to lose your virginty...that's what pineapple-Senpai said anyways!  
  
SockSenpai: Takao what the actual hell?  
  
Taco: HEY SHUUTOKOU TALKS ABOUT WEIRD CRAP OK  
  
PunPrince: somethings been inside of me before sO TECHNICALLY I ISNT A VIRGIN  
  
TheShadyKing: your fingers don't count Shun :-)  
  
Taco: OOOOOOOOH GET REKT BABE  
  
PunPrince: THIS IS CYBER BULLYING I AM LEAVING  
  
SockSenpai: Okay bye.  
  
PunPrince: SIKE BITCHES I'm here forever  
  
TheShadyKing: You're all terrible at guessing what we have in common  
  
TheShadyKing: I didn't know what I expected from you all.  
  
TheShadyKing: And here I thought  
  
TheShadyKing: **_P O I N T G U A R D S_**  
  
TheShadyKing: were the smartest position  
  
PunPrince: yknow I think the demon captain is trying to tell us something  
  
Taco: heheheh point guard isn't the smartest position  
  
Taco: missionary is the smartest  
  
PunPrince:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
TheShadyKing: Like you two would know.  
  
Taco: LITERALLY SO RUDE  
  
SockSenpai: IMAYOSHI JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT  
  
TheShadyKing: You're already so loud in real life Yukio could you please not shout online you're hurting my eyes.  
  
Taco: but your eyes??? Are never??? Open??? WHAT¿  
  
PunPrince: SHOICHI  
  
TheShadyKing: Yes honey?  
  
PunPrince: -_- say your shit  
  
TheShadyKing: We're all point guards right?  
  
Taco: last time I checked yup!  
  
TheShadyKing: But there are other point guards right?  
  
PunPrince: Whatre u implying¿  
  
TheShadyKing: We shouldn't exclude our fellow point guards! We should add them to this chat!  
  
PunPrince: that's actually a kinda okay idea coming from imayoshit!  
  
PunPrince: I can add my smol son furi!  
  
Taco: I CAN ADD MY NEW BFF  
  
Taco: FUKUI  
  
TheShadyKing: lmao who?  
  
Taco: YOSENS SMOL ANGRY POINT GUARD  
  
Taco: he's like Kasa but blond and has better eyebrows  
  
SockSenpai: FUCK YOU  
  
SockSenpai: although I do wanna add Rakuzan's point guard to the chat?  
  
SockSenpai: he's incredibly talented  
  
SockSenpai: I would benefit a lot with tips from him...  
  
TheShadyKing: Does anyone have any tips for me?  
  
PunPrince: yeah I do!  
  
PunPrince: GET OUTTA THIS GROUP CHAT U MOULDY ASS LEMON DICK  
  
TheShadyKing: ...any other tips?  
  
PunPrince: nah that's it  
  
Taco: MOUDLY ASS LEMON DICK OMG THATS GR8  
  
***Taco changed the conversation name to _Imayoshit's Mouldy Ass Lemon Dick_ ***

TheShadyKing: nice  
  
SockSenpai: -_- Anyways, I really want to talk to Akashi now that his other self is gone...I bet he has some wonderful tips...  
  
Taco: that is the nicest thing Kasa has ever said about anyone,,,im lowkey jelly  
  
PunPrince: lowkey?  
  
Taco: fuck that IM HIGHKEY JELLY  
  
SockSenpai: takao when you do something worthy of a compliment I'll compliment you then but for now...  
  
PunPrince: SICK BURN MIKASA  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
TheShadyKing: mhm~ yes we can add all of your friends children  
  
TheShadyKing: On one condition  
  
TheShadyKing: I get to add my boyfriend and NONE OF YOU will complain :-)  
  
Taco: ...whos your BF?  
  
***TheShadyKing added BlackWidow to the conversation***  
  
TheShadyKing: Makoto dear, say hi to all my new friends~  
  
PunPrince: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO (lmao you really downgraded after me huh?) OOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
_6:30 pm_  
  
BlackWidow: doWNGRADE?  
  
BlackWidow: HOE HE UPGRADED AFTER YOU  
  
PunPrince: mhmmmmmm I never even STOOPED DOWN TO UR LEVEL  
  
PunPrince: id never date his STANK ass  
  
TheShadyKing: im still here you know  
  
Taco: IM ADDING MY NEW BESTIE BTW  
  
***Taco added FukuiK to the conversation***  
  
Taco: hey best friend!  
  
FukuiK: who the fuck are you  
  
Taco: ...  
  
***Taco removed FukuiK from the conversation***  
  
Taco: LETS PRETEND THAT NEVER HAPPENED  
  
Sock Senpai: That was awkward. Im glad it didn't happen to me  
  
PunPrince: *screen shots the conversation for black mail purposes*  
  
BlackWidow: why am I here  
  
TheShadyKing: because I was suffering and needed my baby boi to suffer with me :-)  
  
BlackWidow: THATS NOT A FUCKING VALID REASON  
  
Taco: btw hanameme  
  
BlackWidow: hanamEME?!?!  
  
BlackWidow: the disgrace  
  
Taco: btw what's up with ur skype name  
  
TheShadyKing: he like dem spooders  
  
SockSenpai: 'spooders'  
  
PunPrince: WTF THATS THE CUTEST THING IMAYOSHITS EVER SAID  
  
TheShadyKing: makotos my spooder princess  
  
BlackWidow: s-senpai! You're too cute~  
  
BlackWidow: jk I hope u die a painful death u bag of asses  
  
SockSenpai: what the actual hell  
  
SockSenpai: Imayoshi your boyfriends mood swings are fucking weird  
  
Taco: THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE SENPAI! Language!  
  
SockSenpai: children?!?!?  
  
***Taco added FuriKou to the conversation***  
  
Taco: _ ***covers Furi's innocent smol ears***_  
  
SockSenpai: ahhh...seirins second choice point guard....sup  
  
PunPrince: HI FURI! My smol son who I love more than anything~  
  
FuriKou: uh hi Senpai, and omg is that kasamatsu-Senpai  
  
SockSenpai: yea  
  
FuriKou: ...I NEED TO GO OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN  
  
SockSenpai: what did I do?  
  
PunPrince: dont take it personally he gets like that when he talks to elite talented ballers  
  
BlackWidow: izuki what the fuck I was looking through the chat and you called a vagina a va jay jay what the hell is wrong with u  
  
PunPrince: dont say the v word there are kids here!  
  
PunPrince: _ ***covers Furi's smol innocent ears again***_  
  
FuriKou: pls dont  
  
BlackWidow: also ive been searching for a way for me to leave this chat anD I CANT  
  
BlackWidow: well I'm glad to be here with my friends :D  
  
TheShadyKing: friends?  
  
BlackWidow: oops! I misspelt bitches!!! :)  
  
PunPrince: I SWEAR TO GOD U HOE  
  
PunPrince: OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF THE FUNNIEST THING  
  
***BlackWidow's name is now BlackWidHoe***  
  
PunPrince: GET IT?!?!?  
  
TheShadyKing: pfffft  
  
BlackWidHoe: SHOI U ASS ur supposed to be on my side  
  
TheShadyKing: well I am what I eat  
  
SockSenpai: ...  
  
SockSenpai: i need to leave  
  
SockSenpai: forever  
  
BlackWidHoe: well hes not wrong  
  
Taco: WTF IM KINKSHAMING IMAYOSHIT FOR BEING AN HONEST ASS EATER  
  
PunPrince:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) i can enjoy a good sex joke from time to time  
  
BlackWidHoe: how the FUCK do I change my name  
  
Taco: u don't ;)  
  
FuriKou: Senpai who's _'_ TheShadyKing' and why is he referring himself to a butt? What's he mean Senpai?  
  
PunPrince: ...nothing! dont you worry about a thing my son!  
  
FuriKou: Senpai! Hyuuga-senpai told you to stop referring to anyone younger than you as your 'son'  
  
PunPrince: cant stop wont stop B)  
  
BlackWidHoe: nawwww it sucks that Junpei doesnt seem to like shun v much  
  
BlackWidHoe: hes also probably super heterosexual and would never wanna date izuki :)  
  
PunPrince: BE LIKE A TREE AND LEAF BITCH  
  
Taco: imayoshit how are you putting up with your 'boyfriend' being roasted?  
  
BlackWidow: what them hyphens for  
  
PunPrince: LMAO HANAMEME DOESNT KNOW WHAT A COMMA IS  
  
TheShadyKing: those are apostrophes  
  
SockSenpai: this whole chat is a train wreck  
  
Taco: my brother died in a train wreck...  
  
PunPrince: Kazu u don't have a brother  
  
Taco: BECAUSE HE DIED IN A TRAIN WRECK  
  
FuriKou: OMG TAKAO-SAN UR BROTHER DIED?  
  
PunPrince: my son,,,he's joking  
  
FuriKou: omg okay  
  
FuriKou: speaking of brothers  
  
FuriKou: onii-chan says hi to you Senpai!  
  
PunPrince: tell him I say "yooooooo"  
  
PunPrince: no wait that's dumb  
  
PunPrince: tell him I say "sup"  
  
PunPrince: also can u tell him I say "I wanna suck your dick in a platonic way"  
  
PunPrince: TELL HIM I WANNA GIVE HIM A BRO JOB  
  
Taco: :D NICE  
  
FuriKou: ummmm...yeah Senpai im not telling him that  
  
PunPrince: D:  
  
BlackWidHoe: im kink shaming izuki for being an all around slut  
  
PunPrince: IMAYOSHIT control your boyfriend  
  
TheShadyKing: I wish I could, I wish I could my young Shun...  
  
PunPrince: what the frick frack did u just call me  
  
SockSenpai: oh man how could I forget.  
  
TheShadyKing: :P my young shun~  
  
PunPrince: STAWP IM MELTING THIS IS HORRIBLE  
  
SockSenpai: Takao can you add Akashi to this group chat?  
  
Taco: since u asked so nicely of course I can <3  
  
***Taco added AkashiSeijuurou to the conversation***  
  
*Taco changed the conversation name to Point Guards Unite!（ >∀<）*  
  
Taco: hello hello akashit my man~  
  
FuriKou: WHATA THRKWIE NFJFIDKCMD SMALAOAPAOAOAO  
  
BlackWidHoe: 'SMALAOPAPAOAO' AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
TheShadyKing: I can hear your delightful horse laugh from all the way in my room.  
  
BlackWidHoe: horse laugh? Boiiiiiiiiii don't let me start on ur demonic giggles that sound like Satan farting TBH  
  
PunPrince: LOL ITS TRUE  
  
TheShadyKing: :-)  
  
BlackWidHoe: wow jeez okay I'm s-sorry Senpai pls punish me for misbehaving!  
  
BlackWidHoe: AHAHAHAHAHA jk I fucking want to kill u <3  
  
PunPrince: literally chill u wannabe punk spooder  
  
SockSenpai: is no one gonna ask if Furi is ok  
  
SockSenpai: it looks like he passed out and his head hit the keyboard  
  
Taco: kasas such a mom!  
  
SockSenpai: HSHSHSHUT IP AM NOT  
  
PunPrince: relax this is a daily occurrence for us in practice!  
  
PunPrince: Furi passes out  
  
PunPrince: Hyuuga tries to hide the fact hes bisexual af

PunPrince: keyword 'tries'  
  
PunPrince: Kiyoshi strips off his shirt halfway through practice and I start to cry cuz I'm a thirsty hoe  
  
BlackWidHoe: lmao truuuuuuu  
  
TheShadyKing: so you're agreeing? You also cry when Kiyoshi takes his shirt off?  
  
BlackWidHoe: yeah I cry  
  
BlackWidHoe: I CRY BECAUSE HES SO DAMN UGLY  
  
Taco: OOOOOOOOOOH GET WRECKT KIYOSHI  
  
PunPrince: U TAKE THAT BACK  
  
BlackWidHoe: make me :)  
  
TheShadyKing: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
PunPrince: STOP USING MY PRECIOUS MEME FACE AGAINST ME  
  
PunPrince: u could say it's  
  
PunPrince: ILL EAGLE  
  
PunPrince: *insert Hanamiya's horse laughing here*  
  
SockSenpai: AW DID U JUST  
  
Taco: HE DID!!! That was gr8 good job my love  
  
PunPrince: naw thanks babe  
  
BlackWidHoe: pffft that's gay  
  
TheShadyKing: Makoto we are literally dating  
  
BlackWidHoe: dont rain on my god damn parade jfc Shouichi  
  
PunPrince: now where was I?  
  
PunPrince: oh yah a normal day at seirin!  
  
PunPrince: and finally! Kagami and Kuroko act super homo for each other!  
  
TheShadyKing: *Aomine crying in the distance*  
  
PunPrince: just another day at seirin~  
  
SockSenpai: er...nice?  
  
PunPrince: thank thank  
  
Taco: hmmmmm Furi's still online...  
  
Taco: I think adding Akashi wasn't a good idea...meh if anything goes wrong I'm blaming sock Senpai!  
  
SockSenpai: YOU CANT DO THAT  
  
Taco: DONT BELIEVE ME JUST WATCH  
  
PunPrince: hmmmm Akashi did kinda terrorize Furi on court  
  
PunPrince: hmmmm I wonder why Furi's scared  
  
PunPrince: its not like akashi can ankle break Furi virtually  
  
Taco: it would be cool if he could!  
  
Taco: someones cyber bullying u? HAH ANKLE BREAK U BIIIIITCH  
  
PunPrince: omg we should learn how to do that  
  
Taco: time to dye our hair red and turn into a psychopath  
  
SockSenpai: are u trying to turn into Akashi or something  
  
PunPrince: the transformation is nearly complete!  
  
BlackWidHoe: u think that becoming a tiny ass ginger is the key to use the emperor eye?  
  
Taco: ye  
  
TheShadyKing: you two are lucky you're adorable~  
  
TheShadyKing: because u 2 are dumb as fuck <3  
  
PunPrince: _ ***ignores the r00d ass devil***_  
  
PunPrince: ALL WE GOTTA DO NOW  
  
PunPrince: is we need to go and date Reo!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo and I aren't dating.  
  
SockSenpai: FUCK  
  
PunPrince: (つД・) QUICK ABORT MISSION  
  
Taco: OMG AKASHIT WAS ONLINE THIS WHOLE TIME BABE PLS HOLD ME IM SCARED  
  
PunPrince: _***holds takao***_  
  
Taco: **_*is held*_**  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Are you two alright?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Oh wow. This is...a long conversation.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Should I scroll up and read it?  
  
SockSenpai: It depends, do u wanna kill ur brain cells tonight?  
  
Taco: woahhhhhh akashit's grammar is even better then kasa's (that's so lol)  
  
Taco: woahhhhhh profesh  
  
TheShadyKing: _'profresh'?_  
  
Taco: its short for professional yknow!  
  
TheShadyKing: ah I see  
  
BlackWidHoe: what the fuck you can't see ur eyes are always closed what the fuck  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I have so many questions.  
  
PunPrince: shoot~ we have all day after all!  
  
SockSenpai: the sad sad truth...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: 1) Why did Takao (?) refer to me as 'Akashit'?  
  
Taco: ...  
  
Taco: GOTTA BLAST  
  
Taco: SHIN-CHAN'S CALLING ME  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Shintarou is sitting next to me right now. He's not calling you.  
  
Taco: HOLY SHIT HES THERE?  
  
Taco: tell him I say hey B)  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I will do that.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: He says 'Hello' back.  
  
Taco: OMG YALL HE TOTALLY LOVES ME  <3  
  
BlackWidHoe: sure  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Takao's not going to answer me question is he?  
  
PunPrince: nahhhhh I know him he runs away when hes confronted by powerful people    
  
BlackWidHoe: relatable TBH  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Fair enough.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: 2) Who is 'FuriKou' and why are they seemingly terrified of me?  
  
SockSenpai: you dont remember seirins second choice pg? He took a wicked fall during ur guys' final match? Ringing any bells?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Let me go and text Reo. He'll know this boy.  
  
BlackWidHoe: ah yes Reo  
  
BlackWidHoe: sweet gorgeous perfect Reo  
  
BlackWidHoe: isnt Reo just wonderful (✿╹◡╹)  
  
SockSenpai: what the fuck are you planning on murdering him or something  
  
PunPrince: homocide is never the answer!  
  
TheShadyKing: *homicide  
  
Taco: HOMOCIDE PFFFFFT  
  
PunPrince: hEY HEY WHAT DO U CALL IT WHEN U MURDER UR FRIEND  
  
SockSenpai: murder?  
  
PunPrince: HOMIECIDE  
  
SockSenpai: MURDER  
  
PunPrince: HOMIECIDE  
  
Taco: WHEN I SAY HOMIECIDE U SAY MURDER （≧∇≦）  
  
PunPrince: HOMIECIDE!  
  
SockSenpai: murder?!?  
  
PunPrince: HOMIECIDE!  
  
FuriKou: what the fuck  
  
BlackWidow: don't fucking swear you're like seven shut the fuck up  
  
TheShadyKing: damn that would've made a great yearbook quote for me last year...  
  
TheShadyKing: "don't fucking swear you're like seven shut the fuck up"_Hanameme, 2016  
  
BlackWidHoe: NOT U TOO  
  
FuriKou: guys what the actual  
  
FuriKou: heck  
  
FuriKou: is going on  
  
Taco: we're playing 20 questions with akashit currently  
  
FuriKou: AKASHI'S STILL ONLINE?  
  
AkashiSeijjurou: Furihata Kouki I remember now!  
  
FuriKou: ...  
  
FuriKou: mashnabufavbuv  gullllllllllllllllllllllrEWUVEAFRTG EAFGJEFGAJ  
  
AkashiSeijuuou: Is he alright?  
  
SockSenpai: i think Furi's dead...I feel the sudden urge to check up on him  
  
TheShadyKing: Yukio confirmed as team mom  
  
SockSenpai: BECAUSE BEING A DECENT PERSON = BEING A MOM  
  
Taco: he would totally be a PTA mom omg  
  
TheShadyKing: holy shit he totally would  
  
SockSenpai: GUYS STop  
  
PunPrince: hmmmm  
  
PunPrince: yup furi be ded alright  
  
PunPrince: I can sense this kinda stuff yknow!  
  
PunPrince: TIME TO FIND A NEW SON  
  
PunPrince: hey Kasa u wanna apply to be my new son  
  
SockSenpai: I'll apply to be your son the day Hayakawa finally uses his indoor voice  
  
TheShadyKing: so...never?  
  
PunPrince: r00d  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Is Furihata okay? I'd hate to be the one that caused his 'death'.  
  
Taco: AKASHITS PERFECT GRAMMAR IS NO LONGER FUNNY ITS JUS BOTHERING ME OMG WE GET IT DUDE U HAVE UR LIFE TOGETHER STOP RUBBING IT IN OUR FACES  
  
PunPrince: babe pls take one of hanamemes chill pills  
  
PunPrince: SINCE HE NEVER USES THEM  
  
TheShadyKing: Speaking of my wonderful astounding adorable boyfriend...  
  
PunPrince: Shoi I thought I told you to stop calling me your boyfriend :)  
  
SockSenpai: daMN THAT WAS SAVAGE  
  
Taco: _***insert hanamiyas horse laughing here***_  
  
TheShadyKing: very funny Shun  
  
TheShadyKing: I was just gonna say  
  
TheShadyKing: Makotos been strangely quiet lately  
  
TheShadyKing: his profile says he's still online  
  
TheShadyKing: I wonder what he's doing?  
  
Taco: not u that's for sure  
  
Taco: OOOOOOOOOOOOH  
  
AkashiSeijjurou: Takao that was a very good _'roast'._  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Very _'savage'._  
  
PunPrince: idek what's funnier takao burning imayoshit or Akashi complimenting it  
  
SockSenpai: both, both is good  
  
TheShadyKing: can I please talk without being made fun of  
  
TheShadyKing: I have feelings too yknow.  
  
PunPrince: Imayoshis two feelings 1) horny 2) creepy  
  
Taco: or a mix of two!  
  
Taco: heepy!  
  
Taco: ...  
  
Taco: CORNY!!!  
  
PunPrince: NICE! NICE! NICE!

TheShadyKing: I will end u two :)

SockSenpai: jfc imayoshit just say what u were gonna say we dont have all day. unlike all u lazy assholes i have practice in an hour. so i cant be here discussing unimportant things togethor

TheShadyKing: fine, i think makotos murdering reo

TheShadyKing: ** _*sips tea*_ ** but thats none of my bussiness

PunPrince GOSH UR SO LAME

AkashiSeijuurou: I don't think Hanamiya is capable of murdering Reo. Reo would just fry him with his curling iron. Or crush his toes with his heels like he did with this man on the train who touched his bum.

Taco: FRICK I WISH I WAS REO he is so goals

AkashiSeijuurou: I will tell Reo you think he is 'goals'.

Taco: thanks akashit!

PunPrince: wait kasa u graduated didnt u?

PunPrince: why are u going to practice?

FuriKou: OKAY I THINK IM OKAY

AkashiSeijuurou: Reo says _' <3 thanks Kazu-chan!'_.

FuriKou: omg hi akashi-kun...

Taco: furi dont be that lame ass that uses honourifics online, dude we're all friends here! except hanameme because there was that one time he licked me...we dont talk about that

SockSenpai: wait what the fuck do u mean hanamiya licked u?

Taco: ill tell yall one day!

SockSenpai: ALSO just because i graduated doesnt mean i have to stop visiting my teammates. nakamura is a very good player and im sure he will take over the team properly but i need to check up on them because who else is gonna scare away kises fangirls and calm hayakawa down and keep him hydrated? ive spent three whole damn years building this team and i wont fuckin let them lose everything they got because of something small and insignicant i couldve helped

SockSenpai: *insignificant

TheShadyKing: woah...yukio is such a mom

Taco: hmmm i think kasa also wants to see kise in kaijos uniform...all captains have both a captain kink and a uniform kink! thats what otsubo senpai said and hes almost always right!

TheShadyKing: its true

AkashiSeijuurou: Yukio that was...amazing.

AkashiSeijuurou: Also, hello Furihata. Are you okay now?

FuriKou: yeah i think i am!!!!

AkashiSeijuurou: That's good to hear. :)

Taco: (gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

TheShadyKing: heh kasas words have motivated me to go back to touou and visit my awful team :) i cant wait to burst through the doors and go _"surprise bitches, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me"_

SockSenpai: shouichi NO

TheShadyKing: shoichi yes ;)


	2. feelings??? no no no, memes!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taco: here comes dat boi!
> 
> PunPrince: o shit waddup!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys ur comments are so sweet and nice and im glad i was so funny! this week has been pretty bleh for me but ur kind words motivated me to write this chapter! this chapter isnt v funny (i mean kinda) but its longer! tell me in the comments if u like the occasional serious moment or u just want the lolzor memes

Riko had strictly told her friends to go to bed at a reasonable time so they wouldn't be tired during their annual team brunch (team brunch more like 1. complain 2. yell and 3. be gay. Follow those three steps and you're bound to have a hot mess team bonding session like Seirin does annually) the next morning, but of course Izuki had ignored her warning. The teams point guard had stayed up way past midnight chatting with Kaijo's shooting guard online about everything from their teams to school to the latest movies they had watched.  
  
Of course the next morning Izuki regretted this decision immensely, even though he had gotten much closer to his crush, and it showed in the boys dark bags under his eyes and his sluggish walk.  
  
Although he couldn't wait to tell his new _'friends'_ all about his conversation with his future boyfriend! Well...one of his future boyfriends ;).

  
  
_Sunday May 15th_  
  
_10:56 am_

  
  
PunPrince: yo yo yo my bros

  
  
_11:05 am_

  
  
BlackWidHoe: delete yourself from the Internet

  
  
_1:07 pm_

  
  
PunPrince: D: dont be so mean to me ill tell Kiyoshi and he'll discipline you!  
  
TheShadyKing: what do you mean by discipline?  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
PunPrince: I SWEAR TO GOD SHOUICHI SHHHHHHH UR FACE HOLE  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuckin snitch bitch  
  
PunPrince: what u say is what u are~  
  
BlackWidHoe: shut the fuck up what are you like seven shut fuck the up  
  
TheShadyKing: someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today  
  
BlackWidHoe: ITS BECAUSE U STOLE THE DAMN COVERS SHOI AND PUSHED ME OUTTA BED AT LIKE THREE AM  
  
BlackWidHoe: also why the fuck are you on Skype in the bathroom take your damn shower and then let me have mine  
  
TheShadyKing: you couldve showered with me ;)  
  
BlackWidHoe: id rather get fucked by akashis crusty ass scissors  
  
PunPrince: you two slept together? :O thats disGUSTING  
  
BlackWidHoe: jealous im getting dick and ur not? :)  
  
SockSenpai: its too early for this god damnit  
  
SockSenpai: its always too early for this  
  
PunPrince: EXCUSE ME IM GETTING ALL THE DICK RN!!!  
  
***PunPrince sent a photo***  
  
Taco: tag yourself im koga in the background dabbing  
  
SockSenpai: who is 'koga'?  
  
PunPrince: YKNOW! :3  < his face looks like that  
  
SockSenpai: ahhh  
  
SockSenpai: I remember now  
  
BlackWidHoe: EW is that Kiyoshi's crotch  
  
BlackWidHoe: can u do me a favour and like stab him for me real quick  
  
PunPrince: WAHT NOOOOO  
  
Taco: babe where are u? Ur dads place?  
  
***PunPrince sent a photo***  
  
PunPrince: nah m8 im at rikos  
  
PunPrince: we're having a team brunch!  
  
Taco: naw babe u look tired, u okay?  
  
SockSenpai: yeah it looks like u have some pretty serious bags under your eyes, you good?  
  
PunPrince: I'm fine guys!  
  
PunPrince: IM ACTUALLY SUPER HAPPY Y'ALL BROUGHT IT UP  
  
PunPrince: GUESS WHAT I WAS DOING LAST NIGHT???  
  
BlackWidHoe: sex  
  
PunPrince: pls keep this conversation pg there are children here  
  
***PunPrince sent a photo***  
  
Taco: TELL FURI I SAY HI  
  
PunPrince: WILL DO!!!  
  
PunPrince: furi says hello back  
  
TheShadyKing: what were u doing last night my young shun?  
  
PunPrince: I spent all night talking to Mori  <3 thanks for giving me his skype name Kasa ugh im so in love with Yoshi!  
  
BlackWidHoe: ur in love with the bitch ass green thing from Mario?  
  
TheShadyKing: ur in love with me???  
  
PunPrince: WHAT??? NO FUCK OFF U TWO  
  
PunPrince: Moriyama (Yoshi)taka  
  
PunPrince: duh  
  
PunPrince: I have a _MASSIVE_ crush on him, we are like total soulmates i _SWEAR_  
  
BlackWidHoe: u have a _'massive'_ crush on any mildly hot guy that's decently nice to u  
  
PunPrince: don't kink shame me  
  
BlackWidHoe: kink shaming is my kink :)  
  
PunPrince: ***horrified screaming***  
  
SockSenpai: SO IT WAS U  
  
SockSenpai: AHA  
  
SockSenpai: WE WERE TRYING TO STUDY LAST NIGHT AND MORI KEPT TALKING TO U DAMNIT  
  
PunPrince: WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE WHEN HE WAS TALKING TO ME? WAS HE HAPPY? DID HIS EYES SPARKLE??? GIVE ME THE DEETS KASA  
  
BlackWidHoe: chill yo  
  
Taco: tbh I would be the same if this was between me and shin chan KASA GIVE MY LOVE ALL THE DETAILS  
  
PunPrince: KASA TELL MEEEEEEE  
  
SockSenpai: fine ill give you the 'deets'.  
  
SockSenpai: He looked uh happy? And he didnt do his homework cause he was focusing on you so thats good isnt it?  
  
PunPrince: okay,,,yes thats v good  
  
PunPrince: yoshi is so in love with me omg  
  
Taco: its true but babe remember u gotta play hard to get  
  
PunPrince: TRU TRU  
  
PunPrince: SHIT I NEED TO GO RIKOS YELLING AT ME TO HELP BYE Y'ALL  
  
SockSenpai: talk to u soon  
  
BlackWidHoe: _'y'all?'_  
  
Taco: bye babe  <3

  
  
_4:39 pm_

  
  
SockSenpai: ...takao  
  
SockSenpai: do you remember last week when everyone was online?  
  
Taco: lol yeah it was kinda an unforgettable convo  
  
Taco: in a good way? In a bad way? No one will ever know...  
  
BlackWidHoe: stop tryna sound deep  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuck outta here with ur wise ass ur like five stfu  
  
SockSenpai: alright so,..remember how you mentioned how um  
  
SockSenpai: Hanamiya  
  
SockSenpai: LICKED YOU?  
  
Taco: ...  
  
Taco: HANAMEME WOULD U LIKE TO TELL THIS NICE YOUNG HANDSOME MAN ABOUT THE TIME UR CRUSTY ASS TONGUE TICKLED ME?  
  
BlackWidHoe: new phone who dis  
  
Taco: AGAH FCUK YUO i cant beleieveeeee you treied to prretend thttt you wejree gon helwp mee up bUTE OU LICKEDS ME INSHEADND  
  
Taco: HE FUCKIN PRETENEEDED TO HELO ME UP AFTER HE TRIPED ME DRUING A MAYCH AND HE SWWOPED IN AND LICKEDS MYNE EAR AND SMIRKEDD!!!  
  
SockSenpai: is he drunk?  
  
Taco: drunk in love ;)  
  
SockSenpai: aight im out  
  
BlackWidHoe: das gay  
  
Taco: shut up ur a homosexual  
  
BlackWidHoe: wtf no im not  
  
SockSenpai: but ur dating imayoshit?  
  
BlackWidHoe: unfortunately  
  
SockSenpai: youre dating a boy but youre not gay?  
  
Taco: (mi)Kasa don't be ignorant! He could be bi!!!  
  
BlackWidHoe: lmao im not bi tho  
  
Taco: ??? Then whatre u?  
  
BlackWidHoe: what am i?  
  
BlackWidHoe: Done with this shit

  
  
_7:30 pm_

  
  
Taco: hanameme?  
  
BlackWidHoe: wot  
  
Taco: if ur not gay  
  
Taco: str8  
  
Taco: or bi  
  
Taco: what r u?  
  
BlackWidHoe: dude idk stop bothering me about this  
  
Taco: nO I WONT STOP  
  
Taco: HOW LONG HAVE U AND THE DEMON CAPTAIN BEEN DATING?!?  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuck ummm  
  
BlackWidHoe: junior high i think  
  
BlackWidHoe: lemme ask Shoi  
  
BlackWidHoe: yeah since my second year of junior high and his third year  
  
Taco: *strokes non existent beard* interesting  
  
BlackWidHoe: stop that  
  
Taco: so u havent had like a crush on any guy or girl since then?  
  
BlackWidHoe: nah people are gross  
  
Taco: huh so ur like  
  
Taco: imayoshi sexual?  
  
BlackWidHoe: WHEN U PUT IT LIKE THAT AW MAN that sounds awful  
  
BlackWidHoe: but im also awful  (✿╹◡╹)  
  
BlackWidHoe: so yeah I guess I am

  
  
_8:01 pm_

  
  
TheShadyKing:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuCK U SAID U WERE ORDERING US PIZZA GET OFF SKYPE BEFORE I EAT UR PHONE  
  
Taco: kinky ;)

  
  
_9:46 pm_

  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Hanamiya, are you still online?  
  
BlackWidHoe: yeah...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I noticed that you were confused about your sexuality earlier in the chat.  
  
BlackWidHoe: tbh I wasn't confused it was takao being a nosy piece of shit  
  
BlackWidHoe: but uh yeah what about my sexuality  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I showed Reo this conversation...  
  
BlackWidHoe: what teh fuck  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: And he immediately understood what you were trying to say.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I think the correct term for your sexuality was...one second I have it written down.  
  
BlackWidHoe: (nErD)  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Aha! Yes, Reo said you were 'demisexual'.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo's boyfriend, Chihiro, is demisexual.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Which is how he knew the term.  
  
BlackWidHoe: demisexual? huh...  
  
BlackWidHoe: what that  
  
Taco: _(yOUR MOM)_  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: (Takao, Shintarou just texted me to tell you to get off of your phone and go to bed.)  
  
Taco: fuCK THE RULES  
  
Taco: wait shin chan said that?  
  
Taco: TALK TO U LOSERS LATER IM GETTING MY BEAUTY SLEEP CUZ MY LOVE TOLD ME TO  
  
BlackWidHoe: ANYWAYS ignore that dipshit  
  
Taco: D: IM LEAVING  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Er...alright then, goodnight Takao.  
  
Taco: night akashit!  
  
BlackWidHoe: what the frick frack is demisexual someone tell me or ill eat my fuckin monitor

AkashiSeijuurou: What is with you and threatening to eat electronic devices?

BlackWidHoe: ...u dont know me

TheShadyKing: stop kink shaming my boyfriend darn it

BlackWidHoe: THATS IT, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE UR NEVER SLEEPING OVER AGAIN WTF ALL U DO IS USE MY WIFI AND COMPLAIN ABOUT MY SHITTY FOOD FUCKIN MIGRATE TO CANADA LIKE A DAMN GOOSE OH MY GODDDDDDD

BlackWidHoe: ...shoi just dropped his phone and crawled into my bed i think i broke him

BlackWidHoe: good (✿╹◡╹)

AkashiSeijuurou: You're a strange one aren't you?

BlackWidHoe: hells yah now tell me about being demi

AkashiSeijuurou: Well this is Reo and Chihiro's definiton so please bear with me, this may not be entirely correct.

AkashiSeijuurou: "Demisexual means when you're neither attracted to boys or girls or anyone in between. You find yourself attracted to someone after you have developed a relationship with them first."

 

_11: 19 pm_

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hanamiya?

BlackWidHoe: yeah i was still online

AkashiSeijuurou: Did you get the message I sent you?

BlackWidHoe: y-yeah, thank you a-akashi-chan you helped me find my true s-self! (⌒▽⌒)☆

AkashiSeijuurou: Um...? You're welcome!

BlackWidHoe: dude i was being sarcastic -_-

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh...I feel bad for Imayoshi now...

BlackWidHoe: HEY WHAT THAT SPPOSED TO MEAN <(｀^´)> I AM A DELIGHT GOD DAMNIT ♡✧。 (⋈◍＞◡＜◍)。✧♡

AkashiSeijuurou: You would make an...

AkashiSeijuurou: Interesting partner.

AkashiSeijuurou: Reo was right about you.

BlackWidHoe: 凸(¬‿¬)凸

 

_Monday May 17th_

_1: 09 am_

 

TheShadyKing: so demisexual huh?

BlackWidHoe: apparently yeah

BlackWidHoe: i looked it up and i just rlly connect to it yknow

BlackWidHoe: 'Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen'

BlackWidHoe: thats like

BlackWidHoe: M E

BlackWidHoe: and like akashit said that fuck ass reo's dumb shit bf was demi as well

BlackWidHoe: and get this, reo tried to give me his bfs skype name

BlackWidHoe: he messaged me like "hey darling <3 heard u came out as demi! want chi chans skype name so u two can talk about it?"

BlackWidHoe: and like i kinda wanted to talk to him about it but reos bf is drier than furuhashi tbh and thats hella dry

BlackWidHoe: wait

BlackWidHoe: ur literally in my kitchen why r u messaging me?

TheShadyKing: ...

TheShadyKing: these arent the droids ur looking for

BlackWidHoe: wtf u nERD

TheShadyKing: u love me ;-) so my demi spooder princess, u want me to order us some thai food???

BlackWidHoe: do i hate izuki?

TheShadyKing: ...is that a yes

BlackWidHoe: HELL YES

 

_ Friday May 20th _

_ 6: 01 pm_

 

Taco: omg i think i see shin chan

PunPrince: yas get that dick babe

Taco: ahhhhh!!!

Taco: its dat boi!

PunPrince: o shit waddup!

Taco: (I need to go bye babe wish me luck with this tsundere hoe)

PunPrince: gud luk <3

 

_ 7: 41 pm _

 

Taco: I DONE FUCKED UP YALL

Taco: I DONE FUCKED UP

Taco: PLS SOMEONE BE ONLINE RN

SockSenpai: yo what's up takao?

Taco: FRICK NOT U SOCK SENPAI, ANYONE ELSE?

SockSenpai: WAT THE FUCK DONT BE RUDE ILL BEAT UR FLAT ASS INTO NEXT WEEK

Taco: MY ASS AINT FLAT BITCH U NEED SPECTACLES

SockSenpai: MY VISION IS 20/20 ILL FUCK U UP IF U KEEP TALKING SHIT TAKAO

PunPrince: WHY ARE WE YELLING

Taco: OH THANK GOD BABE I NEED U

PunPrince: what up?

PunPrince: other than my( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SockSenpai: youre disgusting

PunPrince: HEY I MEANT MY SKILLS IN BASKETBALL WAHT WERE U THINKING OF?

PunPrince: my wIENER?

AkashiSeijuurou: In the words of Chihiro (who was reading this conversation over my shoulder and laughing at your guy's antics)

PunPrince: KASA I THOUGHT U WERE DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER PERVERTS!

AkashiSeijuurou: "Das gay"

Taco: GUYS STOP BEING DISTRACTED FROM MY DILEMA

SockSenpai: *dilemma

SockSenpai: I wouldnt have been able to point that type out if my eyesight wasnt perfect!

Taco: omg Kasa calm down it was a joke we get it ur eyesight is better than all of ours combined

AkashiSeijuurou: That doesn't make sense.

Taco: neITHER DOES UR FACE AKASHIT OMFGG

PunPrince: babe u get so mean when ur stressed, what's up?

Taco: guys im desperate to flap my mouth hole pls guys let me call y'all

AkashiSeijuurou: I'm not sure if I know how to video call...so...

PunPrince: Just smack your screen and press a lot of random buttons I'm sure it'll work eventually!

Taco: ok here goes nothing...

 

_Point Guards Unite! （ > ∀ < ）is now calling..._

 

Takao slumped forwards in front of his monitor, face covered by his hands.

 

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god. You guys have no idea how badly I fucked up."

 

Izuki shoved a handful of chips into his mouth, eyes assessing the boys on his screen.

 

"Wow!" Izuki exclaimed with a shit eating grin. "Kasa you're even hotter when you're in my monitor and can't kill me if I try to compliment you!"

 

Kasamatsu growled under his breath as he shoved a clump of hair away from his eyes to properly stare Izuki down. "In the words of you, shut the hell your mouth Shun."

 

Izuki mock gasped and grabbed a fistful of his t-shirt, pretending he was clutching his heart. "I'm so offend-hey where's Akashi?"

 

Takao lifted his head from his desk to laugh at Akashi's lack of understanding of technology.  
  
"What a nerd!" Takao cackled and then suddenly remembered what he did with Midorima and he groaned and slid down his chair, looking kinda dead.  
  
"My life is OVER!"  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Guys?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I keep hitting my screen but nothing is happening?  
  
Kasamatsu sighed and pressed his lips tightly together to keep from smiling.  
  
"I feel bad." He admitted. "I'm dragging him into the call."  
  
Izuki rolled his eyes and wailed.  
  
"Kasa no! Don't ruin the joke-"  
  
"You are the joke."  
  
Izuki gasped and leaned back, chair tipping back dangerously as his mouth dangled open.  
  
"Kasa how could you-"  
  
"I'm here! I'm here don't worry. I have made it into this call."  
  
The black rectangle on Izuki's screen fizzled out to reveal a very pleased looking red head.  
  
"I'm here." Akashi said again quietly in case no on heard him the first two times and then, because he thought his screen was broken, he rapped on his webcam monitor with his knuckles like Izuki had told him to.  
  
"Can you guys hear me?" Akashi borderline shouted and Mayzumi, in the background, looked mildly disturbed.  
  
Even though Takao felt like the world was gonna end for him he managed to fake a confused look and tap his ear.  
  
"What was that Akashit? Sorry couldn't make out what you said. Maybe hit the screen harder?"  
  
Izuki giggled into his fist as Akashi picked up his device and shook it.  
  
"Can you hear me now-"  
  
Kasamatsu flinched at Akashi's loud voice and ripped his headphones off, scowling at his web cam.  
  
"Holy shit this is pathetic, guys stop making fun of him!"  
  
"Lighten up sock Senpai we're just having fun!"  
  
Akashi set his device down and frowned at the Takao on his screen.  
  
"So you _CAN_ hear me?" He asked slowly and Izuki gave him two dorky thumbs up.  
  
"Hells yeah we can! Now c'mon Kazu, don't you have a story to tell us?"  
  
Takao took a swig from his soda can and pouted dramatically.  
  
"Takao stop doing that with your face. Your fucking face will freeze like that then Midorima will never love you."  
  
Takao moaned aggressively at the mention of Shuutoku's shooting guard and Izuki cackled. Akashi looked equal parts amused and disturbed. Kasamatsu could relate to that.  
  
"NO!" Takao cried out at the same time Izuki shrieked, "KASA THAT'S SUCH A MOM THING TO SAY!"  
  
Kasamatsu sputtered as Takao managed a weak smile at Izuki's words. Akashi looked confused and he raised a hand, as if he was in school, about to answer a teachers question.  
  
"Yessssssss Akashit?" Izuki hummed, rubbing his chin looking thoughtful.  
  
"Why does everyone refer to Kasamatsu-san as a _'mom'_?"  
  
"NO!" Takao screamed. "STOP THAT! STOP CHANGING TOPICS WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL Y'ALL!"  
  
Everyone went quiet as Takao panted, trying to catch his breath after his mini rant.  
  
"Hey, Izuki who's that on your poster-"  
  
Takao groaned so loudly he felt his soul was being ripped from his body and he slid down all the way down his chair so only the top of his head could be seen.  
  
Izuki took the moment to check out (and judge) everyone's rooms. Kasamatsu's was weirdly clean and there was some American basketball player poster hanging above Kasa's bed next to a framed photo of Kaijo.  
  
Akashi's had some strange people in the background-oh wait, that was Rakuzan. They were just chilling in Akashi's room, looking blissfully unaware of the loud and lowkey terrifying skype call that was going on, except Mayuzumi who kept glaring at the laptop like it had murdered his parents or some thing. What a lame ass.  
  
Akashi coughed and Izuki tried to remember the question he had asked.  
  
"Hmm? Oh yeah poster! Um, it's a Kpop poster I stole from my sisters room... _FUCK YOU AYA IT'S MINE NOW!"_  
  
Kasamatsu blinked slowly and sighed a soul wrecked sigh.  
  
"Izuki, what is wrong with you?"  
  
Izuki squawked and Akashi chuckled at the strange noises the boy was making.  
  
"Shun you're very funny." Akashi remarked and Izuki's eyes got all shiny for a second.  
  
"Akashit please say that again." Izuki demanded and held up his phone. "I need to record that shit so everyone else can realize I'm fucking hilarious."  
  
Kasamatsu rolled his eyes so hard they looked like they were in danger of falling out of his head.  
  
"Izuki Shun is hilarious." Akashi said with a smile. "Funniest boy I've ever met."  
  
Izuki wiped a tear from his eye as he sent the video clip to everyone he knew.  
  
"I love you Akashit."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Takao made a soft whimpering noise to alert everyone he was still there and still was suffering.  
  
"Babe?" Izuki called out tentatively to Takao's head. "What's up? Tell us your story! We're all ears!"

 

_7: 55 pm_

  
  
BlackWidHoe: how dare you fuck tits start a call without me  
  
BlackWidHoe: someone add me to the call or I'll stab you all ♪(´ε｀ )

  
  
Kasamatsu snorted and closed his chat window.  
  
"I'm guessing no one wants me to add him to this call?"  
  
Izuki sucked the salt from his chip as he shook his head.  
  
"Nah mate, I don't wanna commit homocide tonight." Izuki winked at Takao and his friend snickered.  
  
"So babe c'mon! What happened with you and Shit-chan? It can't be that bad."  
  
Akashi and Takao burst out laughing at 'Shit-chan' and even Kasamatsu couldn't help but smirk.  
  
"It's a long story..." Takao began and dimmed the lights of his room to make it more dramatic. Kasamatsu wasn't having it.  
  
"Takao, I have a very impatient blond model in my living room right now, waiting for us to go out so if you could hurry the hell up, that would be appreciated."  
  
Izuki tried to raise an eyebrow.  
  
"Woah woah woah, hold up. You and Kise going on a date?"  
  
Akashi looked up from his phone to gawk at Kasamatsu.  
  
"Ryouta never told me you two were-"  
  
"WE'RE NOT DATING! Just...going to the mall...AS FRIENDS!"  
  
Izuki stuck his tongue out at the web cam and made Kasamatsu scowl.  
  
"Sure Jan...."  
  
"Jan? Who's Jan?"  
  
"Izuki, his name is Kasamatsu not Jan?"  
  
"Ugh whatever, forget it y'all. Kazu? Story?"  
  
Takao had disappeared momentarily from his chair but he reappeared when he heard his friend call his name.  
  
"Sorry! Just trying to set the mood!"  
  
Takao showed his fellow point guards the candle he had found in his bathroom cup board.  
  
"Cinnamon." He said helpfully, just in case they didn't have 20/20 vision like Kasamatsu. "Perfect for story telling."  
  
"Um I don't think-"  
  
"MY CANDLES, MY RULES BITCH!"  
  
"Wow uh alright, those are words you said."  
  
Takao lit the candles and plopped himself down in his chair again and demanded everyone close their eyes.  
  
"Do it you guys! It'll make this story telling more immense!"  
  
"I think you mean immerse-"  
  
"My. Candles. My. Rules."  
  
Izuki closed his eyes obediently, twisting his legs underneath him and humming, looking totally relaxed.  
  
Kasamatsu tried to cover his hairy legs with a blanket as he folded himself to mimic Izuki, and reluctantly shut his eyes, feeling a bit bad for Shuutokou's point guard.  
  
Akashi barked at his teammates to be quiet and he squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring Hayama and Nebuya's loud whispers and cackles.  
  
("Are they trying to summon the devil?" "Bro he IS the devil" "Kou-chan and Ei-chan! You two stop laughing at Sei-chan! I told you guys to stop making fun of him, he's a very sensitive boy-CHI-CHAN STOP LAUGHING!")  
  
"So, it all began this evening." Takao began. "Shin-chan had come over to help me with my physics homework because he loves me like that!"  
  
Izuki's nose twitched.  
  
"You sure you weren't bribing him with a blow job or-"  
  
"After we finished our homework," Takao ignored Izuki which made the latter squawk again which caused Akashi to snort, "we decided to get some snacks! So I started chopping some carrots-"  
  
Takao paused and gestured vaguely with his hands.  
  
"Because y'know...Shin-chan...is a carrot."  
  
Izuki nodded, eyes still closed.  
  
"Confirmed."  
  
Kasamatsu took the moment to open his eyes and look around warily.  
  
"I think Kise told me about a situation like this...he said a girl died while her friends tried to hypnotize her?"  
  
"That was a T.V show I think..." Akashi said helpfully. "Reo watches it."  
  
"Either way, I'm getting some creepy vibes from this..."  
  
"You two SHUT UP before I give y'all something to be scared of."  
  
"Okay that would've sounded way more threatening if you hadn't said _'y'all'_ ".  
  
"Don't word shame me damnit. So anyways! The carrots were kinda old but whatever, I tried to hide their true age by setting out some dip so we took our snacks outside as the weather was nice and the sky looked super romantic."  
  
"We sat on my picnic bench and ate the carrots in silence. We were sitting right next to each other, totally pressed up together and our arms were brushing and guys I swear to you my whole body was on fire!"  
  
"That's not good." Akashi said at the same time Izuki said _"GAYYYYYYY!"_  
  
"Shut up, you're a homosexual." Kasamatsu scolded Izuki who pouted.  
  
"True..."  
  
Takao kept going as if the other guys weren't even there.  
  
"So as Shin-chan finished the last carrot-"  
  
"What a carrot whore."  
  
"As he finished the last carrot he looked at me and for a second I thought he was gonna confess or say something romantic or just gaze into my eyes but you know what that mother fucker did?"  
  
"Not you?"  
  
"TOO SOON!"  
  
"What did he do Kazu?"  
  
"He fricking looked me in the eye and had the AUDACITY to tell me that my carrots were crusty! He was all like _'Oh Kazunaru, these carrots weren't very appetizing. They were very crusty.'_ And yOU KNOW WHAT I SAID?"  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
Takao took a deep breath.  
  
_"Crusty like your hairline?"_  
  
There was dead silence for a moment as everyone processed what Takao had just said.  
  
And then Izuki started to laugh.  
  
And his laugh was...interesting to say the least.  
  
"O-OH MY GOD KAZU!" Izuki exclaimed between snorts. "H-HOW COULD YOU?"  
  
Kasamatsu lost it as soon as he saw Izuki send the bag of chips flying off his desk as he pounded the surface, desperate for air.  
  
Akashi had his hands covering his face but Takao could see what little skin was peeking out from Akashi's hands was bright red, the Rakuzan captain wheezing as he laughed.  
  
Takao couldn't help but join in as he witnessed his friends laugh at his misfortune.  
  
"I guess it was a pretty funny thing to say..."  
  
"BABE? FUNNY? IT WAS FUCKIN' HILARIOUS! YOU'RE A STONE COLD KILLER!"  
  
"Oh god Shin-chan just kinda looked at me with this disappointed look in his eyes and walked away and he just left!!! I fucked up bad..."  
  
Akashi rubbed his eyes and grinned.  
  
"Don't worry about that, that's Shintarou's reaction to pretty much everything. I'm sure he still...loves you?"  
  
Takao ignored the question mark.  
  
Kasamatsu had regained his composure and smiled lazily at the webcam monitor.  
  
"Oh man I just hope I never say that to Kise, I know he prides himself on his...hairline. And yeah whatever I'm sure you'll be fine Takao."  
  
"Thanks sock Senpai." Takao said dryly.  
  
"Hey babe?"  
  
"Yeah love?"  
  
"Would you say that what you just did..."  
  
"Hoe don't do it."  
  
"Was _'hawkward'_?!?!?!?!"  
  
"Oh my god"  
  
_*SockSenpai has left the call*_  
  
_*Taco has left the call*_  
  
"I guess it's just you and me Akashit..."  
  
"I guess it is."  
  
"Wanna hear a joke?"  
  
"I've been listening to you talk for the past hour Izuki."  
  
"..."  
  
_*PunPrince has left the call*_  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I'm proud of myself for that _'savage roast'._  
  
PunPrince: DELETE UR CYBER BULLYING ASS FROM THE INTERNET  
  
PunPrince: IM TELLING REO ON U!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Worth it.  


 


	3. kiyoshi teppei is too pure for this sinful chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DRUNK IZUKI IS TOO PURE FOR THIS WORLD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW UM GUYS? Y'ALL ARE PERFECT???? honestly ur comments and bookmarks *coughs awkwardly* and kudos'! guyssssssssssssssssssss im blushinnnn, i hope u guys enjoy this chapter! uh,,,leave a comment if u want izuki to cry over u??? idk man i crave long ass comments tbh hahaha love u guys!

There was something wonderful and amazing hanging out with your two attractive friends in public. There was just a constant stream of cute boys and girls coming up and introducing themselves to Takao and Izuki during lunch. Boy, did Furihata love being ignored!

After everyone relatively around their age in a 50 mile radius had chatted up Takao and Izuki (and ignored poor Furihata)Izuki began his super important story about himself and his conversation with one of his crushes.

"So after I told Yoshi I was single as _HECK_ , hoping he would pick up on that and start to date me or at least he would uh...nevermind, he was like 'hahaha that's cool, so you watch Netflix?' Which is such a fuck boy move am I right?"

Takao nodded, looking super into the story and Furihata groaned silently, fighting to keep his eyes open. He loved his friend, he really did but sometimes they could be a little too much...

"And I was like-"  
  
"Oh my god." Takao whispered loudly, cutting Izuki off and startling Furihata awake.  
  
"Cute white boy's at three'o clock!"  
  
Furihata looked confused.  
  
"Takao-san it's 5:30 pm are you okay? Oh what am I talking about...you're never okay..."  
  
"Not actually three o'clock Furi you rude piece of chihuahua! Look! They're sitting at the table to the left!"  
  
_"To the left, to the left~"_ Izuki sang under his breath and Takao kicked him sharply under the table.

"Now is not the time to be singing Beyoncé lyrics!" Takao whisper/shouted.

Izuki frowned, looking upset at both Takao's words and the fact that his story about his fuck boy crush had been cut short.

"There is never a wrong time to be singing Beyoncé lyrics." Izuki argued and Furihata wanted to disappear as the cute red haired white boy turned to look at them.

 _I'm so sorry, I'm a good person, don't judge me for my whack ass friends,_ Furihata said in his head and smiled awkwardly at the boy.  
  
"Stop it! This is serious! I fucked up all my chances with Shit-chan so this is perfect! Imma date another guy to get Shit-chan jealous!"

"Kazu! Stop being such a hoe in public! What if those guys speak Japanese?"

Just when Furihata thought that things couldn't get worse, Takao turned around and screeched;

_"PENIS FUCK TITS!"_

Izuki spit his tea out as he cackled, Furihata hid his face as Takao smiled a confident smile as the boys ignored him and the rest of the people in the café looked at Takao like he had murdered their grand parents right in front of them.

"Don't think they understand Japanese!" Takao said cheerfully.  
  
Furihata regretted joining these two for lunch, so badly. He could've been chilling at home, hiding under the covers and skyping his new found point guard friends. As weird as they were, they were an interesting brunch and Furihata couldn't wait to talk to them again, seeing as he had been super busy for the past couple of days, having been working hard.  
  
As Takao babbled on about the white boys, and as Izuki discreetly tried to lick salt and pepper out of his hand, Furihata pulled out his phone and opened up Skype.

  
  
_Thursday May 26th_

  
  
_5:35 pm_

  
  
FuriKou: can someone pls save me from this hell?  
  
FuriKou: takao and izuki senpai are being weird agaaaaaaaain  
  
BlackWidHoe: ofc they are  
  
BlackWidHoe: u should be used to their crazy shit by now  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: What is this _'crazy shit'_ they are doing right now?  
  
FuriKou: oh man where do i even start  
  
FuriKou: takaos fantasizing about white boys to make his 'shit chan' jealous

AkashiSeijuurou: 'shit chan' Oh my gosh, I love it.

AkashiSeijuurou: Do you not fantasize about caucasian males, Furihata-kun?

FuriKou: noooo hahahah i dont like guys actually...

AkashiSeijuurou: That's strange, Reo told me that his _'gaydar'_ went insane when we were playing agaisnt Seirin. He thought that all of you were homosexuals.

FuriKou: ahhhh im not i like girls! theres this one girl i like and shes so pretty and nice ahhhhhh

AkashiSeijuurou: She sounds wonderful. Are you two dating?

FuriKou: no...hahaha its kinda awkward actually

FuriKou: i asked her out after our last match...

BlackWidHoe: did she shut ur weak ass down?

FuriKou: and she said that she was interested in someeone else...

BlackWidHoe: AHAHAHA SHE SHUT UR WEAK ASS DOWN!!!!!

AkashiSeijuurou: Who was she interested in?

FuriKou: ...coach riko

BlackWidHoe: LMAOOOOO WHAT A NICE PLOT TWIST

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh my goodness, Furihata-kun I'm sorry for laughing...but that sounds like the plot for some strange lesbian drama.

FuriKou: ahahahaha well when u put it like that it does make me feel better...i would watch that drama tbh

AkashiSejuurou: I would too honestly. Did your coach reject her? Or are they dating now?

FuriKou: she got rejected by coach hehehe which made me weirdly feel a bit better

AkashiSeijuurou: That's good, that's good.

BlackWidHoe: so if u hoemos can shut ur mouth holes about lesbians

BlackWidHoe: what other embarrasing shit is izuki doing cmon u fuckin chihuauaua gimme dem details!

FuriKou: oh gosh i regret looking up

FuriKou: takao san is wiggling his tongue at the white boys

BlackWidHoe: bitch better get his own moves, cuz the tongue shit is MINE

AkashiSeijuurou: ...

BlackWidHoe: :P  
  
FuriKou: izuki senpais licking his hand...  
  
FuriKou: ...wait  
  
FuriKou: hes making his face all weird i dont think he knows im watching him  
  
_*FuriKou sent a photo*_  
  
BlackWidHoe: im sending that photo to all of izukis crushes fOR SURE  
  
TheShadyKing: ten minutes into Netflix and chill and he gives u that look

FuriKou: whats netflix and chill?

FuriKou: i couldve sworn izuki senpai asked me to do that with him last week...

TheShadyKing: oml

AkashiSeijuurou: _'oml'_? What does that mean?

BlackWidHoe: oh my llama

AkashiSeijuurou: How much do you think a llama costs? Koutarou keeps dropping hints that he wants me to buy him some sort of exotic animal for his next birthday.

TheShadyKing: (u were probably being sarcastic but i was curious so here)

TheShadyKing: _'While high quality alpacas can cost $20,000 - $50,000 each, a high quality llama is a fraction of that price. The elite end of the llamas price range varies but most fall in between $5000 - $20,000. Nice quality llamas are still found in the $2000 - $5000 range as well.'_

TheShadyKing: so if u want like,,,a high quality llama itll be like 2204600¥ give or take?

AkashiSeijuurou: ...Shouichi if I ever go to a llama breeding farm would you care to join me?

TheShadyKing: lol id be honored

BlackWidHoe:what the fuck did my bf just get stolen from me by fricking akashit wtf

FuriKou: i,,,just wanted to know,,,what netflix and chill was

BlackWidHoe:oh yah

BlackWidHoe: its when some fuckboi invites u over to watch netflix and he just wants to fuck u

BlackWidHoe: _*glares at hara and shoi*_

TheShadyKing: wow um i AM DIFFERENT!

BlackWidHoe: ???

TheShadyKing: i invited u over to youtube and chill cuz im too poor for netflix lmaoooo

FuriKou: ,,,well i know to never netflix and chill with izuki senpai now

FuriKou: or do i ;)

FuriKou: OMFG I AM SO SRRYU I DIDNT MEAN THAT THAT WAS V INNAPROPRIATE I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SINNER OH NOOO

AkashiSeijuurou: This must be what Mayuzumi feels like all the time...I know what kind of filth he's reading...I know...

BlackWidHoe: ahahaha i cant stop laughin at furi bro ur so weird what the fuckkk

AkashiSeijuurou: Speaking of my team, I have practice I need to go.

FuriKou: i need to go too...takao and izuki senpai are gettng worried why ive been in the bathroom for so long..

AkashiSeijuurou: Goodbye Furihata-kun.

FuriKou: omg bye akashi!

BlackWidHoe: um hello???

BlackWIdHoe: what the hell am i? a fuckin dead roach?

TheShadyKing: a dead spooder ;)

BlackWidHoe: GOOD FUCKIN RIDDANCE im leaVINg

BlackWidHoe: i fuckin hate u shoi

TheShadyKing: heheheh that wot stop me from coming over this evening

BlackWidHoe: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ do what u want dude

 

_8: 09 pm_

 

TheShadyKing: i know im late...

BlackWidHoe: ヽ(ー_ー )ノ

TheShadyThing: but i stopped by the drug store to get your...

TheShadyKing: ...stuff

BlackWidHoe: <(￣︶￣)>

 

_10: 36 pm_

 

SockSenpai: stuff like drugs or like...?

BlackWidHoe: ...yeah sure that kinda stuff

Sock Senpai: ?

BlackWidHoe: :)

SockSenpai: ...okay then...

_11: 20 pm_

 

FuriKou: somEONE PLSSS HELP ME

BlackWidHoe: what up u chihuauauauauauauau

FuriKou: IZUKI SANEPAI IS AHEREW

FuriKou: AND I THINKN HEMAYBE A LITTLE DRUNK

BlackWidHoe: oh god what a frEAk

*FuriKou sent a photo*

FuriKou: HE JSUT CAME IN AND THREW HIMSELF ON MY BED AND STARTEADA CRYING CAN SOAMEONE PLS COME OVER ABD HELP ,ME DEAL WITH HIM?

BlackWidHoe: dude wtf r u drunk?

FuriKou: nOOO im scssared

BlackWidHoe: shoi just said he wants to come over

BlackWidHoe: dw i punched tf outta him for suggesting that

FuriKou: just asked izuki if he wanted imaysohi to come over and he started crying harder

FuriKou: *imayoshi

BlackWidHoe: shoi just said _"rude"_ and kept on playing his guitar hahahahahahahaah fuckin nerd i hate him

FuriKou: you guys are...

FuriKou: a rllu rlly cute couple oh my gosh!!!

BlackWidHoe: da fuq

BlackWidHoe: no we arent

FuriKou: yeah you are!

FuriKou: hes at ur place and probably serenading u with his guitar thats adorable!

BlackWidHoe: bitch pls if he tried to serenade me id fuck him with his guitar ew

FuriKou: wow um,,,okay,,,so uh anyways how do u deal with a drunk pointguard that wont stop crying

TheShadyKing: usually when makoto gets all emo i just throw some lovin at his ridiculously sentimental flat ass and watch some cheesy ass romance movie on netflix and stuff his mouth hole with chinese food

BlackWidHoe: um okay first of all

BlackWidHoe: my ass is the OPPOSITE of flat

BlackWidHoe: got an ass so plump it was the REASONNNNNN kiyoshi broke his leg

BlackWidHoe: he brushed against my glorious cheeks and his dick just exploded and he fell and snapped his leg hahahahahaha

FuriKou: ...

FuriKou: i dont know how to react to that

TheShadyKing: just ignore my demi spooder princess! i usually do anyways.,..

BlackWidHoe: betch what

FuriKou: i think imma go and call kiyoshi and hyuuga senpai

FuriKou: 1) im doing izuki senpai a hugeeeee favour cuz i know he loves them more than anything

FuriKou: (just as much as he loves moriyama san from kaijo and puns and bubble tea and crying on my carpet on a school night...)

FuriKou: 2) theyre izukis best friends!!! why wont they be able to help them???

SockSenpai: yo, best friends arent that great

FuriKou: omg hi kasamatsu senpai!

SockSenpai: sup

SockSenpai: this one time mori and kobori found a magazine with kise on the cover and there was vanilla milkshake spilled over the cover and they wouldnt stop giving me shit for...obvious reasons...

FuriKou: i dont get it

SockSenpai: ah didnt think you would

SockSenpai: long story short best friends suck ass but like...in a good way...so yeah im pretty sure if anyone kiyoshi can uh...help izuki while hyuuga seems the type just uh yell at izuki and then get flustered when he realizes his true feelings for his friend and he'll start acting harsher and harsher around izuki while trying to make his real feelings go away...

TheShadyKing: sounds a lot like a certain captain and his blond model crush ;)

SockSenpai: fuCKKKkKkK OFF U DONT KNOW MY LIFE LETS TALK ABOUT DRUNK IZUKI

_*FuriKou sent a photo*_

FuriKou: in case u didnt get the photo izuki senpai is holding his phone and crying because takao hung up on him

TheShadyKing: ahhh you better call izukis friends before he starts to scream

FuriKou: before he starts to what

TheShadyKing: ;) i need to go, i got a demi spooder princess to cuddle

TheShadyKing: good luck dealing with ur senpai <3

FuriKou: iMAYOSHI SENPAI PLS COME BACK U SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IZUKI SENPAIIIII OH GOSH

FuriKou: time to bring out _'the big guns'_ i guess..

TheShadyKing: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

FuriKou: SERIOUSLY???///

 

_11: 57 pm_

 

FuriKou: UPDATE ON THE DRUNK SENPAI SITCH

FuriKou: KIYOSHI AND HYUUGA SENPAI ARE HERE HEREE AND its getting pretty gay

_*FuriKou sent a photo*_

Taco: goalsssss

Taco: i wanna be held by kiyoshis nice ass arms wtf

FuriKou: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FuriKou: IZUKI SENPAI STARTED CRYING CUZ U HUNG UP

Taco: okay but like himuro texted me and he like nevre does that so i had to text him back and then we started talking about...

Taco: stuff

Taco: *never

BlackWidHoe: drugs probably

BlackWidHoe: everyone knows yosens pretty boys dating a stoner

AkashiSeijuurou: Confirmed.

AkashiSeijuurou: Did I use that correctly?

Taco: yeah actually lol

AkashiSeijuurou: Yay. I'm pleased.

FuriKou: IM NOT!!!

FuriKou: oh man izuki senpais calling me

FuriKou: lemme give my phone to kiyoshi senpai

BlackWidHoe: um...dont fucking do it?

FuriKou: Hi guys! _K

BlackWidHoe: what the fuck no get the fuck out

BlackWidHoe: does dis motherfucker seriously fuckin sign his messages LOL what a damn loser

FuriKou: Swears excessively? Spider related skype name? Spider profile picture? Emo skype bio? Yup! Must be Makoto! _K

TheShadyKing: aw shit hes got u there babe lol

FuriKou: Hey...Imayoshi-san right? Nice profile picture! That fish sure is something..._K

BlackWidHoe: teppei dont make me break ur legs again <3

TheShadyKing: hahaha thanks my fish is pretty big huh ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TheShadyKing: almost as big as my _'fish'_ down stairs if ya know what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

FuriKou: yeah youre definitely imayoshi! _k

FuriKou: and makoto theres no need for violence! youre friends with izuki now arent you? whats stopping us from being friends? :)_K

BlackWidHoe: okay first of all get that smily face away from me before i print it out and shove it up ur ass

TheShadyKing: kinky ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BlackWidHoe: why must u be like this

TheShadyKing: ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

FuriKou: hahaha point guards are so funny! _k

BlackWidHoe: you know what else is funny :)?  
  
FuriKou: what? _K  
  
BlackWidHoe: UR UGLY FACE HAHAHAHA  
  
TheShadyKing: someones a little terrible with their roasts today  
  
TheShadyKing: takao would be disappointed  
  
FuriKou: you know whats even funnier? _K  
  
FuriKou: you thinking that your 'big' butt caused me to break my leg :) _K  
  
BlackWidHoe: aw SHIT thats just rude man leave my ass outta this  
  
FuriKou: and you know whats even funnier than that? _K  
  
TheShadyKing: _*grabs popcorn and waits for my demi spooder princess to be roasted by kiyoshi*_  
  
FuriKou: your name Makoto! _K  
  
BlackWidHoe: my what  
  
BlackWidHoe: OH yah  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuck im still pissed over how i dont know how to change my name  
  
FuriKou: i think ur name suits u! :) _K  
  
TheShadyKing: SHI T  
  
BlackWidHoe: GO AND FUCKIND FEAL WITH UR WASTED BOYFRIEND  
  
FuriKou: boyfriend?  
  
TheShadyKing: wow hes so surprised he forgot to sign his message with his name lmao  
  
FuriKou: shun isnt my boyfriend?  
  
TheShadyKing: dat question mark tho  
  
FuriKou: i mean hes a friend of mine that is a boy! but im pretty sure thats not what u meant...  
  
TheShadyKing: well if ur not dating Izuki then ill volunteer as his boyfriend lol  
  
FuriKou: No.  
  
TheShadyKing: WOW UM OKAY EVERYONES JUST TRYING TO GET BETWEEN ME AND MY SOUL MATE  
  
BlackWidHoe: -_-  
  
FuriKou: No offence Shouichi but Shuns type isnt creepy pervert.  
  
BlackWidHoe: OHOHO PROPER PUNCTUATION?!?! FIRST NAME?!?!? kiyoshis pisssssssssed  
  
TheShadyKing: aw man well i guess ill go before seirins dad attacks me  
  
TheShadyKing: cant die yet  
  
TheShadyKing: i need to explore the world and do shit  
  
TheShadyKing: shit being Izuki ;)  
  
BlackWidHoe: did u just fuckin call ur weird ass crush shit  
  
FuriKou: i feel the sudden urge to check up on shun now.  
  
FuriKou: bye guys! _K  
  
FuriKou: talk to y'all soon! _K  
  
BlackWidHoe: hope not lol  
  
TheShadyKing: ah now i see where izuki got his weird southern slang from  
  
SockSenpai: aw shit did i miss Kiyoshi?  
  
SockSenpai: damnit!  
  
SockSenpai: i rlly wanted to talk to him! hes a huge inspiration to me...  
  
BlackWidHoe: yknow what else he is  
  
BlackWidHoe: a HUGE DICK  
  
Taco: i bet he has one too ;)  
  
SockSenpai: takao i just...  
  
SockSenpai: ...  
  
SockSenpai: _*ignores takao softly*_  
  
TheShadyKing: how to ignore someone softly  
  
SockSenpai: how is kiyoshi a dick? hes literally so nice?  
  
BlackWidHoe: LIES  
  
BlackWidHoe: FILTHY LIES  
  
BlackWidHoe: he may seem like a fluffy ball of sunshine smothered in sweet cinnamon bun juices  
  
BlackWidHoe: BUT IN REALITY  
  
BlackWidHoe: HES A MASSIVE PENIS  
  
BlackWidHoe: A GINORMOUS TESTICLE  
  
BlackWidHoe: he just rlly sucks okay  
  
Taco: so hes like me ;)  
  
BlackWidHoe: ur like five stfu  
  
Taco: um??? Excuse meeeee sweaty :) but i am 7 so uh...dont hate me cuz u aint me  
  
TheShadyKing: now thats what i call edgy  
  
SockSenpai: Takao you arent seven though? Arent you like 15?  
  
Taco: DAMNIT KASA IM 16 WHY ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS I TRUSTED U HOW DARE U NOT KNOW MY TRUE AGE WE NEED TO BREAK UP  
  
SockSenpai: jfc im sorry takao and uh? Break up? We were never dating...  
  
Taco: scREA MS SO THATS HOW IT IS  
  
Taco: I SHOULDVE NEVER INVITED U TO MY SWEET SIXTEEN BDAY BASH LAST YEAR  
  
SockSenpai: k  
  
Taco: D:  
  
Taco: _*is distressed*_  
  
BlackWidHoe: ok but like  
  
BlackWidHoe: whats so sweet about ur sixteenth birthday  
  
BlackWidHoe: WHAT IF I WANT A SOUR SIXTEEN DAMNIT  
  
Taco: now thats i call edgy  
  
TheShadyKing: my sixteenth bday was spicy ;)  
  
SockSenpai: what  
  
BlackWidHoe: stfu Shoi u nerd i showed up to ur house and shoved a cupcake in ur mouth and then we played Pokemon all night how the fuq is that spicy  
  
TheShadyKing: my definition of spicy is different than urs why cant ya just accept me for who i am makoto! why cant u love my differences? :(  
  
BlackWidHoe: ...-_-  
  
Taco: =_=  < that looks more like u hahahahahahah GET REKT  
  
BlackWidHoe: _*izuki voice*_ wow this is CYBER BULLYING  
  
Taco: SPEAKING OF MY BOYF  
  
SockSenpai: boyf?  
  
Taco: boyf(riend) DUHHHH  
  
SockSenpai: but u and izuki aren't dating are you?  
  
SockSenpai: i thought izuki liked Mori...  
  
SockSenpai: and apparently he likes Kiyoshi and hyuuga as well huh  
  
Taco: _*ignores Kasa softly*_  
  
Taco: hanameme? imayoshit? u guys there?  
  
BlackWidHoe: no lol  
  
TheShadyKing: makoto is such a tease ;)  
  
BlackWidHoe: only f-for Senpai!  
  
BlackWidHoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA jk  
  
Taco: yall are so boringggggggggggg

Taco: imma go and risk my luck with shin chan and text him

Taco: hope i dont die

Taco: and i if i do die yall bet ur asses ill come back as a ghost and stalk shin chan

BlackWidHoe: now THATS commitment

BlackWidHoe: shoi when i kill u u better come back as a ghost to keep my company

Taco: i hope ghost sex is a thing

SockSenpai: ...im kink shaming takao for ghost sex anD IM KINK SHAMING HANAMIYA FOR MURDERING HIS BOYFRIEND WHAT THE FUCK

TheShadyKing: i would be honoured to be killed by my demi spooder princess <3

SockSenpai: ...yall are just 2 weird

 

_Friday May 27th_

_1: 59 am_

 

PunPrince: guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys

PunPrince: WHATS UP MY HOMOS

PunPrince: ****homies hahahahah my bad

PunPrince: ,,,

PunPrince: IM OS SORRY YALL THAT AWASNT MY JKKE I STOLE THAT FROM TUMBLR OHA MY GOD WHY CANT I STOP LAUAGHIN G

PunPrince: ahahaahhahaha btytheway i might beee a teensy toonsy bit drunk lamoooo

PunPrince: i not drunk i happyyyyy

PunPrince: oMG WAITA

PunPrince: OM SORY I DIDNT TEXT U GUYS EARLIER HYUUUUUUUUGA THE DICK HOE TOK MY PHONE AND WOULDNT GVE IT BACK WHAT THE FUK I HATE HIM

PunPrince: oh....noO I DONT HES LYING NEXT TO ME IN FURIS GUEST BEDROOM I REMEMBER WHAT HES AID LAST NIGHTWTTTT

PunPrince: he wasl ike to furiand kisyoshi

PunPrince: "blah blah bakh shun might get alchol poisnoning i dont want him tao vchoke on hus vomit if he does throw up so ill saty the night a dsleep next to him just in case"

PunPrince: i loaveee him so mcuh ahahahhaha

PunPrince: ah i feel something woarm on my back/!1!!

PunPrince: what is it!!!

PunPrince: ah!!!

PunPrince: its a ha;f naked kiysoshiii!!!!

PunPrince: why he naked

PunPrince: oooOOOH OH I KNOW WHH JE NAKED

PunPrince: im! wearing!!!! his shirtt!! DAS SSOSSOOOO ROMANTIC I CRY EVERTIEM

PunPrince: his shirt too big for me goddamn bodyy

PunPrince: this is the neicets sandwicth ive ever been innnnn

PunPrince: not like ive been in manyyy sandwhiches butttt

PunPrince: this one is a 1010101100101/10 sandwhich would reconmed

PunPrince: EXCEPT U AGUYS WILL ENAEVER EVER BE ABEL TO BE UIN THIS SANDWHICH its MY SANDWHICH BACK OFFF HAHAHA

PunPrince: ...m sorrey for thast

PunPrince: weere eu guys tlaking about llamamamamamams?

PunPrince: I WANT A LAMAMAMAAMAMAMAMA

PunPrince: tepppeei and junpei alove me theyd buy me a lalalalalalalamamamamama IF I ASKED thewm to

PunPrince: is it bad i awwanna date two guys at once?

PunPrince: AW HWAHIT I FORGOT ABOUT MORIIII

PunPrince: it  bad for me to date three bois?

PunPrince: COURSE IT NOT HAHAHAHA i can do whatevrrt ai want

PunPrince: and whoeevvevver hahheheheheheh

PunPrince: its soooo comfy in thuis bed

PunPrince: ajhhhh!!! hyuuuugos wearing the sdhirt i got him

PunPrince: hueueueueueue it has a pepé on it he looks so gooosoosod

PunPrince: ahhhhhhhhh both the froog and the junpei look v good!

PunPrince: !!! froog and hte junpeiiii what a goooood band name lol!

PunPrince: I WOUDL LISETN TO THAT BAND AL DAY HEHE

PunPrince: ...

PunPrince: im rlly glad we started tihs croup chat guysss

PunPrince: cuz like if aai didnt haev thus chat id just be taLking to myself anddd crying rn and then id wake kiysho and huyyya up and das not god

PunPrince: theyrrre the rwrwsons why i sarted to cry ahahahhha ah...

PunPrince: was on insta saw riko profile saw her kssingthem and felt emo and ran to furis house and drank his special drinks when he wasnt lookginnn and iuf ekt bad]] hes such a good friend anda i stol ehis spanish beer

PunPrince: lollll spanis alcoojol fucks me auo badddddlly

PunPrince: fyururii tried t listen to me but i wasnt makng sense and then kazu texted me a emmeeme and i staretd laughiggg and furi got weirded outtt and stoppped listenaaaaaaiung to me and/';;;l;

PunPrince: shit i tahought hyuuuuga wolke up ahahahahahah no he snore

PunPrince: anyways frui called kiyashi adn hyuuga and they caem eover and took away the spanish beer rr rrrr and kisyohi i hink pcked me up and carrrred me to bed and furu called my dad and told him i was sleeping ov er and hyuuga held my haIR back when i threw up an hour late rrrrrrr r

PunPrince: and yoiu hguiys orbably dont care but in justwante d to let ths out

PunPrince: wellll i knwo kazu wouldcare

PunPrince: i lOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE KAZUUUUUU030i3

PunPrince: he suhc gaood friend

PunPrince: he a;loevs me and supprots my jhoe activitwes

PunPrince: ia lsmo love everyne else in this grou p chayt

PunPrince: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're all spme ahaha some sort of whacked uop family hjow cooil is that?

PunPrince: sososososososos coool

PunPrince: i llllllllllllllllllove mi sme kasaaa

PunPrince: kasa cuz he poreteds tpo hate everything but hes jujst using a grumpy exteriour to hide his true love for us all aahahahhaa hes like junpiei and i love junpei so by that logic i loooooooooooooooooooooooooove kasa yyyaahhahahah

PunPrince: i ;ovw furi because hes such a good son and ahe rtkaes care f memmem ahhhhh i lub jim

PunPrince: love me som akashi cuz his other side uis soi demonic and scary and hes so cool and freaky but his 'real' self is soa sweet and cute and nevrys an clsumy ahhhhhh i wanna be besties with aksshi

PunPrince: dont live me some imaysohit and hanameme tho hahahahah lolol

PunPrince: oh ah !!!! ah!!! i think teppeis awake!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i love teppei so much!!!! imma put my phone away and cuddle wuith hyuuuuuuuga bceuaeeeee i can ahahahaaaaaaaaaa

PunPrince: platonically tho whahhahahaha no hOMOOO

PunPrince: i hope i is not hungover ub thge morning heheheheheheh

 

_6: 43 am_

 

PunPrince: what the fuck

 

 


	4. Reo in da house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reo: *is perfect*
> 
> Hanamiya: *is bitter*
> 
> Takao: *is legs*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WE GOT 1K HITS IM SO PROUD OF MY SMOL SHITTY FIC THATS GAINED SO MUCH ATTENTION AHHHHHHHH
> 
> IM SO GRATEFUL FOR EVERY SINGLE PERSON THATS CONTRIBUTED TO MY KUDOS' HITS AND BOOKMARKS YALL ARE BETTER THAN REO AND IZUKI
> 
> ALSO ITS IMAYOSHITS BDAY AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT FOR NOT ADDING IT IN TOO MUCH BUT GOSH DID I WANNA GET THIS CHAPTER OUT TODAY SO APOLOGIZES IF THIS CHAPTER SUCKS AAAH LOVE YALL BYE FOR NOW!!!

As much as Hanamiya loved his mother he had to admit she could embarrass _the fuck_ outta him sometimes.

 

"So...baby, Shouichi's birthday is coming up soon isn't it?"

 

Hanamiya froze in the middle of setting the table and turned to look at his mother with a confused expression. He set the final plate down on the table (his mom made him set three places at the table which was weird but Hanamiya had shrugged it off) and crossed his arms over his sweater, making eye contact with the woman in the doorway.

 

"I uh...guess it is, mom." Hanamiya mumbled, not really sure where this conversation was going, but was already sure he wasn't gonna like it

 

She smiled brightly at him and wrapped an arm around her sons neck, giving him a knowing smile which made his insides churn and his face flush with embarrassment as he braced himself for what was coming next.

 

"So...you kids still give each other sex as presents?"

 

"MOM!" Hanamiya buried his reddened face in his moms neck, grumbling quietly as she laughed loudly.

 

"Don't pretend you and Shouichi haven't done it yet. I clean your room. I find the condoms and birth control, my love, and I'm not even mad, just glad you're having safe sex! We don't need another team mom around here do we?"

 

Hanamiya shook his head but refused to make eye contact with his mom, praying that she hadn't gone through his sex toy collection yet.

 

 

 

 

"Oh baby did I embarrass you? Oh no...hey how about you invite Shouichi over for dinner? I made extra pasta anyways!"

 

 "You did that on purpose didn't you?" Hanamiya accused her and she grinned.

 

"Maybe I did...go message him baby, I'm sure he won't mind!"

 

Hanamiya turned on his heel to run away from the kitchen as fast as he could but he paused and gave his mom a quick kiss on the forehead.

 

"Love you ma..." He mumbled and she squeezed him tightly.

 

"Love you too my little spawn..."

 

Hanamiya couldn't help but smile as he headed upstairs to message his boyfriend, feeling weirdly happy for the first time in a few days, although his happy mood sure wasn't going to last.

 

 

 

 

 

_ Wednesday June 1st _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ 7:28 pm _

 

BlackWidHoe: hey shoi u coming over tonight

 

BlackWidHoe: my mom wants u to come over for some reason  


 

BlackWidHoe: it definitely wasnt me who wanted to invite ur gross ass over to my pure innocent house

 

Taco: 'pure innocent house'

 

BlackWidHoe: shut the hell ur mouth damnit

 

TheShadyKing: i wouldnt miss mama hanamiyas cooking for anything ;) count me in

 

BlackWidHoe: dude my moms literally just heating it up its store bought pasta da fuq u mean home cooking

 

TheShadyKing: ah well whatever im still gonna be there

 

TheShadyKing: love having dinner with my future wife and mother in law~

 

BlackWidHoe: ( ✿ ╹◡╹ ) whatcha call me

 

Taco: yoooooooo imayoshit and hanameme have dinner together with hanamemes mom?

 

TheShadyKing: saved by the takao thank god

 

Taco: thats such a couple thing to do holy shit

 

TheShadyKing: me and my future mother in law have a great relationship!

 

BlackWidHoe: STOP CALLING HER THAT WTFFFF

 

Taco: y'all are almost as cute as me and shin chan ahhhhhhhhhhhh

 

BlackWidHoe: lmao yeah at least ive never insulted shois hairline in front of him

 

Taco: FUCK U WHO TOLD U

 

BlackWidHoe: Kasa ;)

 

Taco: AAAAURGH SOCK SENPAI WHYYYYYYY

 

TheShadyKing: wait what he mean by 'in front of him'

 

TheShadyKing: u and ya weird kiridai friends talk about my hairline when im not there?

 

BlackWidHoe: tbh our convos are already weird as fuck as i wouldnt be surprised if Hara started talking about hairlines or some shit

 

Taco: U GUYS THINK UR CONVOS ARE WEIRD?

 

Taco: PINEAPPLE SENPAI KEEPS 'ACCIDENTALLY' TALKING ABPOUT HIS SEX LIFE WITH ME DAS SO RUDE

 

Taco: hES LIKE "OH SORRY GUYS CANT RUN LAPS TODAY MY LEGS HIRT TOO MUCH"

 

Taco: AND OTSUBO SENPAI LETS HIM SIT OUT

 

Taco: YOU KNOW WHWY

 

Taco: CUZ HES THE REASON WHY PINEAPPLE SENPAI IS ALL SORE AND SHIT

 

Taco: THEYRE FUCKIN AND ME AND SHIN CHAN ARENT EHAT KINDA FUCKERY IS THIS

 

TheShadyKing: 'fuckery'

 

BlackWidHoe: okay but like

 

BlackWidHoe: hara asked me how big my 'tiddies' were so i told him 1080p to fuck with him and he moaned

 

BlackWidHoe: i fuckin hate my team

 

Taco: u know hanamemes team desperate for some action when they hit on their captain HAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

BlackWidHoe: ...

 

_ *BlackWidHoe sent a photo* _

 

BlackWidHoe: SHOIS SWEATER IS JUST SO DAMN COMFY AAAH I LOVE WEARING MY BOYFRIENDS CLOTHES

 

BlackWidHoe: don't u just love wearing boyfriend clothes takao-kun? :)

 

Taco: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯ me and shun are practically dating plus i know u probably stole that from imayoshit so I DONT CAREEEEEEE HAHAHA

 

BlackWidHoe: ugHhhhHHhHh

 

TheShadyKing: its true hes like a possessive cat that's trying to build a nest with all my hoodies aND HE NEVER ASKS FOR PERMISSION BEFORE TAKING THEM MHMMMmmMmMm

 

BlackWidHoe: dont expose me

 

BlackWidHoe: also

 

_ *BlackWidHoe added GlamoReo to the conversation* _

 

BlackWidHoe: reO U BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF SHIT SEND US A PIC OF UR STUPIDLY GORGEOUS SELF IN UR FUCK ASS BOYFRIENDS SHIRT

 

BlackWidHoe: I KNOW UR ONLINE U GOD DAMN PRETTY HOE GODDESS ANSWER ME

 

TheShadyKing: babe pls chill

 

GlamoReo: oh hey mako-chan~ if you wanted a photo of me so badly you could've just asked nicely! ♡

 

BlackWidHoe: im gonna

 

TheShadyKing: have sex with me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

BlackWidHoe: cut a bitch

 

TheShadyKing: or u can do that whatever floats ur goat ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

 

GlamoReo: pardon me, did u just say his goat?

 

GlamoReo: i dont think thats how the saying goes...

 

_ *Taco sent a photo* _

 

BlackWidHoe: why the fuck do u just have random photos of goats swimming

 

Taco: dont u?

 

BlackWidHoe: ???? NOOO

 

GlamoReo: I have lots of photos from my last beach trip with Chi-chan! He tried to swim to impress me but almost drowned oh how cute is he •3• ♡

 

TheShadyKing: boys drowning is an adorable mental image

 

BlackWidHoe: it is to me :)

 

GlamoReo: ugh youre still the same as always

 

BlackWidHoe: yaHHHH WELL SO R U

 

BlackWidHoe: UR STILL FUCKIN OBNOXIOUS AS HELL WITH UR LAME NAME AND UR GROSS PROFILE PIC AND SHIT

 

GlamoReo: whats wrong with my profile pic? I thought it was lovely...

 

TheShadyKing: its hot

 

GlamoReo: thx <3

 

Taco: i cant see it wtf it looks like a walrus

 

GlamoReo: hello Kazu-chan~~~~~~~

 

GlamoReo: ur lucky ur cute or else I wouldve killed u for calling me a walrus~

 

Taco: DAS U???

 

Taco: holy shit reo im sorry lol the lighting in my room sucks ass

 

BlackWidHoe: the lighting in ur room is Shoi lol

 

TheShadyKing: confirmed

 

*GlamoReo sent a photo*

 

GlamoReo: its obviously me and chi chan kissing on the beach at sunset!!!

 

GlamoReo: so romantic right

 

BlackWidHoe: if that was me and Shoi in that photo first of all i wouldnt be wearing such a slutty suit

 

GlamoRep: -_- it was a gift from Sei-chan! He bought it for me when he was in America!

 

GlamoReo: hehehe you shouldve heard how embarrassed he was when he was asking for my cup size!

 

GlamoReo: poor boy sounded like he was gonna faint when i said double d! He's so precious!

 

TheShadyKing: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

TheShadyKing: those are some awfully big bosoms you have there reo

 

TheShadyKing: it would be a shame if someone

 

TheShadyKing: accidentally

 

TheShadyKing: touched them( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

GlamoReo: oh nO not this nonsense again

 

GlamoReo: you and drunk chi chan are just the same

 

GlamoReo: "reo, why do u spend so much money on bras when i would gladly hold up ur boobs for free all day"

 

GlamoReo: hes so dirty >.<

 

GlamoReo: but I love him  ♡^♡

 

Taco: much like the best things in life

 

Taco: dirty but lovable ;)

 

BlackWidHoe: ur like seven shut the fuck up

 

Taco: 1) i was talking about mud so ur the dirty minded one here ;)

 

BlackWidHoe: what the fuck

 

Taco: AND 2)

 

Taco: OKAY YOUVE SAID THAT SO MUCH ITS BECOME A MEME OF ITS OWN OMGGGG HANAMEME HAS FULFILLED THE LEGEND OF BECOMING AN ACTUAL MEME

 

BlackWidHoe: =_=

 

BlackWidHoe: anyways

 

BlackWidHoe: i hate reo

 

BlackWidHoe: just in case none of u fuck asses picked up on it yet

 

GlamoReo: dont hate me because of our junior high days makotoooo~

 

TheShadyKing: what happened in middle school babe?

 

TheShadyKing: (that 'babe' was directed towards either of u two lovely boys hit me up if u want ;) )

 

BlackWidHoe: NOTHING HAPPENED IN JUNIOR HIGH STFU

 

GlamoReo: hmmm? but i remember a certain someone having a crush on the same boy i liked and i remember a certain someone being humiliated by Ei-chan!

 

BlackWidHoe: reo i swear to god if u don't stfu imma steal ur man

 

GlamoReo: UM??? CHIHIRO LOVES ME AND WOULD NEVER BREAK UP WITH ME TO DATE Y O U

 

Taco: SHOTS FIRED OHOHO

 

BlackWidHoe: U WANNA TEST THAT OUT HUH U PUNK BITCH

 

BlackWidHoe: IS HE WITH U RN???

 

TheShadyKing: im legit scared rn

 

GlamoReo: ofc hes with me~ he loves me and wants to spend all his free time with me of courseeee

 

FuriKou: ...

 

FuriKou: what the fuck is going on

 

BlackWidHoe: im fuckin starting a video call and if anyone tries to leave ill rip of their head and use it as a basketball

 

Taco: hanameme plsssss dunk that emo head of yours into a bucket of ice and C H I L L

 

*Point Guards Unite  （ > ∀ < ）is now calling*

 

Hanamiya slammed his palm down on his desk with a loud THWACK, startling Furihata who yelped and pushed himself away from his web camera.

 

"P-please calm-"

 

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Hanamiya snapped and Imayoshi smirked and obnoxiously finger gunned at his boyfriend.

 

"Have I ever told you how sexy you look when you're mad?"

 

Hanamiya growled, ripping a pencil from his pencil holder and snapping it in two wiping he smirk from Imayoshi's face immediately.

 

"Wow um okay...I'm going to pretend that you weren't referencing my dick with that..."

 

"Mako-chan is so problematic..." Reo blew on his nails, hair wrapped in a fluffy pink towel looking beautiful as ever as he sassed Hanamiya, his bedroom (?) was a simple white in the background, his bed a nice pastel pink as he lounged on his floral sheets, looking like a relaxed goddess right after an expensive spa treatment.  


 

Hanamiya looked more like some sort of angry potato, cheeks flushed and face sticky with sweat as his bangs curled and stuck to his forehead. In Imayoshi's opinion he looked like an adorable little thing but everyone else was _slightly_ terrified of how tightly Hanamiya was gripping the broken pieces of the pencil corpse.

 

"HOE DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?"

 

Takao reclined back in his chair, laughing loudly at both Reo's scandalized expression at being called a hoe and Furihata's scared looking eyes.

 

"G-guy I think I need to g-go?"

 

"Good," Hanamiya smirked and cracked his knuckles. "Less witnesses to see me murder the fuck outta Reo."

 

Imayoshi was just in the middle of protesting ( _"How do ya murder 'the fuck' outta someone?"_ ) when a white head of hair popped in front of Reo's webcam.

 

"Bitch what did you just say?"

 

"CHI-CHAN!" Reo squealed, throwing his arms around his boyfriend who has just appeared _out of fucking nowhere was Furihata hallucinating this shit didn't happen naturally,_ as Takao shrieked and slid off his chair, landing on his floor with a thump.

 

"FUCK YOU MAYONNAISE!" Takao wailed as Imayoshi howled with laughter.

 

"Oh good, you're here. I was just about to murder your boyfriend."

 

Mayuzumi glared at Kirisaki Daichi's captain.

 

"By boyfriend you better not have meant Reo and by murder you better not have meant you were gonna try and kill him-"

 

"WHAT ELSE WOULD I HAVE MEANT WHEN I SAID I WOULD MURDER HIM?"

 

"Well maybe it's like when I say I'm gonna murder ya ass in bed-"

 

"Shoi go back to laughing at Takao or some shit."

 

"Guys I think I'm stuck-"

 

"W-well I'll just leave-"

 

Everyone turned to stare at Furihata and he whimpered quietly, wanting to melt as he avoided everyone's gazes, especially Reo's beautiful and intense violet gaze, veiled by his long dark lashes that perfectly contrasted with the whites of his eyes and the paleness of his flawless skin and his-

 

"Furi you're gay-zing. GET IT??? _GAY-zing! Gazing! ...gazing...gayyyyyyyzing"_ Takao whispered the last part quietly and Hanamiya growled.

 

"Say gay-zing one more fucking time. I dare you."

 

There was an uncomfortable silence. Mayuzumi kept darting in and out of the frame, disappearing with a frown before re appearing lightening quick to exchange saliva with Reo. Takao, or Takao's legs since that was the only part of Takao they could see wiggled happily, his ankle nearly taking out his web cam as his legs swayed from side to side. 

 

The silence stretched on for what seemed like forever until Furihata tried to get up discreetly but ended up knocking over his desk chair and empty cup, looking around wildly trying to find a place to hide, before finally darting under his desk, cheeks red as he pretended to take his time picking up his cup.  


 

Takao (or Takao's legs) honked happily.

 

"Was that Furi?!?!?! HAH THAT WAS..."

 

_ "AGAYZING!" _

 

Hanamiya stuck out both his middle fingers at the rectangle containing Takao's legs on his screen.

 

"Fuck this shit-"

 

_"I'm out_ _~"_  


 

Reo pulled away from his boyfriends neck long enough to coo at Imayoshi loudly. 

 

"Oh Mako-chan your boyfriend is so cute! You guys are so adorable, finishing each others sentences and what not! See Mako-chan! You don't need to try and steal Chi-chan from me!"

 

"What."

 

"Oh don't worry Chi-chan, he could never steal you from me anyways~"

 

"Hey I could fucking steal your god damn fuck ass boyfriend if I could-"

 

"Y'all need to calm down," Imayoshi snickered and stirred his cup noodles as the two black haired boys on his screen glared at him. "Why don't ya...I dunno...ask MayuMayu if he would date my precious demi spooder princess?"

 

All eyes, minus Takao's although his toes wiggled excitedly as he waited for Mayu's response, turned to the now college boy.

 

"Chi-chan...would you rather keep dating me-"

 

Reo paused and took off the towel keep his hair up and let his hair fall out in messy ringlets, shaking it out and framing his face making him look like an angel that had just come out of the shower. Do angels shower? Yeah they probably shower in the tears of straight white boys.

 

"You look like a porn star." Hanamiya said flatly at the same time Imayoshi whispered dreamily;

 

"He looks like a model in a shampoo commercial~"

 

"Shampoo commercials get you off huh?" Takao's legs said. "Uh...actually I don't want to know what gets you off."

 

"Hey, at least I don't fantasize about carrots ya damn freak!"

 

"Imayoshi-san d-don't be rude to Takao-san..."

 

"OKAY BUT LIKE I'M OVER SHIN CHAN NOW??? I need a new fruit to obsess over..."

 

"..."

 

"Sweetie I'm not the sharpest basketball in the bunch but even I know that carrots are vegetables-"

 

"Reo that's not how the saying goes-"

 

"Well it is now."

 

"I guess when you're beautiful as fuck, anything you say goes."

 

"Thanks Kazu-chan's legs!"

 

Mayuzumi looked dead inside as he looked between Reo and the web camera for a while before sighing.

 

"Wasn't I supposed to answer some kinda dumb question?"

 

"Oh yes!!! So would you rather date me or Mako-chan?"

 

Imayoshi slurped down his noodles. Takao did some reverse squats with his legs. Furihata was still under the table. Hanamiya flicked his tongue in and out of his mouth, eyes crossed, looking downwards as he stared intently at his abnormally long muscle.

 

Mayuzumi wet his lips.

 

Reo coughed delicately.

 

Hanamiya coughed not so delicately.

 

"Well if I had to choose I'd obviously choose-"

 

_"REO! CHIHIRO!_ WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING MY LAPTOP?"

 

Furihata slammed his head on the underside of his desk, successful losing what little dignity he had left as soon as he heard Akashi's voice.

 

"Oh!!! Hi Akashi-kun!!!"

 

Akashi crawled up next to Reo and casually rested his head on Reo's bare shoulder as he waved at the web cam.

 

"Hullo Imayoshi-san, hullo Takao's legs, hullo Furihata-kun, hullo Hanamiya-san"

 

Hanamiya bit back a scream and resisted the urge to reach through his laptop to strangle Reo and Mayuzumi.

 

"MAYONNAISE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CAN YOU JUST LIE AND SAY YOU WANNA DATE ME BECAUSE YOUR HOE ASS BOYFRIEND IS OBVIOUSLY BETTER THAN ME AND I JUST ADDED HIM INTO THIS MOTHERFUCKING CONVERSATION BECAUSE I WANTED TO RUB IN THE FACT THAT PEOPLE HAVE BOYFRIENDS AND THOSE PEOPLE AREN'T TAKAO DAMNIT FUCKKKKKKK EVERYTHING I'M OUT!"

 

Hanamiya gave his web cam a disappointed slash enraged look before snapping his laptop shut. 

 

Mayuzumi snickered and rubbed his cheek against the curve of Reo's neck.

 

"Joke's on him 'cause I was gonna pick him."

 

Reo looked down at his boyfriend with an amused twinkle in his eyes. Imayoshi looked slightly disgusted. Either the noodles he had had tasted super shitty or he had just realized that his boyfriend had been threatening to date another guy for the past hour or so.

 

"Really?" Reo asked his lover.

 

_"Really?"_ Imayoshi wrinkled his nose.

 

"Really really." Takao's legs said, feeling left out because no one really appreciated talking to a set of legs, regardless of how nice and long and toned they were.

 

"Shut up," Mayuzumi said half heatedly because how serious could you actually sound while snapping at a pair of legs? "And no pffft why the fuck would I break up with Reo to date Hanamiya of all people?"

 

"Mhmmmm buddy how bout ya watch your mouth mhmmmmm now there's a suggestion."

 

Reo grabbed his heart, or his boob it was hard to tell, and grinned.

 

"Oh Chi-chan, I love you so much!"

 

Mayuzumi's poker face melted away to reveal his slightly happy face as he looked at Reo. Furihata _'awwwed'_ under his breath, feeling warm but slightly bothered by how cute the couple was.

 

"Can you two please go and head back to Reo's room? I have some work to do and I don't particularly enjoy replying to my emails while listening to you two... _'mate'_."

 

("WE'RE NOT GONNA _'MATE'_ AHHH SEI-CHAN DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!"

 

"Yeah, we were just gonna watch some Kardashians and shit in my room...not because i want to but because Reo makes me by the way."

 

"Oh please weren't you the one texting me last week about one of their breakups?"

 

"Okay but no one thought they were gonna last I fucking called it.")

 

Takao's legs honked and Imayoshi snorted as Reo giggled and gave Akashi a sloppy kiss on the cheek before scurrying away.

 

"B-bye loves! It was great talking to Sei-chan's new friends! You're all such a lovely bunch!"

 

Mayuzumi grunted and followed Reo out of the room.

 

"Yeah what he said..."

 

Takao's toes twitched.

 

"My Shin-chan senses are tingling." He said and Akashi restrained a chuckle. 

 

"Midorima senses huh?"

 

"Yup! I need to go! And remember we're all trolling Izuki this week okay? We're gonna make him think that we never received all his drunk messages okay! It'll drive him nuts hahahaha I'm the fucking worse!" 

 

Imayoshi nodded and moved forward to grab his mouse and moved it so his cursor was positioned over the end call button. 

 

"As much as I love talking to ya guys but my demi spooder princess is probably sulking so I gotta go take care of him alright?"

 

Akashi did an adorkable salute and Furihata couldn't help but grin at how cute and lame the red headed boy looked.

 

Imayoshi waved before ending the call and it took Takao a while but his foot managed to end the call eventually, leaving the call with a cheerful farewell.

 

Akashi looked at Furihata.

 

Furihata looked at Akashi.

 

"Furihata-kun...it's not my business to ask but...you didn't seem to be ver...active in this call. Is something the matter?"

 

Akashi's eyes were so kind and warm and open, so different from the terrifying beady slits that had stared him down during their last match yet Furihata still hesitated, reluctant to share his problems with a near stranger.

 

"It's alright if you don't want to share, but I want to reassure you that I will keep all your secrets and try to give you my best advice."

 

Furihata let out a long sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, looking and feeling exhausted but secretly really happy that someone had noticed that he wasn't feeling his best lately.

 

"Well, I g-guess it all started when my brother got a girlfriend and I started noticing how there were so many couples around me..."

 

_Friday June 3rd_

_6:23am_

 

PunPrince: WHAT TJE FUCK

 

PunPrince: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKK WHY IS EVERYONE JUST IGNRONING M DRUNK RANMBLINGS DID ANYONE SEE IT OR AM I HIGH??? ALSO WHYYYYY IS REO IN THIS CHAT AND HOW TF DID I NOT GET TO TALK TO HIM I LOVE ME SOME REO I WANNA TALK TO A GODDESS AHHHH  


 

TheShadyKing: lolllll dont do the drugs or youll get ugly

 

TheShadyKing: also reo was v nice and hot u missed out so much :)

 

TheShadyKing: also also pls dont use caps lock so early i cant read that loud

 

PunPrince: what the actual frickie dizzle is wrong with u

 

TheShadyKing: dont be mean to me its a v special day for me today!

 

PunPrince: the day u finally leave this god daamn group chat?

 

TheShadyKing: :((((((((( no its my bday ya idiot

 

PunPrince: oh

 

PunPrince: happy bday yoooo!!!

 

PunPrince: have any special plans 4 today?

 

TheShadyKing: nah not rlly 

 

TheShadyKing: makotos gonna come over and we'll play some video games and ill eat the mess of a cake he made me and if im lucky we're gonna get frisky ;)

 

TheShadyKing: and he'll be wearing cute underwear <3

 

TheShadyKing: but that wont matter cuz ill be tearing it off him tonight ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

SockSenpai: thats disgusting

 

TheShadyKing: kasa! u made an appearance!!! where u been dude? did u come back for my bday cuz u love me?

 

SockSenpai: oh its your birthday? oh man sorry i forgot

 

SockSenpai: happy birthday

 

TheShadyKing: i feel honoured to be blessed by mommy yukio

 

SockSenpai: wha the fuck i skipped studying to check this chat and i come back to this nonsense im leaving

 

PunPrince: kasa i hope u pass ur exams and shit!!! 

 

PunPrince: HEYEYEYEYE

 

PunPrince: what do u call hanamemes fave type of exam

 

PunPrince:  A SEXAM AHAHAHA cuz hes a hoe

 

BlackWidHoe: =_= its shois bday i cant get pissed

 

BlackWidHoe: lol also what kinda nerd has a fave kind of exam???

 

TheShadyKing: i do

 

BlackWidHoe: im s-so sorry senpai ahhhh pls punish me!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: JK thats disgusting

 

SockSenpai: no death threats??? im impressed

 

BlackWidHoe; lol thx man its shois bday so imma be a good child and then ruin his life tomorrow :D

 

PunPrince: so whatre u getting ur awful devil of a boyfriend?

 

BlackWidHoe: what do u think?

 

PunPrince:  A SPOODER?

 

BlackWidHoe: lmao close

 

BlackWidHoe: im getting him

 

BlackWidHoe: s e xxxxx

 

PunPrince: HOW THE FUK IS THAT CLOSE WHAT THE HICK IS WRONG WITH U

 

SockSenpai: _'hick'_

 

BlackWidHoe: izuki stop being weird and fuckin southern 

 

PunPrince: cant stop wont stop B)

 

BlackWidHoe: i need to go get ready for tonight pray for me ughhh

 

TheShadyKing: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

BlackWidHoe: heck offffff

 

_3:36 pm_

 

SockSenpai: so izuki?

 

PunPrince: yeah...?

 

SockSenpai: _'PunPrince: kasa cuz he poreteds tpo hate everything but hes jujst using a grumpy exteriour to hide his true love for us all aahahahhaa hes like junpiei and i love junpei so by that logic i loooooooooooooooooooooooooove kasa yyyaahhahahah'_

 

PunPrince: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I KNEW I WASNT HUGH I ACTUALLY WROTE ALL OF DAT IM GONNA GO DIE BRB

 

SockSenpai: should i have done that?

 

Taco: _*akashit voice*_ ABSOLUTEly

 

 

 

 


	5. seirin vs rakuzan ft. some serious shit but also memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PunPrince: (・ε・｀) oh akashi my sweet summer child
> 
> AkashiSeijuurou: I was born in the winter.
> 
> PunPrince: SO PRECIOUS I LOVE DIS BOIIIIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH SOME SERIOUS STUFF SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU GUYS WOULD TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY y'know hahaha but i rlly hope u guys enjoy it nonetheless
> 
> im v v grateful that we hit 1k reads (did i address this already? cant remember lol) i love each and every single one of u more than anything yall are gr8 tbh ur comments make me go from :/ to :DDDDDDD hahahah have fun reading this chapter guys and tell me if u appreciate the serious shit or if i should stick to my regular nonsense!

Kasamatsu sat hunched over his desk, flipping furiously through his textbook trying to find the page he needed for his essay, trying to ignore Moriyama's laughs in the background.  
  
"Y'know there's something called a table of contents for a reason, right Mikasa?"  
  
"I told you to stop fucking calling me that!"  
  
Moriyama stretched lazily, smirking at the ceiling as his exasperated friend turned to face him with a scowl.  
  
Kasamatsu's food stained sweatshirt that was slightly too big for him and lack of pants were a big indicator that the smaller male hadn't slept in days and the dark circles around his eyes and his sexy stubble were just adding to Kasamatsu's sleep deprived/hella scary yet incredibly attractive self.  
  
"Aw c'mon, if Shun can call you that than so can I!"  
  
Kasamatsu growled and launched his eraser at his friend, succeeding in making Moriyama giggle as the rubber bounced off his forehead.  
  
"Speaking of my lovely Shun, how's the group chat going? Is he online? I don't wanna seem like a creep, messaging him from my username again, we already talked this morning y'know. So if you could let me talk to him from your username that would be splendid-"  
  
"You know what else would be splendid? If you made yourself useful and got me some fucking food!"  
  
Moriyama feigned a look of hurt.  
  
"Mommy Yukio wounds me~"  
  
The taller male shrieked as Kasamatsu delivered a swift kick to his calf.  
  
"I said s-stop that!"  
  
"Ooh is Mikasa all flustered now? Hahaha...oh my god I'm kidding put that textbook down dude. Tell you what, I'll go get you some grub-"  
  
"Grub? The fuck?"  
  
Moriyama continued as if Kasamatsu had said nothing.  
  
"If you let me check if Shun is online and put in a good word or two for me!"  
  
Kasamatsu gave him a dry unimpressed look but pushed away from his desk so Moriyama could scoot in next to him and peer at his laptop.  
  
"Fine. But don't be weird or anything like that. You're still signed in on my account and I don't need Izuki thinking I'm in love with him and shit."  
  
"We mustn't get Kise jealous now hmmm?"  
  
"This _'grub'_ you're getting me better be fucking delicious or I'm gonna shove it up your worthless ass."  
  
Moriyama ignored him again and jumped up and down excitedly, looking like a kid on Christmas, or like a pervy boob loving teenage boy that had just been gifted a magazine full of hot fresh titty.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Look! He's online~"  
  
  
_Wednesday June 8th_  
  
_9:00 am_

  
  
PunPrince: why are we all so dead lately  
  
PunPrince: i wanna show y'all the thing i drew for kiyoshis bday!!!!  
  
PunPrince: guysssssss  
  
PunPrince: where them quality memes @  
  
PunPrince: why everyone leaving me(me)  
  
SockSenpai: did you seriously just use the at symbol instead of typing a two letter word?  
  
SockSenpai: thats a whole different level of lazy  
  
PunPrince: JEEZ MIKASA DONT WORD SHAME ME  
  
SockSenpai: anyways  
  
SockSenpai: im here and i would like to see your drawing  
  
PunPrince: AW SHIT I FORGOT IT AT HOME ILL SHOW U LATER I PROMISE  
  
SockSenpai: -_- of course  
  
SockSenpai: moris here too btw  
  
SockSenpai: hes drooling over my shoulder because he saw u were online what a weirdo  
  
PunPrince: OOOOOOH  
  
PunPrince: hOoOOOOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoO  
  
PunPrince: OOHOHOHOHOHOHO  
  
SockSenpai: what the fuck are you okay  
  
PunPrince: tell Yoshi I say heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy  
  
SockSenpai: he says "sup babe" how lame is he  
  
PunPrince: B) tell him im wearing a big sexy oversized shirt and panties ;)  
  
SockSenpai: _*sighs*_  
  
SockSenpai: he says that youd look absolutely beautiful in anything and you probably look like a goddess in those clothes  
  
PunPrince: HOYOIOOOLOISYAYAIAOAOOAOAOAOAOAOA  
  
BlackWidHoe: the fuck is that ur mating call?  
  
BlackWidHoe: i dunno if that would attract the boys or fuckin repel them  
  
PunPrince: ITS THE SOUND OF HAPPOOPOPPOPPPPPYYY  
  
BlackWidHoe: also  
  
BlackWidHoe: what the fuck dont lie u just updated ur snapchat story ur wearing a damn onesie u lying hoe  
  
PunPrince: ...IM SORRY I LIED YOSHI IM NOT WEARING ANYTHING SEXY but i could if u wanted me to ;)  
  
SockSenpai: yall are ridiculously disgusting  
  
SockSenpai: i kicked Mori out so you can stop pretending to be erotic  
  
PunPrince: OH THANK BAJEEBUS  
  
PunPrince: being smexy is hard yknow  
  
BlackWidHoe: like u would know :)  
  
PunPrince: FIGHT ME  
  
PunPrince: FIGHT ME U PIECE OF FUCKSHIT  
  
SockSenpai: jfc  
  
SockSenpai: youre more riled up than usual whats wrong?  
  
PunPrince: nothing im just HYPED as HECK  
  
PunPrince: guess what!!!  
  
BlackWidHoe: no  
  
PunPrince: you guessed it!  
  
PunPrince: Seirins about to FUCKING BEAT A TEAM DOWN  
  
PunPrince: wanna guess what team?  
  
BlackWidHoe: no  
  
PunPrince: U GUESSED IT AGAIN!!!  
  
PunPrince: we're gonna KILL rakuzan  
  
FuriKou: senpaiiiiiii get off skype coach rikos looking for u!  
  
PunPrince: FUCK HER  
  
PunPrince: WERE GONNA ASSASSINATE RAKUZAN  
  
FuriKou: Senpai  
  
PunPrince: MURDER THEM  
  
FuriKou: Senpai pls  
  
PunPrince: HOMOCIDE  
  
FuriKou: Senpai stawp  
  
BlackWidHoe: i look forward to hearing about how seirin gets their flat asses crushed  
  
PunPrince: I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING MY PRECIOUS NEW SON AKASHI IRL  
  
PunPrince: I CANT WAIT TO HUG HIM  
  
PunPrince: and then crush him :D  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: You sound like Murasakibara.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Also, Seirin might've won during the winter cup but Rakuzan won't lose this time!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: We're leaving our hotel right now and we have our secret weapon with us anyways!  
  
PunPrince: lmao because ur last secret weapon worked so well  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: :) you're going down Shun.  
  
PunPrince: sure Jan  
  
PunPrince: anyways i can't wait to see this so called _'secret weapon'_ lol

  
  
_9:34 am_

  
  
PunPrince: oh sHit fuck ur secret weapon is mayonnaise isnt it  
  
PunPrince: WHATS HE DOING HERE  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Would you believe me if I told you that he wanted to be here?  
  
PunPrince: nahhhhhh  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Smart boy, he's here because Reo made him. Something about not forgetting his high school friends...I think he's just here because he likes seeing Reo in the Rakuzan uniform.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Not that I can blame him of course.  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuckin reo...hate that ho so much...damnit i just wanna kill him  
  
BlackWidHoe: also akashit can u ask reo if we're still on for our uncrowned king sleepover shit thing that's happening this Saturday at kiyoshis?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: ...  
  
BlackWidHoe: what??? its a fucking tradition its not like i wanna go or anything...fuck outta here with that bullshit///  
  
PunPrince: UM??? DID U SAY SATURDAY???  
  
PunPrince: NO CAN DO SWEETIE SATURDAY IS KIYOSHIS SURPRISE BDAY PARTY U CANT HAVE UR LAME SLEEPOVER THEN BECAUSE ILL BE CONFESSING TO HIM THAT DAY!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Really? That's very romantic, Shun.  
  
PunPrince: thank  
  
SockSenpai: i have an idea, how about you  
  
SockSenpai: I dunno  
  
SockSenpai: combine the sleepover and the party?  
  
SockSenpai: arent the uncrowned kings like friends with Kiyoshi?  
  
BlackWidHoe: EW no he has cooties  
  
SockSenpai: _*ignores Hanamiya softly*_  
  
SockSenpai: wouldnt it make sense to invite them to kiyoshis birthday?  
  
PunPrince: MIKASA THATS AN EXCELLENT IDEA  
  
PunPrince: but i need to go meet some new bois so ill plan these new invitations later~  
  
PunPrince: oh my god theyre here!  
  
PunPrince: o shit its so creepy look! this motherfucker looks just like mura and reo one sex :D  
  
SockSenpai: *one sec  
  
PunPrince: mhmmm whatever floats your goat Kasa  
  
_*PunPrince sent a photo*_  
  
PunPrince: WHO DOES DIS SEXY BEAST THINK HE IS???  
  
PunPrince: AW SHIT MY FLASH WAS ON OS HIT  
  
BlackWidHoe: PFFFFT  
  
BlackWidHoe: HE LOOKS SO BOTHERED LMAO another hot guy that hates izuki dis is a good ass day  
  
FuriKou: Taidou-kun is rlly attractive isnt he?  
  
PunPrince: hells yah but i just destroyed my chances with him lol  
  
PunPrince: furi i, as ur mother, can help u hook up with dis hottie if u want  
  
FuriKou: Senpai for the last time we arent related gosh darnit.  
  
FuriKou: and i dont like taidou-kun hah hes not my type but i do gotta say he looks so much like reo but with no makeup  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Shun, I don't think he looks like Reo in that photo...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Oh.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Is it the boy sitting beside Furihata-kun?  
  
PunPrince: YAS  
  
SockSenpai: oh god don't.  
  
PunPrince: *Yes.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Oh my gosh, it does look like Murasakibara and Reo had a child and that child is sitting right next to Furihata-kun...  
  
BlackWidHoe: REO CHEATED ON MAYU LOL IMMA TEXT MAYONNAISE RN HAHAHAHA  
  
FuriKou: Wait, Reo had a baby with Mura???  
  
FuriKou: omg did he rlly cheat on Mayu?  
  
FuriKou: why would he do that they looked so in love!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: *She.  
  
FuriKou: Uh  
  
FuriKou: what?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: You used the wrong pronouns for Reo and I corrected you. If you checked Reo's snapchat she posts her daily pro nouns on her story I think...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Yeah she posts them on her story.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo's genderfluid, I won't try to explain it in detail (I'll leave it to her if you guys are curious) but it means that sometimes Reo feels masculine, sometimes feminine and sometimes in between and sometimes neither, and today she just felt feminine.  
  
FuriKou: oh...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Do you have a problem with that?  
  
FuriKou: no no!!! I was just thinking thats rlly cool!!! I think reos v pretty as whatever she presents as!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I agree, she's beautiful always.  
  
BlackWidHoe: u ass lickers didnt know that? to be fair Reo just told us in our last year so whatever  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I would appreciate if you all used correct pronouns for Reo from now on.  
  
PunPrince: OFC!!!  
  
SockSenpai: ill try my best!  
  
BlackWidHoe: duh  
  
BlackWidHoe: im an asshole but im not an _asshole_  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Of course you are...and uh aren't...anyways Reo is not gonna take this look alike lightly.  
  
SockSenpai: hmm?  
  
SockSenpai: what do u mean?  
  
BlackWidHoe: oh lmao i know  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo doesn't take look a likes seriously. She flipped out when this girl in her class put on fake eyelashes for a day because she was convinced the girl was pretending to be her. Let's just say we haven't seen the girl since...  
  
FuriKou: ...wow rlly?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: No I just said that to sound cool. Did I succeed?  
  
PunPrince: YAS  
  
SockSenpai: -_-  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: :)  
  
BlackWidHoe: =_=  
  
  
_9:56 am_

  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo has SPOTTED her lookalike. This is not going to end well.  
  
SockSenpai: lol this is more interesting than the match itself  
  
PunPrince: Reo looks p to i to the s to the s to the s to the e to the d  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
BlackWidHoe: why must u and Shoi be like this  
  
PunPrince: in the words of the devil shit himself  
  
PunPrince: ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯  
  
FuriKou: senpaiiiiiiiii coach Riko is thissssssss close to making u eat ur phone  
  
PunPrince: delicious  
  
PunPrince: i need my vitamins yo  
  
PunPrince: Imma get my vitamin D on Saturday tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
BlackWidHoe: disGUSTing  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: What is with you guys and eating phones?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Anyways, Reo is border line throwing a tantrum so I need to go, I'll update you all on the match soon!  
  
PunPrince: omg shes yelling at poor taidou lmaoooooo Imma get the popcorn this shit is lit  
  
FuriKou: oh poor taidou-kun...reos making him sit in the locker room because she refuses to play with taidou-kun watching ahhh im a bad person for laughing///  
  
PunPrince: he looks so confused i love dis boy  
  
FuriKou: Senpai rikos literally storming towards u pls get off ur phone  
  
PunPrince: lmaooooo furi u crack me up u lil liar  
  
PunPrince: fuCK ME IN THE TIDDY HOLE SHES ACTUALLY COMING  
  
BlackWidHoe: thats what she said  
  
PunPrince: GOTTA BLAST  
  
BlackWidHoe: rip in pieces izuki lol

  
  
_3:34 pm_

  
  
Taco: SHUN BABEEEEEEEE HOWD THE MATCH GO  
  
FuriKou: takao-kun im literally here too  
  
Taco: I KNOW BUT SHUNS BEEN PISSED AT ME FOR MAKING EVERYONE PRETEND HE NEVER HAD A DRUNK OUTBURST SO HES NOT TALKING TO ME  
  
BlackWidHoe: lol what drunk outburst?  
  
Taco: LET IT GO HANAMEME DAMNIT  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I'm sorry guys but I don't think Izuki will be online for a while.  
  
Taco: akashit...whatre u talking about?  
  
Taco: IS HE OKAY???  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Yes, he's fine...but...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: The thing is...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I really don't know how to phrase this lightly...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: But...  
  
Taco: SPIT IT OUT AKASHIT WTF  
  
FuriKou: HYUUGA SENPAI IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND KIYOSHI AND IZUKI SENPAI WENT WITH HIM  
  
Taco: WHAT?  
  
Taco: THEY WENT WITH HIM?  
  
BlackWidHoe: the fuck? four eyes got himself hurt during the match?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: No...it's...kind of complicated...  
  
Taco: COMPLICATED?  
  
SockSenpai: TAKAO CHILL STOP REPEATING THEIR LAST WORDS AND LET AKASHI AND FURI EXPLAIN  
  
FuriKou: Akashi-kun its not that complicated actually...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I mean, you're right. Seirin's captain wasn't hurt during the match, he got injured after the match by another player.  
  
SockSenpai: holy shit who?  
  
FuriKou: mayuzumi san...  
  
BlackWidHoe: ??? why tf would mayonnaise wanna hurt four eyes?  
  
FuriKou: i actually dont know the whole story...  
  
FuriKou: akashi kun do u?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Yes I do, I'll tell them don't worry Furihata-kun.  
  
BlackWidHoe: the homoerotic subtexts in this convo are really fuckin killing me  
  
Taco: lol true  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: So Rakuzan won the match, of course, and Seirin's captain didn't take that well...  
  
FuriKou _: "so rakuzan won the match, of course"_ uhhhhhhhh excuse me uhhhhh alright then  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: And he and Reo met in the middle of the court to shake hands because...you all know how captains are supposed to shake hands after the match right?  
  
Taco: holD UP HOE  
  
Taco: i thought u were captain  
  
SockSenpai: yeah last time i checked you were captain Akashi...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Did I forget to tell you all? I stepped down from my position of captain after the winter cup and let Reo become captain because she deserved the position more than I did. We were all pretty happy with the decision.  
  
SockSenpai: oh wow...Akashi...dude that was a really fucking selfless decision  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Thank you, I think.  
  
SockSenpai: yeah yeah it was a compliment, i had my doubts but you sound like a really good guy, honest  
  
Taco: _*cries because i want a compliment that good from Mikasa as well*_  
  
SockSenpai: takao shut up and let Akashi finish  
  
Taco: also that was a v good idea im proud of u akashit!!! maybe i can pull an izuki and make u my son?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Thank you Takao, and I'd rather not have a Mexican delicacy as a parent.  
  
Taco: lol ur funny akashit, so anyways what happened with reo and seirins cap?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Well, Seirin's captain congratulated Reo for our teams win but his voice was strange...very tight and cold.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo didn't pick up on it, she just kept smiling and squeezing his hand, she looked so happy she even invited him and the rest of his team to our teams celebration tonight.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: But he declined... he said...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: "I don't hang out with fucking..."  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I can't say it...I just can't...I'm so sorry...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: He called Reo something really bad and it hurts me to even think about it, let alone repeat it...  
  
Taco: Was it...a slur or something?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Yes it was...it was a disgusting word and Reo looked on the verge of tears and she looked so embarrassed and humiliated, I wanted to help her so badly and I stood up to give Seirin's captain a piece of my mind, but Mayuzumi beat me to it.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: He pushed Reo behind him gently and then he...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: He knocked Seirin's captain out cold by decking him in the jaw.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: _"Don't fucking call him that you **** faced piece of ****"_  
  
BlackWidHoe: holy fuckin shit  
  
BlackWidHoe: also did u seriously just censor those two words but not _"fucking"_?  
  
BlackWidHoe: to each their own i guess  
  
FuriKou: it was kinda an intense moment and we were all like frozen until Senpai was taken to the hospital before it all went legit crazy  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: That's an understatement, did you see Nebuya and Hayama jumping on Mayuzumi and congratulating him on protecting _'his girl'_? I've never seen them so friendly towards Mayuzumi.  
  
FuriKou: i did!!! it was so cute how flustered Mayu was! And how he immediately went over and made sure reo was okay...it just AHHHH TOO CUTE  <3  
  
SockSenpai: woah thats pretty serious...i never knew seirins captain was like that  
  
FuriKou: me neither! I mean Senpai was always rlly brash and loud and always spoke his mind but was never this _//rude//_  
  
BlackWidHoe: what a fuckin asshole i cant believe izukis in love with someone so horrible  
  
Taco: speaking of my babe how is he?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Well he tried to break up the fight and succeeded in dragging Seirin's captain away from Mayuzumi before anymore damage could be done and held him while Seirin's centre called an ambulance.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: No one's heard from them since they left for the hospital.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Judging from how hard Mayuzumi punched Seirin's captain I'm guessing he has a fractured jaw at least but I'm not sure.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Reo's too frazzled to celebrate our win so we're taking her out to get some ice cream and we'll hang out at the mall for a bit instead.  
  
Taco: thats good thats good...  
  
Taco: oh god I wonder how izukis taking this? He rlly loves hyuuga you guys...oh man he must be so torn rn, i wish i could talk to him but  hes not online...  
  
Taco: fuck im gonna go message koga and see whats up  
  
Taco: bye for now guys  
  
FuriKou: bye takao-kun!  
  
FuriKou: my shift is starting soon, oh man i need to go  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: shift?  
  
FuriKou: i work at the bookstore in the mall hah...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: That's interesting, I'll have to check it out if I'm ever around.  
  
FuriKou: hahahahahahahplsdonthahahahaha  
  
FuriKou: ANYWAYS!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Uh, alright.  
  
FuriKou: bye guys! It was great playing against you Akashi-kun...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: It was a pleasure facing a team as strong as yours.  
  
BlackWidHoe: damn the gay undertones are real  
  
BlackWidHoe: imma go tell Shoi what happened if thats ok akashit?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Of course it is, I mean he's probably already heard about it because I told Kise and well...he has a habit of spreading information quickly.  
  
BlackWidHoe: cool  
  
BlackWidHoe: JOKES ON U CUZ I WAS GONNA FUCKIN TELL HIM ANYWAYS HAHAHAHAHA fuck you  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: ...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I need to go get ready so bye Kasamatsu-san, if you're still there.  
  
SockSenpai: bye Akashi, tell Mibuchi that I'm glad he's not letting Hyuugas words affect him too much!  
  
SockSenpai: ...  
  
SockSenpai: *she *her shit sorry  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: It's alright, don't worry, and I will.

  
  
_5:04 pm_

  
  
PunPrince: kasa, u there?  
  
SockSenpai: yeah  
  
SockSenpai: why are you messaging me outside of the group chat?  
  
PunPrince: u were the only one online and i wanted to talk about something...private  
  
SockSenpai: alright shoot  
  
SockSenpai: does this have anything do with hyuuga being in the hospital?  
  
PunPrince: yeah...im not even gonna ask how u know i swear everyones been blowing up my phone asking me how im doing  
  
PunPrince: can we call?  
  
SockSenpai: sure, lemme get my headphones one sec

  
  
_Call started..._  
  
_Call ended, duration 13:25_

  
  
PunPrince: shit im sorry i cant stop cry ing  
  
SockSenpai: no no oh gosh its fine, sometimes you just gotta cry it out yknow  
  
SockSenpai: so lemme get this straight  
  
SockSenpai: youre pissed because the first thing hyuuga asked for when he woke up was Riko?  
  
PunPrince: yeah...its so fuckin dummb me and Kiyoshi waited so so long in the waiting room and we were waiting for him to wake up and Riko wasnt even there and im just  
  
PunPrince: im so fuckin sTupid what kinda bitch am i to think that i can be in love with three guys and have a happy ending with them all?  
  
PunPrince: ive known all along that hyuuga hates people that are different  
  
PunPrince: that are like reo and me...  
  
PunPrince: ive just kept myself in denial and now i cant stop cryign  
  
PunPrince: hes ruined everyrhing and the thought of giving kiyoshi his bday present tomiorrow just makes me fuckiinncry harde r  
  
PunPrince: kiyoshis probably gonna reject me too oh godh  
  
SockSenpai: izuki look, you cant just tear yourself down because of one assholes words  
  
SockSenpai: it may be a little different to love three guys and i cant speak on behalf of hyuuga but i know that Mori and Kiyoshi love you so much  
  
SockSenpai: kiyoshi looks at you like youre his everything, there is no way hes gonna turn you down, especially if you confess to him on his bday  
  
SockSenpai: Mori talks about you constantly and him and Kobori and even got into an argument over which one of them had a prettier crush it was kinda funny ngl but Mori was full on shouting about how goddamn beautiful you are  
  
SockSenpai: he got all sad when i kicked him out so i could call you and I bet hes on the other side of my door, listening and hoping to hear your voice because he likes you so goddamn much  
  
PunPrince: Kasa  
  
PunPrince: thanky ouu  
  
PunPrince: oh my gosh i just  
  
PunPrince: im crying again but happy tears yknow  
  
PunPrince: fuck hyuuga  
  
PunPrince: i dont need him  
  
SockSenpai: THATS THE DAMN SPIRIT  
  
PunPrince: unless he fuckin apologizes im not gonna give his flat ass a second chance  
  
SockSenpai: fuck yeah!  
  
PunPrince: can we call again? and uh maybe bring Mori in too?  
  
SockSenpai: of course shun  
  
PunPrince: seriously yukio...thank you so much...  
  
SockSenpai: no problem, its what friends are for right?  
  
PunPrince: yeah! if u ever have a problem, hit me up ok?  
  
SockSenpai: well my biggest problem is this asshole banging on my door but i think i can handle that myself lol

  
  
_Call started_  
  
_Call ended, duration 2:09:18_

  
  
7:32 pm  
  
FuriKou: SOS  
  
FuriKou: SOMEONE HALP  
  
FuriKou: I AM IN DANGER  
  
FuriKou: FUCKKKKKK THIS IS LIKE A CODE RED SOMEONE PLS  
  
SockSenpai: whats up furi?  
  
FuriKou: YOU WOULD MOT BELOEBE WHAT JUSY HAPPENED  
  
SockSenpai: nah i dont think id 'beloebe' what happened either so why not just tell me and spare me the pain of guessing  
  
FuriKou: AKAHSJI IS EHRE  
  
FuriKou: WHY IS HE EHREEE  
  
SockSenpai: what the fuck why are you so scared akashi, you guys sound so chill online  
  
FuriKou: BUT THATS TE INTERNENT  
  
FuriKou: IM RLLY COOL ON THE INTERENT  
  
SockSenpai: of course you are  
  
FuriKou: BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE  
  
FuriKou: I CANR JUST LEAVE THE CHAT IN REAL KIFE I SAY SOMETHING AWKWARD  
  
FuriKou: THATS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS  
  
SockSenpai: whenever i say something awkward i just kick the person im talking to and run away, hoping that they forget what i said  
  
FuriKou: ??? Kasamatsu-san what the hell  
  
SockSenpai: it,,,it was a joke  
  
FuriKou: uh of course it was...  
  
FuriKou: NAYWYAS  
  
FuriKou: HE KEEOS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I RAN INTO TJE STORAGE ROOM I CAN HESR RAKUZAN LAUGHIN AT ME HELP  
  
SockSenpai: furi  
  
SockSenpai: you do know that Akashi is in this group chat right?  
  
FuriKou: ...  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Furihata-kun I'm truly sorry that Mayuzumi jump scared you, please come out of the storage room so I can properly apologize to you.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: ...I just heard a loud sound from inside the storage room, I think he passed out.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I'll go get his manager.  
  
PunPrince: damnit furi we talked about this shit  
  
PunPrince: passing out in the middle of a conversation is RUDE  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Glad to see you're feeling better Izuki!  
  
PunPrince: thx akashit  <3  
  
SockSenpai: -_- izuki you are a terrible 'mother' no offence.  
  
SockSenpai: i treat my kids much better than you do  
  
SockSenpai: ...  
  
SockSenpai: wAIT  
  
PunPrince: HAHAHAHAHAHAH U SAID KIDS!!!!  
  
PunPrince: MOMMY YUKIO CONFIRMED  
  
SockSenpai: FUCK YOU I MEANT TEAM MATES  
  
PunPrince: SURE JAN  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I still don't know who Jan is.  
  
PunPrince: (・ε・｀) oh akashi my sweet summer child  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I was born in the winter.  
  
PunPrince: SO PRECIOUS I LOVE DIS BOIIIIII  
  
PunPrince: CAN I ADOPT U?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Thanks. But I'd rather have Kasamatsu adopt me if I'm being honest.  
  
PunPrince: (⊙ᗜ⊙) what u say  
  
SockSenpai: oh fuck you know what thanks Akashi! I'm gonna be the best damn mom anyone's ever seen just you wait!  
  
PunPrince: hey _'mom'_ i think Furi's still in the storage room what u gonna do about that?  
  
SockSenpai: oh FUCK I give up on this mom shit


	6. for he's a jolly good fellow!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to you
> 
> You're a hundred and two
> 
> You look like a monkey!
> 
> And you smell like one too!
> 
> _Hanamiya's birthday card to Kiyoshi probably

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh guys im sorry this update is kinda late but my life has been pretty busy lately but this chapter is finally done and im proud of it! i hope u guys like it as well!

Izuki desperately tried to shake the last few chips at the bottom of the bag out and into the cheap brightly colored plastic bowl sitting in front of him.

 _"Get. Out."_ He snapped at the chips through gritted teeth. "Get the fuck out or I'll fucking eat you myself."

Koganei paused in his drink pouring and laughed at his frustrated friend.

"Same." He said to the chips and Izuki seemed to give up, shoving his hand in the bag and chomping down on the chips himself and tossing the empty bag at Hyuuga who was sitting on the chair next to him, ice pack pressed to his jaw.

"What the hell Izuki why'd you throw your shit at me?"

"Because you're fucking trash dude."

Koganei shouted _"ROASTED!"_ And Hyuuga grumbled, averting his gaze from Izuki's fiery one, trying not to remember how he had gotten his jaw hurt in the first place.

"I said I was sorry-"

"Save your fucking apology for Reo tonight. AND MAYU!"

"WHY HIM? HE WAS THE ONE THAT PUNCHED HIM-"

"YOU PROVOKED HIM BY INSULTING HIS GIRLFRIEND!"

Koganei held up his hands, looking worried as his gaze darted from the defensive looking Hyuuga to the pissed off looking Izuki.

"Jeez guys, can you stop yelling? You sound like an old married couple that keeps cutting each other off."

"WE DO NOT!" They shouted at the same time and then looked away from each other, obviously embarrassed.

Koganei sighed and tugged Izuki towards him, handing his friend a clip board.

"Why don't you chill and double check the list?"

Izuki forced a cool smile and took the clipboard, grey eyes scanning the paper in front of him.

"So Koga, what time did your Mitobae say he was gonna come back?"

Koganei giggled.

"Tsucchi and Rin-chan said they were gonna distract Kiyoshi until...3? Yeah, so that gives us plenty of time to work!"

"Yeah that's the spirit! Alright so I need y'all to remember, those cupcakes without frosting are the vegan ones 'cause according to Akashit Reo's trying out some new weird ass diet so make sure Reo gets those-"

"Cupcakes without frosting?" Hyuuga scoffed. "Aren't those just muffins? Hey, did you guys see that meme on Facebook where it was like _'Muffins are just-'_ "

"Ugly cupcakes." Izuki sighed. "Yeah Junpei I saw that like a million years ago, step up your meme game."

Hyuuga frowned but was secretly relieved that Izuki wasn't yelling at him anymore.

Koganei pointed to some scribbles on the corner of Izuki's page.

"What that?"

Izuki squinted to make out his own hand writing.

"I think that says...oh yeah! Kagami made some American dishes, I think this one is called...cherry almond pie? Yeah some shit like that. Anyways! Make sure Takao doesn't eat that! He's allergic to nuts."

"Not Midorima's nuts though." Koganei mumbled and Izuki smirked and high fived his friend.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Hyuuga rolled his eyes.

"So Itzuki~" Koganei purred. "Did you invite your new point guard squad?"

"Hells yeah I did! I told them they could each bring a plus on but they hate me so no ones listening to me."

"Hmmm? Do tell~"

"I needed to invite my babe Takao of course, and his plus one is his future husband..."

Izuki paused for a dramatic effect. Hyuuga wasn't having it.

"Let me guess, is his _'future husband'_ Midorima?"

"No you idiot, his future husband is fucking Naruto Uzumaki, OF COURSE IT'S MIDORIMA!"

Koganei pet Izuki's head gently trying to calm him down as Hyuuga restrained a smirk.

"So, who else from the PG squad is coming?"

"Well Furi's already invited 'cause he has to be-no I'm kidding hahah I love Furi."

Furihata paused in his cupcake frosting and weakly glared at Izuki before blushing profusely as Koganei mimicked his weak glare back at him.

"Hanameme said he was bringing that guy from his team...I can't remember his name, he's the most sexy one on the team...shit what's his face?"

Hyuuga wrinkled his nose and Izuki braced himself some sort of scummy homophobic comment but all he got was;

"Everyone on that team is ugly as shit though."

Izuki protested loudly and Koganei laughed.

"Anyways, Hanamiya's bringing a sexy boy, Imayoshit's bringing Sakurai and I think Kuroko invited the generation of fuck boys-"

"Yes you're exactly right Senpai, that's exactly who they are."

"Thanks K-bag!"

"Don't call me that."

"Whatever you say K-bag! Where was I? Oh yeah, so Akashit's bringing Reo but MayuMayu follows Reo everywhere so he's coming too."

Hyuuga blanched.

"Kasa MY MAN is bringing my other man, Mori, so you know this shit is gonna be lit as fuck."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard you say in your entire life." Hyuuga complained and gestured for Izuki to sit on the bench next to him.

His friend looked confused but plopped down without a word.

"I t-thought you had a crush on..."

Hyuuga seemed to have a hard time getting his words out.

"I thought you liked Teppei." He finally said and Izuki smiled at the megane, eyes soft as he looked into Hyuuga's, remembering the chat they had had the day before...

"I do..." He said softly and stared at his shoes. "And I like Mori too y'know..."

"Huh..."

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"No no! I was just thinking...Teppei would be b-better for you. Kaijo's shooting guard is too much of a player...I don't want you dating him."

"Alright, daaaaaaaad."

Kuroko ruined the moment by throwing a wad of streamers at Izuki's head.

"Does that mean Hyuuga-Senpai is Seirin's daddy?"

Hyuuga shrieked in a manly way of course and Izuki and Koganei cackled as their captain struggled to regain his composure.

"K-bag you ruined him."

"Senpai call me that one more time I dare y-"

"BAKAGAMI!" Riko screamed all of a sudden, startling Furihata into sinking his hand wrist deep into a cupcake with a moan of despair.

"YOU'RE FUCKING BURNING THE BEEF YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

Seirin's ace looked flustered as he hurriedly flipped the meat on the grill, looking as red as both his hair and the heart on his apron.

"S-sorry coach I zoned out..."

"No you didn't you useless homosexual! You were staring at Kuroko's ass!"

Kuroko tried not to look too pleased with that.

"I was multitasking." Kagami protested and ducked his head as Riko threw her whistle at him.

"I don't blame him," Izuki winked at Kuroko. "K-bag looks cute in his overalls."

Kuroko grabbed the sketchbook that was hanging out from Izuki's bag and held it above the garbage bin threateningly.

"Say goodbye to Kiyoshi-senpai's birthday gift I-bag Senpai..."

Izuki babbled his apologizes as he snatched the sketchbook back from the shadow.

"ANYTHING BUT MY BABY!" Izuki fake sobbed. "TAKE JUNPEI INSTEAD!"

Hyuuga rolled his eyes again (it seemed that his eyeballs were gonna get quite a workout today) and pointed to the book in Izuki's hand.

"Y-you wanna show us that? We're all curious as fuck about your present y'know."

Izuki just winked at him.

"If all goes well I'll show y'all the pages later."

Koganei raised an eyebrow at the ominous statement and moved to swipe the sketchbook from his friend but Izuki danced out of the way.

"OH LOOK AT THE TIME! It's meme o' clock! I need to check the group chat! Gimme one sec y'all!"

After scrolling through a bunch of messages of Hanamiya and Kasamatsu arguing whether or not a diamond choker was an appropriate anniversary gift or not (it wasn't according to Kasamatsu and Imayoshi but it was according to Akashi and Hanamiya) Izuki started tapping out his message.

 

PunPrince: guys can yall stop being weird and unrealistic for once and just start getting ready for the party pls

BlackWidHoe: ITS NOT UNREALISTIC TO WANT TO BE SHOWERED IN LOVE AND AFFECTION AND DIAMONDS ON MY ANNIVERSARY FUCK YOU

TheShadyKing: babe pls i won't buy you that diamond necklace but i can take u to McDonald's before the party?

SockSenpai: how romantic.

PunPrince: GUYS U CANT EAT BEFORE THE PARTY WE HAVE FOOD FOR YOU GUYSSS UNGRATEFUL ASSES

TheShadyKing: don't be rude i am literally the most grateful ass there is

BlackWidHoe: hes not wrong

BlackWidHoe: TBH 75% of the reason im coming to the party is for the food lol

SockSenpai: what about the other 25%?

BlackWidHoe: i wanna make Kiyoshi cry on his bday hahahaha

PunPrince: u despicable creature

BlackWidHoe: Das me(✿╹◡╹)

PunPrince: omg did u guys see Kasa and his calculations?

PunPrince: mhmmmm boi

PunPrince: when kasas not only hot but smart too (≧Д≦)

SockSenpai: those cute emoticons remind me of Kise's texting style...

SockSenpai: aaAnND SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH IZUKI for the last time im not interested in dating you or takao damnit

TheShadyKing: what bout me? :-)

SockSenpai: ew especially not you.

TheShadyKing: :-(

SockSenpai: i don't want to date anyone from this chat no offence...actually you guys are horrible take offence.

PunPrince: kise isnt part of this chat tho

SockSenpai: what the hell dont be stupid shun i don't wanna date Kise or anything!!! fuckin moron

PunPrince: WHATEVER we shall focus on Kise and kasas UST later~

SockSenpai: the fuck does ust mean?

Taco: unicorn sexy time

SockSenpai: um okay, I need to GO and get ready

Taco: u do that~

PunPrince: BABE oh how I missed u!!!

Taco: i missed me too B)

Taco: jk I missed u a lot my shun, can't wait to see u soon! Shin-chan and I are just about to leave and my husbando looks dapper as FUCK just saying

PunPrince: i bet i look dappererererer

Taco: tbh u probably do

TheShadyKing: me and Makoto have a lot of unicorn sexy time it seems :-)

BlackWidHoe: thats the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life go and delete yourself from the world

Taco: someones emo today

Taco: did u wake up and get a call from 2015

Taco: did they want their thick brows back :)

BlackWidHoe: hoe u just jealous that my brows be thicker than your non existent mans dick :)))))))))

Taco: THATS IT MEET ME IN FRONT OF SEIRINS GYM FOR A BEAT DOWN ILL KICK UR ASS LEAVE MY SHIN CHAN AND HIS WIENER OUTTA THIS

GlamoReo: if only mako chan fought his own battles instead of hiding behind his teammates~

BlackWidHoe: why the frick frack fuck are you still in this group chat

BlackWidHoe: AND UM? BITCH? I orchestrate all the attacks obviously no wonder they're so flawless my team would be fuckin NOTHING without me

TheShadyKing: oh would you look at that

TheShadyKing: my fave mushroom is texting me

TheShadyKing: I gotta pick him up for the party

TheShadyKing: what a shame im going to miss world war 3

TheShadyKing: if any of ya survive text me the 'deets'

GlamoReo: Shouichi-kun please stop overreacting hun me and mako-chan's relationship isnt that bad!

Taco: _*puts on war paint*_ im on team reo

GlamoReo: and I thought kou-chan was dramatic!

GlamoReo: oh and hahaha thanks Kazu-chan~

PunPrince: REOOOOOOO

PunPrince: HI

PunPrince: I LOVE U

PunPrince: UR SO PRETTY AND GR8

PunPrince: <333 marry me pls

GlamoReo: hahah youre so funny~

PunPrince: yeah i was totally kidding...hahahahahahahahreolovemehahahaha

GlamoReo: Shun-chan youre so cute!!! If only your boyfriend was as cute...

PunPrince: my BF?

GlamoReo: yknow honey, your captain?

PunPrince: AHHH Junpei isn't my boyfriend!!! AND I AM SO SO SO SORRY FOR WHAT HE SAID REO I SWEAR HES GONNA MAKE IT UP TO U TODAY I PROMISE HES A GOOD PERSON DEEP DOWN I KNOW I LOVE THE SWEET GUY HE IS

Taco: this convo is getting deeper than the puddle I nearly drowned in yesterday hahaha good times man

Taco: i should leave

Taco: see you guys soon yoooooo

PunPrince: babe u gotta help me with the cake so ur coming before 2:30 k?

Taco: kay

GlamoReo: oh hes going to...make it up to me?

GlamoReo: how?

PunPrince: its a surprise!!! :D

BlackWidHoe: its food isnt it

PunPrince: fuCK HOWD U KNOW?

PunPrince: BURN THE WITCH

GlamoReo: mako-chan may be a witch and a _*itch_ but that doesnt mean we should burn him!

PunPrince: i live for reo subtly roasting hanameme

BlackWidHoe: i dont what the fuck

BlackWidHoe: i leave for ten minutes to straighten my hair and y'all are being weird already

GlamoReo: mako-chan you look beautiful with your natural hair! i bet Shoi would love to see your wonderful hair!

BlackWidHoe: im

BlackWidHoe: im gonna

BlackWidHoe: cut off all of my fucking hair brb

PunPrince: lol I mean u do u man i dont need ur ugly ass to distract Kiyoshi tonight

BlackWidHoe: lmao good luck tearing kiyoshis eyes away from fuckin reo

BlackWidHoe: he dresses the fuck up for every party so you know he's gonna look hella pretty

GlamoReo: thx mako-chan ♡

BlackWidHoe: ew get that heart away from me

GlamoReo: mako-chan                               ♡

PunPrince: HAH reo is so cute

PunPrince: also i thought u hated reo? whyre u complimenting...them hanameme?

BlackWidHoe: just because i hate him dont mean hes an ugly bitch

GlamoReo: thanks shun honey~

PunPrince: im ur shuney ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GlamoReo: and uh, thanks mako-chan I think?

GlamoReo: and I forgot to update my snap chat story today heheh silly me! He/Him pronouns today!

PunPrince: cool t-hanks!

PunPrince: ill see yall at 3 right?

BlackWidHoe: no lmao

PunPrince: okay ill see u at 3!

GlamoReo: anything for Teppei-chan! See you guys soon~

 

_1:38 pm_

 

Taco: GUYS

Taco: WOULD ANY OF YOU APPRECIATE A FERRET AS A BDAY GIFT

 

_1:59 pm_

 

Taco: UPDATE

Taco: DO U GUYS THINK THAT I CAN RETURN A FERRET AND GET MY MONEY BACK

Taco: HALF MY MONEY BACK?

Taco: FUCK THIS I DONT EVEN WANT MY MONEY BACK ANYMORE SOMEONE TAKE THIS DEMON FERRET AWAY FROM ME

 

_2:01 pm_

 

Taco: DO U THINK I CAN GIVE THEM SHIN CHAN AND THE FERRET

 

_2:15 pm_

 

Taco: pls tell me Kiyoshi isnt allergic to ferrets

 

_2:24 pm_

 

Taco: can i get ferret piss out of a suit jacket

 

_2:31 pm_

 

Taco: HOLY SHIT SHIN CHAN JUST REALIZED THAT THERES PISS ON HIS SHOULDER OMFG HES GONNA KILL ME

Taco: SOMEONE PLS HELP HOW CAN I USE A FERRET AS A WEAPON

 

_2:46 pm_

 

Taco: guys if i dont show up to the party in the next half an hour then shin chan has either murdered me or ive moved to Guatemala under a fake alias with my pet ferret to escape shin-chans wrath

 

Taco ran through the doors of Seirin's gym, leaping over Furihata who was kneeling on the floor and trying to wrap Kiyoshi's present, and running straight into Izuki's arms.

"BABE, please, I need your help!"

Izuki hugged his friend back, exchanging confused glances with Kagami who was digging into his fourth burger of the day with an orgasmic face.

"Um, okay, what's up?"

"Did you check the group chat?"

"Uh no? Riko took my phone 'cause she sucks and doesn't want me to have fun."

The short girl appeared behind Takao to glare at Izuki.

"Too much fun leads to babies. You'll thank me later."

By now everyone in the gym was staring at Takao who looked like he was on the verge of crying.

"Why is it that whenever I see Shuutokou's point guard he's always a mess?" Hyuuga mumbled to Tsuchida who snorted.

"Shhh, captain, don't be rude, this is an important plot point to the story."

"What?"

"What?"

Kuroko raised a small pale hand.

"Is this like the time Takao-kun thought he smoked pot and started crying and tried to arrest himself but he had just lit a bunch of leaves on fire and inhaled the smoke?"

"Yes."

"I hope this doesn't end in a ban from the public park like that did."

"Well..."

_"KAZUNARI!"_

Furihata looked like he was gonna pass out as Midorima gingerly stepped around him and jogged towards the two point guards in the middle of the gym.

"Hello Midorima-kun." Kuroko said.

"Sup fuck face." Kagami said and held out his fist for a fist bump.

Midorima awkwardly shook Kagami's fist before glaring at him.

"I do not have time for you two right now. Kazunari explain this!"

Midorima ripped off his jacket and pointed to a suspicious stain on his shoulder.

"Would you care to explain what this is?"

"Is it pee?" Koganei asked softly and when Midorima glared at him Koganei shoved some fries into his mouth.

"Rin-chan said it." He mumbled and Midorima switched his glare back at Takao.

"Is it pee?" Izuki repeated and Takao choke laughed into Izuki's chest.

 _"It isssssssssssssss."_ The boy moaned.

"AND WHAT KIND OF URINE IS THIS?"

Kasamatsu and Kise looked up from where they were cooing and petting Nigou near the storage room.

"Why is Midorima-chhi screaming about piss?"

"I dunno Ryouta, shouldn't you know? You fuckin' miracles are all weird as shit aren't you?"

Taco peeked over Izuki's shoulder to wave excitedly at Kasamatsu.

"Hi sock senpai! You wanna help me move to Guatemala?"

Midorima grabbed Takao by the hair and yanked him backwards, out of Izuki's warm embrace and into the cold cold world.

"No one is moving to Guatemala." Midorima sighed and grabbed at the scarf around Takao's neck.

Oh wait-that wasn't a scarf.

For some reason no one had noticed that Takao hadn't simply draped a Louis Vitton 2016 original pure cashmere scarf around his neck.

_Noooooooo._

Takao just had to wrap _a fucking ferret_ around his damn neck.

Kise howled in laughter as he lunged towards the small point guard to try and touch the ferret but got restrained by Kasamatsu who refused to let the blond model near the rodent.

"Back up stupid! You wanna get fuckin' rabies?"

"I WANNA PET THE MOUSE!"

Takao looked irritated.

"This is obviously a ferret you uncultured spork. And it doesn't have rabies!"

Midorima pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly. Hyuuga felt for him.

"Kazunari, you caught the rodent in the park. It was frothing at the mouth. It tried to bite you! I am pretty sure it has rabies!" Midorima pointed out and Takao waved a hand looking unbothered.

"Complications, complications." Takao said and Midorima looked like he was going to bust a vein as he started to shout. And unfortunately everyone joined him in screaming.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY _'COMPLICATIONS'_ -"

"See everyone? My man cares so much about me-"

"WAIT?!?!? MIDORIMA-CHHI'S DATING TAKAO?"

"Hoe where's my suffix at?"

"I only add a suffix for people I respect :)"

"How he do that. How did he verbalize a smiley face."

"Well Kagami-kun can fucking fly on court so I suppose Kise-kun can say emoticons out loud."

"Senpai I'm scared..."

"FURI COME TO MOMMY I PROMISE I'LL PROTECT MY SON!"

"Itzuki confirmed for a mommy kink~"

"(☉_☉)"

"Not now Rin-chan!"

"FUCK MY FERRET ESCAPED! SHIT EVERYONE KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!"

"That's kind of rude."

"Aw Tsuchida-san I'm sorry..."

"YUKIO-CHHI EEK IS THAT THE MOUSE??? HOLD ME!"

"You know what bitch, if you keep calling my ferret a mouse you deserve to get bitten."

Everyone just kept screaming and jumping around, well except Riko who swung herself up onto the snack table and stayed well away from the chaos as she munched on a chip as she waited for her girlfriend to come.

Midorima refused to let go of Takao, causing the smaller boy to scream because _"MY FERRET!"_

Izuki wormed through the crowed of people and grabbed Tsuchida's shoulders, forcing his friend to look him in the eye.

"WHERE'S TEPPEI?" The point guard shouted and his friend looked confused before smiling.

"HE'S STILL IN THE BATHROOM! I TOLD HIM TO STAY THERE UNTIL I CALLED HIM OUT!"

"GOOD!"

 

_3: 20 pm_

 

BlackWidHoe: hey bitch boys im outside

BlackWidHoe: Shoi and Hara are with me

BlackWidHoe: we're coming in whether u like it or not

 

Furihata shrieked and nearly fell into Riko as the ferret ran across his feet. Hyuuga caught him at the last second and blushed furiously as Furihata clung to him looking terrified. Koganei nudged Mitobe and they both smirked at their flustered looking captain.

"FURI YOU USELESS CHIHUAHUA! CATCH MY BABY!" Takao yelled.

Furihata shrieked louder and the ferret didn't seem to like Furihata's noises very much and scampered away to go bother Kuroko.

The ferret climbed over a sleeping Nigou and slipped into Kuroko's shirt with ease. Kuroko stared at his boyfriend in horror.

"Taiga-kun get this rodent out of my chest."

Kagami awkwardly stuck his hands down Kuroko's top, rough hands gently skimming against Kuroko's skin before grabbing the furry rodent and launching it at the nearest persons, read: Kise's, face.

Kuroko gave his boyfriend a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"My hero." He said dryly as the red head grinned.

"Das me."

"What the actual fuck is happening." Hanamiya said as he walked into the gym with two hot guys following him.

Kise caught the rodent that had been thrown at him with a grin before handing Takao back his 'son' and said to Kasamatsu;

"This is second weirdest birthday party I've been to..."

"Second?"

"Yeah we had this one party back in middle school where Aomine-chhi got into a fight with a 7 year old over a carton of ice cream...he lost and then he-"

"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Izuki shouted at Hanamiya who looked down out his outfit and smirked.

"You like?"

"YOU WHACK ASS BITCH, you're wearing MY shirt!"

Everyone looked at Izuki's shirt and then at Hanamiya's and then back at Izuki's.

"Oh my god they're wearing the same shirt this is hella awkward." Takao whispered as he nuzzled his rodent son. Midorima looked kind of jealous but also kind of disgusted and bothered.

"This is such a first world problem." Midorima mumbled as Hanamiya ran his hands over the shirt™.

"Mako-chan did buy this shirt today after he saw Shun's snapchat story-"

"WhAT?"

Hara snickered as Hanamiya smirked, looking mighty proud of himself.

"It looks better on me than him doesn't it?" Hanamiya asked the two boys behind him who nodded.

Izuki looked like he was going to throw a tantrum and Seirin seemed use to his strange behaviour and began to sort out plates of food for the guests and poor Kagami got stuck with the job of feeding Takao's ferret.

"HE'S WEARING THE SAME SHIRT AS ME! WHY THE FUCK IS NO ONE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?" Izuki shouted and everyone pretty much ignored him.

Kise got bored of watching the ferret and began to lightly boop Kasamatsu's head with his soda can.

Riko pulled out her phone and started texting.

Furihata giggled nervously as Koganei drew a frosted penis on the sheet cake.

Izuki marched towards Hanamiya and pulled his fist back, completely set on reorganizing Hanamiya's face but got his wrist retrained by Hara.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you~"

"Don't touch him." Hyuuga snapped and shoved the bubble gum chewer away from his friend.

"I'll touch him all I want." Hara purrs and wraps his arms around Izuki much to the boys disdain.

"Imayoshit if you get this fuck wad off of me I'll kiss you-"

Hyuuga scoffed.

"He's not gonna-"

Imayoshi ripped his hand from Hanamiya's and grabbed Hara by the collar of his shirt and tore him off Izuki with a desperate look in his eyes.

"So about that kiss?"

Just when Imayoshi was leaning forward and puckering his lips to kiss Izuki, Kiyoshi emerged from the bathroom looking confused as all hell.

"I'm sorry, I know Tsuchida told me to stay in the bathroom but I was getting hungry and then you all started making noises so uh-OOH food."

Kiyoshi's eyes traveled from the food table to Takao cuddling the ferret to Hanamiya looking pissed about how close Imayoshi's face was to Izuki's.

Riko looked up from her phone with a gummy worm dangling from her mouth.

"Happy birthday Teppei." She said with a half smile.

"Oh uh thanks! Is this all for me?"

"Yup. It sure is."

Kiyoshi was quiet for a moment before he pointed to Izuki and Hanamiya.

 _"Oh!_ You guys are wearing the same shirt!"

 

After that the party kind of escalated in an okay way. Touou arrived, Sakurai was emo that Imayoshi had forgotten to pick him up and he pouted in the corner of the gym until Aomine borrowed (read: stole) a present from Kiyoshi's present pile and gave it to his boyfriend to cheer him up and then Sakurai was so busy trying to explain to Aomine that stealing was wrong that he had forgotten to be emo. Momoi had given Kiyoshi a birthday kiss on the cheek and Izuki tried not to scream and Riko didn't even bother to hide her scream. 

 

Midorima had snapped his fingers at Kawahara and gotten the poor boy to clean his jacket in the bathroom. The joke was on Midorima though because Koganei had insisted that Midorima's suit jacket be flushed repeatedly into the toilet. At least he didn't smell like ferret pee anymore.

 

Izuki had calmed down considerably from his minor outburst and he and Kiyoshi had sat in the corner, eating and watching Hyuuga, giggling to each other at how lame he other looked just wandering around waiting for Reo and MayuMayu.

 

Hara had recovered from the smol fight he had had and he and Hanamiya took turns licking all the chips from the bowl and putting them back. Pure evil.

 

Imayoshi had tried to hug Kasamatsu but as soon as he got within five feet of the ex captain Kasamatsu had, according to Kise, 'violently sneezed his guts out' onto Imayoshi and the demon captain had _rAN THE FUCK AWAY._

 

Takao had tried to get his ferret and Nigou to mate but he failed rather quickly and started showing Furihata some memes on his phone, much to the brunet's disappointment.

 

For some reason Yosen was there. Fukui was aggressively ignoring Takao and his attempts to drag the dirty blond back into the group chat. Kagami had told everyone that he had invited Himuro but no one was really listening to him because his hands were down Kuroko's pants and that was _dirtyyyyyyyy._

 

Imayoshi had greeted Himuro with a _"Hey sexy."_ But had, again, ran the fuck away when Himuro's 6'10 boyfriend had glared daggers down at him. Amazing.

 

Rakuzan arrived late, but Reo looked really pretty so no one really minded that the party was practically over as long as Reo was there. Reo gave Kiyoshi a hug and then he gave Hanamiya a hug and then Hanamiya punched Reo in the boob and Reo just laughed and then gave the shorter boy a stern look like Hanamiya was his disobedient son that needed a time out.

 

Mayu nodded at everyone before approaching Izuki and bluntly asking him for the wifi password. Mayu was so relatable. 

 

Hyuuga looked like he was gonna piss himself as he shyly approached Reo and Mayu, the cupcake platter in his hands and a nervous smile on his face.

 

_5:15 pm_

 

PunPrince: Teppei!

PunPrince: where are u???

IronHeart: im in the locker room!

IronHeart: i just needed a moment to myself!

PunPrince: relatable

PunPrince: did u like the party? we spent all week planning it!

IronHeart: i loved it so much i cannot thank you guys enough! i had so much fun! and it was really sweet of you to invite my middle school friends!

IronHeart: and im really glad that Junpei apologized to Reo and his boyfriend, they seemed to forgive him from what it seemed

PunPrince: yeah haha that was really gr8!

PunPrince: hey ur in the locker room right?

PunPrince: can i join u? i wanna give u ur gift in private...

PunPrince: its kinda special...

IronHeart: of course!

IronHeart: i bet itll be wonderful!

 

_Saturday June 11th_

_9:22 am_

 

BlackWidHoe: fuckkkkkk

BlackWidHoe: i am so hungover rn

BlackWidHoe: Shoi I need u rn damnit

TheShadyKing: dont worry baby im on my way with water and Chinese food

BlackWidHoe: my man is better than all of yours hahahahah suck on it bitchessssss

AkashiSeijuurou: That party was very fun. Me and Reo enjoyed ourselves a lot. Chihiro liked the part where he and Reo snuck into the storage closet to make out.

AkashiSeijuurou: I liked the part where we cut the cake and all sang to Kiyoshi-san and then we ran out of cake so Furihata-kun shared his cake with me. That was good.

AkashiSeijuurou: Me and Furihata-kun got to properly chat without him passing out which was very good.

SockSenpai: I liked the whole party because Mori wasn't there.

SockSenpai: he had some family thing to attend.

SockSenpai: Izuki was super disappointed and he left the party halfway and went into the locker room with Kiyoshi.

BlackWidHoe: oh yeah lol they were totally fucking in there

BlackWidHoe: also i got to rub cake into kiyoshis face hahahaha fuckin moron

PunPrince: hes still washing cake out of his hair hanameme pls take it easy on the cake next time

BlackWidHoe: no lol

PunPrince: aw anyways im still sad that Mori couldnt make it :(

SockSenpai: i think hes on a plane so he wont be able to text u back until tomorrow

PunPrince: kay thanks Kasa

SockSenpai: no prob.

SockSenpai: whered u go during the party anyways?

PunPrince: oh i wanted to give Teppei his bday present in private!

PunPrince: i already gave it to him but ill explain it rn

PunPrince: it was a sketchbook fillet with drawings i made of Kiyoshi

PunPrince: i asked his grandparents for photos of Kiyoshi as a baby with his parents and i redrew those and then drew pictures of him as a teenager with his parents

PunPrince: there were some photos of him during a match and it just him in his school uniform or him with us and shit like that

SockSenpai: i heard youre a really good artist, i bet those drawings were great.

PunPrince: im so proud of them! so yeah i had a book of drawings for Teppei and the last page was a drawing of him and me kissing

PunPrince: at the bottom i wrote "i like you Teppei, do u like me?" and then i gave him two options

SockSenpai: oh thats really cute...were the two options yes or no?

PunPrince: lol no the only two options were yes and yes

SockSenpai: oh my god

PunPrince: so i gave him the book while we were in the locker room and he kept complimenting the drawings as he flipped through the book

PunPrince: and he looked so happy and then he got to the last page and his smile softened

PunPrince: he pointed to the yes option and looked at me and he whispers

PunPrince: _"you like me? im so glad you feel the same way, i like you too shun!"_

PunPrince: and then he kissed me...and it felt so good!!!（>∀<）

SockSenpai: awwww that's so sweet.

PunPrince: we kissed for like half an hour and then we went to my house 'cause no one was home and then we ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SockSenpai: whaT DID YOU TWO DO???

PunPrince: mommy Yukio needs to chill we just made out on his bed dont worry!

SockSenpai: im just glad that you and Kiyoshi 'hooked up'

SockSenpai: maybe he'll be able to calm u down

SockSenpai: so im guessing youre gonna try and get Mori to join ur relationship?

PunPrince: YAS

SockSenpai: u know what ur happy as hell im not going to ruin your happiness.

PunPrince: YASSSSSSSSS BOI YASSSSS KASA U ARE SO ON FLEEEEK

SockSenpai: THATS IT IM WORD SHAMING YOU.


	7. kise loves kasamatsu more than he loves not having an infected ear hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tfw ur family has more drama than the kardashians

"Yukio-chhi if I die, promise to take care of my dogs for me?"  
   
"No."  
   
"Whaaaaa??? Why not???"  
   
"Because you don't have a fucking dog you dumbass."  
   
"SEE! I can't die until I get a dog! Get me out of this chair so we can go and adopt a dog and then I can die in peace!"  
   
Kasamatsu rolled his eyes and tried not to blush at the _"we"_. The hair salon also doubled as a place to get your flesh pierced and for Kise's 16th birthday his awful senpai's were treating him to a second piercing since he had been too much of a wuss to get more than one ear lobe pierced so for his special day he was going to be gifted PAIN.  
   
Kise was in the chair of doom looking like his ass was about to be executed. He was praying and mumbling and squeezing Kasamatsu's hand tightly as the shaved head lady cleaned the piercing gun with some alcohol, having the decency to to look away from the panicky blond. Moriyama and Kobori were trying on wigs at the back of the shop while Nakamura tried to stop Hayakawa from trying to steal a mannequins head.  
   
("SHE APPRECIATES ME MORE THAN ANY OF Y'ALL DO LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Someone please shoot me with that piercing gun right now.")  
   
Kobori adjusted the blond, ass length wig on his head and fluffed the ends a bit and winked at his boyfriend.  
   
"Hey Shinya, baby," he drawled. "Wanna help me prove that blonds have more fun?"  
   
Nakamura gestured vaguely to Kise in the chair.  
   
"I'm not sure that blond is having much fun." He said and Kise made a weird noise in the back of his throat.  
   
"Yukio...what if my poor ear gets infected?"  
   
Mrs. Shaved Head Lady set the piecing gun down and sighed.  
  
"The chances of your piercing getting infected is very rare, to prevent an ear infection you should-"  
   
Moriyama stopped checking himself out in the mirror and strolled over to bother Mrs. Shaved Head Lady.  
   
"Excuse me do you sell belly button piercings because my boo Shun says he's been looking into getting his cute tummy hole pierced and I want to pick a nice one out for him!"  
   
Mrs. Shaved Head Lady didn't look too impressed (or too convinced that Izuki was going to get his _'tummy hole'_ pierced) but she led Moriyama to the shelves in the corner.  
   
"We have a varied selection of piercings for your _'boos' 'tummy hole'_."  
   
"Thank thank." Moriyama said and wandered over to the shelves to ooh and aah at the piercings and maybe snap chat some of them but not actually buy any of them. Don't be ridiculous.  
   
"Um??? Excuse me??? Please continue telling me about how I can keep my precious ear from getting uninfected!"  
   
Mrs. Shaved Head sighed once more but started listing everything that Kise should do in a monotone voice. As she explained how to flush an ear hole with salt water Kasamatsu's phone beeped loudly.  
   
"Yukio-chhi!" Kise hissed at his friend. "Can you turn that off?"  
   
Kasamatsu sighed loudly but obeyed _ONLY_ because it was Kise's birthday. He fished his phone outta his pocket and tossed it to the most trust worthy person in the room.  
   
The mannequin.  
   
_SIKE_ y'all thought. Kasamatsu tossed his phone to Nakamura who caught it with one hand while the other hand held Hayakawa in place. The last thing they needed was to be banned from another public place on one of their birthdays again.  
   
"Shinya, can you go onto the point guard group chat and tell everyone to shut the hell up?"  
   
"Will do." 

  
   
_Saturday June 18th_  


_  
4: 07 pm _

  
   
FuriKou: im soooooo cold  
   
BlackWidHoe: cold like my heart hahahaha  
   
Taco now thats what i call edgy  
  
FuriKou: you guys are no help!!!  
  
FuriKou: ill go and try to convince my manager to turn up the heat  
  
Taco: furis bookstore is TURNT  
  
FuriKou: takao-kun for the last time its not my bookstore!  
  
Taco: lmao that wont stop me from holding shin chans birthday there  
  
BlackWidHoe: dont invite me i won't come lol  
  
FuriKou: taKAO KUN NOOOO YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT I WAS NEARLY FIRED AFTER U LET THAT CLOWN IN LAST YEAR  
  
Taco: furi dont be a rude piece of chihuahua that clown was shin chan he had his makeup done by his weird pink haired lady friend  
  
FuriKou: -_- whatever takao-kun pls no more birthdays at the book store!  
  
Taco: ugh fine  
  
Taco: ill go see if the library is available  
  
BlackWidHoe: i like the library wtf don't ruin it for me  
  
Taco: yeah well ur face is already ruined for me! HAH  
  
BlackWidHoe: so like...do i pretend to be hurt by that to protect ur lil gay feelings?  
  
Taco: RUDE  
  
SockSenpai: this is Nakamura  
  
SockSenpai: Kasamatsu Senpai says shut up  
  
SockSenpai: thanks  
  
SockSenpai: thats all  
  
BlackWidHoe: straight to the point i like it  
  
SockSenpai: wait one more thing  
  
BlackWidHoe: aw damnit  
  
SockSenpai: Kise wants to know if any of u have ever 'pierced your flesh' before  
  
SockSenpai: hes getting his second piercing today and he wants to get all the advice he can from past piercing owners  
  
BlackWidHoe: fuckin wuss lmao  
  
BlackWidHoe: i have like five piercings and did i cry during any of them?  
  
TheShadyKing: yeah u did lol  
  
BlackWidHoe: NO  
  
BlackWidHoe: SHOI SHUT UP I NEVER CRY FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FISHING ROD  
  
Taco: by fishing rod does he mean penis?  
  
BlackWidHoe: MAYBE  
  
Taco: scorE  
  
BlackWidHoe: ANYWAYS I DONT FUCKIN CRY  
  
TheShadyKing: remember that time in middle school when u made me cuddle u for like five straight hours after u got ur ears pierced and u cried so much your mouth tasted salty for a week?  
  
Taco: ewwwww das nasty  
  
BlackWidHoe: ...nO i was sweating from my eyes u stupid ass Senpai dont fuckin try to convince everyone i was CRYING  
  
SockSenpai: you guys...please  
  
SockSenpai: kise just wants some tips  
  
SockSenpai: just throw some nonsense at me so i can shut him up and Kasa senpai can stop his scary glare...  
  
BlackWidHoe: well when i got my belly button pierced i couldnt sleep on my front for like two weeks which sucked ass  
  
TheShadyKing: u never slept on ya front in the first place tho? Ya always said ya boobs kept ya from doing that  
  
Taco: boobies  
  
TheShadyKing: um correct hahaha  
  
BlackWidHoe: okay but like  
  
BlackWidHoe: maybe i developed a weird fetish for sleeping on my front as soon as i got my belly button pierced u dont know me  
  
SockSenpai: ...ill tell Kise not to sleep on his side then thanks for your 'helpful' advice  
  
BlackWidHoe: what them hyphens for  
  
SockSenpai: those are apostrophes?  
  
TheShadyKing: Déjà vu :-)  
  
SockSenpai: ...i need to leave  
  
SockSenpai: i would say it was great talking to you guys...  
  
SockSenpai: but it wasnt  
  
Taco: hoLD UP  
  
Taco: where is mikasa?  
  
Taco: i need to talk to him  
  
SockSenpai: you mean Kasamatsu Senpai?  
  
SockSenpai: hes trying to calm Kise down  
  
SockSenpai: because he looks like hes going to shit himself  
  
SockSenpai: to clarify Kise looks like he's gonna shit himself not Kasamatsu senpai  
  
BlackWidHoe: nice  
  
SockSenpai: i seriously need to go, Hayakawa is being strange again and hes trying to kidnap a mannequin head  
  
TheShadyKing: relatable  
  
SockSenpai: bye i guess  
  
Taco: BYEEEE  
  
TheShadyKing: bye :-)  
  
Taco: IMAYOSHIT  
  
Taco: HANAMEME  
  
Taco: you guys ready for our call?  
  
BlackWidHoe: one sec i need to finish beating my face  
  
TheShadyKing: ???  
  
BlackWidHoe: with makeup  
  
TheShadyKing: ¿¿¿  
  
BlackWidHoe: what u think my good looks come naturally???  
  
Taco: u put on makeup???  
  
BlackWidHoe: SIKE YALL THOUGHT HAHAHA GO DIE  
  
Taco: hanameme we talked about this  
  
BlackWidHoe: =_=  
  
TheShadyKing: my baby boi is beautiful with or without makeup~  
  
Taco: yeah!!! thats the spirit!  
  
Taco: imma call now so Imayoshit put ur dick back into ur pants and hanameme go and fuckin put a shirt on we dont need you to flash shin chan with ur bare boobies again  
  
BlackWidHoe: lol the boy needed to see some titty  
  
BlackWidHoe: he needed to LIVE  
  
BlackWidHoe: get some blood pumping  
  
TheShadyKing: i know the blood pumped somewhere when he saw ur tits  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
Taco: JFC I AM CALLING! 

  
  
_Point Guards Unite （ >∀<）is now calling..._  
  
_*Call ended, duration 3:05:49*_

  
  
_Sunday June 19th_

_  
  
12:46 am _

  
  
SockSenpai: what the fuck could imayoshit, his weird boyfriend and takao be talking about?

_  
  
2:06 am   
_

  
BlackWidHoe: none of yo damn business  
  
SockSenpai: -_- i have another question. why are you always online?  
  
BlackWidHoe: wow rude i can leave if u wanted me to  
  
SockSenpai: dude i just wanted to know why youre always online, just stay i was kind of lonely anyways.  
  
SockSenpai: everyone else is asleep.  
  
BlackWidHoe: SIKE bitch i wasnt gonna leave even if u asked me :)  
  
SockSenpai: *sighs* so whats up Hanamiya?  
  
BlackWidHoe: nothing  
  
BlackWidHoe: you?  
  
SockSenpai: Kise and Nakamura and Hayakawa are here.  
  
SockSenpai: they slept over because we were celebrating last night and we didnt want Kise and them to walk home alone.  
  
BlackWidHoe: ooooooh u have a sexy ass blond model in your bed huh  
  
SockSenpai: i mean what else was i supposed to do!!!  
  
SockSenpai: i might be mean to him but i wouldnt let him sleep on the floor especially because its his bday!  
  
SockSenpai: well not anymore...  
  
SockSenpai: but he looks so comfortable aw shit i wont move him.  
  
BlackWidHoe: mhm but what if u wake up and ur dick is lodged in his ass  
  
BlackWidHoe: or HIS dick is lodged in YOUR ass  
  
BlackWidHoe: either way  
  
BlackWidHoe: what ya gonna do then  
  
SockSenpai: THATS DISGUSTING SHUT UP.  
  
SockSenpai: and thats not gonna happen what the hell dont be weird!  
  
SockSenpai: there is a full five inches of space between us  
  
SockSenpai: just so i dont accidentally touch him in his sleep.  
  
SockSenpai: thats weird as hell.  
  
Taco: OKAY BUT WHAT IF U GUYS WAKE UP AND UR IN EACH OTHERS ARMS AND UR EYES LOCK AND HEARTS DANCE AROUND UR HEADS AND THEN U LEAN IN SLOWLY AND UR LIPS BRUSH AND FIREWORKS EXPLODE  
  
BlackWidHoe: thats gay lol  
  
SockSenpai: 1) if for some reason we wake up in each others arms theres no way im kissing Kise with his nasty ass morning breath  
  
SockSenpai: 2) if hearts are dancing around our head we're probably REALLY DAMN HIGH  
  
SockSenpai: dont do drugs kids.  
  
SockSenpai: 3) if fireworks exploded when i kissed someone id probably be very scared? and i wouldnt keep kissing Kise? id be yelling? what the fuck takao?  
  
Taco: listen,,,me and reo have been talking and he recommends these rlly good romance novels that bare so fuckin good,,,ahhhhh  
  
BlackWidHoe: ew why are u reading Reo's weird cheesy ass books?  
  
Taco: BECAUSE OF UUUUUUUUUU  
  
Taco: i need to read up on my couple logic  
  
Taco: u think my good advice comes naturally?  


Taco: NAHHHHHHH

Taco: im texting reo and shin chan while u and imayoshit yell at each other during our calls

SockSenpai: ah so thats what u guys call about

Taco: yeah!!! 

Taco: they talk about their many

Taco: many

Taco: MANYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Taco: problems

BlackWidHoe: dont be fucking rude we dont have THAT many problems

Taco: HOE YOU HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS THAT ARIANA GRANDA WROTE  HER SONG ABOUT YOUR RELATIOSHIP  


BlackWidHoe: *gasps*

Taco: YOU AND IMAYOSHIT HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS THATT I MISTOOK YALL FOR MY MATH HOMEWORK

Taco: YALL HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS YOU COULD BE A GOM MEMBER

AkashiSeijuurou: Rude.

AkashiSeijuurou: But also, true.

TheShadyKing: Ive got 99 problems but getting laid aint one ;)

SockSenpai: ???

FuriKou: guys pls we should stop these pop culture references kasa senpai seems confused

SockSenpai: SHUT uP FUrI

SockSenpai: its true tho, can someone fill me in?

BlackWidHoe: no lol

BlackWidHoe: WAIT SHOI WHAT DID U FUCKIN SAY?

BlackWidHoe: ...

BlackWidHoe: the next time we have sex im bringing one of my sneks and hiding them in my bra

BlackWidHoe: ...AGAIN

TheShadyKing: oh hell n o

SockSenpai: snek?

TheShadyKing: makoto refuses to say 'snake' because he thinks 'snek' sounds cuter ya know

SockSenpai: i guess i know now?

FuriKou: snek does sound rlly cute!!!

BlackWidHoe: stfu no one cares about your opinion u chihuauauauauaua

AkashiSeijuurou: Don't be rude to him. 

BlackWidHoe: woW IM SORRY FOR MESSING WITH UR BITCH :)

Taco: GUYS PLS DONT FIGHT

SockSenpai: hey! dont call furihata a bitch! you bitch!

TheShadyKing: UM, only i can refer to my makoto as a bitch ya need to shut the fuck up yukio ;-)

FuriKou: oh no?!?!?!?!?!?! did i start this?!?!?!?! IM SORRY

Taco: FURI STFU 

Taco: UR GONNA TEAR THIS FAMILY APART

Taco: WHERE IS MY BAE WHEN I NEED HIM

Taco: hIS CUTE ASS COULD PROBABLY CALM EVERYONE DOWN

TheShadyKing: his ass would do the opposite of calming me down ;)

BlackWidHoe: IM GOING TO FUCKIN KILL U SHOI

Taco: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM CALLING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

_ Point Guards Unite （>∀<） is now calling... _

 

Takao screamed loudly trying to get everyone's attention. Surprisingly it worked. Before everyone could start yelling at each other again, Takao located Furihata'as face on his screen and smacked the brunet. 

 

"FURI! WHERE'S MY SHUN?'

 

"HE'S ON A DATE WITH KIYOSHI-SENPAI!" Furihata tried to match Takao's enthusiasm much to Kasamatsu's annoyance.

 

"Guys, please shut up...Kise is fucking sleeping next to me!"

 

"Then why don't ya head into the bathroom or some shit?"

 

"Good idea...AND SHUT UP IMAYOSHIT stop looking at me like that!"

 

Imayoshi kept on smirking as Kasamatsu's screen got all shaky as he tiptoed into the bathroom before plopping down into the bathtub and setting his phone on the ledge trying to look casual as he moved a bath bomb out of the way.

 

"Sup." 

 

Trust Kasamatsu to look sexy as fuck, in his pajamas just chilling in the bath tub.

 

"Um, excuse me." Hanamiya butted in, looking cute and bratty with his hair pulled in two pony tails and his skimpy black tank top just barely visible. "Furi-bitch. Did you just say that your whore ass senpai is on a date with your fuck ass senpai"

 

"...y-yeah?"

 

"Fuck I hate them."

 

"Is anyone gonna talk about how we're all online at like two in the morning? No? Just me? ...Okay then."

 

"I told you to stop calling him that." Akashi snapped. "I can't stand bullies-"

 

"SHOI HE CALLED ME A BULLY, FUCK HIM UP FOR ME HE'S BEING RUDE!"

 

"Imayoshi-san we talked about this, you need to maintain a good balance of protectiveness and possessiveness with Hanamiya-" Takao began and got cut off by the crude sound of Imayoshi's knuckles cracking.

 

"I got dis. Akashit, fuck you." Imayoshi looked proud of himself. "Was that good babe?"  


 

"Sure.  And don't fucking call me that. Lah mah ow."

 

"Did you seriously just try to verbalize the acronym of _'laughing my ass off'_?"

 

"Did you seriously just fucking say that?"

 

Takao waved his hands around trying to gain control of the situation.

 

"GUYS!!! IMAYOSHI-SAN GO AND VISIT HANAMIYA AND CALM HIM DOWN! We talked about how communication is key right?"

 

"Pffft is it like when Midorima and you ignore each other-"

 

"SHHHHHH!!!"

 

Furihata could've sworn he heard Imayoshi laughing even after the older boy left the call. _Spoopy._

 

"I'm gonna leave to because Akashit looks like he's gonna kill me hahahaha fuckin' nerd. Not like he's capable of murdering me anyways HAH."

 

"Hanamiya, dude, please be nice to your boyfriend when he arrives remember how we talked about good posture-"

 

Hanamiya ended the call.

 

Takao didn't look too put out that Hanamiya probably wasn't going to listen to him. He seemed pretty used to it by now. Takao held up a cheesy looking romance novel, showing the book off eagerly to his friends.

 

"Have you guys read this one? It's about a mermaid falling in love with a pirate and it's full of LOVE and SEX and DRAMA-"

 

"Sounds like Reo's life in a nutshell...and no I haven't read it, sorry Takao-kun." Akashi said and Takao pouted and looked at Furihata.

 

"Furi? Did you?"

 

"N-no I'm sorry!"

 

"Wow thanks for letting me down man. Kasa?"

 

"Nah."

 

"Boo you whore!"

 

"Wait I think Chihiro read that book! Want me to get him for you?"

 

"Ew no."

 

"Wow um alright then."

 

Takao put his book away and sighed loudly, looking annoyed that no one had read his new found obsession other than Reo and Reo's strange boy toy.

 

"I'm glad Hanamiya's gone." Akashi confessed. "He's not a very good person is he?"

 

Furihata giggled nervously. That beautiful sweet innocent virginal giggle could probably cure illnesses it was so pure and gorgeous. Takao may or may not have shed a tear as he heard it. Even Kasamatsu wasn't immune to Furi's boyish charm and he grinned in his bathtub looking like a grade A weirdo.

 

"N-neither were you d-during the winter cup." Furihata pointed out.

 

"Hey that was my other self!" Akashi protested and Furihata grinned shyly.

 

"'Heh I know..."

 

"Sock senpai do you understand what I mean by the homoerotic sub texts now?'

 

Kasamatsu must've laughed a bit too loudly because in a minute there was a groggy blond model stumbling into the bathroom.

 

"Yukio-chhi?" He mumbled. 'Why'd you leave the bed?"

 

Kasamatsu ended the call quickly after Takao started shrieking _"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_ IS THAT KISE?".

 

"Uh...I got a call and I didn't want to bother you." 

 

Kise climbed into the tub and rest his head on his friend's chest, whimpering as his sore ear lobe pressed against Kasamatsu's shirt.

 

"Mhm the bathroom is all nice and cold...I don't wanna leave...can we sleep here?"

 

"You can sleep here, there's no way in hell I'm staying here!"

 

Kise pouted aggressively. 

 

"But senpai! It's my birhtday don't be rude to me!"

 

"Techincally it's the next day..."

 

"SHHHHHH!!! My ears hurt!!! And you're warm! This is good!"

 

Kasamatsu breathed out slowly before awkwardly resting a hand on Kise's blond head.

 

"I guess this is." He grumbled quietly and Kise squeezed his eyes shut tightly and smiled.

 

"Happy birthday to me!"

 

"Yeah yeah whatever...happy birthday Ryouta..."

 

 


	8. everyone deserves a chance in the spotlight!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So Takao! Your news?"
> 
> Takao tried to do a team huddle but got lightly punched in the face repeatedly by Miyaji when he tried to come near the guy. Takao seemed to get the hint after a couple punches and somehow coaxed his strange team into a semi circle.
> 
> "Alright fam!"
> 
> "Fam?"
> 
> "...family!"
> 
> "Like hell I'm related to any of you weirdos!"
> 
> "I mean Miyaji's already such a mom-"
> 
> "MOMMYAJI!"
> 
> "SHUT THE FUCK UP! CALL ME THAT AGAIN AND I'LL...K-KILL YOU!"
> 
> "Alright, that's great!" Takao said and clapped his hands together, not really listening to Miyaji. "Miyaji senpai's our mom and Otsubo senpai's our daddy...and Mommyaji's daddy as well-don't pretend that we all can't hear you fucking in the locker rooms after practice y'all nasty-and I'm the cool gay cousin that everyone wants to be-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might or might not be changing my update schedule to every two weeks instead of every week because my life has been pretty shit lately and im emo af and trying to get through this point in my life and its kinda hard to continuously focus on a happy funny light hearted fic when ive been the opposite lmao
> 
> i hope u guys understand and the chapters might be a little longer because of the change in updates? ahahaha...dont count on it...
> 
> edit: omg this chapter is so long i hope yall love it!
> 
> anyways i hope u guys understand! yall have been wonderful so far and i am forever thankful because of that!
> 
> this is hella pointless because none of u probably read the authors note hahaha...anyways enjoy the chapter!

Takao lightly punched Midorima's toned pale arm and gave his tall friend a handsome toothy smile.  
  
"Shin-chan-"  
  
"No."  
  
"But baaaaaaaaaabe-"  
  
"No. And don't call me that."  
  
"But I have news to tell you!"  
  
"I don't care about the news!"  
  
_"Suit yourself~"_  
  
Takao skipped away to go bother Miyaji and Otsubo.  
  
"Hey do you guys wanna hear about my news?"  
  
Miyaji rolled his eyes and closed his messenger bag before handing it to Otsubo who eagerly hung it on himself.  
  
"No, you brat, no one wants to hear your dumbass news. The last time you had news you did a backflip and then you broke your fucking neck!"  
  
Otsubo smiled down at Takao and gave his quivering boyfriends hand a reassuring squeeze.  
  
"Babe. Do those breathing exercises we talked about. Those will calm you down."  
  
Miyaji glared at everyone before starting his breathing exercises, exhaling little puffs loudly.  
  
"So, Takao, your news?"  
  
Midorima edged closer to the conversation, a basketball clutched in his hand to try and disguise his true eavesdropping intentions.  
  
"I wanna hear his news!" Kimura said and Miyaji's breathing exercises got a lot louder.  
  
"Huh! Would ya look at that! Everyone wants to hear my news!"  
  
Miyaji puffed an extra loud puff of air.  
  
"Well except Miyaji-senpai but I bet he secretly wants to hear my news."  
  
Takao finger gunned at Midorima who didn't seem to appreciate his hand gestures.  
  
"Kazunari stop that."  
  
"DID Y'ALL HERE THAT? My man calls me Kazunari! Ain't that cute as fuck?"  
  
"Why is he being all southern all of a sudden? What the fuck? Is he high again?"  
  
"That was ONE time."  
  
"That happened two times actually ahaha."  
  
"THAT WAS ONLY TWICE ALRIGHT! It won't happen again!"  
  
Midorima aimed the basketball at Takao's head and shot it with a gruff expression, hitting the small boy dead on, talking over Takao's shrieks.  
  
"If your news has anything to do with illegal substances then I do not want to hear this."  
  
"Ooooooh what about...LEGAL SUBSTANCES?"  
  
"You know what, why not, tell me about your legal substances Kazunari."  
  
"Hah SIKE! My news ain't about legal substances! Bitch you thought."  
  
Miyaji paused his breathing exercises to raise a pineapple coloured eyebrow.  
  
"What the fuck is wrong with him?"  
  
Otsubo did a little shrug and then shushed his lover.  
  
"Not in front of him." Otsubo hissed and Takao beamed as Miyaji glared at him like a mom that had to wait until the family was home to scream some sense into her child.  
  
Kimura pulled his jacket on and looked like he was internally debating whether or not to stay for Takao's 'wonderful' news.  
  
He eventually decided that it was worth it and stayed for Takao's news that apparently wasn't about illegal or legal substances much to everyone's relief.  
  
"So Takao! Your news?"  
  
Takao tried to do a team huddle but got lightly punched in the face repeatedly by Miyaji when he tried to come near the guy. Takao seemed to get the hint after a couple punches and somehow coaxed his strange team into a semi circle.  
  
"Alright fam!"  
  
"Fam?"  
  
"...family!"  
  
"Like hell I'm related to any of you weirdos!"  
  
"I mean Miyaji's already such a mom-"  
  
_"MOMMYAJI!"_  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! CALL ME THAT AGAIN AND I'LL...K-KILL YOU!"  
  
"Alright, that's great!" Takao said and clapped his hands together, not really listening to Miyaji. "Miyaji senpai's our mom and Otsubo senpai's our daddy...and Mommyaji's daddy as well-don't pretend that we all can't hear you fucking in the locker rooms after practice y'all nasty-and I'm the cool gay cousin that everyone wants to be-"  
  
"Kazunari." Midorima said and the way he said it made it sound like he was saying something really disappointing like 'the avatar movie' or 'my social life'. "Didn't you have news to tell us?"  
  
"And Kimura senpai would be the chill brother that no ones really sure where he is half the time but it's cool 'cause he's chill as HECK!" Takao exclaimed ignoring Midorima.  
  
"Um...thanks?" Kimura said.  
  
"Mommyaji..." Miyaji repeated looking disgusting. "What a fucking joke. Oh shit! Hey guys why aren't you wearing your jackets it's cold as balls outside! We have a damn game next week, don't blame me when you all have colds!" He yelled to the first years who were leaving the gym. They rolled their eyes but pulled their jackets on regardless.  
  
"That was kinda a mom thing to do." Otsubo pointed out and immediately cowered under his boyfriends absolutely milk curdling glare.  
  
Midorima tried not to smile at this strange team that _DEFINITELY WAS NOT GROWING ON HIM WHATSOEVER._  
  
_"Oh em gee!_ Is Shin-chan smiling? I NEED TO GET A PICTURE! Hahaha I'm kidding oh my god Shin-chan please babe I'm sorry."  
  
Midorima sighed and rubbed the vintage coin -his lucky item for today of course- vigorously, trying to absorb as much luck as he could from it.  
  
"Kazunari. If you do not tell us your 'news' in the next five seconds I will guarantee that you will wake up tomorrow in a river."  
  
"...kinky."  
  
"DAMNIT KAZUNARI JUST TELL US ALL YOUR NEWS!"  
  
Takao rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly.  
  
"I guess I have been stalling a bit...the thing is..."  
  
"I..."  
  
Kimura raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Need...."  
  
Otsubo backed away a little.  
  
"Someone..."  
  
Miyaji backed away a lot.  
  
"Togotothemallwithmetodayandbabysitmysisterforthewholeevening."  
  
_"Not it!"_ Miyaji, Otsubo and Kimura shouted simultaneously, demonstrating more teamwork in their synchronized yelling than they ever had on court, before bolting out of the gym leaving Shuutokou's infamous duo alone.  
  
"Sooooooooo~ I guess it's a date?"  
  
"Go die."  
  
"Great! We'll pick you up at 6!"

  
  
_Monday June 4th_

_  
6:14 pm_

  
  
Taco: yo yo YO  
  
Taco: GUESS WHERE I AM RN  
  
BlackWidHoe: the mall?  
  
Taco: hoLY FUCK HOWD U KNOW  
  
Taco: BURN THE WITCH  
  
BlackWidHoe: tbh being called a witch ain't an insult anymore I'll hex ur flat ass and then stab u with my broomstick don't fuckin try me  
  
Taco: 1) we have talked about the fullness of booty  
  
Taco: there is a time and place to talk about my ass and unfortunately rn is not one of them  
  
BlackWidHoe: lmao okay then  
  
Taco: anyways  
  
Taco: HOW TF DO U KNOW IM AT THE MALL  
  
BlackWidHoe: so theres this thing called snap chat  
  
BlackWidHoe: which yOU NEVER FUCKIN STOP UPDATING  
  
Taco: listen,,,i have hundreds of fans that are dying to see whats going on in my life,,,not my fault people take an interest in my life!!!  
  
SockSenpai: i thought u had friends on snapchat, not fans?  
  
Taco: (Kasaaaaaaaa thats the joke!)  
  
SockSenpai: (ah.)  
  
SockSenpai: (well its not a very funny joke.)  
  
BlackWidHoe: HAH GET WRECKT  
  
Taco: SHUT UR FACE HOLE  
  
Taco: Kasa u wound me D:  
  
SockSenpai: good.  
  
PunPrince: NOW HOLD ON WAIT BACK UP WAIT HOLD UP WAIT JUST A DIDDLY DARN SECOND  
  
PunPrince: kazus snap chat story doesnt have anything to do with him being at the mall!  
  
PunPrince: his last snap was him AT home taking a mirror selfie of his OOTD  
  
PunPrince: which he looked rlly fucking cute in btw A+ fashion choice babe the beanie made u look so hot  
  
Taco: thx babe  <3  
  
PunPrince: np love  
  
SockSenpai: 'ootd'?  
  
BlackWidHoe: outfit of the day lmao keep up old man  
  
SockSenpai: why cant ur boyfriend just keep u on a leash ur just a mess to be honest.  
  
Taco:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
BlackWidHoe: a leash huh :) ill mention that to Shoi tonight  
  
Taco: * ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) intensifies*  
  
SockSenpai: you damn kids always sexualizing everything! you know what i meant! leash like...a pg 13 leash!  
  
BlackWidHoe: yknow seto thought that pg stood for 'pretty gay' for the longest time  
  
PunPrince: u trying to tell us it doesnt?  
  
BlackWidHoe: ??? yes??? shut the fuck ur hoe mouth u know v well what it stands for dont try to be all pretty and dumb that shit only works for reo  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Hey now! Reo might pretend to be all ditzy on the outside but on the inside she's one of the most smartest most cunning people I know!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Just last week she tricked me into eating seaweed, a feat only a true mastermind could accomplish!  
  
BlackWidHoe: lmao alright sure u have the 'facts' but everyones entitled to their own opinion and my opinion is reos a dumb bitch  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Well my opinion is that you're a bully.  
  
SockSenpai: my opinion is that if kise doesnt stop signing autographs soon im gonna shove the pen up his ass.  
  
SockSenpai: ...i just realized my mistake...  
  
Taco: my opinion is that mikasa is kinky as fUCK  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and i approve  
  
SockSenpai: my second opinion is that I DONT APPROVE  
  
PunPrince: my opinion is that Hyuuga looks pretty swag in his baseball hat rn  
  
*PunPrince sent a photo*  
  
BlackWidHoe: my opinion is that ur photography skills are pretty shit lol  
  
PunPrince: MY OPINION IS THAT UR A FUCKIN BITCH  
  
Taco: my opinion is that shin chan looks good in the black fedora  
  
TheShadyKing: my opinion is that he looks better in the white one :-)

  
  
"What the fuck." Takao breathed and dropped his phone in a basket full of socks and whirled around, eyes scanning the store to try and find the demon captain or at least a camera that the creep had planted to spy on him with.  
  
"Kazunari what the hell are you doing? And silence your phone it's annoying!"  
  
Takao ignored the sound of his phone blowing up with messages and looked at Midorima with wild eyes.  
  
"Shin-chan! Do you see Touou's ex captain anywhere?"  
  
"You mean Imayoshi-san? No...why on earth would he be here anyways? This is the worst place I've ever stepped foot it!"  
  
"It's the dollar store! Is your rich ass too good to step foot in a 'peasant' store?"  
  
"Do not speak to me like that! And this is Japan, is this not supposed to be the 100 yen store or something similar?"  
  
"Hey now! Don't go breaking the fourth wall Shin-chan! We already have a plot to focus on right now?"  
  
_"What? Plot? Kazunari are you high again?"_  
  
"NO I AM NOT HIGH! Why does everyone think I'm on drugs all the time? Just because I say something that makes sense occasionally doesn't mean I'm all fucked up y'know?"  
  
"...so you are high."  
  
_"Yeahhhhh."_  
  
"...I need to go...forever...I hope you find Touou's captain because I am not staying behind to help you find him."  
  
"NO BABY STAY! Oh god I'm kidding Shin-chan...hey you're not actually leaving are you? I was joking! I'm not on drugs! Don't do drugs kids! Drugs make you ugly! Awww Shin-chan wait! Why you gotta be like this Shin-chan? So pretty yet so awful yet so perfect!"  
  
"Go. Die."  
  
"Ahhhh I love you too. Now I'm glad you're staying because I have a secret to tell you."  
  
"Does this have anything to do with the bodies of the deceased?"  
  
"No?"  
  
"Alright. I will listen to this secret."  
  
"Well the thing is...I may have lost my sister..."

  
  
_6:31 pm_

  
  
BlackWidHoe: so when is takao and his blind ass gonna realize that we're right behind him lmao  
  
Imayoshi wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and grinned a satisfied grin as he watched Takao flip out as he realized he was being watched.  
  
"How long do you think it'll take him to realize we're not even 20 feet away from him?"  
  
"I dunno, a normal person would take less than a minute but his dumbass is probably gonna be looking 'till the store closes probably." Hanamiya laughed and idly scrolled through the group chat, having stopped messaging on it as soon as Izuki started schooling Akashi and Kasamatsu on memes.  
  
"Why are we even here? Did ya follow Takao and his strange boy toy into this store to creep them our did ya actually have something ya needed to buy?" Imayoshi asked.  
  
Hanamiya waved his hands around the air dramatically, phone clutched tightly in his pale hands as he wiggled around for emphasis.  
  
"This place has the best WIFI outta all the store in this shit mall. Don't judge me old man."  
  
"You know what Shun calls wifi? Wee-fee. He's so cute~"  
  
Hanamiya froze at the mentioned of Izuki's name and pressed his lips against Imayoshi's in a heated kiss before pulling away and glaring at his smirking boyfriend.  
  
"That's not cute. That's dumb as fuck. And what have I told you about talking about 'him' when I'm around?" Hanamiya reminded his lover in an icy voice.  
  
"I'm not allowed to talk about anyone that you deem as a threat to when you're around because you get insanely jealous?" Imayoshi snickered as his boyfriend watched him with a tight expression. "Right?"  
  
"I'm not jealous." Hanamiya snapped. And to prove his not jealousy Hanamiya pushed his boyfriend against the wall and forced Imayoshi's mouth open so he could stuff his tongue down it and claim his boyfriend in the most disgusting slobbery way possible.  
  
Imayoshi seemed to be s pro multi tasker as one of his hands gripped Hanamiya's long hair and tugged sharply, the other going up the smaller boys shirt, neither of them quite giving a shit that they were in public as they moved their bodies together like two seriously horny bunnies just going at it in their play pen.  
  
Hanamiya had just unbuttoned Imayoshi's pants when he heard a small voice from behind them.  
  
"E-excuse me? Can you h-help me? I lost my brother!" A little girl sniffled and Hanamiya awkwardly pulled his hands away from Imayoshi's privates and Imayoshi quickly adjusted his boyfriends shirt so he was more covered.  
  
Hanamiya had always felt a weird soft spot for kids, which was really strange because he was an only child and had little to no cousins and also because he was mother fucking Hanamiya and he was a terrible person overall who looked like he hated everything that breathed, but he couldn't help but feel his cold heart ache for this little girl so he knelt down next to her and tried to smile at her.  
  
"Hey now, don't be sad. Where's your dumba-I mean, do you remember where you saw your brother last?"  
  
The girl sniffed loudly and shook her head causing her two braids to swing wildly and nearly smack Hanamiya. If it had been anyone else Hanamiya wouldn't ripped their braids out but the little one looked so sad and scared and helpless he couldn't do anything but smile at her.  
  
"Me and my boyfriend are gonna help you find your brother." Hanamiya reassured her and scooped her up into his arms and held her high so she could scope out the store at a better angle to try and find her sibling. "Isn't that right Shoi?"  
  
Hanamiya turned his mildly kind yet 100% creepy smile towards Imayoshi. Any lesser being would've shit their pants and ran away screaming but luckily Imayoshi was not a lesser being and he instead smiled a smile that screamed _'holy shit a small human that caught me about to fuck my boyfriend needs our help. what the fuck. worst date ever.'_  
  
"Of course we'll help ya!"

  
  
_6:40 pm_

Taco: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SISTER  
  
Taco: IVE LOST MY SISTER  
  
Taco: HAS ANYONE SEEN HER  
  
Tack: SHES RLLY SMOL AND LOOKS LIKE ME AND SHES RLLY CUTE AND PURE AND SWEET I HOPE SHES OKAY DAMNIT  
  
Taco: ME AND SHIN CHAN HAVE LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR HER BUT WE CANT FIND HER  
  
Taco: I WOULD ASK THE PEOPLE AT CUSTOMER SERVICE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR HER BUT THEY DONT LIKE ME CUZ THEY CAUGHT ME AND SHUN TAKING 'INAPPROPRIATE' PHOTOS WITH THEIR MANNEQUINS LAST YEAR SO I DONT TRUST THEM  
  
SockSenpai: i dont have the best experience with mannequins.  
  
Taco: NO ONE DOES TBH  
  
Taco: where IS MY SISTER  
  
Taco: MY MOM IS GONNA FUCKIN WHOOP ME IF I COME HOME WITH NO SISTER  
  
BlackWidHoe: Takao  
  
BlackWidHoe: look behind u dumbass  
  
Taco: wAaHT THE FUCK DO UE WNAT  
  
Taco: OMGGGFFFGSBSMAKSKSOOSOSOSOWKSSNSBSHUS  
  
PunPrince: he gets that from me :D

  
  
Hanamiya balanced the little girl on his hips and Imayoshi tickled her cheeks, smiling as she squealed and laughed happily, seemingly forgetting about her lost brother as Imayoshi entertained her.  
  
"Yuki, you said your brother looks just like you right? Do you have anymore details on him 'cause there are a lot of fu-freaking boys here that look like that."  
  
Imayoshi chuckled at Hanamiya's slip up and Hanamiya nudged him softly. Well it was soft to Hanamiya but to Imayoshi it felt like being impaled in the penis by a glass shard.  
  
Yuki looked deep in thought, chewing on the ends of her hair before she answered.  
  
"He had a big green boy with him!"  
  
Hanamiya looked at Imayoshi.  
  
Imayoshi looked at Hanamiya.  
  
"Holy shit."  
  
"AHHHHHHH SHIN CHAN HANAMEME AND IMAYOSHIT FOUND HER!!! THEY HAVE MY SISTER!"  
  
Takao shrieked and stuffed his phone into his pocket and grabbed Midorima by the shoulders and shook him as hard as he could not even caring about the consequences.  
  
"Wait...who has your sister?"  
  
"HANAMEME!"  
  
"I don't know who- _or WHAT_ \- that is Kazunari-"  
  
"AND IMAYOSHIT!"  
  
"Repeating it loudly won't make me understand-"  
  
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THEY PROBABLY KIDNAPPED MY POOR SISTER AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA WANT A RANSOM FROM ME, SHIN CHAN IM A BROKE ASS BITCH HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY A RANSOM IM GONNA HAVE TO DROP OUTTA SCHOOL AND BECOME A STRIPPER BUT MY THIGHS ARENT THICK AND STRONG ENOUGH TO WORK THE POLE AH FUCK ME IM SO DEAD!"  
  
Midorima blinked slowly, trying to comprehend all the information that had been verbally thrown at him by Takao.  
  
"No one needs to become a stripper." Midorima said looking a bit awkward as he said the s word. "I'm sure they wouldn't want a ransom but if they do I'm sure we can find a bank that's willing to give us a loan-"  
  
_"Takao."_  
  
Takao froze at the sound of Hanamiya's voice and tried not to whimper as Kirisaki Daichi's captain grabbed his shoulder and tried to force him to turn around.  
  
Takao's sister giggled happily into Imayoshi's chest.  
  
"Onii-chan! Look at my new friends! Aren't they nice!"  
  
At the sound of his precious sisters voice Takao unfroze and snatched Yuki from Imayoshi's arms and held her close, weeping softly.  
  
"I'm never leaving you alone again!" He declared and his sister squirmed in his tight grip, trying to get back to her new friends.  
  
"Onii-chan you poop head let go of me! Mako-chan said he would take me to the park so let go of me!"  
  
"Aw Yuki, I said I'd take you to the park if we never found your brother-"  
  
"CAN WE PRETEND WE NEVER FOUND HIM THEN?"  
  
"YUKI DON'T BE RUDE!"  
  
Hanamiya laughed as he hugged the girl goodbye before glaring at Takao.  
  
"Hey fuck wad, take better care of your sister next time."  
  
Yuki, who was clinging to Hanamiya's leg, giggled loudly at Hanamiya calling her brother out.  
  
Takao decided not to provoke the beast and instead bowed.  
  
"Thank you my good sir for returning my sister without kidnapping her and making me pay millions to get her back."  
  
"Now there's an idea..." Hanamiya mused and cackled as he saw the blood drain from Takao's face.  
  
"I'm kidding you fuck ass. Now I need to go. Got lives to ruin, men to destroy, y'know the usual."  
  
Midorima had been strangely quiet the whole time and had awkwardly stared at his feet the whole time 'cause he had felt left out as he was not a part of the point guard squad so when he finally looked up he was surprised to find Imayoshi staring at him.  
  
Imayoshi waved at Midorima. Midorima stared at him for a long moment before something clicked in his mind.  
  
"Ah, so you're Touou's ex captain! I applaud you for taking care of Aomine, I know he can be more than a handful at times. Imayoshit-san huh?"  
  
Imayoshi sighed.  
  
"I'd appreciate it if ya crazy kids would stop calling me that! Hahaha but no for real, me and Mako-chan were on a date before all this shit happened so I'd like it if we could resume our date now? Thanks a bunch." Imayoshi said with his trademark unsettling smile.  
  
"Of course. We should get going as well, right Kazunari?"  
  
"Yeah! Yuki let go of Hanamiya's leg oh my god. It was sorta nice talking to you guys? Talk to y'all on the group chat!"  
  
Yuki shrieked and threw herself at Midorima who reluctantly picked her up and left the store with Takao hot on their heels, looking a lot like a married couple with their troublesome daughter to anyone who didn't know them.  
  
"Well," Imayoshi said cheerfully. "That totally killed my boner. Can we go to Victoria's Secret now?"  
  
"Y'know if I didn't actually need a new sports bra I'd stab you for suggesting it so consider yourself lucky."  
  
7: 08 pm  
  
Taco: UPDATE  
  
Taco: I FOUND MY SISTER  
  
PunPrince: YAY  
  
Taco: she was with hanameme and imayoshit who would've thunk lol  
  
SockSenpai: *thought  
  
SockSenpai: anyways im glad you found your sister takao  
  
SockSenpai: i dunno what she did to get you as a brother...poor girl  
  
Taco: IM so hAPPY I AINT EVEN MAD KASA  
  
FuriKou: sorry i wasnt online earlier but i took an extra shift at work!!! and omg it mustve been super scary to lose ur sister takao!!! im glad u found her!!!  
  
PunPrince: FURIIIIIII  
  
PunPrince: MA SON  
  
PunPrince: WANT US TO PICK U UP FROM THE BOOK STORE AND TAKE U HOME?  
  
SockSenpai: whos _'us'?_  
  
FuriKou: no its okay Senpai...im kinda busy rn...  
  
PunPrince: me, Teppei and Junpei!  
  
SockSenpai: ah i see.  
  
PunPrince: furiiiii what u up to son?  
  
FuriKou: ah well u see...its kinda hard to explain...

  
  
"Furi-chaaaaaan~ who're you texting?" Reo cooed and Furihata panicked and nearly dropped his phone into his cup of tea.  
  
"It's not polite to be on your phone when you're eating with other people." Mayuzumi smirked and Furihata shrunk in his seat and mumbled an apology.  
  
"Oh let him live mayonnaise!" Hayama laughed and gave Furihata a toothy grin. "Plus that's hella hypocritical of you isn't it? Mr. I read hentai during team dinners?"  
  
As Mayuzumi sputtered and Hayama and Nebuya laughed at the white haired boys perverted ways Furihata looked around the table at Reo who was trying to comfort his boyfriend and Akashi who sat with a pleasant smile, completely unbothered by his team's strange behaviour.  
  
As soon as Furihata had finished his shift at the bookstore he had been ambushed by Hayama who had recognized him from their last minute and wouldn't stop jumping up and down and yelling until Furihata agreed to meet with the rest of his team.  
  
Furihata was all wobbly knees as Hayama took him to where Rakuzan was having an evening tea in an incredibly expensive cafe that Furihata had never even looked twice at let alone ever have eaten there before.  
  
Reo and Akashi had greeted him at the door, both of them looking quite good in their casual clothes, Reo in a cleavage bearing blouse and floral patterned shorts and Akashi in a simple button down with a nice pair of skinny jeans.  
  
To Furihata's surprise Akashi had strode forward and pulled him into a hug before Reo could even greet him.  
  
Furihata had stood frozen as Akashi embraced him tightly and whispered in his ear;  
  
"Do you know what Reo's pronouns are today?"  
  
Furihata managed a small head shake.  
  
"Reo feels feminine today, got it?" Akashi murmured and released Furihata with a satisfied smile when the brunet nodded.  
  
"I never knew you and Furi were friends through your guy's weird group chat but I never knew you two were that close!" Hayama exclaimed and Akashi winked at Furihata who giggled at the boys dorkiness.  
  
Reo looked between the both of them, looking thoroughly confused before she stepped forwards with open arms towards Furihata.  
  
"It's great to see you again Furi-chan!" Reo said with genuine happiness and squeezed Furihata tightly. Furihata wasn't sure whether to thank god or curse everything for their height difference as his face rubbed against Reo's ample chest. Oh titty, Furihata thought, blushing furiously as Akashi and Hayama laughed at his dilemma.  
  
The girl let go of him and grabbed his hand and led him towards the table where the rest of Rakuzan was, people parting immediately for Reo who looked sorta like royalty with her long legs and her sculpted body and perfect face.  
  
"Sorry about telling you Reo's pro nouns in such an abrupt way, but Reo has been very...tense about her self lately ever since her encounter with Seirin's captain even after he apologized to her and Chihiro. I wanted to make sure you don't accidentally misgender her." Akashi explained.  
  
Furihata glanced at Reo who was walking with a sensual, powerful sway of her hips. It was hard to believe a couple of words from Hyuuga could tear down such a confident beautiful girl but according to Akashi it had taken Reo a while to bounce back to her usual perky happy self.  
  
"I'm g-glad she's feeling better then!" Furihata said and tried not to make it obvious he was searching for an exit in this place.  
  
"Hey Furi don't look so scared! Akashit here was worried that he still scared you and he's been trying to fix all his fucked up relationships so that's why you're gonna have some food with us and chill! If anything goes wrong you can blame Akashit 'cause he told me to basically kidnap you!" Hayama chirped and Furihata must've looked horrified because Hayama laughed and had punched him lightly.  
  
_"Kidding~"_  
  
"Thanks Koutarou." Akashi said dryly and then turned to Furihata with a surprisingly gentle smile.  
  
"You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I don't want to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with."  
  
Maybe it was Akashi's kindness, or Reo's beauty, or Hayama's contagious energy or the overall delicious smell of the food but Furihata had decided to stay.  
  
As he sat down between Akashi and Mayuzumi at their table in the far back of the cafe Furihata couldn't help but laugh with the rest of them as Nebuya inhaled plate after plate of food and then complained when the bill was so high, how Reo and Mayuzumi were involved in a very intense game of footsies under the table, and how Hayama and Nebuya teamed up together to roast the hell outta Mayuzumi.  
  
As the uncrowned kings plus Mayuzumi got into a very intense debate about coffee vs tea, Akashi turned to Furihata and smiled at him through the steam rising up from his cup.  
  
"You look like you're enjoying yourself." Akashi pointed out at Furihata smiled at his half eaten macaroon.  
  
"I am." He said softly and pushed his plate to Nebuya who stuffed the pastry in his mouth before resuming his argument.  
  
"That's good." Akashi said and took an elegant sip from his cup before placing it in the exact middle of his plate ( _how the hell did he manage to do that?_ ) and tapped Furihata's wrist gently.  
  
"How are things going with your brother and his girlfriend?"  
  
"I mean they're doing r-really well which is good because he's less mopey and my mom is happy 'cause Tadashi's happy and-"  
  
"Furihata-kun." Akashi said, voice louder than Furihata would've liked as he didn't want anyone to overhear this conversation about his private life. "I meant how is their relationship affecting you?"  
  
"Oh! Haha I knew that...I mean they've stopped r-rubbing it in my face but Kiyoshi senpai and Izuki senpai are dating now so I'm constantly surrounded by their affection-"  
  
"HOLD UP!" Nebuya shouted and Mayuzumi looked kinda dead inside as he sunk down in his seat so only the top of his bitter white head of hair was visible. "Kiyoshi's dating...who?"  
  
Reo pulled Mayuzumi up from under the table with a disgusted look.  
  
"Chi chan what have I told you about hiding under the table? Stop that! Anyways, Ei-chan don't you remember Seirin's point guard during our match?"  
  
"Was he cute?" Nebuya asked bluntly and Hayama coughed loudly.  
  
"I MEAN NOT THAT I CARE!" Nebuya added hastily and Hayama smiled in a pleased sort of way.  
  
_Was Izuki senpai cute?_ Furihata thought and then nodded. _Izuki senpai was definitely cute._  
  
Akashi and Mayuzumi seems to agree.  
  
"Yeah he was like super Asian- what? Reo stop looking at me like that! He was totally Japanese looking!"  
  
Reo rolled her eyes but sighed.  
  
"Yes he was very Japanese looking, way to reduce the boy to a stereotype."  
  
"Aw fuck babe, whatever I'm sorry-"  
  
"You're digging yourself a grave mayonnaise just shut the hell up."  
  
Surprisingly Mayuzumi shut up. He didn't want his titty touching privileges provoked.  
  
"Izuki is very pretty. Not as pretty as Reo of course but he's very pleasing to look at." Akashi said and Furihata agreed and then wondered if Akashi thought he was pleasing to look at.  
  
"Oh! I think I remember him! Yeah he was cute, not as cute as some people I know but still, boy was alright. Kiyoshi got lucky with that one." Nebuya remarked before licking his plate.  
  
Everyone else seemed to ignore Nebuya's gluttonous behavior so Furihata did too.  
  
"Yeah Izuki's cute but nowhere near as cute as my girl." Mayuzumi said in an effort to win Reo's heart back and got his girlfriend to kiss him on the cheek softly.  
  
_"Ah, what am I gonna do with this boy?"_ Reo said in French and Furihata probably looked like he had a bunch of question marks above his head because Reo and Akashi shared a laugh and Reo explained.  
  
"Honey, I'm half French!"  
  
"Reo-nee's great at shit talking 'cause she can talk bad about everyone and they have no clue!"  
  
_"Except me."_ Akashi said in French and Furihata felt like his brain was going to explode.  
  
"Aw shit they're talking in French again aren't they? Fuck that, I hate it when they do that."  
  
_"You didn't hate it last night."_ Reo purred in French and Akashi and her shared a giggle as everyone else looked at each other, obviously confused at what they were laughing at.  
  
"You speak French?!?!?" Furihata asked and Akashi nodded.  
  
"I'm bilingual. I speak French, German -my mothers side of the family is German- and English." Akashi said in Japanese and Furihata felt a bit like Izuki as a hoe thought wormed its way into his brain.  
  
_Mhmmm he can speak all those sexy languages? Time to drop my panties!_ Furihata's hoe side said and Furihata's normal side cursed Izuki and Takao for implanting a hoe side into his brain.  
  
"Well I grew up speaking both Spanish and Japanese but I don't know anything as cool as German or french! C-can you guys speak any other languages?"  
  
"Hayama here is fluent in talking shit." Mayuzumi said dryly and Nebuya and Furihata burst out laughing as Hayama threw his donut at the poker faced college boy.  
  
As Furihata laughed into his hands, Akashi exchanged a look with Reo.  
  
_"His laugh is so adorable."_ Akashi breathed in French and Reo shook her head with a sigh and a smile.  
  
_"You're so whipped Sei-chan."_

  
  
7:20 pm

  
  
PunPrince: okay guys can yall tell me which shirt is better on Teppei  
  
_*PunPrince sent a photo*_  
  
PunPrince: number uno?  
  
_*PunPrince sent a photo*_  
  
PunPrince: or number twono?  
  
SockSenpai: -_- Izuki i dont know any Spanish but i know thats NOT how you say two.  
  
SockSenpai: i like the first one btw  
  
SockSenpai: so does Ryouta  
  
PunPrince: Kise is with u eh????  
  
SockSenpai: fuck off he had an autograph signing and asked me to come its not a date especially when he has hundreds of screaming fan girls throwing themselves at him i barely have time to talk to him  
  
PunPrince: MHMMM KASA U REEK OF JEALOUSY  
  
PunPrince: thx for the opinions btw im still gonna buy numero twono btw hahahaha  
  
SockSenpai: fuck you shun  
  
PunPrince: HAH NOPE I got me a sexy man for that~  
  
SockSenpai: -_- howre you and Kiyoshi anyways?  
  
PunPrince: FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT :D

  
  
Izuki pressed his lips to his boyfriends in a slow sensual kiss.  
  
"Mhm Shun, aren't there cameras in here?" Kiyoshi whispered as Izuki pushed him down and crawled into his lap.  
  
"That's part of the fun Teppei." Izuki whispered and coaxed Kiyoshi to grab his ass as they kissed.  
  
"You're so sexy." Kiyoshi murmured against Izuki's lips. "I'm so glad you're mine."  
  
"Me too babe." Izuki whispered back and started to unbutton Kiyoshi's pants when Hyuuga banged on the door like the cock block he was.  
  
"YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TRYING YOUR CLOTHES ON FOR 20 MINUTES! ...you guys aren't trying clothes on are you?"  
  
Izuki made an obnoxious slurping noise, pretending that he was sucking some serious dick and Hyuuga gagged and walked away from the door.  
  
"Forget I ever asked!"  
  
Kiyoshi laughed and plucked his boyfriend from his lap and set him on the bench as he started cleaning up their items.  
  
"Was it really a good idea to bring Junpei along?"  
  
"Aw c'mon..." Izuki pouted as Kiyoshi folded a t shirt up. "Don't tell me you're bailing on _'Operation drag Junpei outta the closet'_?"  
  
"Of course not! I just think we should coax him into our relationship instead of making him think we're having intercourse in a change room."  
  
Izuki had to admit his cute boyfriend had a point.  
  
"Well maybe we can have him meet some more homosexuals™ that he can warm up to? Kasa told me that Kise is having an autograph signing near here so we could check it out?"  
  
Kiyoshi smiled warmly at his small lover.  
  
"That's a great idea Shun."  
  
"I know~ do I get a kiss because of my great idea. Please tell me I do."  
  
Kiyoshi laughed and pecked him on the forehead and Izuki squirmed happily as Kiyoshi's buff arms held him close for a moment before they parted.  
  
"You go ahead love. I'll stay behind and clean things up." Kiyoshi said and Izuki swooned.  
  
"You're so good to me!" Izuki felt truly _#blessed_ to have such an amazing man in his life.  
  
And with that Izuki opened the creaky door of the change room and skipped outside to where Hyuuga was waiting with a sullen face as he held Izuki's phone in his hand.  
  
"Kaijo's shooting guard is texting you." Hyuuga said looking hella emo. "He's asking you to lunch next week."  
  
Izuki was glowing like a pregnant woman as he eagerly read the texts. Or he glowed like a freshly lit lantern. Yeah that was a better comparison.  
  
Kiyoshi, who had finished sorting out their items, emerged from the changing room and peered over Izuki's shoulder.  
  
"Oh would you look at that!" Kiyoshi exclaimed and shot Hyuuga a winning smile. "Mori wants to meet you for lunch next Saturday. I'm free then, are you free then?" Kiyoshi asked in a loud rehearsed voice.  
  
"Why the hell are you talking like that-"  
  
"I am! What a coincidence!" Izuki said cheerily. "Would you like to join me in having lunch with Yoshi next Saturday?"  
  
"I would love to!"  
  
They both turned to Hyuuga with big smiles.  
  
"Junpei!" Izuki grabbed his friends arm and squeezed lightly. "You wanna hang out with me, Teppei and Yoshi next week? It'll be an _ASS LOAD OF FUN!"_  
  
Hyuuga smiled a little at that.  
  
"I mean if it'll be an assload of fun..." Hyuuga laughed. "I'm in, sure, why the hell not."  
  
Kiyoshi and Izuki high fived in the most cheesy way possible.  
  
"Great! I'll text Yoshi all the deets!"  
  
While Izuki was engrossed in his phone, Kiyoshi bumped his elbow against Hyuuga's.  
  
"Did you hear that Kise's having his autograph signing right around here? We should check it out and be supportive y'know!"  
  
Hyuuga rolled his eyes.  
  
"No. I'm tired let's head home-"  
  
"I heard Kasamatsu's gonna be there~"  
  
Hyuuga cursed his weakness for Kaijo's captain.  
  
"Fuck it, I guess we can stay a little longer.

  
  
_7: 52 pm_

  
SockSenpai: hey Izuki the signings nearly over so if u wanna check it out u better come fast  
  
PunPrince: oh ill come fast alright  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
SockSenpai: U SICK OVER SEXUALIZED KIDS i hate y'all  
  
PunPrince: yeah yeah whatever u love me~  
  
SockSenpai: go die

  
  
Kise groaned loudly as he rested his face on the desk he had been signing autographs on for the past two hours.  
  
Kise's hands twitched as he wailed.  
  
"Yukio! My hand hurts! Please help me?"  
  
Kasamatsu sighed but took Kise's hands in his and started gently massaging the blonds sore joints in a strangely tender gesture.  
  
"You alright?"  
  
"Yeahhhhhhhh but I might need an excuse note from school...forever." Kise said cheekily and Kasamatsu chuckled as he rubbed Kise's sore fingers.  
  
"At least you made hundreds of your screaming fan girls happy." Kasamatsu pointed out and Kise just sighed.  
  
"The price of happiness is painful." He moaned and Kasamatsu laughed at Kise's overdramatic pout.  
  
A shadow appeared over the two and Kasamatsu turned his head, expecting to see Izuki but raising an eyebrow when he saw two of the most unexpected people he'd ever thought would be there in front of him.  
  
"Uh...hey...Fukui right?"  
  
The small dirty blond point guard shifted uncomfortably as both Kise and Kasamatsu stared at him.  
  
"Hey...you remember me right?"  
  
"Of course!" Kise chirped. "Murasakibara-chhi talks about you a lot! Said you stole his snacks a lot."  
  
"Heh...yeah that fuckin' giant...what a mess. Anyways...um..."  
  
"Don't beat around the bush." Kasamatsu sighed. "Why are you here man?"  
  
"Well...it's kinda funny...hah the thing is..."  
  
"Kensuke would like to request an autograph from Kise-san. He is a big fan of yours."  
  
Kasamatsu had been so busy staring at Fukui and trying to figure out why he was here to notice the other player behind Fukui, which was strange considering the boy behind Fukui was massive.  
  
Wei Liu towered over everyone but not in a frightening way. He had a cool half smile on his face and his posture was relaxed as he pushed Fukui forward and coaxed the boy to get Kise's autograph.  
  
"Well...you want an autograph? Um sorry just wasn't expecting that ahaha...but the thing is I'm kind of tired and my session is over and I just-"  
  
"Please." Fukui snapped and immediately changed his tone to something softer. "I really fucking like you, you're cool as shit. C'mon Kasamatsu, point guard to point guard. One autograph won't kill you!"  
  
"Kensuke, you might want to relax before asking for his autograph. Politely."  
  
Fukui glared at the taller boy but pushed the slip of paper in front of Kise and forced a smile.  
  
"Please? Look I'm not even gonna fuckin' pretend this is for the sister I don't have. C'mon dude, you're really cool and it would mean the world if you gave me your fuckin' name on this paper?"  
  
Kise pulled his hand from Kasamatsu's and quickly scribbled his name onto the paper before adding a silly doodle and a tiny note to Fukui in the corner of the page.  
  
"Here you go." Kise said quietly. "Enjoy."  
  
Fukui grabbed the paper and stared down at it with a seriously adorable grin and he did a little bounce before he cleared his throat and tucked the paper neatly in his pocket.  
  
"Thank you so much." Wei said and did a nice little bow. On anyone else it would've looked sarcastic as hell but he looked genuinely thankful.  
  
"No prob." Kise said and Kasamatsu nodded in agreement.  
  
Kasamatsu heard delighted shouts from across the hall and looked around Fukui to see Izuki running towards them with Kiyoshi and Hyuuga behind them.  
  
Fukui turned as well and his face turned white.  
  
"Shit we need to go-"  
  
"Wait!" Kasamatsu said and grabbed Fukui's wrist, preventing him from escaping. "Since Ryouta signed your paper -even though he didn't have to- you need to do something for us?"  
  
Wei raised a thin eyebrow and Fukui looked irritated.  
  
"Alright...what?"  
  
Kasamatsu looked down at his phone to where there were several notifications blinking up at him -probably from the point guard group chat- and his eyes travelled from his phone to Izuki who looked so happy to Fukui who looked ready to bolt as soon as he was surrounded by too many people.  
  
"You're a point guard right? I want you to join the point guard group chat!"  
  
_"Eh?!?!?!"_


	9. love me some casual point guards doing casual point guard things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6: 01 am
> 
>  
> 
> FukuiK: you know how 'blackwidhoe' said that they have four regrets
> 
>  
> 
> FukuiK: well i have like a fuckin million

"So, I saw this one video on YouTube-"

 

"Oh em gee Reo-nee knows what YouTube is."

 

Reo rolled her beautiful eyes as Hayama nearly laughed his freshly painted manicure off.

 

"I'm kidding~ everyone knows you're hip as fu-heck Reo-nee!" Hayama was quick to cover up his cursing in front of his prudish friend which Reo appreciated greatly.  


 

Reo shot Nijimura a look that said _'see what I have to deal with everyday'_ and the former captain smiled. This team really reminded him of Teiko and Nijimura wasn't sure if that was good thing or not. I mean they were less colorful in the hair department but they seemed a colorful bunch regardless. Oh god, he was starting to sound like Himuro during the time they both got high in L.A. Ah...Himuro...not now penis damnit!  


 

Y'all are probably like, why the heck fuck is Niji here? And the reason is because ~~I love to torture myself and add more characters than necessary~~ he had just flown back from America and contacted Akashi to pick him up because lets be real any sane person would rather drive around town in Akashi's limo than hold onto Aomine as he maneuvered the streets on his hover board that was more tape than hover or board. Akashi currently wasn't in the room which sucked major balls because Nijimura had to chill with a bunch of strangers but the strangers were cool and attractive and Nijimura was single as fuck and ready to mingle as fuck. ~~  
~~

 

"So I saw this video on YouTube and it was insane! This person had on like 53 coats of nail polish on! That's gotta hurt, right?" 

 

Reo was good at multi tasking. She was doing a rad job of massaging Nijimura's hand while applying polish to his nail AND TALKING. Such goals. Very wow.

 

Nijimura had no idea how Reo had coaxed him to get a manicure but on thing led to another and here Nijimura was on Reo's hotel bed about to get his nails DID in all the colors of the damn rainbow. FINALLY, a manicure that would represent Nijimura's homosexual self. Nail diversity. That's where the party's at.  


 

Mayuzumi shrugged and flipped the page of his magazine. It had titties on the cover. Anime titties. Of course.  


 

"I mean why'd they stop at 53? That's a fucking weird number to stop at." Mayuzumi said and Nijimura had to agree with the anime titty lover.  


 

"They should've stopped at 69." Nebuya snickered and Reo rolled her eyes as Hayama started complaining loudly. Hayama probaly did everything loudly. Take that as you will.  


 

"Hey! How come mayonnaise gets to swear and I don't?!?!" Hayama shouted loudly. (See above.)  


 

Nijimura bit his lip to keep himself from laughing at the college boys nickname. Mayonnaise and Reo sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G! Hahahahahaha sex.  


 

"Because-" Reo was rudely cut off by the condiment himself. Mayonnaise boy...hmmm sounded like some sorta shitty ass superhero. Nah mayonnaise boy wouldn't be cool enough to be a super hero. He would definitely be a side kick.  


 

"When the sex is as good as ours you tend to forget about everything else the person does."

 

Reo shrugged as she finished Nijimura's pinkie with a clear coat of polish.

 

"True." She said as she cleaned up any excess polish on Nijimura's finger before starting the next one with a bright orange, keeping the rainbow pattern going which Nijimura appreciated.

 

"That's why I can ignore Eikichi and his freaking crappy hygiene." Hayama said from where he was doing the bridge pose on the floor, all twisty and turny, getting fluorescent glow in the dark green nail polish all over the fluffy white rug that looked so aesthetically pleasing on the hotels wooden floors, and Mayuzumi smiled mockingly at him.

 

"The idiot used a big word! Nawww you sure you know what that means?"

 

"Boys please." Reo rolled her perfect eyes yet again as Hayama tried to lunge at Mayuzumi and tear his smirk off. "Ei-chan please hold your boyfriend back I'm busy right now."

 

"But my nails aren't dry yet-" Nebuya protested and Reo looked at him for a long moment, fluttering her lashes and puckering her lips looking angelic as hell (irony amirite) as Nebuya quivered under her gorgeous stare.  


 

"Please?"

 

Nebuya eventually gave in and grunted and then moved to sit on Hayama who wriggled underneath him for a moment before giving up and going still as he admired his nails.

 

"Thank you." Reo said and then leaned over and slapped Mayuzumi. "Don't call my friend an idiot you idiot."

 

The hand mark looked great on Mayuzumi's cheek accompanied by the eyeliner and thick brows Reo had drawn on her boyfriend earlier. Mayuzumi mumbled an apology and moved to sulk. in the corner of the room as Reo smiled apologetically at Nijimura.

 

"Sorry about that hun."  


 

"It's alright." Nijimura said slowly, looking around to try and find Akashi. He had left the hotel room twenty minutes ago promising to bring back drinks. Where the hell could he be? He better no have tried to run away to meet up with his newfound point guard buddies or else Nijimura would ask Reo politely to make Nebuya sit on that boy.  


 

"You guys do this often?" Nijimura said, referring to the whole manicure/sleepover thing. Nijimura felt like this team was close enough to have sleepovers weekly and do weird shit like this. Kinda like Teiko before all that miracle crap hit the fan.  


 

"We try to! Ever since Sei-chan's normal self came back after the winter cup we've become less of a team and more of a family!"

 

"Reo-nee that was cheesy." Hayama complained from underneath Nebuya who grunted in agreement as well.

 

"Cheesy like your face." Mayuzumi bit back and then under his breath he said; "oh sick burn."

 

"Did you seriously just compliment your own burn?" Nebuya said and Mayuzumi got all lame and defensive for a moment.  


 

"Yeah you got a problem with that?"

 

When Nebuya didn't reply Mayuzumi muttered; "yeah that's right punk. Shut up. Your mom. HAH!"

 

Reo pointed a slender finger at Mayuzumi and glared at him.

 

"You better not say that in front of Sei-chan!" Reo scolded the guy. "I told you guys he's sensitive-"

 

"Wait," Nijimura couldn't help but interrupt. "We talking about the same Akashi here because that boy is anything but sensitive."

 

While everyone (read: Mayuzumi and Reo ft. Nijimura) started arguing about Akashi's personality traits, said boy walked into the hotel room, took one look at his bickering team mates and sighed and sat down and poured himself a drink. Hayama made grabby hands for the alcohol but only got so far until the weight on his back stopped him. 

 

"Ei-chan!" Hayama complained and tried to swat his boyfriends ass. "Get off of me, I need a drink!"

 

Akashi felt pity for the boy being crushed by his boyfriend so he poured some of his drink into a clunky mug and slid it across the floor and into Hayama's hands.

 

Nebuya raised an eyebrow as he peered at the liquid in the mug. He had every right to be suspicious to be honest, drinking alcohol out of a mug with 'Worlds Best Grandma' written on it in elegant cursive surely meant you had hit rock bottom.  


 

"What's this?" He asked suspiciously, having to raise his voice to be heard over the arguing.

 

"You guys are just so rude! Give the boy a second chance!" Reo cried out, looking clearly frustrated as she crawled off the bed and joined her friends on the floor, leaving Nijimura and Mayuzumi return to their passionate arguing.  


 

"It is..." Akashi said and then paused dramatically;

 

Hayama produced a curly straw from God knows where and blew bubbles in his drink. 

 

Reo poured herself a drink into a wine glass with a flimsy pink parasol perched on the edge of her glass that she had snatched up and set on her wardrobe before the sleepover had started.

 

Nebuya touched Hayama's drink, sticking his meaty fingers into the liquid with a grimace.

 

"Absolute vodka." Akashi said, channeling his inner hoe-I mean Izuki.

 

"Oh my God."

 

("Who the hell sold you alcohol you are underage young man!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

 

"Reo-nee pls.")

 _Tuesday July 12  
_

_11: 24 pm_

 

AkashiSeijuurou: shun

 

AkashSeijuurou: shun r u there i made a funny adn iwant u to hlaugh at it

 

AkashiSejiuurou: shSUN

 

SockSenpai: damnit did someone give him marijuana 

 

SockSenpai: u better not be high because im adding fukui and i dont want u to scare him off

 

 _*SockSenpai added FukuiK to the chat*_

 

SockSenpai: there are like two and a half responsible people here and youre one of them so u better straighen up dude

 

SockSenpai: *straighten shit

 

SockSenpai: you need to set a good example for the kids!

 

PunPrince: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DOES THAT MEAN KASAS MY DADDY I FEEL SO BLESSED TBH

 

SockSenpai: ur the kid i would leave on the door step of my neighbours house because i wouldnt wanna raise ur fuck ass

 

PunPrince: daddy pls

 

SockSenpai: why are you like this.

 

PunPrince: because we're all gonna die one day and time is an illusion and anal is amazing and there are a lot of stars

 

SockSenpai: well ur not wrong

 

PunPrince: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) im never wrong 

 

SockSenpai: oh fuck OFF NOT THE BUTT SEX PART ugh shut the fuck up shun

 

AkashiSeijuurou: alcholcol is grate

 

PunPrince: it sure is buddy

 

TheShadyKing: 'alcholcol' is 'grate' until u wake up tomorrow morning feeling like ur brain is being fucked dry by what we 'alcholcol' veterans call a hangover

 

TheShadyKing: also

 

TheShadyKing: kasa likes it in the backdoor #confirmed

 

SockSenpai: i will end u!

 

TheShadyKing: uh huh sure ya will, anyways, what u and shun calling about

 

AkashiSeijuurou: reooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

SockSenpai: dont u have eyes? we were obviously talkig about math dumbass.

 

TheShadyKing: hey shun i wanna...multiply the fun i have in the bedroom with makoto by adding u in and subtracting ur clothes ;)

 

PunPrince: fuck that was good

TheShadyKing: i know :-)

TheShadyKiang: feel free to use it on anyone u want

TheShadyKing: ^^^ thatt was me @ mikasa pls just hook up with kise for the love of god

 

 

 

 

 

 

SockSenpai: how many times do i gotta tell u guys! me and ryouta are just friends!

 

 

PunPrince: aw drop it shouichi if kasa and kise wanted to date theyd be togethor by now! get ur fat ass nose outta everyones bussiness! let their love lives be!

 

 

BlackWidHoe: hey hoe stop fucking with my man das my job 

 

 

TheShadyKing: hey babe where have u been all night?

 

 

TheShadyKing: u havent been online all day thats not like you!

 

 

BlackWidHoe: shut up u 

 

 

BlackWidHoe: u fuk fuck im at the drug store with my awful team i need to make sure they dont die i need semi hot boys to take care of me when my bf is busy

 

 

BlackWidHoe: one sec

 

 

BlackWidHoe: or not lmao im probs gonna forget u asshoels in a second 

 

 

SockSenpai: ...

 

PunPrince: tag urself im "u fuk fuck"

 

 

TheShadyKing: i feel like an 'asshoel' lmao

 

 

TheShadyKing: ;-) anyways

 

 

TheShadyKing: <3 aint my demi spooder princess the best?

 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: no hahahahahehehehhohohohohhohuhuhuhuhuhuhuuuuueueue

 

 

TheShadyKing: lmao homeboi just went through all the vowels in the alphabet with that laugh lmao

 

PunPrince: omg

 

PunPrince: i am literally drunk akashit tho ngl its kinda scary how similar we are

 

  
AkashiSeijuurou: reo is guda

 

AkashiSeijuurou: *gooda 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: *good

 

PunPrince: well ur not wrong

 

PunPrince: wait kasa

 

PunPrince: am i the other one?

 

SockSenpai: the other what

 

PunPrince: the other responsible person in this chat other than akashi!

 

SockSenpai: no its me. and shut up and go back to working on your long division ill call you back in a minute shun

 

PunPrince: am i the half

 

SockSenpai: maybe

 

PunPrince: :D))))) (lol pretend those are my double chins okay?)

 

SokSenpai: what? 

 

PunPrince: omg nvm kasa pls 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: cant astraighten up awhena im agyyayyyay

 

AkashiSeijuurou: heheheheheheh agy

 

AkashiSeijuurou: AGY[';;k;>)IO(

 

TheShadyKing: same lmao

 

PunPrince: darn akashi needs to akachill

 

AkashiSeijuurou: AKANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

SockSenpai: jesus akashis becoming more like izuki everyday this is terrifying.

 

TheShadyKing: i think its hot lol.

 

SockSenpai: -_- u would

 

PunPrince: i bet u two llama that akashits drunk 

 

Taco: I BET U THREE LLAMA THAT HES JUST FUCKING WITH US

 

PunPrince: NO NO THAT IS TOO MUCH LLAMA 

 

SockSenpai: I FUCKIN HATE U TWO BECAUSE THAT MADE ME LAUGH RLLY LOUDLY AND MORIS AWAKE NOW AND CONFUSED AS FUCK HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT IM LAUGHING AT A CRAPPY LLAMA JOKE  


 

Taco: :( i thought it was funny

 

PunPrince: aye speaking of yoshi wanna know how our dinner date went last saturday?

 

SockSenpai: dinner date? i couldvve sworn it was a lunch date at a fucking diner...classy.

 

TheShadyKing: kasamatsu more like sassymatsu amirite ;-)

 

Taco: i wouldve agreed but the smiley face tells me otherwise...

 

AkashiSeijuurou: otehriwse,oasheuwer.;a;kdowsuhetu./adwothesaeirse...

 

FuriKou: oh gosh whats happening why what whyyyyyyyy

 

Taco: same furi

 

PunPrince: wow kasa THATS SO R00D UR JUST JELLY MY DINNER DATE WENT WELL I GAVE YOSHI LIKE TEN KISSES ON THE CHEEK AND GOT TEPPEI TO FEED ME MY FOOD AND I CAUGHT JUNPEI CHECKING OUT YOSHIS BUTT IT WAS A TOTAL WIN  


 

Taco: SOUNDS LIKE IT TO ME CONGRATS MY SWEET LOVE<3

 

TheShadyKing: huh? what dinner date?

 

TheShadyKing: oh yeah u posted on instagram about it, u had like three boys with u lmao what a nice date

 

FuriKou: senpai why would u go on a date with ur boyfriend and ur two crushes? if i were u i wouldnt want any of my loves to meet!

 

FuriKou: NOT THAT I HAVE ANY CRUSHES RN AHAHAHA...

 

Taco: furi u are the opposite of chill

 

Taco: ur llihc

 

PunPrince: furi as ur mommy u can tell me anything dont make my go through ur diaries to try and find ur crush 

 

FuriKou: senpai i mean this in the nicest way possible

 

FuriKou: what the fuck is wrong with you  


 

PunPrince: THATS IT ur grounded!

 

PunPrince: go to ur room

 

FuriKou: but im already in my room hahaha...

 

PunPrince: ....................................................

 

TheShadyKing: aw damn u broke him before i got to how rude :(

 

BlackWidHoe: shut up ill stab u with my snow cone

 

_*BlackWidHoe sent a photo*_

 

BlackWidHoe: they had a black flavour,,,im pleased,,,

 

Taco: ur shoes are ugly lol

 

BlackWidHoe: mhmmm my shoes might be ugly but at least i can buy a new pair for cheap ur stuck with ur ugly ass face HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

TheShadyKing: omfg sick burn my love

 

BlackWidHoe: thx lol

 

AkashiSeijuurou: furikun why ingore my caalss

 

FuriKou: oh i look rlly ugly rn hahaha its practically the middle of the night anyways i dont want u seeing me like this!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: furikun never lkooks ugasly

 

AkashiSeijuurou: fuirkun is soaso cuteeeeee

 

FuriKou: thank u so much akashi!!! ur rlly cute too...

 

AkashiSeijuurou: mHmMmmmM THAnkkkkkkkkkkk you

 

AkashiSeijuurou: pcaick thew calll up pls

 

FuriKou: alright if u insist!

 

BlackWidHoe: u know theyre close when furihauua can understand akashits drunk ramblings

 

Taco: i ship it almost as much as i ship kise and mikasa and me and shin chan anD imAYOSHIT AND HIS HAND :)

 

TheShadyKing: well im gonna leave...

 

BlackWIdHoe: its trueeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

TheShadyKing: not because of takaos mediocore diss ;-) but because i need to wake up my sister tomorrow morning and drop her off at school super early

 

TheShadyKing: goodnight guys ;)

 

BlackWidHoe: night shoi

 

SockSenpai: imayoshi being a good sibling huh...never thought id see the day

 

BlackWidHoe: lmao youve obviously never seen shoi with his sister hes weirdly okay lol

 

SockSenpai: huh if u say so

 

SockSenpai: aw man izukis like frozen in his web cam hes still not over furi sassing him

 

SockSenpai: imma end the call

 

SockSenpai: he wasnt being productive anyways.

 

Taco: WHO THE FUCKIE HECK COULD DO MATH AT MIDNIGHT

 

Taco: I CANT EVEN DO MATH IN THE MIDDLe of the day during school wtf

 

Taco: OMG MY CAPS LOCK BROKE HElp

 

BlackWidHoe: maybe because youre always yelling?

 

Taco: NO THAT canT BE WHY

 

BlackWidHoe: so uh hows ur shitty boy toy lol

 

Taco: SHInnnnnnnn chAN? hes gr8

 

BlackWidHoe: u guys still not dating huh?

 

BlackWidHoe: not that i care hahah fuck u

 

Taco: no not yet but yknow im still working on it and him ;)

 

Taco: OMG MY CAPS LOCKS FIXED ITSELF HOW MAGICAL ITSNOTLIKEITWASTHEAUTHORSFAULTANDSHETRIEDTOPLAYITOFFASACLEVERJOKE HAHAHAHA

 

BlackWidHoe: what?

 

Taco; we gotta focus on one relationship at a time or else the author is gonna rip her fuckin toenails off from stress

 

BlackWidHoe: whAT?

 

Taco: what?

 

BlackWidHoe: ugh anyways

 

BlackWidHoe: sometimes having boobs is so convinient like lmao i had a shit ton of food from the drug store and i stuffed it in my bra while the guys had to walk around holding their shit hahahah

 

BlackWidHoe: hara putting his pretzels in his boxers doesnt count lol

 

Taco: damn thats actually a good idea, the next team dinner i go to im putting my leftovers in my pants!!! fuck containers!!! im putting my cold noodles in my pants!!!

 

PunPrince: so ur gonna put ur cold noodles...neXT TO UR NOODLE???

 

Taco: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 

PunPrince: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 

BlackWidHoe: i have so many regrets

 

PunPrince: how many regrets

 

BlackWidHoe: like four

 

PunPrince: same

 

_Wednesday July 13_

_3: 56 am_

 

BlackWidHoe: reO U CUNT ASS I CAN FEEL U LURKING IN THIS CONVO DONT MAKE ME DELETE UR ASS

 

GlamoReo: omg hun pls dont delete me im so bored sei chan is making a drunk mess out of himself while he talks to furi chan and chi chan and niji chan are angrily making out and kou chan and ei chan are making prank calls 

 

BlackWidHoe: i. dont. care.

 

BlackWidHoe: U ISNT A POINT GUARD u isnt supposed to be here

 

GlamoReo: ill be back hun, i swear

 

BlackWidHoe: mhmmmm sure jan lmao

 

_*BlackWidHoe removed GlamoReo from the chat**_

_6: 01 am_

 

FukuiK: you know how 'blackwidhoe' said that they have four regrets

 

FukuiK: well i have like a fuckin million


	10. of confessions and booty related deaths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just because ur a bad bitch dont mean u dont gotta exfoliate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i ended on a cliffhanger omg im sorry
> 
> also i tackled a pretty major thing in this chapter. i am not transgender myself so i did not go too into the aspect in this chapter, just enough to make u all understand that hanamiya is a female to male transgender
> 
> if u have any problems with how i handled this then pls let me know and i will fix any problems u guys might see in my writing 
> 
> i hope u guys enjoy this chapter!

“Guys listen up, you guys finish up your laps, I’m gonna go and change. If I hear about anyone skipping out on the laps or if I catch anyone trying to peep into the locker room y’all are gonna catch these fucking hands, y’hear?”

 

Kirisaki Daichi nodded, too afraid to argue with their captain slash coach slash point guard slash head bitch.

 

Hanamiya tucked the clipboard under his arm and headed towards the change room. Just before he entered the room he whipped around and started hollering at his shitty team that were laying on the floor and trying not to die.

 

“YOU ASSHOLES! GET UP OR I’M GONNA BUY A FUCKING BULLDOZER AND RUN YOU GUYS OVER!”

 

“Where the hell would you even get a bulldozer?” Furuhashi complained.

 

“I think you can get one off E-bay. You can buy anything off E-bay. But that doesn’t mean you should buy everything from E-bay. My sister told me not to buy tampons off of E-bay because you’ll probably die-“

 

“Can I buy back my will to live off of E-bay?”

 

“Jesus Christ Seto man lighten up. And I dunno if you can buy that off of E-bay. Maybe Walmart? I gotta gift card-“

 

Hanamiya rolled his eyes and seemed to understand that his strange team was not gonna continue their laps and instead talk about literally the most random crap ever.

 

Hanamiya headed inside the locker room, tossing the clipboard to the side and locking the door before he began to strip. There was really no need to shower as he had barely broken a sweat during practice (being the captain had its perks after all) but he was set to visit Imayoshi in less than half an hour and he’d rather not smell like Nebuya while greeting his boyfriend.

 

As he took his top off and hung it on the hook in his locker he gave his sports bra clad chest a sour glare. If only his boobs could just suck themselves back into his chest, maybe transfer the fat from his chest to his butt that would be nice.

 

Oh yeah, in case you somehow didn’t notice, Hanamiya was transgender. Female to male. The whole schlep. _Schlep. Schlep. Schlep._ Fuck that was fun to say.

 

While Hanamiya would probably sell his soul to have been born with a _‘boys’_ body he had to admit his current body (especially his genitals) had some awesome perks. He often got Imayoshi to give him multiple orgasms in a row just because his body could do that! His tits were fun to hold when he was bored and his overall body shape was pretty…fuck what was the word? The one that Reo had used to make Hanamiya feel better about his big hips. Oh yeah! He was fucking curvaceous and shit! Guys and girls mostly liked that. Although even when he was wearing the baggiest clothes he owned Hanamiya still found himself being cat called on the street. Welp, making hideous raptor like shrieks seemed to shut the men up usually.

 

Hanamiya took his boob prison off and sniffed the cups, gagging and throwing it in his laundry bag. He would simply have to go bra-less today as he was still saving money to buy a proper binder. His moms boyfriend had no idea about Hanamiya’s…issues with his gender so asking him for money was out of the question. There was no way Hanamiya would let Reo or Imayoshi pay for something of his again so he was dead set of raising the money on his own.

 

#FreeTheNipNip’s anyways.

 

The black haired teen felt as if he was in a fan servicey scene in a movie as he wiggled out of his pants and hung them as well, kicking off his boxers and casually walking across the locker room and into the showers completely ass naked.

 

Hanamiya massaged his scalp, humming as he wondered if he should wash his hair or not. He deemed it alright and tied his hair into a bun on the top of his head. Hanamiya snickered as he remembered how Imayoshi had stuck an unused condom in Hanamiya’s bun this one time they were making out in Imayoshi’s room and Imayoshi’s mom walked in on them about to hook up. Oh God, Imayoshi was a lame ass nerd but he didn’t suck all the time.

 

Hanamiya had his own little shelf in the biggest shower with three bottles and his razor (that was more used to threaten his team with then to shave his body hair). His shampoo, conditioner and his coconut and almond fusion exfoliator. Just because he was a bad bitch didn’t mean he didn’t exfoliate.

 

He finished up with his shower and pulled on the outfit he had arrived to the gym with before stuffing his slightly damp hair into a cap and grabbing his back pack and heading out back into the gym, shouting for his team to go get changed while he exited the gym via the exit that you were only supposed to use in case of a fire but no one actually used during a fire because in case of an actual fire people would be screaming and breaking windows to try and escape ain’t nobody got time for orderly procedures.

 

The walk to Touou was uneventful. Hanamiya nearly got pecked to death by some demon geese and he accidentally stepped on a cats tail where he spent a full minute just kneeling on the ground and apologizing to the cat before glaring at the cats owner who was totally ogling at Hanamiya’s practically exposed nip nops. Well, looking back on it that was a pretty eventful walk but whatever. Shut your fuck up.

 

Touou’s gym doors were wide open so Hanamiya decided it was perfectly okay to just stroll in and stand in the middle of and shout for his boyfriend to pay attention to him.

 

“Hey.” Aomine said. “Eyebrows what up?”

 

Hanamiya stopped yelling to glare at Aomine.

 

“You know what’s up? Your dick. I can see your boner through your pants you disgusting pervert I ought to rip my tits off and beat you with them. You know what’s not up though? My BOYFRIENDS dick. You know why? Because he’s not fucking here. If he’s not in front of me right now he might be cheating on me with some hoe. WHERE IS HE? IS HE FUCKING YOUR BIG BOOBED COTTON CANDY HEAD MANAGER? GUN EMOJI! _GUN EMOJI!”_

 

“What the actual fuck?”

 

“GUN EMOJI!!!” Hanamiya screamed and looked around wildly before spotting Imayoshi leaning against the stage having a chat with Sakurai and Momoi.

 

“Would Imayoshit senpai be the devil emoji?” Aomine asked and Hanamiya shook his head and called out over his shoulder as he stalked over to Imayoshi.

 

“No he’s gonna be the fucking ghost emoji because I’m gonna kill him!”

 

“Why though?” Aomine said and Hanamiya paused and gestured in a frustrated way.

 

“For plot purposes damnit!”

 

“Ah alright, have fun eyebrows!”

 

“Oh I will, microdick, trust me I will.”

 

_5:44 pm_

 

BlackWidHoe: should I remove shoi from this convo

 

BlackWidHoe: because a corpse wont be v entertaining in this group chat

 

FukuiK: ur kidding right?

 

FukuiK: u didn’t actually kill ur boyfriend did u?

 

PunPrince: HOMOCIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

FukuiK: what?

 

PunPrince: inside joke lmao sorry

 

PunPrince: anyways rip in peace imayoshit he had a good run but he died doing what he loved probably

 

PunPrince: making fun of hanameme

 

FukuiK: whats a hanememe?

 

PunPrince: hanamiya + a shitty internet trend = hanameme

 

PunPrince: that’s like algebra how do u not know that

 

FuriKou: senpai I cannot believe ur one of the top students in ur class

 

PunPrince: da heck is dat supposed to mean?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I think Kouki means that your personalitiy is so light and childish it’s hard to believe that you’re one of the top students in your class because that would imply you take time away from scouring the internet for memes to study. Which is hard to believe.

 

PunPrince: UM WOW OKAY ILL HAVE U KNOW I AM THE MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON IN MY CLASS I CAN SPEAK 69 LANGUAGES AND I KNOW ALL 420 NUMBERS OF PI

 

FukuiK: why are u like this

 

FuriKou: youll get used to it eventually! We all do!

 

_*BlackWidHoe sent a photo*_

 

BlackWidHoe: lmao gay

 

PunPrince: OMG HOW DIDN’T I NOTICE AKASHIT USING FURIS FIRST NAME HOLY FUCK WHEN DID THAT FRIENDSHIP ESCALATE?

 

FuriKou: omg senpai pls its not that big of a deal pls calm down we’re just friends

 

FukuiK: mhmmm unless im really close friends with someone

 

FukuiK: or im fucking someone

 

FukuiK: I would never refer to them by their first name

 

FukuiK: HELL ME AND HIMURO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR TWO YEARS AND I STILL CALL THAT HOE HIMURO

 

PunPrince: HOEMURO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

AkashiSeijuurou: That was funny. I LOL’ed.

 

BlackWidHoe: did u rlly

 

AkashiSeijuurou: No I breathed heavily through my nose hahaha.

 

FuriKou: oh sei hahaha that’s what I do too!

 

BlackWidHoe: =_= so much homosexuals around me I cant stand this

 

FukuiK: what u homophobic or something?

 

BlackWidHoe: wtf no calm ur flat ass I just feel like im being suffocated by rainbow yknow?

 

FukuiK: no I dnt

 

BlackWidHoe: …why is he here I don’t like him make him leave hes bullying me I SHOULD REPORT U

 

FukuiK: WHAT THE FUCK I DIDN’T NO NOTHING

 

BlackWidHoe: kidding <3

 

FukuiK: im

 

FukuiK: im gonna

 

FukuiK: ms;\dfkjgrangkri nn c os30r48368y34gbj   

 

FukuiK: sorry ur stupidity made me smash my head against my keyboard

 

BlackWidHoe: bleehhhh wouldn’t wanna kill the only braincells u have?

 

FukuiK: SHUT UP RESPECT UR ELDERS

 

BlackWidHoe: BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :P

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ANYWAYS, I promise you guys that me and Kouki are just friends.

 

FuriKou: yeah!!! Ever since he left the hotel we video chat sometimes, we talk about lots of PLATONIC thiings omg guys pls don’t get the wrong idea

 

BlackWidHoe: platonic things like anal?

 

FuriKou: ew omg that’s nasty

 

PunPrince: I have a shirt that says ‘anal princess’

 

PunPrince: Teppei got it for me in America

FuriKou: ew of course he did omg

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Shun you’re a butthole princess?

 

PunPrince: mhmmmmmmmmmmmm the one and only

 

BlackWidHoe: no BITCH youre not the one and only shut up I am the one and only anal prince ;)

 

PunPrince: im a pretty pretty pretty PunPrincess

 

*PunPrince’s name is now PunPrincess*

 

PunPrincess: OMG I GOT A BETTER ONE HOLD UP

 

FuriKou: I am holding on senpai!

 

_*PunPrincess’s name is now Puncess*_

 

Puncess: AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

Puncess: aright ttttttttopic change

 

Puncess: back to non homosexual anal sex

 

FukuiK: well yknow what they say its only gay if ur balls touch

 

BlackWidHoe: should I tape tennis balls to my vag to mimic testicles

 

SockSenpai: um no. you can die from that probably.

 

BlackWidHoe: you can die from literally anything let me live mommymatsu jfc

 

SockSenpai: I guess I should let u yolo…

 

SockSenpai: and don’t call me that! Or else ur gonna end up like ur dead bf!

 

Puncess: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

 

BlackWidHoe: shois not ACTUALLY dead I just whooped his ass because I thought he was cheating on me but its all good and we had makeup sex in the shower and now im thinking about penises because I was up close and personal with his and now im lowkey jealous

 

AkashiSejiiurou: Wait!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hanamiya, you have a…

 

BlackWidHoe: a vagina?

 

Puncess: a puss puss?

 

Taco: ayeeee he has a kitty?

 

TheShadyKing: my spooder princess has a cunt?

 

FukuiK: he has a…SHIT U GUYS TOOK THE COOL NICK NAMES

 

BlackWidHoe: yeah I got all those things mentioned above lmao

 

BlackWidHoe: u gotta problem with that?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: No! No of course not! I was just confused. You’re a boy but you have…female genitalia and all.

 

BlackWidHoe: well ya know how when reo feels like a guy he still got them titties and pussy just hidden under his clothes?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Um yes?

 

BlackWidHoe: that’s like me all the time

 

BlackWidHoe: hiding my goods underneath all them baggy clothes

 

BlackWidHoe: my genitals don’t define who I am tf

 

BlackWidHoe: genders in the brain and sex is in the genitals lol

 

FukuiK: wise words from a promiscuous spider

 

SockSenpai: oh god that was clever

 

FukuiK: thx

 

TheShadyKing: my babys right

 

TheShadyKing: hes a boy

 

TheShadyKing: if any of you insist on using feminine pro nouns you guys will *makoto voice* catch these hands!!!

 

TheShadyKing: which im still not sure on the definition but it sounds threatening enough lmao

 

SockSenpai: huh so im reading through this mess of a conversation

 

SockSenpai: furi and Akashi are pretty close friends now

 

SockSenpai: hanamiyas already made an enemy out of fukui wow that was quick

 

SockSenpai: izuki and hanamiya are fighting over the title of butthole princess for some god awful reason

 

TheShadyKing: don’t forget takao appearing for a second to add to our vagina conversation and then disappearing to do gosh knows what

 

SockSenpai: don’t u mean god knows what?

 

TheShadyKing: not even god knows what the Mexican delicacy does in the dark

 

FukuiK: my songs know what you did in the dark…

 

PunPrince: gtfo emo trash lmao

 

FuriKou: senpai pls stop referring to urself and other people as trash its offensive omg pls

 

FukuiK: HEY HIMURO GOT ME INTO HIS WEIRD DARK SONGS WITH THOSE HOT BOYS IN EYELINER AND SHIT OH FUCK

 

BlackWidHoe: someone has a crush lmao how gross

 

FukuiK: no I have…someone in my life

 

FukuiK: its complicated okay

 

SockSenpai: I feel ya man don’t worry

 

SockSenpai: anyways to tie up this eventful conversation hanamiya came out as transgender

 

SockSenpai: I feel like…

 

SockSenpai: oh fuck it I do feel like a proud mom

 

BlackWidHoe: awwwww thx mommymatsu

 

Puncess: im glad hanameme is comfortable sharing his gender struggles with us! I mean hes always been way too oversharing with his fucking Instagram photos of his tiddies

 

Puncess: instragram deletes my grass pics but wont remove the hananboobs? THAT’S IZUCIST

 

FuriKou: I don’t know much about being transgender but im glad that you’ve come out hanamiya san! I admit ive had a few questions too but u yell at me whenever I say anything so I choose not to

 

BlackWidHoe: oh dude I don’t always yell at u

 

BlackWidHoe: stFU UR MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A BAD PERSON U THINK IM A BAD PERSON HUH HUH U FUCKING PUNK

 

AkashiSeijuurou: As much as I hate it when you bully Kouki I do admire your bravery for coming out.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I would like to come out and say something too.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Guys…I think I like boys.

 

Puncess: …

 

FuriKou: …

 

TheShadyKing: …

 

BlackWidHoe: …

 

FukuiK: …

 

SockSenpai: …

 

Puncess: so r we gonna like pretend that’s a surprise or

 

SockSenpai: SHUN DON’T BE RUDE ill kick ur ass Akashi im glad youre comfortable with sharing your sexuality!

 

TheShadyKing ^^^ yeah that

 

BlackWidHoe: ^^^

 

FukuiK: ^^^

 

PunPrince: ^^^

 

FuriKou: why are you guys doing that symbol? Are you guys seriously that lazy that you cant type out an actual comment?

 

TheShadyKing: ^^^yeah lol actually

 

BlackWidHoe: ^^^

 

PunPrince: ^^^

 

FukuiK: ^^^

 

FuriKou: you guys are TOO MUCH

 

FuriKou: sei kun while it might’ve been obvious you er batted for the other team im still glad u chose to tell us outright instead of leaving us with implications and hints instead of spending ten chapters avoiding the topic and confusing all the readers

 

FuriKou: *looks at hanamiya pointedly*

 

BlackWidHoe: and theres our obligatory fourth wall break of the chapter lmao

 

FukuiK: ive learned not to ask…

 

SockSenpai: you learned early on, that’s good

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Thank you Kasamatsu san and Kouki for your kind messages. I feel blessed to have such supporting friends.

 

BlackWidHoe: friends….damN WELL I GUESS lmao not that I like any of u but I guess we can be friends because if we were in a horror movie then I would be the pretty bitch that killed all of u off

 

Puncess: …I have the sudden urge to lock all my doors and window s now…

 

Puncess: DADDY HELP ME

 

SockSenpai: what the fuck are you calling for ur dad for?

 

Puncess: mhm im not calling for my father im calling for someone else ;)

 

Puncess: (it rhymes with peeyoshi bee tee dubs)

 

BlackWidHoe: peeyoshi lmfao what even is wrong with u

 

SockSenpai: ew that is disgusting, BOTH OF THOSE THINGS

 

TheShadyKing: is ur daddy me? ;)

 

TheShadyKing: will my baby boy sit on his daddys face?

 

SockSenpai: *deletes skype and throws my laptop out the window*

 

FukuiK: its time for a legit kink shame

 

Puncess: the only time I would ever let my ass get near ur face is if I killed u and was violently twerking on ur face to try and break ur nose

 

TheShadyKing: …

 

BlackWidHoe: same tho

 

FukuiK: omfg death by ass

 

SockSenpai: like the kids say

 

SockSenpai: ‘rip in pieces shoi’

 

SockSenpai: which doesn’t make sense if you actually think about it…

 

BlackWidHoe: mom please just go back to drinking ur wine and bitching about dad  to ur book club in between reruns of desperate housewives

 

_7: 06 pm_

 

FukuiK: I dunno if u guys care or not but me himuro mura and liu were playing monopoly and mura flipped the table cuz he went bankrupt and omg it was so funny what he said

 

FukuiK: mura was like “ I didn’t lose! I never lose! The tallest person in the room always wins! And! I! amd! The! Tallest!!!”

 

FukuiK: I cant stop laughing we stopped the game because himuro had to calm him down in the bathroom

 

FuriKou: I don’t get it, what kinda calming down can he do to murasakibara san in the bathroom?

 

FukuiK: oh god…you really are a sweet summer child huh?

 

FuriKou: PLS STOP CALLING ME A CHILD OMG I DON’T LIKE IT!!!

 

Taco: furi don’t worry me and shin chan will adopt u as our baby right after we get married!

 

FuriKou: WHAAAA? MARRIAGE? YOU GUYS GOT TOGETHER?

 

Taco: HAHAHA well kinda

 

Taco: it all started a couple hours ago…

 

 


	11. hard shell tacos with a sprinkling of carrots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taco: don’t eat bees theyre diminishing at an alarming rate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope yall enjoy the midotaka ;) leave a comment to make me HAPPY AS HECK happier than midorima and takao are rn ;)
> 
> not izuki tho he sad af rn

Midorima towelled his soaked hair and wrinkled his nose at both the thought of how badly the chlorine from the pool had damaged his hair and at Takao who whipped his hair back and forth in a way that would’ve made Willow Smith anad a wet dog proud. Midorima stepped away from the smaller boy as Takao continued to air dry his hair in a way that would probably dry it quickly which was a good thing but would probably break his neck if he continued which was not a good thing.

 

“That,” Takao declared as he pulled a hoodie on in the changing room of their local pool. “Was a damn good swim.”

 

Midorima ran a comb through his hair and peered intently at his expression in the foggy mirror.

 

“I guess it was alright. Miyaji-senpai and Otsubo-senpai did put on quite a show in the deep end.”

 

“I know right!” Takao complained as he tightened the string of his sweatpants around his waist, smirking to himself as he caught Midorima checking out the exposed skin of his stomach before catching himself ogling and immediately turning away with a blush. “I can’t believe we got kicked out of the pool because the lifeguard caught them practically MATING in the water. DISGUSTING!

 

Fuck. Yes. Takao though happily. Midorima was totally checking him out. Takao strode over to the floor to ceiling mirrors where Midorima was finishing up with his hair. Takao slipped his feet into his shoes and leaned against one of the mirrors, trying to look cool and casual as he smiled at his crush.

 

“Did you see Miyaji-senpai’s nip nips? They were so pink! That shit looked fake as fuck! You think he got nipple implants?”

 

Midorima groaned as he put his comb away and moved to button his top up.

 

“Kazunari please for the love of god-“

 

“Y’KNOW I HEARD A RUMOUR THAT Reo got butt implants. It makes sense! Maybe he cut off the skin on his thighs and glued it to his butt. That’s why he’s got a big ass and a thigh gap. Shun has a thigh gap but no ass. Hanameme has a fat ass but thick thighs. Me? I dunno I think I-“

 

“Hey guys if you could hurry up the pool’s gonna close soon!” Kimura shouted from outside the change room, leaving the world to wonder about Takao’s mysterious body type. “STOP SUCKING EACH OTHERS DICKS AND COME OUT HERE!”

 

“I w-would never.” Midorima sputtered and Takao clasped a hand to his chest and faked a hurt look.

 

“Awww Shin-chan you wound me. For real can you hurry up? Not that I’d mind being stuck in here with you-“

 

“Go die.”

 

“Love ya too babe!”

 

The walk from the pool to their neighbourhood was fairly normal. At least normal for Midorima and Takao. After saying goodbye to their upperclassmen they started the short walk to their houses. Midorima had blissfully forgotten about his rickshaw for a while so Takao was free to waltz down the sidewalk and cheerfully inform Midorima on the latest gossip that he had picked up from his point guard friends.

 

“Wait, Akashi is dating Seirin’s Chihuahua?” Midorima looked puzzled. “Since when?”

 

Takao sighed and slowed down so Midorima could walk next to him as he explained.

 

“No they’re not dating YET! But they are so in love it’s ridiculous. I mean, well they’re at least in like. Either way they’d make a hella cute couple don’t you think?”

 

Midorima looked deep in thought as they turned the corner, Midorima’s house a couple feet away from there’s, Takao’s a block away.

 

“I suppose they would.” Midorima said at last and Takao grinned and waved as he secured the strap of his gym bag and headed towards his street.

 

“Well it was great chilling with you Shin-chan! Talk to you soon!” Takao called out and made a surprised noise as he felt Midoria grab his wrist, keeping him from leaving.

 

Takao stood, grin completely melted off of his face leaving a wide eyed expression on his face. He stared at Midorima’s reddened yet determined face with his mouth slightly open.

 

“Shin-chan, what are you doing?”

 

“You…we have a documentary to work on remember? For school. I do not want to pull an all nighter the day before this due, so you better come inside right now.”

 

Takao’s grin re appeared on his face and he nodded and bolted up the stairs to Midorima’s house.

 

“Of course Shin-chan! What’re we watching?”

 

_7: 20 pm_

 

BlackWidHoe: this is boring lol get to the sex

 

Taco: NO YOU GOTTA BUILDUP TO THE SPICE SHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Taco: now where was I

 

BlackWidHoe: dude chill u aint telling a story irl just scroll up and look at ur last message lol

 

Taco: way to be a buzzkill U PROMISE SPOODER

 

FukuiK: er its promiscuous

 

Taco: SAME SHIT NOW LEMME TELL YALL A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

 

PunPrince: the fresh prince of shuutokou I approve

 

PunPrince: (I changed my name btw during a convo with the seirin group chat because koganei pointed out that ‘puncess’ sounded too much like incest -_-)

 

Taco: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

BlackWidHoe: omfg it does lmao

 

Taco: anyways thx for calling me the fresh prince of shuutokou sweaty ;) cuz dat who I is

 

PunPrince: anytime binch ;)

 

SockSenpai: uh you guys misspelled sweetie and bitch…

 

PunPrince: OH MY GOD KASA U OLD UNHIP MAN GO BACK TO COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR KIDS NOT SPENDING ANYTIME WITH YOU ANYMORE

 

SockSenpai: FUCK OFF and its not funny that kise is too busy modelling and nakamuras too busy studying and hayakwas too bsuy being loud to spend time with me! Assholes.

 

SockSenpai: *busy crap.

 

PunPrince: moris too busy to hang out with you toooooooooooooooooo

 

PunPrince: u know what hes too busy doing?

 

BlackWidHoe: if u say me im going to come over to ur house and beat you with the first thing ill find in ur fridge

 

PunPrince: …IT WAS ME HE WAS TOO BUSY DOING ME AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Taco: THAT WAS A GOOD ONE BUT PLS LISTEN TO MY STORY

 

BlackWidHoe: THAT’S IT SHOI DRIVE ME TO THIS BITCHES HOUSE SO I CAN MURDER A HOE

 

TheShadyKing: hell naw am I gonna be an accomplice to ur homicide babe go ask someone else to drive u

 

Taco: GUYS,,,,,PLS,,,GOT,,,A,,,,STRY,,,,TO,,,TELL,,,U

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck guess I gotta take the bus

 

BlackWidHoe: aw damn how am I gonna get shuns dead body back home with out anyone getting suspicious

 

FuriKou: WHAAAAAAAAAA? PLS DON’T KILL MY SENPAI HES WEIRD AND ANNOYING AND OVERLY SEXUAL AT TIMES BUT I RLLY LIKE HIM AND HE HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS THAT CARE ABOUT HIM V MUCH AND HES A V GOOD POINT GUARD PLS DON’T KILL HIM Omg

 

BlackWidHoe: stfu or ill kill u as well u worthless hoebag

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Excuse me you should really stop being so rude to Kouki when he’s done nothing to you.

 

FuriKou: omg thanks for standing up for me sei!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: No Problem. Friends do that for each other. And you’re my friend.

 

TheShadyKing: damn akashit ur friendzoning urself ive never seen that before

 

AkashiSejuurou: Hmm? I don’t understand.

 

TheShadyKing: lmao yah I didn’t think ya would

 

BlackWidHoe: DAMN SHOI WHY DON’T U DEFEND ME LIKE THAT

 

TheShadyKing: maybe cuz youd rip me a new one if I even looked at u the wrong way

 

BlackWidHoe: true lol

 

FukuiK: what the fuck u two what even

 

BlackWidHoe: yeah youll get used to it eventually

 

BlackWidHoe: or not lmao I don’t give a rats ass

 

Taco: WHAT ABOUT A FERRETS ASS

 

Taco: DID YALL FORGET ABOUT MY FERRET BABY

 

Taco: DID YALL THINK I FORGOT ABOUT MY BABY JUST BECAUSE THE AUTHOR DECIDED TO USE IT AS A PLOT POINT IN KIYOSHIS BDAY CHAPTER AND NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN

 

SockSenpai: and there takao goes with the fourth wall breaking. Again.

 

Taco: ITS MY JOB I AM THE BREAKER OF THE FOURTH WALL KEEPER OF THE MEMES AND PRINCESS OF THE DICKS

 

BlackWidHoe: hara calls me a satanic princess

 

BlackWidHoe: shoi am I a satanic princess

 

TheShadyKing: mhmmm of course you are my baby boy.

 

TheShadyKing: u do like to make eye contact with random people on the train and cackling which is a pretty satanic thing to do

 

TheShadyKing: and u did steal my sisters tiara so I guess that’s the princess part

 

BlackWidHoe: J

 

FukuiK: himuro the hoe keeps calling me a panda prince

 

FukuiK: it’s a cute title so I guess I cant hate him for it

 

FuriKou: that’s such a cute nickname omg!!!

 

Taco: its cute but not as cute as me

 

Taco: plus we haven’t had a name change in a while so

 

*FukuiK’s name is now PandaPrincess*

 

Taco: princess sounds better everyone knows that its like basic biology

 

PandaPrincess: um

 

PandaPrincess: alright

 

Taco: ANYWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS

 

Taco: DOES ANYONE REMEMBER MY FERRET

 

FuriKou: unfortunately

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I remember Mayuzumi  found ferret feces in his pockets…that was funny.

 

Taco: AYEEEEEEEEEEEE GET WRECKT MAYONAISE

 

PunPrince: OKAY UPDATE I JUST RAN DOWNSTAIRS TO CHECK ON MY FRIDGE

 

PunPrince: its doing well btw

 

PunPrince: HAH JOKES ON U HOENAMIYA THE ONLY THING IN MY FRIDGE IS A TUB OF EXPIRED MARGARINE

 

PandaPrincess: why

 

PunPrince: shhh my moms out buying groceries as we SPEAK

 

PunPrince: ID LIKE TO SEE HANAMEME TRY AND KILL ME WITH SOME BUTTER

 

BlackWidHoe: ill fuckin beat you with the tub of butter till ur worthless slutty body IS DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR

 

PunPrince: …youd butter not do that…

 

BlackWidHoe: oh…oh….oh my fucking god…ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it hurts

 

TheShadyKing: lmao miya rn sounds like when we have sex

 

FuriKou: awwww u call him miya?

 

FuriKou: omg that’s so sweet

 

TheShadyKing: hahaha sweet sure

 

Taco: sorry I keep leaving because im with shin chan rn WHICH YALL WOULD KNOW IF YALL LET ME FINISH ME GOD DAMN STORY

 

PunPrince: kazu calm ur tits we have a few more important plot points to focus on before we focus on ur relationship arc

 

Taco: tru

 

PandaPrincess: UM I need to GO my moms calling me and um…she doesn’t like it when I talk to fucking weird ass strangers on the internet

 

SockSenpai: listen to ur mother shes right!

 

SockSenpai: uh I mean u don’t think im a weird ass stranger do u?

 

PandaPrincess: nah man we’re cool

 

PandaPrincess: we’re tight

 

PandaPrincess: bros right?

 

SockSenpai: er hella bros! yas!

 

PunPrince: lol this is cringe as fuck

 

Taco: mikasamatsau pls

 

FukuiK: anyways I rlly gotta go

 

FukuiK: talk to yall soon

 

Taco: wait DON’T LEAVE NO DON’T GO OFFLINE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY STORY PLS DON’T LEAVE AND UR OFFLINE FUCK

 

TheShadyKing: takao stop being pathetic and lemme tell ya about me and makoto having sex

 

TheShadyKing: “Oh my god shoi yes gimme that big cock!”_ makoto when I pound that sweet pussy

 

SockSenpai: shut the fuck up that’s disgusting

 

FuriKou: eww it is kinda gross

 

BlackWidHoe: shoi I have never said that in my fucking life lmao

 

FuriKou: omg I gotta go my moms home! Time for dinner!

 

PunPrince: bye you furry furi!

 

Taco: u fucking rude ass binch why u gotta leave before my story

 

BlackWidHoe: I hope u die lol

 

TheShadyKing: makoto don’t be edgy, bye bye furifuri

 

PandaPrincess: UM YOU ASSHOLES GAVE THIS FURIHATA BOY A BETTER SEND OFF THAN ME

 

BlackWidHoe: because we don’t like u lmao

 

FuriKou: oh hanamiya san pls don’t be rude to fukui san its just that you haven’t been in this group chat for long and everyone doesn’t know u that much im sure they’ll be giving u warmer goodbyes once we get to know u better!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: How are you so nice? It’s borderline ridiculous how sweet you are.

 

FuriKou: oh ahahah thank you Akashi my moms always taught me to be the nicest you can, and its pretty hella advice if u rlly think about it!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I’ll keep it in mind, it does sound very ‘hella’.

 

BlackWidHoe: oh. My. Fucking. God. Just go and touch dicks already

 

BlackWidHoe: OR just leave

 

FuriKou: omg makoto um im not gonna do that that’s gross and dumb and stupid and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM LEAVING

 

PunPrince: ugh akashit furi just ignore that poopy spider

 

SockSepai: *promiscuous?

 

PunPrince: meh same thing

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Have fun at your family Furi dinner. Don’t let your brothers gloating get to you. And don’t let Hanamiya’s words get to you either.

 

BlackWidHoe: RUDE

 

FuriKou: alright thanks Akashi!

 

Taco: now that furi the furry is gone imam tell the rest of yall about me and SIN CHAN getting it onnnnnnnnnn

 

“That. Was a fucking awful documentary.” Takao announced and to his surprise Midorima nodded.

 

“It wasn’t the best. And now my feet are cold.” Midorima frowned at his feet and wiggling his pale toes. Takao laughed and scooted over on the couch, crushing an empty chip packet underneath his ass as he moved closer to his crush.

 

“Not as cold as mine I bet.” Takao teased and lifted his leg and pressed his foot to Midorima’s bare arms, shrieking in amusement as the green haired boy squirmed and shoved him away.

 

“Kazunari.” Midorima scolded him as he pressed his fingers to the spot on his arm where Takao’s foot had been pressed against. “What is wrong with you?”

 

Takao hummed and dug a pair of socks out of his gym bag and tossed them in Midorima’s direction.

 

“Here. They’re clean don’t worry!”

 

Midorima held the wool socks in his hand for a moment before flashing Takao a rare smile as he pulled the socks on.

 

“Thank you Kazunari.”

 

“No problemo Shin-chan.”

 

Midorima tucked his long legs under him and watched Takao as the boy picked up their worksheet and examined it closely.

 

“So it says here to list all the main characters. Oh hell naw didn’t you think that the main character looked like Imayoshit? Y’know he was being so gross today in the group chat? He started talking about pounding Hanameme’s pussy ewwww am I right?”

 

Midorima rolled his eyes hard, trying not to blush as he tried to get Takao to shut up.

 

“Kazunari please-“

 

“Kasa was disgusted as fuck! It was so weird, he seemed more pissed about it than usual. You think that means something? He always seems kinda annoyed and grossed out when we talk about sex and I’m starting to think he’s-“

 

“Kazunari it’s not polite to talk about someone behind their back.” Midorima said and Takao grinned up at him.

 

“Awwww well I guess, can we go back to Imayoshit and Hanameme fucking because I’ve been thinking about having sex with a vagina like that must be weird right, and the boobs don’t even get me started on the boobs-“

 

Takao found himself being cut off by Midorima as the green haired boy pressed his hand to Takao’s mouth firmly.

 

“Kazunari what don’t you get about not talking about people’s sexual activities and relationships!” Midorima seemed flustered as hell and it only seemed to be getting worse as Takao blinked up at him with his huge gorgeous eyes.

 

Takao slowly grabbed Midorima’s wrist and coaxed his hand away from his face and smiled a strange smile Midorima had never seen on him before. It was shy and unsure but pretty nonetheless.

 

“Maybe…we can talk about…our relationship?” Takao murmured and laced his fingers with Midorima’s. The taller boy looked at their intertwined fingers in alarm before his expression melted into serenity.

 

“What’s there to talk about?” Midorima whispered back and awkwardly placed his hand on Takao’s cheek much to the ravens pleasure.

 

“Mhmmm there’s not much to talk about…not yet anyways.” Takao purred and before he could lose the sudden courage he was struck with, pressed his lips to Midorima’s in a heated kiss. And all that mattered to Takao in that moment was that Midorima was kissing him back with the same, if not more, passion.

 

PunPrince: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO PROUD OF U

 

BlackWidHoe: that was cheesy as fuck lmao

 

BlackWidHoe: glad u and carrot got together tho lol

 

TheShadyKing: awwwww ya know that was rlly sweet actually hahaha who knew a vegetable and a Mexican delicacy would make such a cute couple

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I just texted Midorima oh my gosh this is actually true.

 

Taco: Y DO U SOUND SURPIRSED UM BINCH WAT

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Well, I’m glad you and Midorima got together.

 

SockSenpai: yeah me too! I hope midorima can calm you down a little takao

 

Taco: MHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MAYBE I CAN TURN HIM OVER TO THE DARK SIDE the curazy side

 

PunPrince: midorimas gonna be so crazy like kazu lel Xd

 

BlackWidHoe: brb gonna go throw up my fucking dinner im surrounded by cringe lords jfc

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Maybe you’re upset that you can’t make fun of Takao for not having a boyfriend anymore.

 

BlackWidHoe: EW GET AWAY FROM ME BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHH STUPID GO DIE

 

TheShadyKing: aw man now I gotta calm him down thanks akashit

 

AkashiSeijuurou: You’re welcome.

 

SockSenpai: good luck with that imayoshit. I need to go guys. This English paper wont write itself. Bye.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Bye Kasamatsu. Good luck with that English paper. If you need help Reo and I are both fluent in English so just give me a call and we can both help you.

 

SockSenpai: woah…Akashi that’s nice as hell thanks! If I need help im definitely asking you two…well maybe just you Akashi, mibuchi’s beauty intimidates me

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hahaha alright, talk to you soon Kasamatsu.

 

PunPrince: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I LOVE IT WHEN AKASHIT SUBTLY ROASTS PEOPLE

 

PunPrince: “no problem”

 

PunPrince: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO SAVAGE

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Thanks Shun. I’ve learned from the best.

 

PunPrince: ME?!!?!?!?!?!?

 

AkashiSejuurou: No, Mayuzumi.

 

PunPrince: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUK U AKASHIT GO EAT A BUMBLEBEE OR SOMETHING

 

Taco: don’t eat bees theyre diminishing at an alarming rate

 

PunPrince: woahhhhhhh swallowing midorimas spit mustve made u like a bajillion times smarter now u got all these facts about bees and shit! My bae is so smart!

 

Taco: bae I gotta tell u something

 

PunPrince: ???

 

Taco: me and shintarou are dating now…I don’t think we can be boyfriends anymore…

 

PunPrince: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 


	12. kuroko the not so friendly ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "not you, you can choke"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smaller chapter i know but i hope i made up for it with memes!!! and pictures!!! ahhhh!!! also pls welcome kuroko yall! hope u guys love this update! and if u dont lememe know ill stop with the pics next chapter!

"So favourite thing you own. Go!"

 

Kuroko thought about it for a moment and then answered.

 

"I have these shoes that my grandmother bought for me when I was little. They don't fit me anymore, of course, but they're pretty much the only branded items I have. I wore them all the time when I was younger. I loved those shoes..."

 

Kagami ruffled his boyfriends hair with an affectionate grin.

 

"Damn that's cute. And don't worry, I'll buy you all the branded clothes you'll ever want!"

 

Kuroko smiled back.

 

"Perks of having a rich boyfriend." Kuroko teased and Kagami mock frowned.

 

“Is that all I am to you? A damn money bag?”

 

“No, of course not.” Kuroko replied and pet Kagami’s crotch gently. “You’re a money bag with a dick attached to it.”

 

Kagami protested loudly as Kuroko laughed and gave his boyfriend a quick kiss to calm him down.

 

“I’m kidding, Taiga-kun, I love you for who you are on the outside also the fact that you’re incredibly attractive and can cook well and have a nice, long, thick meaty penis and you’re really good at the sport I’m in love with. You are truly what Izuki-senpai refers to as hashtag husband goals.”

 

“Oh…damn, hahaha thanks babe. You really know how to make a dude feel better about himself!”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

The young couple had been getting to know each other all afternoon as they strolled through the mall. Kagami had started it as he had taken offence when Riko had accused the two of dating when they hardly knew each other and had made it his duty to find out about everything and anything about his small boyfriend and a game of twenty questions seemed the best and most entertaining way possible.

 

"So what about you Taiga-kun? Your favourite thing? Besides basketball, of course, and me. Please do not go all cheesy on me.”

 

Kagami ducked his head looking embarrassed. Either his answer was something super lame or he had just realized that they were passing by a lingerie store. Kuroko nodded to the mannequins. He recognized them from Izuki and Takao's snap chat shenanigans where they had gotten kicked out of the store for their general inappropriateness. 

 

"Well uh, this is gonna sound pretty shitty compared to your thing but uh...remember the underwear that I bought you? The one where your ass cheeks hang out?"

 

"...yes."

 

"That's my favourite thing…”

 

Kuroko froze and looked at Kagami like he was joking. The other merely scratched the back of his neck and smiled bashfully down at his boyfriend.

 

“It’s not that nostalgic and shit but your little ass looks really fucking good in those panties.”

 

“But they don’t cover my behind fully. They’re not very practical if you ask me.”

 

Kagami snickered as he stared at his blank faced boyfriend.

 

“You’re right, they’re not practical but they’re sexy as hell. Aw c’mon don’t look at me like. I also like that apron you got me! Y’know the one with the abs on it. The six pack? Even though? I have? A six pack?”

 

“I liked that apron. But I prefer licking your real abs.”

 

“Tetsuya please.”

 

Kuroko merely smiled as he grabbed his boyfriends hand and tried to drag him towards the bathroom, feeling a sudden urge to lick Kagami’s six pack in real life.

 

“Come to the bathroom with me. I want to give you a blow job.”

 

“Oh fuck Tetsuya, I love your blunt but sexy dirty talk.”

 

Kuroko dropped his bags and pushed Kagami behind the closest potted plant and pulled him into a deep kiss.

 

“Mhmmm, hey is that your phone? Seriously dude can’t you silence that? We’re having a moment here.”

 

Kuroko frowned as he pulled away from his boyfriends delicious ass mouth and pulled his phone out of the pocket of his skinny jeans and glared at the screen lighting up with notifications from…skype?

 

It couldn’t be the generation of miracle group chat could it? Kuroko had those bitches on mute. The Seirin group chat maybe? Nah, Hyuuga had accidentally said something gay and then panicked and deleted everyone but Kuroko and him in the chat in an effort to keep his heterosexuality intact.

 

Then what group chat could it be?

 

Kuroko unlocked his phone as Kagami tapped his foot impatiently next to him.

 

Oh HELL to the no.

 

Kuroko shoved past Kagami and plopped his little ass on the nearest bench and started typing angrily.

 

“Um…what the fuck are you doing? Don’t you blue ball me again!”

 

“Hold on Taiga-kun, this is more important than your pathetic swollen penis that wants to sneeze all over me right now.”

 

_5: 24 pm_

 

Kuroko: Pardon my French but

 

Kuroko: What the fuck is this bullshit.

 

PunPrince: damn k bag u need to calm down

 

PunPrince: I thought ud love being here!

 

Kuroko: I do not

 

BlackWidHoe: why the fuck is he here

 

BlackWidHoe: he aint no POINT GUARD

 

Taco: neither was reo but he was here for like two weeks lol

 

BlackWidHoe: UNTIL I KICKED HIS PLUMP ASS OUTTA DIS GROUPCHAT

 

BlackWidHoe: which imma do to casper the bitchy ghost if yall don’t give me a good reason to let him say

 

PunPrince: aw cmon!!! K bag is rad af! Basketball monthly called kuroko a point guard which must mean that hes one!

 

Kuroko: I do not like basketball monthly.

 

SockSenpai: oh hey kuroko!

 

SockSenpai: I don’t like bball monthly either.

 

SockSenpai: a couple months ago they had a poll where they asked the readers who the most attractive high school basketball player was reo won the poll because 57% of the votes! Kise only had 32%! I might be biased because im closer to kise but cmon, hes totally more attractive right?

 

PunPrince: …oh my god kasa ur so whipped

 

PandaPrincess: hey you can think someones hot without wanting to date them! Like I think wei’s hot as shit! But I don’t wanna date him!

 

FuriKou: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

FuriKou: omg whos wei

 

BlackWidHoe: just when I thought,,,you couldn’t be more annoying,,,you just surpassed it,,,ughhhhhhhhh

 

Kuroko: Why are you so rude to Furihata-kun? Maybe you should shut off your computer and remove the stick from your anus and turn the computer on and come back to us then?

 

PunPrince: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH GET WRECKT HOENAMAIYA LMAO BURNED

 

TheShadyKing: holy shit lmao makoto even I cant help u from that burn

 

FuriKou: thanks for defending me kuroko omg

 

Kuroko: No problem.

 

Taco: nawwwwwwwwwwwww kuroko is sweet as fuck k bag defend me!

 

Kuroko: Not you, you can choke.

 

PunPrince: DID KUROKO JUST MAKE A MEME REFERENCE HOLY SHIT

 

Kuroko: Maybe.

 

TheShadyKing: (fukui ya think ya Chinese team mate is hot?)

 

PandaPrincess: (yeah but dude can we like not talk about it, its complicated.)

 

TheShadyKing: (huh alright man)

 

Taco: (can I join this secret conversation too?)

 

PandaPrincess: (*kuroko voice* not u u can choke)

 

BlackWidHoe: okay so homeboi can roast good, BUT THAT AINT KEEPING HIM HERE

 

Kuroko: Now that Hanamiya-san doesn’t want me here I want to be in this group chat about ten times more

 

BlackWidHoe: WOW UH OKAY ILL GIVE U A WEEK TO DO SOMETHING COOL AND WORTHY TO STAY IN THIS AMAZING ASS GROUP CHAT

 

Kuroko: ‘amazing ass group chat?’

 

Kuroko: You all were talking about the likelihood of your penis exploding if you have too many orgasms.

 

TheShadyKing: ya know what my life motto is

 

PunPrince: what ur life motto is

 

TheShadyKing: there is no such thing as too many orgasms

 

SockSenpai: guys can we please not talk about this

 

Taco: UM IF U HAVE LIKE 69 ORGASMS IN A ROW THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YO PEE PEE

 

Taco: that’s what my sister calls a penis lol

 

BlackWidHoe: …aight

 

BlackWidHoe: the most consecutive orgasms ive ever had is probs like three da fuq

 

Kuroko: That’s a solid number.

 

PunPrince: FUCK U HOENAMIYA FUCK U FOR BEING ABLE TO HAVE ALL THOSE ORGASMS WHEN ALL US PENIS HAVERS CAN ONLY HAVE ONE

 

Kuroko: That does suck quite a bit.

 

Kuroko: But we don’t have periods.

 

FuriKou: I think both uh…vagina havers and penis havers both have pros and cons! We shouldn’t fight over who has it better guys! We should be grateful for what we have instead!

 

BlackWidHoe: aight go put that shit on a motivational poster and hang it up in ur schools hallway, I WILL ARGUE WITH DESE BITCHES TILL DEATH THEY’LL BE PUTTING ME IN MY GRAVE AND ILL STILL BE YELLING AT IZUKI AND KUROKO ABOUT HOW VAGINA’S ARE BETTER

 

SockSenpai: guys pls

 

TheShadyKing: ya guys need to stop for while kasa don’t wanna talk about this shit so lets just stop

 

FuriKou: imayoshi san youre being so kind…are you okay?

 

BlackWidHoe: u best not be trying to hit up my man hoehuauaua

 

FuriKou: omg I was just talking to him im sorry!

 

BlackWidHoe: don’t fuckin test me!!!

 

PunPrince: bitches be like “don’t fuckin test me!!!”

 

PunPrince: and I be like

 

PunPrince:

 

BlackWidHoe: these hoes couldn’t test me, even if they name WAS POP QUIZ!!!

 

SockSenpai: im laughing omg this is too funny to stop

 

PandaPrincess: _*gets popcorn*_

 

SockSenpai: damn Im rlly craving popcorn right now

 

PandaPrincess: have some of mine, we’re ‘hella bros’ aren’t we?

 

SockSenpai: aw thanks fukui

 

Taco: omg I want popcorn can I have some

 

PandaPrincess: do I even have to say it

 

Taco: aw well imma make my own crispy ass popcorn

 

Taco: shin chans got this machine that’s futuristic af and makes popcorn with legit corn!!! Omg!! Imma go make me a fresh batch

 

Taco: did I mention shin chans my bf yet

 

Taco: cuz he is

 

TheShadyKing: mhm ya may have mentioned it occasionally

 

PunPrince:

 

PunPrince: now…back to…this BITCH THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY TO SEIRIN BEFORE OUR MATCH HANAMIYA WHATS GOOD

 

Kuroko: I do not know about you guys but I’m on team Izuki senpai.

 

SockSenpai: same

 

FuriKou: guys pls stop fighting omg

 

BlackWidHoe: …fuck u shun ur ugly as hell

 

TheShadyKing: damn bae u run outta insults that quick?

 

BlackWidHoe: WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT ME WATCHU WATCHU KNOW ABOUT ME

 

TheShadyKing: a lot actually lol

 

BlackWidHoe: 

 

TheShadyKing: aight ill shut up

 

Kuroko: That is quite embarrassing.

 

Kuroko: You two are pathetic.

 

Kuroko: Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to my needy almost as pathetic boyfriend.

 

PunPrince: if u don’t want kagami anymore can I have him

 

PunPrince: I wanna add him to my boyfriend club

 

PunPrince: I wanna CATCH EM ALL

 

Kuroko: No.

 

Taco: WHEN KUROKO MAKES A SICK BURN

 

Taco: 

 

Taco: it took me like five minutes to send that picture because I was laughing so hard at the file name

 

SockSenpai: what was the file name?

 

Taco: SPOONGEBOOB AHAHAHAHAHA

 

FuriKou: IM LAUHGIN BUT IM ALSO SCARED SO IM GOING TO LEAVE BYe

 

TheShadyKing: FUCK I JUST SPAT MY DIRNK

 

SockSenpai: this conversation is the best bday gift you guys could ever give me its so funny

 

FuriKou: BIRTHDAY OMG HAPPY BDAY KASA IM SO SORRY I FORGOT ILL NEVER FORGET AGAIN I SWEAR

 

BlackWidHoe: burdayyyyyyyyyy hapy mommy

 

PunPrince: HAPPY BIRTH SHIT KASA IM SORRY I FORGOT LEMME DRAW U SOMETHING REAL QUICK a sexy kise?

 

SockSenpai: ...no thank you

 

Taco: MOMMYMATSU IM SORRY I FORGOT IM COMING OVER RN

 

SockSenpai: oh my god this is why I didn’t tell u guys I knew you guys would overreact!

 

Taco: this isn’t overreacting!!!

 

Taco: its called being a good friend!

 

Taco: now open up ur fucking door mikasa

 

PandaPrincess: well that’s not threatening

 

SockSenpai: hell no also im not at home im in my college dorm duh

 

SockSenpai: im with my friends, we had a mini party for me

 

TheShadyKing: damn we aint ya friends aight I see how it is

 

BlackWidHoe: and I made u a fuckin friendship bracelet

 

BlackWidHoe: 

 

PunPrince: damn hanamiyas a freak SO KINKY

 

BlackWidHoe: Im GONNA FUCKIN LEAVE IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT GOOD RIDDANCE AND GOODBYE

 

Taco: damn bae who knew six words could scare hanamiya off for good

 

PunPrince: don’t CALL ME BAE GO TALK TO UR OTHER REAL BAE MIDORIMA

 

Taco: i done fucked up yall

 

Taco: i done fucked up

 

_11: 44pm_

 

AkashiSeijuurou:

 

AkashiSeijuurou: When you log onto skype six hours later and you see that not only that one of your ex team mates is in this chat now but you missed a ‘fire’ ‘roast’ between two ‘savage’ ‘bois.

 

_12: 17 am_

 

Kuroko: That is the worst thing you've ever said in your entire life Akashi-kun.

 

Kuroko: And that's saying something.

 


	13. the mandatory gay beach scene we all needed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> youve heard of gays in space but get ready for GAYS AT THE BEACH!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dedicate this chapter to my beautiful wonderful friend madz who i may have accidentally ruined my friendship with cuz i was being a huge bitch and to mochi whos so sweet and awesome and is always there for me when im emo and u guys i love u so much pls dont me i screwed everything up!!! i love my pives and i also love my readers because 4k reads?!?!?!!? YASSSSS u guys are da real mvps!

It was a beautiful sunny day and Rakuzan was taking a well deserved break at an equally beautiful beach, white sparkling sand stretching as far as the eye could see. The glimmering blue water was cool which was perfect to soak your sun burnt skin in. While four of the five said Rakuzan members were enjoying their day off, the other 20% was being a bit…strange. Strange even for him.

 

“Chi-chan what the hell are you doing?” Reo sounded more aggressive than usual. “Come over here and cuddle me!”

 

Any sane person would’ve dropped whatever they were doing to cuddle Reo who was showing off her curves in a skimpy bikini as she laid on her beach towel but for some fucking reason Mayuzumi continued walking around in circles, staring at his phone and muttering to himself, completely ignoring the fucking bombshell of his girlfriend who pouted aggressively.

 

Akashi curled his pale bare legs so his whole body was covered by Reo’s large umbrella. He put his head on Reo’s toned stomach, dangerously close to the panty area but Mayuzumi didn’t even care.

 

“What are you even doing Chihiro?”

 

Mayuzumi let out an inhuman noise and dashed towards the sea.

 

“FUCK YOU AKASHIT I FOUND A SQUIRLTE!”

 

Reo giggled and stroked Akashi’s hair.

 

“Honey don’t worry he’s been on edge all week like I’ve been. Ignoring me to catch…pac men?”

 

Hayama shrieked with laughter as he rolled around in the sand right next to the two of them, getting dangerously close to one of the impressive sand castles Nebuya had built.

 

“REO-NEE! It’s called pokemon go! Not pac men go!”

 

“Ugh whatever. I just hope that Chi-chan accidentally drops his phone in the sea so he can pay more attention to me right now!”

 

Reo took a long aggressive sip from the can of iced tea she had between her breasts. It was hard to look angry when you had a brightly coloured cylinder of metal with a a curly straw sticking out of it between your boobies.

 

“Okay I caught it, I caught it, all is good.” Mayuzumi slipped his phone into his swim trunks and returned to his official spot laying next  Reo. The disgusting couple rubbed their faces together as they reunited after their one minute away from each other. “I used a shit ton of balls on that damn Squirtle though.”

 

 _“I wish he’d use his balls on me.”_ Reo swooned in French and Akashi muffled his laughter by pressing his face into Reo’s stomach. He loved how shameless Reo was when she spoke in her native language.

 

Akashi felt a tug on his pretty red head and he felt his head being pulled away from Reo’s bare torso by none other than Mayonnaise himself.

 

“Aw hell naw Akashit. Not on my watch. Go hang out with gorilla and that pussy cat.”

 

Reo frowned as she squinted through her expensive sunglasses at her boyfriend.

 

“Don’t call them that hun.”

 

“Blehhhhhhhhh whatever.” Mayuzumi pulled his phone out of his swim trunks and turned it on, checking something before tossing the still opened phone near Akashi who, of course, picked the phone up and stared at the screen.

 

“Um.” Akashi said, feeling a tiny bit out if loop as he stared at the app that so many people around him were talking about. “What is this app?”

 

Mayuzumi froze and snatched his phone back looking suspicious.

 

“Is it grindr?” Hayama shouted and Mayuzumi looked frustrated.

 

“What the hell? No!”

 

Reo lowered her sunglasses and gave Mayuzumi a hard stare.

 

“Is it?”

 

“NO! Of course not! I got me a lovely lady! I don’t even like guys, I’m-“

 

“Reo-sexual yeah we get it.” Nebuya chuckled. “If your secret app isn’t grindr then what the hell is it?”

 

Mayuzumi took a look at his phone and he sighed.

 

“Seriously? Akashit, this is pokemon go, haven’t you heard of it?”

 

“Oh…of course I’ve heard of it. I just, haven’t had time to check it out yet…” Akashi lied trying to seem like one of the #kool katz.

 

“Damn Akashit you’re a bad liar.” Hayama remarked as he rolled over onto his stomach and rested his sand speckled chin in his sand speckled hands. “If you don’t know what it is we’ll tell ya!”

 

Akashi sighed before scooting over to sit next to Hayama, wincing as he felt the sun on his delicate skin.

 

“Please, tell me about this application.”

* * *

 

Fifteen minutes later Akashi and Mayuzumi were wandering around the beach trying to find Akashi his first pokemon. Reo had persuaded her boyfriend into helping Akashi download the app and find him his first pokemon which apparently would help Mayuzumi get on his girlfriends good side again after ignoring her for the past week.

 

“Oh! OH! My phones vibrating what does that mean?”

 

Mayuzumi sighed and dragged his foot through the sand as he took a step away from Akashi and the porta potty which Akashi just had to catch his first fucking pokemon in front of.

 

“It either means you’re getting a call or a pokemon is nearby. And since you’re a fucking lame ass that has no friends, it’s probably a pokemon.”

 

Akashi flinched and stared down at his phone and Mayuzumi grunted out an apology.

 

“Shit that was…too much sorry. Reo missed her period and she’s scared as fuck and I’m all tense and shit and I just…sorry man just catch that pokemon alright?”

 

Akashi nodded and smiled at the strange apology before clicking on the little creature on his screen and showing Mayuzumi his phone.

 

“It’s alright, I hope you and Reo sort out your problem. Anyways, how do I catch it?”

 

“You throw your pokeball at it.”

 

Mayuzumi failed to elaborate because Akashi p _ulled his arm back and fucking threw his phone against the door of the porta potty_. A shriek came from inside and Akashi stared at his phone that was nestled in the sand with a big ass crack in it and he looked sad.

 

“I don’t think I caught it.”

 

Mayuzumi trembled, No. He wasn’t going to laugh. Not at all. This wasn’t funny at all. He tried to think of something really not funny. Reo being all hormonal and pregnant. Reo with a big ass belly bump crying because she accidentally ate something with milk in it. Nope. Uh uh. That did the trick. Mayuzumi kept his lips pressed together tightly as Akashi retrieved his phone and sullenly tossed it into the trash.

 

“It’s alright, I have a backup phone in my bag.”

 

“Fucking rich people.” Mayuzumi snorted as the door to the porta potty opened and a guy exited it with a terrified look in his eyes.

 

“Okay what the fuck was that thing that just hit the door?” Furihata snapped in spanish as he exited the porta potty before making eye contact with Akashi and yelping. “S-seijuurou-kun! Mayuzumi-san! Hi!”

 

Akashi brightened as he hid the broken phone behind his back and smiled at his friend.

 

“Kouki?”

 

It was Furihata except…it wasn’t? The Furihata Akashi knew didn’t have a smattering of freckles all over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, all over his shoulders and around his tanned hips and all round his navel, disappearing in the thin trail of hair that went down into Furihata’s low hanging shorts. Akashi quickly looked up, praying that he could play off the redness of his cheeks as a sun burn.

 

“Sei d-did you-?”

 

Mayuzumi couldn’t take the two homosexuals anymore. They probably would’ve spent the rest of the day staring at each others half naked bodies if he hadn’t interrupted them.

 

“Hey Chihuahua, your boyfriend threw his phone against the door ‘cause he’s a fucking grandpa when it comes to technology. God bless.”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend-“

 

“Or were you two playing pokemon go? I love that game! I heard a rumour that there was a Mewto here but that’s not true is it? I’m not very good at the game so I wouldn’t know but my brother’s an expert and- Oh I’m rambling again aren’t I?”

 

Akashi laughed endearingly at Furihata while Mayuzumi just cringed and willed for Reo to appear to save the day even though she was already acting like she was pregnant and probably would only get up for extreme emergencies like a hurricane or a thunder storm or to slap some shit into a fuck boy that tried to mess with her.

 

Mayuzumi blinked twice when he realized that the two gays were in an animated conversation full of dramatic hand waves and tender shoulder touches. Mayuzumi felt the need to barge in to the conversation before any dicks were whipped out.

 

“Is the rest of your dumbass team here? How did you all get in? This is a private beach.” Mayuzumi butted in and Furihata looked flustered.

 

“Yeah we’re all h-here. We were looking for a place to c-chill so if we could-“

 

“You’re welcome to stay with us!” Akashi said with a broad smile and Mayuzumi aggressively rolled his eyes.

 

“Sure, anyways, how the fuck did y’all get in? This is a private beach.”

 

“Oh, hahaha, coach Riko picked the lock.”

 

“Ah that makes sense.”

 

_3: 14 pm_

 

TheShadyKing: aight so my bae and shun were in a picture/meme war last week and I wanna join in

 

TheShadyKing: the picture part ya know im apparently hopeless when it comes to memes

 

TheShadyKing: 

 

TheShadyKing: me (lol literally me ya know) when I saw my beautiful boyfriend all nakie nakie

 

SockSenpai: what the fuck is wrong with u.

 

TheShadyKing: WOW UM OKAY don’t kink shame me mommy yukio I was v delighted when I saw the hanabody without any baggy clothes covering it

 

SockSenpai: but you don’t look delighted in that picture you look scared

 

TheShadyKing: well maybe makoto didn’t shave that day and I was horrified by the jungle he had downstairs

 

BlackWidHoe: FUCK OFF I looked damn good when we first had sex and u know it

 

TheShadyKing: ;) mhm I dooooooo

 

SockSenpai: guys um can we please not

 

BlackWidHoe: lmao yeah sure anything for mommymatsu

 

Kuroko: Imayoshi-san while you might be a decent boyfriend for talking about your lover so much I can assure you that Taiga-kun is a better boyfriend.

 

TheShadyKing: ohohoho is that so?

 

Kuroko: It is.

 

Kuroko: Let me put it in meme form so you understand me better.

 

Kuroko: _*Kanye voice*_ imma let you finish but taiga-kun is the best boyfriend OF ALL TIME

 

TheShadyKing: holy shit lmao I dig it

 

SockSenpai: Oh I got that reference! Heh damn kuroko ur so a savage!

 

BlackWidHoe: pls no mommymatsu

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Are we making Kanye references? Can I join in?

 

TheShadyKing: lmao sure

 

Kuroko: I would love to see you try (and fail).

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I FEEL LIKE ME AND CHIHIRO COULD STILL HAVE SEX I MADE THAT BITCH FAMOUS

 

TheShadyKing: IM CRYING AHAIKASAGNNEGAKKNASKV

 

BlackWidHoe: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT DUDES NOT WRONG

 

SockSenpai: Akashi I love you oh crap

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Thanks.

 

Kuroko: Akashi kun please.

 

By now all of Seirin had unloaded their shit from Riko’s dads car and were mingling with the Rakuzan crew. Riko was chilling with Reo under the taller girls umbrella and was definitely not staring at the ample titty.

 

Koganei had befriended Hayama and Nebuya and they were all playing some sort of fucked up game where Nebuya and Hayama would compete to build a sand castle and Mitobe would judge the best one and then Koganei would destroy it. Koganei was a fucking punk ass kitty cat.

 

Kuroko and Akashi and Furihata were sat off to the side chatting while Kagami, Kiyoshi and Nigou took turns playing hide and seek except Kagami didn’t know about the game and he kept screaming whenever Nigou jump scared him like from the cooler or the picnic basket where Kiyoshi had stealthily hid the pupper.

 

Even Mayuzumi, Tsuchida and Tsuchia’s girlfriend were getting along, talking about pokemon go in excited voices as they set everything up for lunch. Hyuuga would’ve joined them if he wasn’t so busy looking for a certain black haired point guard.

 

“Teppei where’s Shun?”

 

Kiyoshi helped Nigou climb into Reo’s purse as he shrugged.

 

“I dunno, the last I saw of him he was still in the car being all quiet…I wonder if he’s okay.”

 

Hyuuga tried not to let it show how frustrated he was at the gentle giant.

 

“Seriously dude? He’s your damn boyfriend! Don’t you care about him?”

 

That melted the smile right off of Kiyoshi’s face. He watched Nigou wriggle around in the bag for a moment before unzipping it and letting the puppy run away freely before answering.

 

“Of course I care about him but…you know how he gets sometimes. He just wants to be left alone. Plus, I never know what to say to make him feel better so-“

 

“That’s not a fucking excuse to ignore him when he goes all fucking sad and shit! Can’t you like, I dunno, hold him or tell him everything’s gonna be alright and just make him feel wanted because we both know his depression centers around him feeling like he’s being ignored all the time!”

 

Hyuuga tried to control his breathing and he flushed a bright red as he noticed Reo and Riko staring at him with open mouths.

 

Kiyoshi had his jaw on the floor as well.

 

“Well.” Reo said at last. “It seems like you really care about him honey.”

 

Riko nodded and fished around in her tote bag for the spare set of keys for her dads mini van and tossed them to Hyuuga who caught it with minimal fumbling.

 

“Go check up on him Junpei. It’s the least you can do for him. For us.”

 

Hyuuga looked to Kiyoshi who leaned over and thumped him on the back.

 

“He likes you, he really does. He’s gonna be really happy when he sees that you went to check up on him. Now go before Mayuzumi recognizes you and tries to punch you again hahaha oh my goodness I was kidding.”

 

_3: 37 pm_

 

PandaPrincess: do u ever like forget that ur a human

 

SockSenpai: omfg all the time

 

BlackWidHoe: wtf are u two on drugs

 

BlackWidHoe: u guys suck for getting all fucked up and not inviting me lmao

 

PandaPrincess: im not on no drugs!!!!

 

PandaPrincess: I was just in the shower and looked down at my hands and remembered that I controlled them and I curled my fingers and I spent like a half hour trying to figure out how my fingers moved without me directly ordering them to and then I looked into the mirror and remembered a skeleton was inside of me and I think I had a massive brain fart

 

TheShadyKing: technically ya brain is inside of ya skeleton so ur inside a skeleton not the other way around

 

PandaPrincess: ...

 

Taco: _*singing*_ hes broken, hes broken!!! B-R-O-K-E-N hes broken!

 

TheShadyKing: oh there ya are!

 

TheShadyKing: where u been bird chan?

 

Taco: exploring every crevice of shin chans mouth with the muscle that is located in my mouth ;) but u don’t know nothing about kissing would u hanameme?

 

BlackWidHoe: I am THIS close to killing you in your sleep tonight

 

Taco: MHMMM FEELING SHIN CHANS FAT DICK TWITCHING AS I KISS HIM

 

SockSenpai: please hanamiya wake me up so I can call us a taxi to takaos place I wanna watch u end this asshole

 

Taco: ;0

 

Hyuuga stared at his best friend in the back seat of Kagetora’s car, headphones tighly secured over his ears and tears streaming from his reddened swollen eyes as he rocked back in forth, mouthing the words to his favourite songs as Kagetora ignored everything from where he was in the front seat and scrolling through his phone.

 

Hyuuga felt ridiculously pissed as he knocked on the window of the car furiously. Kagetora dropped his phone looking startled and opened the door with a crass look on his face.

 

“Four eyes what the hell-“

 

“He’s fucking crying his eyes out and you’re just ignoring him. What kind of fucking jack ass are you?” Hyuuga spat and climbed into the car and over the front seats so he could get to Izuki. “Now can you please get the hell out of my way so I can talk to my depressed, lonely ass friend.”

 

Kagetora’s face softened as he looked at Izuki who had taken off his headphones and was staring at the two of them with an incredibly sad look in his incredibly beautiful eyes.

 

“Alright. I’ll uh, just be out here. Shit I’m sorry cutie-kun I didn’t notice-“

 

“It’s okay.” Izuki whispered to avoid an embarrassing voice crack. “Junpei d-did someone send you?”

 

“No.” It was only a partial lie. “I wanted to check up on you. Are you okay?”

 

Izuki shook his head and he sighed a small sigh of relief as Kagetora exited the car and closed it with a click.

 

“I just…” He trailed off looking so lost and afraid that all Hyuuga wanted to do was hold him close and reassure this beautiful boy that everything was gonna be okay. So he did.

 

His arms around Izuki were tight but not restricting. His words were soft but not too soft that Izuki wouldn’t hear him over his loud sniffles.

 

“Hey now, you’re gonna be alright. Whatever made you upset, consider it gone. Was it Teppei? Did he make you sad? Consider that asshole dead. Mori? He hurt your feelings? I’ll drop kick him off the fucking Tokyo tower! Hanamiya? I’ll-“

 

Izuki was back to his giddy self, giggling as he buried his face in Hyuuga’s neck.

 

“Junpei it was nothing like that I swear. Just the combination of being shoved into a hot car with too many people and all that noise and I just…lost it y’know?”

 

Hyuuga nodded and pushed Izuki’s bangs away from his face so he could look into his friends eyes directly.

 

“Shun, I have enough money for two train tickets. You want me to take you to your dads place? Or we could just stay here and-“

 

“Junpei I think I’m ready to go out there, chill with the Seirin fam!”

 

Hyuuga chuckled and ruffled Izuki’s hair.

 

“Rakuzan’s there too.”

 

“Oh yay! Seriously Junpei…I know my mood swings can be a lot to handle and shit but you handle them so well and…I can’t thank you enough.”

 

“No problem.”

 

Izuki pulled his face away from Hyuuga’s neck to give Hyuuga a shit eating grin that still managed to look somewhat menacing even with Izuki’s puffy face.

 

“Oh Junpei, one more thing.”

 

“Um alright, what is it- AW SHUN YOU’RE FUCKING DISGUSTING!”

 

Izuki finished blowing his nose in Hyuuga’s shirt before finding himself in a choke hold.

 

“Oh Junpei stawwwwwwwwwp you know you love me!”

 

Hyuuga didn’t reply, just focused on trying to kill his stupidly perfect friend without actually hurting him.

 

_4: 07 pm_

 

TheShadyKing: sometimes I just sit in the shower fully clothed and eat my daily snack while thinking about having babies with makoto

 

SockSenpai: what the fuck

 

TheShadyKing: yesterday was apple slices covered in peanut butter and I thought about potential names I could give me and makotos baby girl

 

BlackWidHoe: shoi wont let me name our non existent daughter after me how fucking rude is he

 

TheShadyKing: im the father I deserve to choose a name for my baby!

 

BlackWidHoe: BITCH who the FUCK DO YOU THINK IS GONNA CARRY SAID BABY IN THEIR VAGINA

 

BlackWidHoe: NOT U HOE

 

Taco: hes gotta point #LETHANAMEMENAMEHISBABY2K16

 

PandaPrincesss: idk I mean imayoshits gotta point he is one half of the baby making team he does provide the sperm I think he should have a say in his kids name

 

BlackWidHoe: STFU U USED WET WIPE shois gonna name our baby something dumb as shit like ‘actual proof I had sex with hanamiya makoto’ or something

 

TheShadyKing: IT HAS A GOOD RING TO IT

 

Taco: hes not wrong

 

SockSenpai: please tell me im not the only one that’s highly disturbed by imayoshi showering fully clothed while eating and thinking about his future children

 

TheShadyKing: would ya prefer if I did it naked ;)

 

SockSenpai: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A BIKE

 

PandaPrincess: don’t take the lords name in vain kasa you ignorant slut!!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: iconic

 

“So you’re worried because?”

 

“I haven’t had my period in like three months which is really weird because me and Chi-chan have only been doing anal-“

 

Izuki spat out his organic coconut milk all over Nebuya who didn’t even give a single shit, too busy laughing at Reo’s words.

 

“Who knew goddesses liked it in the backdoor.” Riko snickered as she bit into her sandwich. “It’s probably just you exercising too much. I heard that totally repels your period.”

 

“Ughhhhh can we not talk about periods!!!” Koganei complained as he rolled around with Hayama in the hot sand which was strangely therapeutic. “We wanna talk about something manly! Like dicks! Speaking of dicks I need your help Reo-nee!”

 

Izuki pointed to Mitobe who was busy helping Nigou fall asleep in the now empty picnic basket.

 

“You mean that dick? ‘Cause that’s the least dickiest dick I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

 

Nebuya nodded as he stole a chip from Hayama’s abandoned plate and dipped it in Reo’s homemade bowl of dip

 

“I don’t even know the guy and he seems like a saint!”

 

“He’s more saint-y than all the guys at Yosen combined!” _Yas Riko!_ Call those sinners out!!! Queen!!! Snatch their weaves/edges/hairlines etc.

 

“You guys!!! I just wanna know how to please Rin-chan’s dick! It’s so hard!”

 

Izuki did the lenny face.

 

Koganei lenny faced back at his friend before returning to his usual cat face.

 

“Can you help me Reo-nee?”

 

Reo leaned over and poked Koganei with a long ass white painted finger nail.

 

“Honey the secrets all the in the balls. It’s like basketball! Grab him right under his testes and it’ll be a river I swear! Or in this case a river of thick salty semen-“

 

“I can’t relate to this conversation.” Riko, the resident vagina enthusiast, grumbled. “Please, let’s talk about something- anything- else.”

 

Hayama stopped rolling around to point at Kagami and Kuroko who were taking a romantic stroll on the beach together.

 

“We could talk about them!”

 

“Nah they’re so two seasons ago.”

 

Izuki pointed with his soda can to Hyuuga rubbing sun screen onto Kiyoshi’s back while the two sat away from everyone else near the dock.

 

“We could talk about my current boi and my future boi about to do the sex which I do not advise by the way! I remember having sex with this life guard at the beach like a year ago and I still have sand in my ass crack!”

 

The group laughed at Izuki’s butthole horror story, they were so into it almost no one saw the gay shit that was going down just fifty feet away from them.

 

Almost no one.

 

“HOLY SHIT GUYS LOOK AT THAT GAY SHIT HAPPENING JUST FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM US!”

 

Oh Izuki, you were also the most observant one.

 

_4: 35 pm_

 

TheShadyKing: babe pls will ya just think about it

 

Taco: hes right I mean youd make a good mommy

 

Taco: a hanamommy :D

 

BlackWidHoe: nah I aint becoming no baby mama anytime soon

 

BlackWidHoe: I don’t need no baby mama drama im already suffering and Im not even 18 yet lol

 

Taco: how could u even be suffering? Ur eyebrows aren’t on fleek anymore? News flash sweaty they never were!

 

BlackWidHoe: FUCK OFF CUNT by fave sports bras underwire keeps poking out and shanking me in the titty and it FUCKING HURTS

 

TheShadyKing: TRAGIC

 

“I wanna hold your hand.”

 

Furihata recoiled as if Akashi’s words were the freezing cold waters of the ocean and Furihata had just dipped a toe into them only to pull it back out seconds later.

 

“Er…I said look at all this sand!”

 

Akashi slicked his hair back nonchalantly trying to look cool because his comeback was pretty slick but instead of getting a love struck look from Furihata all he got was a confused one.

 

“No…I’m pretty sure you asked me to…h-hold my hand?”

 

Akashi and Furihata were sitting side by side where the water met the sand, legs engulfed in the sea, faces tilted back to get warmed by the sun and hands so close to each others it was borderline painful for Akashi.

 

“Yes….I….want to….hold your hand. Is that okay?”

 

Furihata looked like he was about to burst into happy tears.

 

“Yes!!! I mean uh…thank you so much for a-asking me before hand!!! I probably would’ve just exploded if you randomly grabbed my hand ahahaha.”

 

“Exploding would not be good.” Akashi said wisely as he slowly and carefully linked fingers with Furihata’s.

 

They both stared at their interlocked fingers for a moment before looking back at the other, one with a furious blush that looked wonderful with his freckles and the other with cheeks that looked as if they had been dusted with the lightest of pink blushes, and grinned at each other.

 

“Y-yeah exploding is not good b-but…this definitely is. Good I mean. This is really good!”

 

“Indeed it is Kouki, indeed it is.”


	14. dicks out for *insert noun of your choice*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> true paes share dick (dont actually do this lmao)

“Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi!” Izuki chanted as he butted his head against his maybe boyfriend’s shoulder in an attempt to get his attention. “YOSHI, YOSHI, YOSHI, YOSH-“

 

“Jesus fu-HECK what the hell do you want Shun?”

 

Izuki’s bottom lip trembled as he blinked frantically and turned around and smooshed his face in Kiyoshi’s chest and wailed.

 

“Well fuck off then! Teppei, Yoshi’s being mean to me! KILL HIM!”

 

Kiyoshi laughed and leaned back on Izuki’s bed and stroked Izuki’s hair as he smiled apologetically at Moriyama.

 

“Don’t mind him. He’s just been on edge all week because that video of Hanamiya went viral.” Kiyoshi explained and Izuki made a sad noise as he reached over and linked their hands together. Kiyoshi planted a kiss on Izuki’s head and Izuki made a happy noise and kicked his legs out in pleasure, nearly taking Hyuuga out in the process. GET WRECKT JUNPEI.

 

“Um…OW!”

 

“Shut the fuck up Junpei and let Yoshi ask the question that’ll get Teppei to explain this chapter’s plot!!!”

 

“Wow um okay.”

 

Moriyama ignored the two black haired dick loving young men, one more honest about his love for penis’s and the other hiding his true meat cigarette loving self, and leaned against Kiyoshi. Izuki’s bed was just too small. Not that Moriyama didn’t wanna rub up against Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi was one HECK of a man with his manly toned body and his manly stubble and his manly scent of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo™.

 

“Video? What video?”

 

“See I told you! Now Teppei’s gonna be all like-“

 

“Here lemme show you, I have I saved it on my phone for er…scientific purposes hahaha.”

 

Izuki yelped and pulled his face away from Kiyoshi’s manly abs (see above) to glare at Kiyoshi’s face with the manly stubble (see above again).

 

“Why the FRICK FRACK FUCK do you have that hoe’s videos saved on your celluar device?” Izuki yelled and Moriyama looked worriedly at Izuki’s half open door, fearing that Izuki’s dad was gonna hear Izuki being all weird and loud and PG-13 and ground his ass and then Moriyama would have to climb up the side of Izuki’s dads house like a low budget Flynn Rider and risk falling off just to get a glimpse of that sweet little grounded ass.

 

Moriyama was not prepared to die for Izuki’s ass. He would definitely die for Kise’s plump booty. But Izuki’s? Nah m8.

 

“Here’s the video!” Kiyoshi said cheerfully and handed Moriyama his clunky ass phone that was so damn old that stores literally didn’t carry any cases for it. Like Seirin literally had to order a specially made case for Kiyoshi’s whack ass phone from Sakurai’s etsy page (which was pretty rad actually go buy something and support your local mushroom).

 

“I wanna see the video again too! Not because I wanna see Hanamiya in a skimpy body suit…dancing and singing to an erotic song…I JUST REALLY APPRECIATE THE VIDEO QUALITY OKAY DON’T SHAME KINK ME!”

 

“God DAMNIT JUNPEI YOU CAN’T EVEN MEME RIGHT HOW CAN I EVER LOVE YOU.”

 

“Dicks out for clueless Hyuuga.” Moriyama said before taking the phone from Kiyoshi and watching the screen in amusement as he watched Hanamiya BREAK IT DOWN and twerk on the bus seats as he sang his heart out with the radio playing in the background before switching to a slow soulful jam as he pulled the guy sitting next to him close as he crooned the sappy sounding lyrics to the amused guy. It sounded like English but Moriyama wasn’t exactly sure. He was a bisexual but he ain’t no bilingual.

 

“Woah…he has a nice voice!” Moriyama exclaimed and when he noticed Izuki glaring at him he quickly covered his true opinions up. “Shit I mean uh…he’s kinda fat so it’s like-“

 

“YOSHI DON’T BE FUCKING RUDE!” Izuki yelled and smothered his crush with a pillow as Kiyoshi snatched his phone back and laughed at Izuki looking like a lil demon as he pounced on Moriyama. “YOU CAN’T JUST MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE’S BODY TYPE LIKE THAT YOU LIL BITCH!”

 

“But if I can’t compliment him and I can’t say anything bad about him then what do I say?!?!?!”

 

“My mom tells me that if I don’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything.” Hyuuga piped in and Izuki gave him a thumbs up before plopping himself down on Moriyama’s chest with a sigh, ignoring Moriyama’s muffled cries.

 

“Riko’s right! Hanging out with penis havers is just too much work, can you guys leave, you’re hogging all my wifi! I need to know what my cool point guard friends are doing!”

 

Hyuuga showed Izuki his phone screen where an insatgram video of Kasamatsu was playing. Kaijo’s old captain seemed to be playing an old looking guitar in a dressing that was probably Kise’s because Kise himself was dancing behind Kasamatsu looking both sexy and goofy as hell as he waltzed around his changing room in a fluffy pink robe.

 

“Dicks out for Kasamatsu in general.” Moriyama said seriously, voicing the most important thing that had been on everyone’s mind.

 

“This was posted ten minutes ago so I think Kasa’s hanging out with Kise-“

 

“OOH DON’T Y’ALL THINK THEY SHOULD HOOK UP? Their unicorn sexy time is too much for me to handle!”

 

Moriyama poked his head out from under the pillow to give Izuki a confused look.

 

“The fuck is unicorn sexy time?”

 

Izuki merely winked at him.

 

“I think it’s an inside joke between him and his point guard friends.” Kiyoshi added helpfully and Moriyama oohed.

 

“Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. I see.”

 

Izuki was gonna say something super cool and sexy mysterious but he got interrupted by his dad yelling for him downstairs.

 

“I’M COMING DADDY!” Izuki hollered and Kiyoshi bit back a chuckle. He was too mature to be laughing at this implied PG-13 content.

 

Hyuuga and Moriyama were not because they were giggling like a bunch of twelve year old boys that had logged onto their older brothers computer and had been greeted with a screen full of titty.

 

Dicks out for dem tiddies.

 

“Aye that’s what she said!” Moriyama said like the creative pervert he was. Hyuuga high fived him to show that he too was quite creative in his perverted ways.

 

Izuki was already down the stairs so he thankfully didn’t hear those nasty little boys and their nasty little comments.

 

Hyuuga turned to Kiyoshi, face red as he tried to contain his laughter.

 

“Um this is gonna sound like a random question but…Hanamiya’s not…er…fat is he? I mean you and him went to the same middle school right? And he’s always wearing baggy clothes so it’s kinda hard to tell and-“

 

“No he’s not fat!” Kiyoshi said with a bright smile. “He’s just uh…what’s the word?”

 

“Plump, juicy, slightly larger than normal, chubby, swaggy, rad, lit, fleeky, bootylicious?” Moriyama supplied unhelpfully. Tag yourself I’m bootylicious.

 

“Er no, he’s thick! But not like thick thick. He’s a genius. His body’s thick! But like thick as in the way the cool kids spell it! T-h-i-c-c!”

 

“Teppei please.”

 

_2: 38 pm_

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Makoto we need to talk.

 

BlackWidHoe: no can do lmao im famous now

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Makoto please.

 

BlackWidHoe: fine anything for my fans

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Ever since that video of you went viral Reo’s been very upset.

 

TheShadyKing: (DICKS OUT FOR REO)

 

PandaPrincess: FUCK HANAMEME AND FUCK HIS STUPIDLY FAT ASS AND HIS FUCKING NICE ASS VOCALS

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck you and FUCK REO ESPECIALLY HES GOOD AT EVERYTHING LITERALLY E V E R Y T H I N G  can he please fucking let me have this ONE DAMN THING TO MYSELF

 

PandaPrincess: reos the beautiful one on ur team right Akashi?

 

AkashiSeijurou: That’s correct.

 

PandaPrincess: himuros prettier

 

TheShadyKing: (DICKS OUT FOR HIMURO)

 

PandaPrincess: (WILL U FUCKING STOP!)

 

TheShadyKing: (DICKS OUT FOR NOT STOPPING)

 

AkashiSeijuurou: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.

 

TheShadyKing: my makotos the prettiest demi spooder princess around <3

 

BlackWidHoe: damn lol I guess u aight too

 

TheShadyKing: ….ya know what ill take what I can get from him

 

BlackWidHoe: <3

 

PandaPrincess: wait reo cant sing?

 

PandaPrincess: AND HE CANT DANCE?

 

PandaPrincess: I thought pretty ppl could do literally everything

 

TheShadyKing: and everyone ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

PandaPrincess: …fair enough

 

SockSenpai: ugh why does everything have to be so sexualized with you guys

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hmmm? What do you mean Kasamatsu-kun?

 

SockSenpai: ugh nothing I don’t have time to explain it right now and im not entirely sure how to explain how I feel so…later?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Next chapter perhaps?

 

SockSenpai: pffffft chapter, hahah alright sure ill tell you guys next ‘chapter’

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hahahaha yes I was totally making a funny joke hahaha.

 

BlackWidHoe: akashit lmao stop being creepy kasa stop hinting at things that the authors gonna forget about and never write, crushing the hopes and dreams and souls of all those kasamatsu stans that are only reading this story for the memes and the kasamatsu

 

Kuroko: Call them out spider-kun.

 

Kuroko: Yas.

 

SockSenpai: um…

 

SockSenpai: Was that a sarcastic yas because I like you Kuroko and I don’t wanna word shame you like I word shame Izuki all the time.

 

Kuroko: Maybe it was, Maybe it wasn’t.

 

SockSenpai: um alright then, anyways, whats this video u guys are talking about?

 

PandaPrincess: omg u haven’t watched hanamiyas video yet?

 

PandaPrincess: its everywhere how have u not seen it?!?!?!!?

 

TheShadyKing: yukio have ya been hiding beneath a rock or what my baes literally everywhere rn

 

BlackWidHoe: I is everywhere J

 

SockSenpai: um well I haven’t seen it so uh///

 

PandaPrincess: here I have a link one sec!!!

 

TheShadyKing: one sex ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

BlackWidHoe: why r u like this

 

PandaPrincess: here it is-

 

PandaPrincess: _http/.gaylmao69420blazeitlmaodidyallrllythinkiwasgonnamakeafakeasswebsiteforthisfakeassvideoHELLTOTHENOpoop.com_

 

SockSenpai: oh my god…

 

BlackWidHoe: YUP<(｀^´)> aren’t I amazing af

 

SockSenpai: actually yeah I never knew you could sing and dance that good!

 

TheShadyKing: dicks out for my bf lol

 

TheShadyKing: not actually tho hahaha put those wieners away HE IS MINE

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I’ll have to agree with Kasamatsu-kun if I ignore Reo’s aggressive pouting everytime I watch that video I can admire Hanamiya’s skills in performing. Did you ever take dance or singing lessons?

 

BlackWidHoe: yeah when I was a kid lmao I did ballet sometimes and shit I was pretty good yeah ngl

 

TheShadyKing: DICKS OUT FOR FETUS MAKOTO

 

TheShadyKing: wait NO

 

PandaPrincess: lmao I cant imagine u in a tutu that’s just too much

 

PunPrince: THAT’S JUST TUTU MUCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

PunPrince: I only appeared to make this joke because this piece of fiction has a disturbing lack of puns and technically I don’t even have access to a phone right now but theres one thing this fan fiction isn’t ITS CONSISTENT

 

PunPrince: you may return to ur scheduled messages now

 

TheShadyKing: I have pictures of my darling in a tutu~

 

BlackWidHoe: YOU WOULDN’T

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh my goodness I wanna see these photos.

 

FuriKou: what photos omg?!!?!?!?!

 

BlackWidHoe: none of ur fucking business u hoeuauauau

 

AkashiSeijuurou: _*sighs*_ Imayoshi-san was going to send us phots of Hanamiya in a tutu as he took ballet when he was younger.

 

FuriKou: omg I wanna see!!!

 

PandaPrincess: me too I love embarrassing childhood photos that have the potential to ruin someones life

 

PandaPrincess: not mine tho hahahaha…

 

SockSenpai: um alright dude, I feel for hanamiya I have loads of embarrassing photos from my childhood that I would burn in a heart beat if I could

 

SockSenpai: but my mom thinks theyre cute so we gotta keep them

 

SockSenpai: oh shit kise’s ready for his shoot I gotta go

 

FuriKou: ur attending his shoot???

 

SockSenpai: nah he actualy pulled some strings for me and his usual photographer is gonna give me a quick lesson on lights and tones and how to capture a models essence and shit like that!

 

SockSenpai: ive always liked photography but damn ive never had an opportunity like this before!!!

 

SockSenpai: fuckin cool right?!?!?!

 

PandaPrincess: the coolest

 

AkashiSeijuurou: That’s awfully kind of him. I’m glad you’re getting to improve in an area you love.

 

FuriKou: u should totally send us some of ur finished photos kasa-senpai!!! Id love to see them!

 

SockSenpai: wow rlly?

 

SockSenpai: thanks for being so supportive guys I dunno how you guys would react but im glad it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could be…

 

SockSenpai: gotta go bye

 

PandaPrincess: bye my man

 

FuriKou: bye kasa!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Goodbye Kasamatsu-san.

 

TheShadyKing: so I just got off the phone with a v angry makoto

 

TheShadyKIng: it turns out I can either send those pics and embrace my new life as a single man or I can keep those pics to myself and stay in this beautiful relationship with my demi spooder princess

 

TheShadyKing: I think ya guys know what im gonna pick ;)

 

PandaPrincess: damn does that mean no pics then? :(

 

BlackWidHoe: no fucking pics for u lmao now if youll excuse me ill go back to watching my video a thousand more times

 

BlackWidHoe: oh would u look at that!!! It has 500k views now!!! Amazing :)

 

TheShadyKing: makoto ya know we still need to talk about u getting all lovey dovey with hara in the video

 

BlackWidHoe: WOW UM? NEW PHONE,,,WHO DIS

 

FuriKou: oh man!!! I wanted to see those photos…bleh and I don’t even have time to watch hanamiyas video my lunch break is practically over!!!

 

PandaPrincess: lunch break?

 

FuriKou: yeah I need to go back to work :( todays a rlly busy day cuz of this book signing happening and my managers gonna kill me if I try to extend my lunch break again!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Do I need to have a word with your manager?

 

FuriKou: hahaha omg sei no!!! its okay shes just a little strict when shes under pressure!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: So…everything is all good in the hood?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Get it? Because I am wearing a hoodie!

 

FuriKou: omg hes too much!

 

PandaPrincess: holy shit the Akashi I knew before was a cold hearted violent ass freak who the shit is this dork what the fuck why is he so cute

 

FuriKou: I know omg!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: (Thank you both for your semi kind words. I’m not very good at selfies pardon me, I got distracted in the middle of taking one because Reo called my name. Speaking of Reo, she’s here. We’re going to watch a movie. I will tell you all about the movie when it’s done. I hope it’s good. Bye for now everyone.)

 

PandaPrincess: what a guy

 

FuriKou: ikr omg???

 

FuriKou: before I go can I ask u something fukui san?

 

PandaPrincess: FUCK THE DRUGS WERE ALL HIMUROS IDEA I ONLY WANTED TO SMOKE SOME WEED I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS GONNA BE ANY NEEDLES OR SHIT INVOLVED

 

FuriKou: WHAT?!!?!?!

 

PandaPrincess: oh you weren’t gonna ask about that?

 

FuriKou: no but now im curious omg!!!

 

PandaPrincess: forget I ever said anything fuck! What was ur first question?

 

FuriKou: I know izuki senpai is hanging out with his boyfriend (s) today but wheres takao? Hes almost always online!

 

PandaPrincess: I bet hes being gay with his carrot boy toy

 

FuriKou: huh ur probably right

 

“SHIN CHAN! You think the pink roses were a good idea or do you think I should’ve gone with the red ones?”

 

Midorima pushed his glasses up like a true megane before giving his opinion.

 

“I think you chose the better option. Red roses tend to symbolize love and lust and passion while pink represents an intense liking, appropriate for your relationship with Seirin’s point guard.”

 

Takao beamed at his boyfriend, resisting the urge to kiss him right there in the open, reminding himself that Midorima wasn’t out yet and forcefully outing him would be an asshole thing to do.

 

“Nawww thanks! I wasn’t sure how to ask the florist what colour would best symbolize a platonic relationship with hints of mostly sarcastic but sometimes genuine romantic moments that was torn apart because of one persons legit romantic relationship so I chose pink because these are the flowers that looked the least crusty. Even though these still look hella crusty.”

 

Midorima pressed his lips together tightly and turned his head so Takao couldn’t see the rare glimmer in his eyes.

 

“Crusty like…your hairline perhaps?”

 

“Oh my fucking god Shin-chan I love you.”

 

* * *

 

Izuki’s dad was quite different from the rest of his family. He didn’t understand what was so lovable about puns. He didn’t have an addiction to coffee jelly. Hell he didn’t even have the signature black hair and grey eyes all three of his kids had. But aside from all his differences he still loved and cherished his kids more than anything and was still friends with his divorced wife.

 

But Izuki’s father would be lying if he said he didn’t have a soft spot for his middle child.

 

He would do anything for Izuki. After seeing his son at his worst, in those late nights of tears, hearing his son explain his nightmares to him in a voice hoarse from screaming his father awake, curled up in a ball at the back of his closet because he couldn’t bear to face the world anymore, Izuki’s father grew to be incredibly protective of the boy and showed it too, making sure everyone one of Izuki’s boyfriends knew what they were dealing with when it came to dating Izuki and how to deal with said boy and his many problems.

 

That said, Izuki’s father wasn’t sure whether to listen to the strange boy on his front step, clutching flowers and begging to see Izuki or to shut the door on him and call the police for both his and Izuki’s safety.

 

To Takao’s relief the older man chose the first option.

 

“Shun? There’s a boy waiting here for you!”

 

Izuki squealed from upstairs and raced down the flight of stairs before pushing past his father to get to the doorway, grin melting off his face when he realized who it was.

 

“I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU RIGHT NOW! OR EVER!” Izuki dramatically declared at Takao wailed and thrust the bouqet of flowers towards Izuki and collapsed at his friends feet.

 

“BAE! I miss you so much, I made such a mistake putting Shin-cahn before you! I can’t believe I forgot my number one motto!”

 

“Don’t make love without the glove?”

 

“WHAT? YEAH BUT NO! Bros before hoes!”

 

“Excuse me.” Midorima said flatly behind Takao. “Did he just call me a-“

 

“SHHH SHIN CHAN MY LOVE THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU! This is about my beautiful platonic bae Izuki Shun who I love and miss so much…Shun don’t worry…me and Shin-chan are baes now but I think…we can be paes!”

 

Izuki rubbed his eyes frantically and gave his flowers to his amused as hell dad before pulling Takao into a hug. Izuki’s dad seemed to understand this was a tender moment for the two and went to put the flowers in some H20. Some H2izzle. Some swag juice.

 

….He went to put the flowers in water.

 

“PAE!” Izuki sobbed into Takao’s shoulder. “I missed you so much I never wanna fight with you again!”

 

“No don’t cry pae it was my fault I’m so sorry!”

 

The two bros (or paes I suppose) hugged it out for a good minute before Izuki grabbed Midorima and pulled him into the hug as well. Midorima made a panicked noise as he felt Izuki and Takao rub their snotty wet faces all over his shirt before he awkwardly hugged them back in an effort to calm them down. It worked and not even five minutes later the two were back to their usual giddy selves. Midorima had never been so glad to see the smirks back on their faces.

 

“Pae I have so much to tell you!”

 

“Ooh tell me everything! You gonna tell me about Midorima’s dick game?”

 

“I am standing literally right here.”

 

“Nah we didn’t do the dirty yet but when we do you gonna be the first person I tell don’t worry pae! Like as soon as he pulls out I’m calling you!”

 

“Still here.”

 

“That’s what I like to hear my pae! Come upstairs with me! Yoshi, Teppei and Junpei are all here! We can have a fivesome! A platonic fivesome of course!”

 

“WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT I AM STILL RIGHT HERE?!?!?!”

 

“Damn Shin-chan, you wanna join us and make it a platonic sixsome? Aight I’m sure we could manage that!”


	15. of unlikely friendships, asexuality and boob soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fukui: *says something* 
> 
> Akashi: *says it better*
> 
> Fukui: *is a hoe*
> 
> Akashi: *kink shames*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: today is the day i update during the day like a normal person!
> 
> also me: hey guys its 11: 59pm im not late heres ur weekly shitty update
> 
> asexual kasa for the win dont worry yall ill cover it soon in the next chapter but i hope u liked the aokasa and u like imayoshi and his new friend because theres gonna be a lot of roommate shenanigans next chapter!!!

“So what did ya guys think of that movie huh?”

 

That was all Imayoshi needed to say for Momoi to go OFF. She started wildly gesturing, nearly taking out Susa (GET WRECKT SUSA) as she tore apart the movie they had just watched, heatedly criticizing everything from the cheap jokes and the glaring plot holes and the overuse of fan service and the shitty CGI and the cheesy soundtrack and-

 

Imayoshi must’ve realized that the girl would’ve literally gone on for days so he quickly jumped in as Momoi took a deep breath, probably to signal part two of this long ass rant.

 

“So…uh…seems like ya really loved the movie?”

 

“Oh yeah I loved it.” Momoi said genuinely and Aomine rolled his eyes and let out a classic Aomine sounding grunt. He was probably still annoyed that the manager of the theatre they had visited had confiscated his hover board after he tried to sneak it in via Momoi’s bag. Well he had no reason to still be annoyed as he was currently nyooming around the group obnoxiously on his hoverboard that looked absolutely disgusting with it’s ridiculous boobies and racing stripes that had been spray painted onto it. I’m hoverboard shaming you Aomine.

 

“I w-wish I watched the movie…” Sakurai said sounding sad and Aomine made an extra lap around his boyfriend to cheer him up. It didn’t really work but Sakurai seemed to appreciate the gesture.

 

“Well it was kinda your fault…I mean you did kinda get escorted from the theater because you went into clutch time anD BIT WAKAMATSU WHEN HE TRIED TO TAKE SOME OF YOUR POPCORN seriously Sakurai what the fuck you just don’t do that in public. The bedroom maybe. But not on someone’s hand. AND YOU DON’T BITE HARD ENOUGH TO BREAK THE SKIN THE FUCK-.”

 

Susa shut up when he realized he had succeeded in making a delicate innocent smol mushroom cry. Susa you sick fucking monster.

 

Sakurai’s bottom lip trembled as he started frantically apologizing to Wakamatsu who awkwardly pet his head with the hand that wasn’t bandaged.

 

“I dunno don’t you think it was like kinda hot when he bit Wakamatsu. I mean like I could’ve done without the blood and the screaming but like…it was hot…oh shit is that just me? Never mind.”

 

Momoi stopped in her tracks and turned around so she was facing Aomine. She gave him a strict frown as she tugged on his ear sharply.

 

“Dai-chan I mean this I the nicest way possible but you need to shut the fuck up right now~ Ryou-chan is obviously traumatized after biting Waka-senpai’s hand-“

 

“HE’S TRAUMATIZED? UM BITCH I CAN’T FEEL MY HAND RIGHT NOW.”

 

Imayoshi looped an arm around Wakamatsu and covered his friends mouth so Wakamatsu couldn’t flap his mouth hole.

 

“It’s not like ya need ya hand or anything. You always just amputate ya hand and super glue like…a potato to ya stump and just…blind people with ya potato when you’re playing basketball.”

 

“What the fuck.” Wakamatsu said and carefully pulled his bandaged hand away from Imayoshi, fearing for his safety like he usually did when he was around the demon captain.

 

“No but like ya gotta actually think about it! It’s a good idea! We play against Makoto’s team and they try to fuck ya up ya just…potato them. Potato them to death. Guys back me up here!”

 

Aomine stopped nyooming to nod nonchalantly. Aomine was such a swaggy dude. A sick dawg. What a guy. What a _MAN._

 

“Sounds like a solid way to die.”

 

Imayoshi nodded enthusiastically and turned to Sakurai who giggled and merely shrugged,

 

“U-uh I mean…if you’re hungry you can j-just nibble your potato hand during a match?”

 

Imayoshi clapped his hands together loudly, startling Momoi as he nodded.

 

“Yes. _YES_. Now that’s what I’m talking about.” Imayoshi sounded scarily passionate about cutting someone’s hand off and replacing it with a vegetable. Imayoshi was pretty sure this wasn’t what his mom meant when she told him to get a hobby.

 

 _Whatever mom,_ Imayoshi thought, _stop hobby shaming me._

 

As the rest of Touou argued about the effectiveness of a potato hand, Aomine nyoomed around the group and nyoomed too far away because a couple minutes later he found himself nyooming into Maji burger.

 

He hopped off his prized board that did not in fact hover and stuffed it into his bag that was hanging off only one shoulder so he could maximize his swag as he strolled into the fine eating establishment that everyone and their mothers (well except Akashi and his mom? No? Too soon?) seemed to eat at.

 

Aomine was only planning on ordering a burger himself and maybe grabbing something for Sakurai and Momoi too before nyooming back to his team but someone familiar looking sitting in the booths near the back caught his eye.

 

He decided to forget about his meal and sauntered over to the dark haired boy trying to hide behind a textbook and snatch the book away from him to properly smirk at the shorter guys face.

 

“Heyyyyyyy, Kaijo’s captain, what’s up?”

 

Kasamatsu growled and pulled his book back, hugging it close to his chest as he gave Aomine an irritated look.

 

“First of all, you don’t just take someone’s shit especially when they’re older, haven’t you heard of respect-“

 

Aomine rolled his eyes as he shrugged his bag off and tossed it onto the booth opposite of Kasamatsu and plopped himself down, suddenly feeling very interested in what Kasamatsu was doing here.

 

“Yeah yeah, I get it. Respect your upperclassmen. But it’s kinda hard to respect your upperclassmen when all they do is talk about crap like potato hands and shitty movie reviews and kinky hand biting…oh shit no that’s just me…”

 

Kasamatsu opened his mouth then closed it then opened it again and then closed it.

 

“…fair enough…anyways, I’m not even Kaijo’s captain anymore. That title goes to Nakamura now!”

 

“Who dat.”

 

“Uh…guy on Kaijo with glasses and he’s pretty responsible and he has spiky blond-ish hair and-“

 

“Oh hey speaking of blondes let’s talk about Kise.”

 

Kasamatsu shrugged and decided to roll with the strange segue, expecting nothing else from one of the miracles. Besides, Kasamatsu was almost always down to talk about his friends. Just not at 3 am with Moriyama. He was a different person at 3 am. He wasn’t even a person at 3 am. Moriyama, on the other hand, was too much of a person at 3 am.

 

“Um…alright…sure let’s talk about Kise. What about him?” Kasamatsu asked before taking a sip from his iced tea, watching Aomine carefully as Touou’s ace smirked and rested his chin in his hands.

 

“You two fucking?”

 

Kasamatsu slammed the glass down as his eyes bugged out of his head, face turning red as he tried not to choke on his beverage.

 

“N-no! What the fuck man! We aren’t f-fucking!”

 

“No wonder you act like such a fucking tight ass all the time.” Aomine chuckled. “It’s because you want something- or someone- to loosen up your tight ass pffft-“

 

“Fucking hell, am I glad that you never came to Kaijo.” Kasamatsu grumbled. “The hell brought your worthless ass here anyways? I bet it was something lame. Faith? Destiny?”

 

“My hoverboard actually.”

 

“Damn alright, fair enough.”

 

“No it actually as a mind of it’s own. Like this one time I was on my way to school and I ended up at a strip club and then I-“

 

Kasamatsu held his hands up, effectively shutting Aomine the fuck up. Kasamatsu had that effect on people.

 

“No. I don’t wanna hear about that. Like I seriously don’t wanna hear about that. Like I’d rather record Hayakawa chanting Kaijo’s school cheer, put it on iTunes and then use my valuable fucking money and buy that shit and listen to it on repeat during my every waking moment then listen to your fucking stripper story.”

 

Aomine blinked and then started gesturing wildly.

 

“See what I mean? You have too much damn time on your hand. You could’ve been getting laid instead but nah you chose too think of that elaborate ass burn instead, life is too short not to have sex man.”

 

Kasamatsu swirled his straw around his lukewarm tea, focusing on the slowly melting ice cubes before looking up and locking eyes with Aomine.

 

“Maybe…” Kasamatsu ventured cautiously as he mentally unlocked the chest in his head that he had stuffed all his thoughts in just a few months prior. “Maybe I don’t want to have sex?”

 

To his surprise Aomine didn’t scream or collapse on the floor or look at Kasamatsu like he had just declared that Lemonade wasn’t even that a good of an album. He merely raised an eyebrow and nodded.

 

“Ah…I gotcha…so you and Kise dating or-?”

 

“Uh no…well I mean…anyways, don’t you care that I don’t like sex?”

 

Aomine looked amused and he looked like he was resisting the urge to pet Kasamatsu on the head like a little child that had asked where babies came from and was about to get a ridiculous answer. Thankfully he didn’t or else he would’ve gotten his hand bitten off and would’ve had to super glue a potato to his stump and call himself Daiki PotatoHands which probably would’ve flopped at the box office. Obscure movie references aside Aomine didn’t seem too bothered by Kasamatsu’s announcement.

 

“Na man. Everyone’s different y’know and everyone’s bound to have different opinions and react differently to everything. You’re not like…less of a person just because you don’t like sex. That would just be fucking stupid.”

 

Kasamatsu leaned back and smiled at Aomine as he replied the blue haired boys words over in his head.

 

“Huh…for a dumbass miracle you sure know how to comfort someone. You do this a lot? Come up to random strangers and help them with their life problems?”

 

Aomine merely shrugged with a little smile. Kasamatsu felt a twinge of guilt as he realized that maybe he had been judging Aomine wrong, maybe Touou’s ace wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

 

“Nah no problem dude. Besides, I kinda have a thing for sexy ass captains.”

 

Never mind this bitch was dumb as fuck.

 

_Sunday June 21st_

_3: 40 pm_

 

TheShadyKing: hey guys

 

TheShadyKing: I need some advice from ya guys and technically we started this groupchat for advice so ya guys need to help me

 

PunPrince: relax u shady little man we’re in a skype group chat we didn’t sign a contract with a fuckin demon lmao

 

Kuroko: I mean…with Imayoshi-san here, it’s pretty demonic.

 

TheShadyKing: KUROKO PLS,,,YA WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A CUTE LITTLE INNOCENT GHOST THAT FULFILLED ALL MY SEXY FANTASIES why are ya roasting me

 

PunPrince: LOL no one is safe from kuroko and his sick ass roasting skills

 

PunPrince: except kagami maybe

 

Kuroko: I murdered him this morning.

 

Kuroko: Just like I’m going to murder your career Izuki-senpai.

 

PunPrince: FUC K IVE BEEN SHOT

 

PunPrince: IVE BEEN SHOT WITH KUROKOS BULLET OF SASS

 

PunPrince: THIS IS ALL IVE EVER WANTED I CAN DIE HAPPILY

 

TheShadyKing: I want kuroko to step on me tbh

 

FuriKou: omg why would u want kuroko to step on u???

 

TheShadyKing: damn u rite I want kuroko to break my legs

 

FuriKou: OMG WHAT???

 

Kuroko: I would rather die than touch you Imayoshi-san.

 

Kuroko: No offence though.

 

PunPrince: KUROKO I LOVE U MA BOI!!!

 

Kuroko: Okay.

 

FuriKou: wait omg are these compliments?

 

FuriKou: they sound so violent and weird!!!

 

TheShadyKing: damn son have u never been on Instagram before?

 

TheShadyKing: the comments on reos pics are WILD

 

TheShadyKing: he legit posted a pic of him FULL CLOTHED just sitting on a park bench and reading and aomine commented;

 

TheShadyKing: _‘dan reo your bobbies’_

 

TheShadyKing: hayama also spammed the comments with _‘REO NEE SPIT ON ME!!! I LOVE U!!! SO PERFECT!’_

 

FuriKou: oh…well I never want anyone to compliment me by saying they want to spit on me omg

 

Kuroko: You don’t know how to live Furihata-kun.

 

FuriKou: well maybe I don’t wanna live in a world where compliments are gross and stupid omg!!!

 

TheShadyKing: if ya take away the _‘omg’_ its almost like furihatas message was a deep tender touching poem

 

PunPrince: my son dw if u ever post a selfie I will comment a geniuinely nice compliment for u!!!

 

FuriKou: um new phone who is dis omg!!!

 

TheShadyKing: LMAO ur on the way to becoming a true meme master furi

 

PunPrince: my memey son who I love a lot~

 

PunPrince: oh no my son left me AGAIN

 

PunPrince: time to find another substitute son!!!

 

PunPrince: kuroko I have a question for u~

 

Kuroko: I had nothing to do with Hanamiya-san’s strange and abrupt disappearance don’t ask me why he’s not online right now.

 

TheShadyKing: kuroko confirmed as a serial killer damn if only he would kill me~

 

FuriKou: (STAWP OMG!!!)

 

TheShadyKing: well since u spelled it with a w I guess I have to stop by the law

 

Kuroko: The law is overrated. What’s your question Izuki-senpai?

 

PunPrince: !!! would u ever roast nigou?

 

Kuroko: I would rather shove a basketball up my shit hole then do anything to harm my little angel.

 

PunPrince: damn when will teppei ever

 

“Kouki I have something to show you.”

 

Furihata adjusted his thick headphones and smiled at Akashi who was knocking on his web cam to get the brunet’s attention.

 

“A-alright show me, Seijuuurou-kun!”

 

“Well it’s not something I can show you, I’ve actually been practicing my Spanish for yo- for no reason. Would you like to hear it? I’m sure someone who’s first language is Spanish could help me a lot?”

 

Furihata genuinely loved his weekly skype sessions with Akashi. Even though there was almost always someone in the background just chilling on Akashi’s bed. Today it was Nijimura who was flipping through an American looking magazine with ear buds in so Furihata wasn’t too bothered by his presence.

 

Furihata was just glad his brother wasn’t home. The last thing he needed was his much better looking older brother stealing Akashi from him.

 

Uh…stealing Furihata’s bro Akashi away from him! In a platonic way! Yeah Furihata didn’t want his precious friendship with Akashi to be taken away…yeahhhhhhh, friendship….sure Jan.

 

Akashi cleared his throat and gestured to Nijimura behind him.

 

 _“This asshole thinks he’s staying with us for free but I’m really charging him for every day he spends with us.”_ Akashi said in broken Spanish and Furihata fucking wheezed.

 

“Y-your accent needs a little work but you’re really good for a b-beginner! Um but I think you accidentally called y-your old senpai an a-asshole!”

 

“No I meant it.”

 

As Furihata laughed and laughed that beautiful giggle of his Nijimura finally looked over to see Akashi looking over the moon as his gay ass self gazed at Furihata with a tender expression.

 

Nijimura remembered when he was a fresh young gay lusting over grey haired delinquents and beautiful yet dangerous ravens but now he was a hardened homosexual™ that knew that falling in love with a straight guy was bound to end in heart break.

 

Or in Nijimura’s case it would end in him crying in the bathroom of an aiport chipotle, using the guacamole stained napkins to wipe his eyes because the Straights™ had done it again.

 

Not that Akashi would be caught dead crying in some shady ass restaurant bathroom. The boy would probably cry his little gay heart out in his king sized bed that was stuffed with exotic peacock feathers while he blew his nose in a handkerchief that was made out of woven gold. Fucking rich bitch.

 

But Nijimura wasn’t bitter or anything.

 

_4: 22 pm_

 

PandaPrincess: its so hot I think my ass is glued to my shorts with how much sweat there is in my crack

 

BlackWidHoe: well if we’re being gross and sharing too much information I feel like my tiddies just melted in my bra

 

Taco: BOOB SOUP BOOB SOUP BOOB SOUP

 

PandaPrincess: good to know the heats completely fried takaos brain

 

BlackWidHoe: cant fry what he never had LMAO

 

Taco: I HOPE UR NIPPLES FALL OFF BITCH

 

PandaPrincess: a strange but offensive insult nonetheless 7/10 imo

 

AkashiSeijuurou: No that was a stupid insult, plus nipples are useless anyways, 4/10.

 

BlackWidHoe: IT WAS A TERRIBLE INSULT DA FUQ -100/10 lmao

 

Taco: (hanameme gotta have that trademark lmao at the end of every time I see u memehana)

 

Taco: also #nipplesareuseless2k16

 

PandaPrincess: BITCH UR MOM FUCKING USED HER NIPPLES TO FEED UR WORTHLESS ASS

 

AkashiSeijuur: Hmmm I suppose you’re right.

 

Taco: motheRRRR I AM SORRY

 

Taco: I TAKE IT BACK I LOVE NIPPLES!!!!

 

Taco: I am the #1 fan of them nip nops

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Isn’t it beautiful how the heat brings out everyone’s true personalities.

 

BlackWidHoe: yknow whats not beautiful BOOB SWEAT yknow what I have BOOB SWEAT

 

PandaPrincess: be lucky u don’t suffer from ball sweat tho

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Ew.

 

BlackWidHoe: My Bra Smells Like A Fucking Turtle Tank And My Tits Are Swimming In My Sweat try and tell me that ur ball sweat matters more

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Haven’t you all heard of A.C?

 

BlackWidHoe: me and shoi are at the train station were waiting for a train thats gonna be swarmed with fucking sweaty ass people rubbing against us for twenty minutes i want to die

 

AkashiSeijuurou: …Haven’t you heard of grammar?

 

PandaPrinces: HAH WHAT A SAVAGE

 

Taco: ROAST DAT SPOODER AKASHIT ROAST DEM!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck u guys im sweaty and angry and weirdly horny damnit if shoi pinches my ass one more time im gonna rip my cheeks off and give them to him is2g

 

Taco: now that’s a valentines gift I aint giving shin chan anytime soon

 

Taco: he likes my ass BUT HE LIKES IT ATTACHED TO ME I think…

 

Taco: I MEAN I HOPE HE DOES

 

Taco: shit im gonna go and ask him

 

Taco: wait I haven’t talked to my pae all day…hmmm…ill talk to hhim first then shin chan!!!

 

PandaPrincess: sounds good man

 

PandaPrincess: I wonder if wei likes me for me or my ass…shit NOW IM PARANOID fuck u taco now im gonna go ask him

 

PandaPrincess: update he says he likes me for both what a good dude

 

AkashiSeijuurou: A good dude indeed.

 

PandaPrincess: the goodest

 

AkashiSeijuurou: The best.

 

PandaPrincess: ma boi!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Your boy!!!

 

PandaPrincess: sexy ass piece of shit who can dick me down anytime anywhere

 

AkashiSeijuurou:

 

“Shoi can you carry me up the stairs?”

 

“No, I need to carry these boxes babe.”

 

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? YOU DON’T LOVE ME NO MORE? FUCK YOU DICKHEAD WE’RE OVER!”

 

Hanamiya looked on the verge of a tantrum as he collapsed on the stairs. Imayoshi sighed heavily as he balanced the box on his hip and used his free hand to tug Hanamiya up and wrap a gross sweaty buff arm around him.

 

“Lemme help ya up babe, c’mon my room is on the next floor.”

 

Hanamiya groaned as he pushed a clump of hair away from his eyes, grumbling and hissing as he made it up the final flight of stairs before collapsing in front of Imayoshi’s brand new dorm room. There was no welcome mat or anything hanging on the door so Imayoshi immediately assumed his new roommate was a frigid bitch. Not that he knew anything about his roommate because the frigid bitch refused to email him back. That’s what he got for being [buttholesecks69@gmail.com](mailto:buttholesecks69@gmail.com)

 

Imayoshi knocked on the door twice before dragging Hanamiya up once more and coaxing his boyfriend to lean against him.

 

“Cheer up buttercup~” He purred which made Hanamiya roll his eyes and cringe. “We might die of heat stroke in the next five minutes but the good news is…you look beautiful. That belly button piercing makes you look like straight fire…or demisexual fire I guess…”

 

Hanamiya just groaned, too hot and bothered to even reply to Imayoshi’s compliments and clung to his equally sweaty boyfriend as he swayed back and forth, probably delirious from the heat. It was so hot that Hanamiya had traded in his usual uniform of a baggy sweater and sweat pants for a pair of shorts and a crop top with the words _‘ASK ME HOW MANY MEN I’VE KILLED’_ written on the front. Pair that with his exposed belly button piercing and his garishly pink converse it was truly an iconic look.

 

“Ya think anyone’s even-“

 

The sound of the door being unlocked shut Imayoshi up right away. Even Hanamiya stopped grumbling to watch as the door was slowly swung open.

 

“I said I didn’t want to sign your damn petition…oh shit…no…NO NO NO NO NO!”

 

Imayoshi lunged forward and pressed his foot against the door so the other guy couldn’t slam it shut on him.

 

“Well hey there roomie!” Imayoshi said with the biggest shit eating grin on his face as he held his hand out, cackling internally as he saw the blood drain from the others face.

 

“Wait…” Hanamiya said looking between the two. “If you’re his roommate and you just moved in, does that fucking mean-“

 

“Oh Chi-chan~ can I meet your new roommate-“ Reo skipped over to the door and peered over Mayuzumi’s shoulder. When he realized who it was he giggled and reached over to poke Hanamiya’s flushed cheek.

 

“Oh hey Mako-chan~ Ooh! Does this mean we’re gonna be seeing each other a lot more often? How fun!”

 

Imayoshi couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this damn gleeful.

 

He also couldn’t remember the last time Hanamiya looked this scared.


	16. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX YEAH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lots of pg-13 gay...maybe even pg-14 kinda gay...kiddos be warned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u guys enjoy this chapter~~~~~~~ 
> 
> (is it rlly a fan fiction if there arent any song lyrics are chapter titles?)

Why Imayoshi Shouichi is actually the worst roommate in the history of ever: (a list by Mayuzumi _'Mayonnaise'_ Chihiro)  
  
        1.      He named his Animal Crossing town _'Titty Town'_.  
  
AND WHEN HE WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT IT all he said was "Well, vagina village was too long of a name"  
  
        2.      He fucking talked to his hair care products in the shower.  
  
("Oh Shampoo-chan ya would not believe what Makoto said to me~ oh don't worry Conditioner-sama I wasn't ignoring ya! Come here!"  
  
  
        3.      He would just randomly start to cackle. Like he could be in the bathroom taking a dump and he would start giggling and Mayuzumi would hide under his covers and pray that he wasn't going to get killed by an evil little man that took the phrase "for shits and giggles" way too seriously.  
  
        4.      He had phone sex WAY TOO LOUDLY and WAY TOO EARLY like we're talking 6 am homeboy wouldn't get up that early to attend class but would totally be down to give his willy a wank at the same time.  #ImayoshiLogic. Also, Mayuzumi got real pissy when he realized that Imayoshi lasted way longer than Mayu ever had with Reo. Damn you Imayoshi! Damn you with your wiener of steel!  
  
        4.      He talked. So. Fucking. Much. So much that Mayuzumi's web history now looked like this:  
  
_is it legal to cut someones tongue out_  
  
_how to shut someone up with out murder_  
  
_legal homocide_  
  
_*legal homicide_  
  
_how to switch roommates_  
  
_how to fake death and move to romania and get married and have kids legally_  
  
_how to block out specific sounds_  
  
_big animu titty_  
  
_reomibuchi/Instagram_  
  
_what does my girlfriend mean when  she wants you to buy her a high lighter palette_  
  
Uh...ignore those last three.  
  
        5.      HE WAS A LIAR!!! A FAKE ASS HOE!!! A TERRIBLE LITTLE MAN THAT WAS ALWAYS OUT TO GET MAYUZUMI AND RUIN HIS LIFE!  
  
("Hey dude you got any condoms? Reo's coming over and-")  
  
"Nah man sorry...hey why don't ya just go raw!"  
  
"Ew no, unless you wanna share this room with a pregnant Reo and- soon- a little fucking baby that will never EVER shut up and will probably shit on you because everything is a fucking toilet to them!!!"  
  
"Damn well don't you have strong ass feelings towards babies? What did their soft asses do to you? Anyways can't you just uh...ya know...ram it in the back door?"  
  
"1) I have two little brothers and I would trade them for a tray of crusty ass macaroni that would plague me with some nasty fucking diarrhea if I ever ingested it but I would still prefer THAT over THEM! And uh hell no on the whole backdoor thing, Reo cries when we do butt stuff."  
  
        5.      Imayoshi's boyfriend.  
  
Well maybe Hanamiya Makoto wasn't that bad...  
  
Well he was a terrible little spooder that Mayuzumi would crush under his foot in a heart beat if given an opportunity but he ain't no BFG, he didn't have a big ass shoe to kill Hanamiya with, so if he couldn't murder the guy why not try and be friends with him? Well at least ask him for advice. Or ask him about any life long questions that were just burning inside of Mayuzumi.  
  
"So how do vagina havers piss?"  
  
Hanamiya opened the tab of his coke and took a swig of it looking amused as fuck. He was dressed in ripped jeans, skin baring top and silver chains, looking like one of those punk semi terrifying teenagers at the mall that secretly scared the shit out of Mayuzumi even though he was taller and more powerful.  
  
Whenever they made eye contact with him for longer than five seconds Mayuzumi had to resist the urge to drop his bags and demand to fight them.  
  
Whatever, Mayuzumi wasn't going to fight someone with the words 'MANEATER' written on their top.  
  
"How do you think we pee?"  
  
Imayoshi slammed his fist against his desk.  
  
"You piss outta ya clit!"  
  
Hanamiya looked into the camera like he was on the office. He hadn't even been in the dorm room for ten minutes and he already looked thoroughly fed up with his boyfriend.  
  
"No what the fuck! That's like saying you guys piss outta your balls!!!"  
  
Imayoshi laughed at that because he was a strange little man at heart that loves a good testicle jab. Mayuzumi looked longingly at the door, praying that Reo would bust the door down at any minute and save him from this terrible but kinda informative health class that Hanamiya had insisted on giving the two.  
  
"Don't you people pee out of your sex holes or something? I dunno..."  
  
Hanamiya put his drink down and grabbed Mayuzumi's face, pulling him uncomfortably close so he could smell the chocolate on the others breath and see every speck of brown in Hanamiya's Midorima green eyes...no wait that wasn't a good comparison.  
  
"Look me in the fucking eye and tell me that I pee outta my sex hole."  
  
Imayoshi laughed some more and picked Hanamiya up like it was nothing, pulling him away from Mayuzumi and plopping him down on the desk.  
  
"Sorry he gets really annoyed by people not knowing their basic sex shit."  
  
"Damn right I do! You've been up close and personal with Reo's poon or a year and you don't even know this shit? No offence but you really suck la-maow." Hanamiya said sounding like the genius he was as he crossed his legs and nearly flashed Mayu some sexy ankle as his jeans rode up and exposed a sliver of skin between his converse and his pants. Mayuzumi looked away before he got an ankle boner.  
  
"Sorry but I prefer _'dem tiddies'_ over ' _dem pussies'_ just saying. I could tell you what fruit Reo's ba hoobies look like. Cantaloupes by the way. And the aerola to skin ratio. Surprisingly normal. And their names. 'Bonnie and Clyde.' Cute huh?"  
  
Hanamiya rolled his eyes.  
  
"The cutest."  
  
Imayoshi looked genuinely interested in this intense conversation about Reo's knockers. He pointed to Reo's left boob in a Polaroid of him that Mayuzumi had hanging over his bed.  
  
"Which ones that?"  
  
"Bonnie." Mayuzumi said confidently. "Don't tell Reo but it sags a little."  
  
"Ya secrets safe with me man! Hey ya know how ya said that ya don't like vaginas? MAN I thought I was the only one! They're so ugly, that's why I always eat Makoto out with my eyes closed! I prefer dem tiddies too!"  
  
"Right? Everyone goes on and on about how beautiful they are but I just don't see it!"  
  
Hanamiya looked into the camera like he was on the office again. Dealing with penis's was just too much of a hassle. He decided to save his vagina rant for another day and pulled his phone from his pocket, moving from the desk to Imayoshi's lap as he opened up Skype, deciding to check on what his f-f-f-f-fuck ups were doing!  
  
They weren't his friends or anything!  
  
_Monday August 29th_  
  
_4:51 pm_  
  
BlackWidHoe: y'all are not gonna believe what Shoi and this weird ass mayonnaise man are talking about  
  
5: 38 pm  
  
PunPrince: sex?  
  
PunPrince: I BET ITS SEX!!!  
  
BlackWidHoe: uh Mayuzumi here  
  
PunPrince: why are u on hanamemes phone?  
  
BlackWidHoe: because he came over and threw his phone at me for insulting his vagina and I tried to unlock it and the password was Imayoshi's bday which is pretty fucking cute and now I'm going through his photos  
  
BlackWidHoe: I was expecting the nudes but not the overload of cat pictures  
  
PunPrince: awwww who knew hanameme could be such a hanacutie!  
  
BlackWidHoe: anyways  
  
BlackWidHoe: Hanamiya and imayoshit are fixing our broken ass shower  
  
BlackWidHoe: they sound so happy in there lol the fuck are they doing  
  
BlackWidHoe: ...oh  
  
BlackWidHoe: OH  
  
BlackWidHoe: EW  
  
PunPrince: sometimes I slip on the shower and try to grab the water but I always end up almost dying BUT IM STILL HERE SO THAT MIST MEAN SOMETHING!!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: You seem like a hard person to kill.  
  
PunPrince: UM? (☉_☉) WOT? THANK YOU?  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Just an observation. I'm good at observing these kinds of things.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: For example I know that Mayuzumi is way too easy to kill.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I threatened Chihiro to treat Reo well with my infamous scissors and he was hospitalized for a week! What a weak condiment.  
  
BlackWidHoe: fIU CK YOU ONO UH UH  B EYE EEE FUCK YOU AKASHI ALSO WHERES REO  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: He's on his way.  
  
BlackWidHoe: T HANKS ALSO CHOKE ON A DICK AND DIE FUCk  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Okay, Reo said he's bringing a care package by the way.  
  
PunPrince: OOH I WANNA CARE PACKAGE!!!  
  
PunPrince: AKASHIT SEND ME A CARE PACKAGE!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Maybe I'll send you one for your birthday.  
  
PunPrince: OH GOODNESS GOLLY THANKS!!!  
  
PunPrince: FYI IM ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING BUT MONEY  
  
PunPrince: ALSO DIAMONDS ARE GOOD TOO  
  
PunPrince: MONEY WRAPPED IN DIAMONDS  
  
PunPrince: DIAMONDS WRAPPED IN MONEY!!!  
  
PunPrince: I'm not picky!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Well...I'll keep it in mind... Anyways speaking of shower sex, do people really do that?  
  
PunPrince: well me and teppei did the horizontal dance with no pants in the shower once  
  
PunPrince: well it wasnt v horizontal! It was pretty vertical in my opinion cuz he had me pressed against the wall of the shower and we werent wearing pants because who tf wears pants in the shower!!!  
  
PandaPrincess: i once walked in on Mura fully clothed in the shower because he was too lazy to take his clothes off  
  
PunPrince: omg what  
  
PandaPrincess: Mura does most things with clothes on cuz he lazy af  
  
PandaPrincess: take that as you will  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Wow. It seems that Atsushi hasn't changed at all since middle school. Amazing.  
  
PandaPrincess: hes beauty  
  
PandaPrincess: hes grace  
  
PandaPrincess: hes kaijos ace  
  
PandaPrincess: wait that's not my team lol  
  
Taco: YOU WERE VICE CAPTAIN OF YOSEN WTF WHY CANT YOU REMEMBER YOUR TEAM  
  
PandaPrincess: don't team shame me you knock off fajita  
  
Taco: OH MAN,,,IT BURNS,,,FUCK WHAT A GOOD ROAST,,,  
  
FuriKou: that doesn't even make sense omg  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Oh hey Kouki! Eikichi used your recipe for tacos last night and it was amazing! Thank you for that!  
  
FuriKou: oh hahaha it wasnt mine it was my moms  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Well send your mom our thanks! Reo even ate three tacos and he only eats salad!  
  
Taco: time to become a salad so reo can eat me brb  
  
Kuroko: I'm salad shaming you.  
  
Taco: I CAN DEAL  
  
FuriKou: I had a salad yesterday but Izuki senpai stole it because he's a terrible person  
  
PandaPrincess: ikr he sucks right??  
  
FuriKou: EXCUSE ME SENPAI MIGHT BE AWFUL AND TERRIBLE AND SUCKY BUT HES A REALLY GOOD PERSON AND V NICE AND V LAME AND I LOVE HIM ALOT AND I PRETEND TO HATE BEING CALLED HIS SON BUT ITS KINDA CUTE SO U NEVER GET TO CALL HIM SUCKY UNLESS UR HIS KOUHAI  
  
PunPrince: FURI MA SON I LOVE U THX FOR DEFENDING ME!!!  
  
FuriKou: NO PROBLEM SENPAI THANKS FOR STANDING UP FOR ME TODAY WITH HYUUGA SENPAI  
  
PunPrince: HYUUGAS A SOGGY LIL BREAD ROLL NP SON  
  
Taco: WAIT PAE WHAT HAPPENED  
  
PandaPrincess: damn I got my ass called out by furi...nice...damn i need a team mom to protect me...why doesn't yosen have a team mom damnit  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Maybe you're the team mom? Just a hypothesis.  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I would like to hear this story about your 'Soggy Little Bread Roll' of a senpai. I've had my fair share of those. Nijimura-senpai was quite the soggy bread roll type.  
  
PandaPrincess: I CANT BE TEAM MOM  
  
Taco: why not?!?!?  
  
PandaPrincess: IM NOT TALL ENOUGH!!!  
  
Taco: the team mom is usually pretty short~ I mean look at Kasa! And shun! And now you!  
  
PandaPrincess: I CANT BE A TEAM MOM IM NOT RESPONSIBLE AND SHIT!!!  
  
PandaPrincess: im just a slut at a catholic school that drinks their weight in Himuro's vodka and deep throats rods of ice to turn my maybe boyfriend on!!!  
  
FuriKou: well all team moms are different!!! You can be a...strange person and still be a mom! Like Izuki senpai!  
  
PunPrince: aye  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) das me  
  
PunPrince: o shit!!!  
  
Taco: its dat boi?  
  
PunPrince: NO!!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TELL YALL A STORY  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: I do enjoy a good story.  
  
PunPrince: okay so me and furi were talking to hyuuga and I causally mentioned to hyuuga how furi would be a great captain when he's in his third year and hyuuga being the ass fuck he was COMPLETELY shut the idea down and said furi was not a good candidate for captain and I SNATCHED HIS WEAVE I made that bitch bald with how I called him out and told him that furi would be the best captain ever!!! and then he promised to give furi a legit chance and when I left them they were still talking which I think was good?  
  
Taco: oh my HECK I'm crying that was so fucking sweet I want captain furi so badly!!!!  
  
AkashiSeijuurou: Oh my god I completely support the idea of Kouki being captain, I'm very glad that you uh...snatched Hyuuga's 'weave' Izuki! You're obviously protective over your 'kids'.  
  
PunPrince: nawwww I just thought that furi deserved a chance at least!!!  
  
FuriKou: senpai isn't so awful all the time!  
  
PandaPrincess: high praise lmao  
  
PandaPrincess: but anyways Furihata being captain wouldn't be the worst thing that happened to seirin lol  
  
FuriKou: thanks guys omg!!! me and hyuuga senpai are going to go to this cafe near his house so we can talk about this more!!! And uh Izuki senpai?  
  
PunPrince: yessssssssssssssss •3•  
  
FuriKou: ill be sure to put in a good word for u with hyuuga senpai!!!  
  
PunPrince: (⊙ᗜ⊙) OH YES TO THE HECK!!!  
  
_6:05 pm_  
  
BlackWidHoe: what up sock senpai  
  
SockSenpai: what do U want? U never message me outside of the group?  
  
SockSenpai: and why am I in a group with you, imayoshi and Kuroko?!?!?  
  
Kuroko: Well, we figured that we would be the best people to talk to you about you and your confusion about your sexuality.  
  
Kuroko: Ever since Aomine-kun messaged me about your sexual attraction or lack thereof...  
  
SockSenpai: SHIT Anew phone who is this  
  
TheShadyKing: ya can't even use that meme properly holy shit Kasa when will ya stop being so cute  
  
SockSenpai: when will you stop being so damn awful????  
  
BlackWidHoe: there is a time and place to roast my boyfriend and usually I am all for ruining lives but fuck not now!!!  
  
BlackWidHoe: so me and shoi just had sex and it was fucking fantastic  
  
TheShadyKing: oh god it was so good  
  
Kuroko: What a coincidence, I just finished 'bumping the ugly' with Taiga-kun!  
  
SockSenpai: guys I rlly don't wanna talk about this...  
  
BlackWidHoe: you haven't lived until youve gotten your man to eat you out in the shower~~~ at least shois mouth is good for something  
  
TheShadyKing: you taste good as always baby  <3 like a caramel frozen yogurt delight~~~  
  
Kuroko: What the fuck.  
  
Kuroko: Anyways, while you two horny kids were doing what horny kids do in the showers together me and Taiga-kun were churning thy butter like adults.  
  
SockSenpai: these euphemisms are too cringey  
  
TheShadyKing: hater~  
  
BlackWidHoe: adults???? Kids???? HOE YOURE SO SMALL YOU PROBABLY CANT EVEN LEGALLY SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A CAR  
  
Kuroko: Don't front seat shame me. This is about Kasamatsi-san not me!  
  
SockSenpai: no no nOoOnnoO cmon shit heads lets make this about Kuroko instead  
  
Kuroko: I love sucking dick.  
  
SockSenpai: LETS NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT KUROKO ANYMORE  
  
BlackWidHoe: PEEN PEEN PEEN I FUCKING LOVE PEEN  
  
SockSenpai: wow what a deep thoughtful insightful conversation  
  
TheShadyKing: VAG VAG VAG I fucking love vag  
  
SockSenpai: whAT FRESH HELL IS THIS  
  
Kuroko: CHRIST KASAMATSU-SAN I THOUGHT TAIGA KUN WAS THE MOST OBLIVIOUS PERSON I KNEW but apparently not.  
  
Kuroko: WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR ASEXUALITY.  
  
SockSenpai: Oh...  
  
SockSenpai: OH  
  
SockSenpai: well that was a damn terrible approach to it  
  
TheShadyKing: fair enough  
  
BlackWidHoe: well maybe we were just hoping to scare your ass with some sexy talk and get ya to confess but it didn't fucking work!!!  
  
Kuroko: I guess I drew a diagram for nothing.  
  
Kuroko: Anyways, long story short, there's nothing wrong with being asexual and there's nothing wrong with being sexually active.  
  
Kuroko: What matters is the size of your 'peen'.  
  
BlackWidHoe: RUDE  
  
Kuroko: Sorry. Size of your clitoris?  
  
BlackWidHoe: huh i might need shoi to measure it next time he's down there  
  
SockSenpai: OKAY ENOUGH!!! YOU GUYS MADE YOUR POINT!  
  
SockSenpai: yeah I'm asexual  
  
SockSenpai: and thanks for reassuring me Kuroko man!  
  
Kuroko: Even though, statistically speaking, only 1% of the population is asexual that's still a lot of people. You're not alone Kasamatsu-san. Midorima-kun is also asexual, I remember he kind of came out to me in middle school. And I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking to you about it. No matter how much he screams that he does.  
  
BlackWidHoe: yeah man Kasa do ur thing if u don't wanna have sex don't have sex if u do wanna have sex fucking have sex but make sure  that it's consensual cuz if it's not them yous a piece of shit!!!  
  
SockSenpai: words to live by...thanks Hanamiya! Dude maybe you're not the worst after all  
  
BlackWidHoe: don't be fooled I am the worst (✿╹◡╹)  
  
TheShadyKing: damn I almost cut myself on all the edge~  
  
TheShadyKing: anyways Kasa sex is great and I rlly can't understand why u wouldn't wanna have it but I guess everyone's different lol  
  
TheShadyKing: have you ever...had sex? Maybe it's like one of those things you don't know until you try it  
  
SockSenpai: fuck u imayoshit I just know man it's like how'd u know u were the devil? U just fucking know sometimes!  
  
TheShadyKing: I woke up one day and had _'666'_ tattooed on my ass and I just _'knew'_  
  
TheShadyKing: God bless  
  
TheShadyKing: or should I say Satan bless...  
  
_*Kuroko left the conversation*_  
  
_*SockSenpai left the conversation*_  
  
TheShadyKing: babe...pls don't leave me  
  
BlackWidHoe: noT TODAY SATAN  
  
BlackWidHoe: NOT. TODAY  
  
_*BlackWidHoe left the conversation*_  
  
TheShadyKing: welp...i deserved all of this.  



	17. of threesomes and a strange lack of texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter should probably be ignored (IM KIDDING DONT IGNORE THIS CHAPTER ITS FUNNY BUT NOT RELAED TO WHAT LITTLE PLOT I HAVE IN THIS FIC) this is probably gonna be an easter egg chapter lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super late update but i have class tomorrow and my updates will be a lil wonky also this chapter might suck but i hope yall enjoy it anyways! love u guys so much~
> 
> no texts in this chapter but i swear next chapter will be much better!!!! i hope hahahahah....i mean theres some smexy memes in this chapter which is always dank af

It was a muggy, moist, meek, *insert other adjective that starts with the letter m* morning and team Seirin had been excused from practice and were chilling like villains at Kagami’s swagged out crib. The majority of them were sat in a circle in Kagami’s living room looking like their asses were going to summon an Imayoshi-I mean the devil ;). While the devil was being summoned in the living room another kind of devil was hard at work, cooking up a concoction that would surely lead to several traumatic injuries if not an actual death.

 

Riko was whipping up a batch of her infamous banana pudding and whipping was indeed the right verb to use because there yellow goop everywhere, in her hair, on Kagami who was cowering in the corner of the kitchen, even on Nigou who had entered the kitchen for a mere second before scampering away as soon as Riko tried to give him a sample of the pudding. Kagami knew he probably should’ve told Riko to heck off long ago because this kitchen was going to be a bitch and a half to clean but Riko had threatened him with a whisk and Kagami ain’t no Eren Jaeger. He wasn’t no suicidal bastard, so he did the sensible thing and hid in the corner playing Mystic Messenger. Also, he didn’t want Kuroko seeing him play a dating sim with sexy animu bois. Speaking of Kuroko…

 

A very intense game of truth or dare was going on in Kagami’s room of living. Now y’all mere mortals probably have no idea what this silly little party game means to this team but truth or dare was taken very seriously here.

 

(In fact Seirin even had a lil hall of fame going on. Some of the swaggiest mentions were;

 

Hyuuga having to call someone random from Izuki’s contact list and have a one minute conversation with them. He had ended up chatting with Takao but had lost the dare because he couldn’t keep a conversation going with Takao. Mainly because when asked what he was doing Takao casually told Hyuuga he was smoking crack and then got offended when Hyuuga laughed at him and told him that you smoked COKE not crack because the rocks would probably end up hurting your nose.

 

Then there was the time Fukuda tried to recreate one of Reo’s most popular instagrams where he’s lying in a luxurious looking bathtub, his naughty bits strategically covered with the thick water from his bath bomb. Seirin didn’t have a bath bomb so they used soap to cover Fukuda’s family jewels. He won the game but rumour had it his pee pee was all swollen for a week, so did he really win in the end?

 

There was also the time where Kiyoshi was dared to message Hanamiya and ask for a strip tease. Hanamiya surprisingly went along with it and sent a video of him stripping but before any sexy nip nops were revealed Hanamiya had edited in a jump scare so everyone’s dick just went soft as they shit themselves. God bless Hanamiya. Or shall I say Satan bless?

 

It was safe to say that truth or dare was a very dangerous but very rewarding game. Much like life itself.)

 

(DAMN THROW THAT ON A MOTIVATIONAL POSTER!)

 

“Hyuuga-senpai, truth or dare. Choose truth or I’ll shove a basketball up your anus.”

 

“Um...don’t tell your upperclassmen what to do!!! I choose dare!”

 

“Okay. Go shove a basketball up your anus.”

 

Hyuuga’s ears reddened as he realized he had played himself. Everyone laughed at him as he corrected himself in a quiet voice.

 

“Fine. Truth.”

 

Kuroko smiled a smile of satisfaction as he stroked the sleeping dog (or as Furihata lovingly referred to him as ‘a pupper!!!!’) in his lap looking like a straight up villain about to execute Hyuuga’s pasty ass.

 

Hyuuga gulped.

 

“CONGRATULATIONS!” Koganei hooted. “YOU PLAYED YOURSELF!”

 

Izuki gave his friend a high five for using a semi relevant meme.

 

“THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS NOT FUCKING WITH KUROKO!” He yelled back and Furihata groaned quietly.

 

“Senpai please stop yelling-”

 

“HOW ABOUT I DO IT ANYWAYS!!!!”

 

Kiyoshi pulled Izuki into his arms and gave him a kiss which shut him up immediately. As the two canoodled Mitobe wiggled his eyebrows at Koganei.

 

 _‘That’s gay.’_ Mitobe’s eyebrows said and Koganei nodded vigorously.

 

“You right Rin-chan, you right.”

 

Furihata giggled at the scene in front of him, Mitobe’s persistent eyebrow wiggling and Koganei’s serious face, Kuroko trying to think of the most gut wrenching, terrible truth question for Hyuuga while said captain squirmed and Tsuchida tried to vainly keep Kuroko from ending Hyuuga and his career, and of course, Kiyoshi and Izuki sucking face. Furihata tried discreetly to pull his phone out and snap a picture of the crazy scene to send to Akashi...and the other point guardds of course! It was just that Akashi seemed to care about the little things more than anyone else Furihata had ever met.

  


Furihata felt like he could send Akashi snap chats of literally anything and Akashi would respond like it was the most interest thing in the world. Just last week Furihata had sent Akashi a bunch of different styles for bangs that Furihata was planning to get and with Akashi’s help (and a little bit of advice from Reo) they narrowed it down to just one style and Furihata had done the big chop and looked pretty fucking okay in his opinion. When Furihata had shown Akashi his new hairstyle via a skype video chat, Akashi had gone all quiet while Rakuzan squealed over Furihata’s new do. Maybe Akashi didn’t like it? Maybe that was why he got so red every time Furihata ran his hand through his hair. Oh gah! Boys, girls, people in general were just so hard to understand!

  


Furihata snapped the picture and put a cute little sticker that said _‘SQUAD!’_ on it to subtly rub in Akashi’s face that the Seirin Squad  > the Rakuzan Squad. That was like...basic chemistry or something!

 

Anyways we can’t get side tracked with our plots again shall we? Back to Mr. Soggy Bread Roll Hyuuga himself about to become some burnt ass toast after Kuroko was done with him.

 

“Okay, can my truth be a question senpai?”

 

“Uh...sure.”

 

“Why the fuck are you so fucking crusty?”

 

Everyone shrieked with laughter yet again as Kuroko ended yet another peasants life. But this peasant wasn’t going down without a fight.

 

“I’m not crusty what the hell!” Hyuuga shouted over the sound of Kagami’s microwave exploding. The fact that Seirin pretty much ignored that (plus the combined sounds of Kagami’s panicked yelling and Riko’s cackle) really said a lot about them.

 

Kuroko held up a pale small hand which effectively shut everyone up. Yas werk it boi! He gently picked up his sleeping pupper and balanced him on his pretty blue head. (A trick, he learned, that made Kagami cower and the red head would do literally anything to get Kuroko to take the dog off of his head and Kuroko, being the mastermind he was, started using that to his advantage, and got Kagami to buy him an instant vanilla milkshake machine and now Kuroko was a proud owner of the McFreezy Deezy Milkshake Hometake. YAS WERK IT BOI x2!)

 

Kuroko reached into his bag, moving slowly as he knew that everyone was watching him carefully, and pulled out a big ass Costco sized tub of lotion. Almond butter. Extra protection. Extra organic. Very oily. Much moisturizing.

 

He handed a confused looking Hyuuga the bottle of lotion that he had conveniently packed before his visit because he was an extra messy bitch that loved to start drama. Kuroko the scammer amirite.

 

“Not even this lotion can moisturize your crusty ass self.” Kuroko said and the crowd went wild.

* * *

 

“Damn, I can’t believe we just had a threesome. Like...fuck man...thought we would do it like later...but like...fuck….it was nice.”

 

Mayuzumi rolled over and lazily threw his anime body pillow at Hanamiya, missing and ending up his waifu on the floor. He frowned. _I’m sorry baby_ , he mouthed at the pillow before giving Hanamiya an unimpressed look.

 

“Are you seriously verbalizing your diary entries?”

 

Hanamiya closed his homemade (MORE LIKE HOEMADE AMIRITE) diary and put down his skull covered pen to glare at Mayuzumi. Mayuzumi would’ve been more scared if his boobies weren’t out and about.

 

“Are you seriously calling me out after I sucked your fucking penis?”

 

“...Point taken.”

 

“And then Mako-chan was all like _“ooh yeah give it to me baby!”_ and his tiddies were all flapping and mayonnaise was grunting like he was opening a sealed jar of mayonnaise and then-”

 

Reo’s bubbly laugh sounded tinny through Imayoshi’s shitty speakers he had connected to Mayuzumi’s phone.

 

“Honey when I meant to describe the night I meant vaguely! Less is more you know?”

 

Like any good boyfriend Mayuzumi had checked in with Reo before sticking his mayonnaise junior into someone else’s poon or booty hole. Reo had been weirdly okay with it and said that she was totally okay with her boyfriend sleeping around as long as she was informed about it later and Mayuzumi didn’t get too attached. Reo had made her lover a whole binder full of Terms & Conditions and Mayuzumi had done the relatable thing and pretended to read it and then signed it with one of Reo’s glittery fountain pens.

 

And of course the first two people Mayuzumi had to bump the ugly with were his terrible, sexy roommate and his awful, beautiful boyfriend.

 

Mayuzumi snatched the phone from Imayoshi, and hastily disconnected it from the speaker, and grabbed one of his pillows to hide his dick with as he ran to the bathroom to chat with his lovely, non condiment of a girlfriend.

 

Hanamiya put his diary away and let Imayoshi pull him into an embrace and stroke his hair being uncharacteristically gentle with his demi spooder princess.

 

“Makoto-I mean er...ya highness? He didn’t use a condom right? And he put his wiener of justice in your poon and not your bootyhole?”

 

Hanamiya hummed and nodded against Imayoshi’s bare chest.

 

“Ya know…” Imayoshi snickered, with that characteristic mischievous gleam in his eyes. “Since he doesn’t know you’re on birth control...ya can totally convince him you’re pregnant?”

 

“Holy fucking shit, you’re a genius.”

* * *

 

“So like...dude...Wei keeps bothering me and asking me when we’re gonna make things official and I’m like bro...dawg...man...chill...what’s the rush? I keep trying to tell him that I just wanna keep fucking and I don’t wanna date and shit but like...he’s like...bro...he’s like...I wanna date you...and I’m like...no man…”

 

Himuro nodded as he fed Murasakibara a pretzel, looking deep in thought as his giant ass boyfriend sucked on his fingers.

 

“You guys seem to have some pretty deep conversations.” He laughed and Fukui punched him because he detected some light sarcasm from his friend.

 

“Fuck off we just don’t talk much!!! We just fuck!”

 

Murasakibara crunched on his snack loudly before putting his two cents into the conversation. Not that Fukui really wanted to hear this purple haired fucks words. He wasn’t really that fond of Murasakibara anyways but had to deal with this Willy Wonka bitch all the time because where there was a Himuro, there was a Murasakibara.

 

Fukui idly wondered if they took shits together. Darn those are some true #RelationshipGoals.

 

“How about...Fukui-chin...talks to Wei-chin...during sex?”

 

It was a terrible suggestion but Himuro still smiled encouragingly at his boyfriend and pet his head.

  


“No baby, I’m afraid that’s not gonna help him.”

 

Murasakibara pouted and rolled over to snuggle deeper into Himuro’s bed. Fukui wondered why Himuro’s dorm room was the main hangout for Yosen always. Now that he thought of it he had never seen Murasakibara’s room...Fukui had heard a rumour that Mura’s ass was so long that they had to make a custom bed for him...wait no that sounds weird. Dicks out for long asses though.

 

Fukui rolled his eyes and decided a visual model would be better for Himuro to understand.

 

He made a fist and pointed to it.

 

“See this? This is an asshole-”

  


“No it’s Fukui-chin’s hand-”

 

“FUCK YOU IT’S AN ASSHOLE NOW! Now do you know what this asshole is called?”

 

“Fukui-chin’s hand?”

 

Fukui ignored him and looked directly at Himuro who shrugged and laughed a little, leaning back and enjoying some Senpai Shenanigans. Some SenShans.

 

“What’s the asshole called?”

 

“It’s called love!” Fukui yelled, getting more and more fired up as he unraveled his analogy. Fukui held the middle finger of his other hand up.

 

“Now this! This is my dick!” Fukui shouted and held one hand up high while his fist stayed clenched in his lap. “Do you see? I’m literally not _IN_ love!”

 

Himuro held up a fist of his own and grabbed Fukui’s middle finger, I mean ‘dick’ and moved his hand so his fist was closed around his friends finger.

 

“Dude…” Himuro smiled sympathetically. “You know what my fist- I mean my asshole is called? Denial. Dude you’re literally _IN_ denial.”  

 


	18. of almost confessions and some more unlikely friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ImaHanaHimu is real
> 
> SO IS AKAFURI ALMOST
> 
> also rip in pieces takao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RLLY QUICK UPDATE BUT IM IN A HURRY BUT I HOPE U GUYS LOVE IT!!!
> 
> LEAVE A COMMENT AND A KUDOS BECAUSAE YALL KNOW I LIVE OFF OF THEM!!! ENJOY!!!! also yall should totally tell me what you guys wanna see next chapter too that would be rad! ideas will help me update faster!!! ALSO SIX THOUSAND HITS FUCK YEAH!!!!! YALL ARE SO PERFECT!!!

“Shin-chaaaaaaaaaaaan! Oh Shin-chan? Sin-chan! Sin-chaaaaaaaan~” Takao borderline yodelled as he rolled around on the carpet of his bedroom. The soft material felt good on Takao’s face but he knew that Midorima’s tongue would probably feel better. Just the thought of Midorima licking Takao’s face all Hanameme style made Takao wiggle happily. But alas, Midorima was too busy reading a boring non erotic book about the history of magic. Fifty shades of boi bye.

 

It wasn’t their worst date, (there was the incident with Takao and the seagull that had attacked him, the time Takao got stuck in a bike rack, the time Takao made Midorima’s sister cry by telling her conspiracy theories about her favorite T.V shows, the time Takao was trying to serenade Midorima with the most wholesome, sweet and beautiful love songs of all time and then Takao’s sister just had to burst into the room and demand to know what Takao was singing. It had been slightly embarrassing to explain to his sister what ‘ride dick bicycle’ meant while he was in the same room as his precious boyfriend Long story short, Takao attracted disasters during dates like Miyaji senpai’s pineapple smoothies attracted flies and Izuki’s flat booty attracted men fOR SOME REASON!!!) but it definitely wasn’t the best. But Takao was determined to make this date the most interesting they had yet! SO Takao was wholly prepared to bring out the big guns! 

 

Him and Midorima were going to do something very special...something very adult....something usually saved for special occasions but god damnit it was a boring ass Saturday evening and no time seemed better than the present to the mexican delicacy rolling around on the ground.

 

Takao got up and ignored the curious look Midorima shot his way. He sashayed to his dresser and seductively squatted and then shrieked internally when he felt his jeans stretch uncomfortably because they couldn't handle dat fat ass that was currently living inside of them. Takao made a big show of bending over and rummaging through the door before he got up again, kicking the drawer shut and grabbing the box that was always on top of the dresser and moved to sit next to Midorima on the bed. Takao loved to be an Extra Bitch. 

 

“Oh hello Kazunari- what the hell is that?”

 

Takao fluttered his non existent lashes at Midorima and plopped the box between them, reaching over it to grab Midorima’s hands and squeeze them gently.

 

“Babe...shit-chan...Shintaraou...my sweet...I think it’s time.”

 

Midorima’s eyes widened and just the slightest hint of a blush appeared on his high cheekbones. Boi tell me your contour secrets.

 

“Are...are you sure Kazunari?”

 

Takao licked his lips and nodded, sneaking a look over his shoulder to make sure his door was closed before moving Midorima’s book away and settling in his lap, the box between them. 

 

“I’ve never showed anyone what’s in this before...but I think...you’re the one.”

 

Midorima swallowed thickly and placed his hands over Takao’s in an intimate manner. 

 

“Let me help you open it.”

 

Together they removed the top of the box but before Takao could show Midorima what was inside of the box his phone rang and Midorima cursed and head butted Takao causing the smaller boy to shriek and fall backwards, the contents of the box spilling all over Takao.

 

“It’s a box of magic tricks?” Midorima shouted at the same time Takao yelled; “What’s wrong with my ring tone?”

 

“It’s the sound of your strange friend screaming his lungs out, it’s a terrible ringtone!”

 

“You take that back Shit-chan!” Takao howled and snatched his phone from the nightstand and answered it while Midorima grumbled and rummaged through the magic tricks that were currently chilling on Takao’s belly.

 

“What?” Takao snapped into the phone and then giggled as he felt Midorima’s fingers lightly tickle his stomach as he moved to grab the magic wand on Takao’s belly. 

 

“Sup man.”

 

“FUCK YOU WANT HOE?” Takao screamed into the phone and Midorima snapped the wand in half as he looked up, obviously startled and annoyed. “YOU DON’T JUST CALL ME WHEN I’M ABOUT TO MAKE MY MAN’S HEART STOP FROM HOW ROMANTIC AND CLEVER IT IS!”

 

Hanamiya snickered on the other end. He didn’t even bother to cover his phone as he spoke to the person next to him; 

 

“Told you he was too busy banging carrot fucker to hang out with us.”

 

Takao’s furious expression immediately melted into one of giddy excitement. 

 

“Who???? Who are you with?!?!?!?!?! I wanna hang with y’all!” Takao made a funny noise in the back of his throat after he noticed Midorima was pointing the broken wand at him threateningly. “Um...I mean after I show Shin-chan this special gift of mine!”

 

“Uh oh, I think we interrupted their sex toy show and tell.” Hanamiya laughed and then passed the phone to the other person so Takao could clearly hear the other person.

 

“Ugh, you ass, I told you to call Reo! Not _him_!”

 

“Oh my god Himuro hi babe dude bro I missed you so much what’s up!” Takao squealed. Even Midorima wasn’t immune to Himuro’s charm and looked a bit misty eyed as he listened to Himuro quitely;

 

“Oh hell, it’s you.” Himuro grumbled and took a long sip of his drink. Takao lowkey wished he was that drink. Fucking drink shame Takao all day every day.”That’s not Reo God damnit! I wanted to hoe it up with Reo, not _him_!”

 

Hanamiya howled happily (try saying that five times fast) as Takao wailed and threw his phone at Midorima.

 

“SHIN-CHAN THEY’RE BEING RUDE! KILL THEM!”

 

Midorima awkwardly took the phone and spoke directly into it in a classy business man like voice.

 

“My boyf- Kazunari is...um...a perfect person to…’hoe’ it up with..how dare you all exclude him from such activities? He is too good to ‘hoe’ it up with you promiscuous peasants anyways!”

 

“TELL ‘EM BOI BYE!” Takao yelled and Midorima, struck with a sudden bout of confidence, snapped the phone shut and smiled confidently at Takao. But, alas, Takao was just a mere boy and having witnessed the precious rare smile of Midorima, directed right at him, Takao couldn’t handle it.

 

He ded.

 

_ 9: 47 am _

 

_ Saturday September 10th _

 

PunPrince: we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one of our readers favorite characters

 

SockSenpai: huh???

 

PunPrince: KAZUNARI

 

PunPrince: MY PAE!!!!! 

 

PunPrince: HES GONE!!!!

 

FuriKou: what??????????? NO!!!!!!! HE CANT DIE YET!!!!! HE TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO BE THE BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING!!!

 

PandaPrincess: what the fuck he told me I WAS GOING TO BE HIS BEST MAN!!! Fuckin bitch deserved to die after two timing us

 

Kuroko: R.I.P in pieces Takao. You won’t be missed.

 

FuriKou: KUROKO HOW COULD U BE SO RUDE RN THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER!!!

 

SockSenpai: what the actual fuck is takao actually dead

 

PandaPrincess: arent we all dead on the inside?

 

Kuroko: Okay Himuro-san did you hack Fukui-senpai’s skype account again?

 

PandaPrincess: THAT WAS ONE TIME HECK OFF

 

PunPrince: i cant believe it,,,my pae is 6 feet under,,,and yall are making jokes? DISGUSTING

 

FuriKou: wait if takaos dead then who just tweeted ‘boutta pull a sick ass magic trick on shin-chan get ready to SWOON BABY!!!’

 

FuriKou: ...takaos not actually dead is he?

 

Kuroko: Damnit.

 

PunPrince: OFC HES NOT DEAD!!! :D he just texted me saying he was deceased cuz he saw midorima smile!!! Which is relatable!!! Because i also die!!! When yoshi smiles at me!!! Because hes so handsome!

 

PunPrince: dat was ur wholesome meme of the day

 

PandaPrincess: yall are weak af i dont die when wei or mura or himuro smile at me lol

 

PunPrince: i bet u died when himuro showed u his smexy eye under his smexy fringe

 

PandaPrincess: FUCK I DONT HAVE TO ANSWER THAT

 

Kuroko: I die when I see Kagami-kun trying to get along with Nigou for my sake. I watched him put a diaper on my baby because Nigou kept peeing everywhere. It didn’t work. Kagami-kun got peed on during the process and screamed and ran away. It was adorable.

 

FuriKou: NAWWWWWW!!!! Omg thats adorable!!!

 

PandaPrincess: ew no one wants to hear about ur freaky fetishes kuroko

 

PunPrince: LET K BAG WATCH HIS BOYFRIEND GETTING PEED ON BY A DOG IN PEACE DAMNIT IM SHAMING YOUR KINK SHAME YOU PRINCESS OF ENDANGERED MAMMALS 

 

PandaPrincess: PANDAS AINT ENDANGERED ANYMORE FUCK U BITCH

 

PandaPrincess: https:///pandasareimmortalfuckubitchestheyhereforeverlitfamlmao!!!!.com

 

SockSenpai: really? Oh wow thats great! Nakamura likes pandas alot...im going to send him that  article!

 

FuriKou: kasa senpai is so pure,,,so perfect,,,what a good senpai,,,i wish he was my senpai!

 

PunPrince: R00D

 

PunPrince: i aint driving u to the mall every week u ungrateful lil chihuahua!!!

 

PunPrince: find urself a new mommy!!!

 

FuriKou: okay senpai

 

FuriKou: its just that!!!! Hyuuga senpai is so weird omg!!!

 

Kuroko: I second that. He yells at me whenever I try to talk to him. To be fair I do like to appear out of nowhere occasionally. But threatening to put a collar with a bell attached to it around my neck is a little much. The only one who can do that is Kagami-kun.

 

PunPrince: ALRIGHT COMMENCE THE KINK SHAME FUKUI

 

PandaPrincess: *commences kink shame*

 

Kuroko: *is kink shamed*

 

FuriKou: omg lol guys lemme tell my story about my coffee date with hyuuga senpai!

 

PunPrince: DATE?!?!!?!?!!??!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Date?

 

Kuroko: Ew, it’s Akashi-kun. Ew.

 

SockSenpai: hahahaha tell us about your coffee ‘date’ with hyuuga

 

FuriKou: WELL IT WASNT ACTUALLY A DATE GUYS OMG IT WAS JUST A CASUAL MEETING WITH MY SENPAI!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Did you sit in the same booth together or did you sit opposite each other?

 

FuriKou: huh why does it matter???

 

PandaPrincess: lol everybody knows that if u sit in the same booth ur touching dicks in private but if ur sitting across from each other than it just heterosexual guys being bros duh

 

FuriKou: omg well we were sitting across from each other!!! Hyuuga senpai kept freaking out when our feet touched and told everyone around us that we werent on a date...just being friends so i guess izuki senpai is right when he describes hyuuga senpai as an aggresive heterosexual 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I wonder if I’m an aggressive homosexual?

 

SockSenpai: nah dude youre a passive aggressive homosexual

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ...Yes, that’s a perfect thing to put as my yearbook quote.

 

PunPrince: WELL IM GLAD THAT MY BAE JUNPEI AND MY SON FURI WERE HAVING A NICE PLATONIC DATE CONSIDERING THAT SOON JUNPEI IS GONNA BECOME ONE OF FURIS DADDIES SOON!!!

 

PunPrince: platonic daddy

 

Kuroko: The best kind of daddy is platonic. Nijimra-senpai is my platonic daddy.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Excuse me, Nijimura-senpai is my actual father.

 

Kuroko: Nijimura-senpai is my GRANDFATHER!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Well he’s my great grandfather!

 

Kuroko: Damnit Akashi-kun you ruined my life in middle school just let Nijimura-senpai be my platonic daddy and fuck off for once!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ...I’m sorry, Nijimura-senpai is your platonic daddy.

 

PunPrince: i want kasa to be my platonic daddy!!!

 

SockSenpai: And i want to flatten you with a bulldozer but i guess thats not happening anytime soon either. 

 

PunPrince: HECK U KASA IM TELLING MY REAL DADDY ABOUT U BULLYING ME!!!

 

PandaPrincess: FUCK ENOUGH DADDY TALK FURI ARE U SEIRINS NEXT CAPTAIN OR NOT!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh yes! Kouki...or should I say Captain Furihata?

 

FuriKou: omg im blushing stop sei!!! and ...YEAH ITS OFFICIAL!!

 

PandaPrincess: hells yah furi!!!! HELLS YAH!!!! 

 

PunPrince: FUCK YEAH!!! WE POPPING THE BIGGEST BOTTLES TONIGHT IN HONOUR OF OUR NEW CAPTAIN!!!

 

FuriKou: oh senpai stawp i have a whole year left!!! BUT HECK YES OMG IM SO HAPPY!!

 

Kuroko: I have faith in you Furihata-kun, you won’t screw our already screwed up team up even more.

 

FuriKou: Thanks Kuroko omg?

 

Kuroko: You’re welcome. :)

 

SockSenpai: Oh man! Furi youre captain? Im….im impressed, youve come a long way from that quivering lil chihuahua facing off agaisnt akashi in your guys’s last match!!!

 

FuriKou: well...befriending Sei-kun really helped….hes probably the one who helped me the most…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh Kouki...it was nothing. Besides I should be the one thanking you! All of our skype sessions...they’ve really helped me anchor myself to reality, to my true self, to this self…

 

PandaPrincess: holy crap this is gayer than the time himuro twerked on mura in a crop top to a lady gaga song…

 

PunPrince: SHUT YOUR HECK UP FUKUI I THINK ONE OF THEM IS GONNA CONFESS!!!

 

FuriKou: …

 

SockSenpai: lmao well if they were before they arent gonna now…

 

Kuroko: I need to leave. As much as I’d like to stay and suffer through this cringefest I have to pick up Kagami-kun from detention. 

 

SockSenpai: what did he get detention for? Did that fucker break another basketball hoop? 

 

FuriKou: omg did he try to fight someone again for ignoring u?

 

PunPrince: did he challenge rikos dad to another pushup competition??? Did rikos dad lose and make himself feel better by giving kagami detention??? Again??!!?!?!?!

 

PandaPrincess: lmao what the fuck?!?!?!?!?!

 

PunPrince: WHAT ITS A COMMON THING THAT HAPPENS LIKE AT LEAST MONTHLY///u think one of them would learn lol

 

Kuroko: No you’re all wrong (unsurprisingly). I was walking past his classroom on my way to go to the bathroom and watch some funny dog videos on YouTube  and he saw me and started throwing aggressive peace signs at me and his teacher thought he was threatening me so he got detention.

 

Kuroko: I should go talk to his teacher before a restraining order is placed. Can’t get dicked down by my man when he can’t even come fifty feet within me.

 

Taco: LMAO KUROKO!!!!!! U da man

 

Kuroko: Thank you. Sorry for wishing you were dead. I really need to go. Goodbye. I’ll ttalk to you all again when you stop being such crusty little boys

 

PunPrince: pae im glad ur back!!!

 

Taco: pae whaddup!!! O shit das a fuck ton of texts? Should i read it?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I’ll save you the time.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: TL;DR: We all thought you were dead, platonic daddies are a thing, Kouki is Seirin’s next captain (!!!), Hyuuga (from Seirin) is an aggressive heterosexual (I am a passive aggressive homosexual if you were curious), pandas are no longer endangered and Kuroko is quite the promiscuous ghost.

 

SockSenpai: pretty much lmao

 

Taco: thanks akashit!!! Wait wtf does tldr mean lol

 

Taco: takao loves dicks really?

 

PunPrince: LMAO HELLS YAH IT DOES

 

PunPrince: anyways has anyone heard from imayoshit or hanameme lately?

 

PunPrince: i got some receipts that would fuck them up

 

Taco: hanameme just called me lol he was with himuro and they were being v salty meanies and shin chan called them out!!!

 

FuriKou: i was sitting on my porch this morning and saw hanamiya and himuro-san heading to the park near my house! They were holding alcoholic beverages too!!! I think they were planning on drinking them!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hahaha Kouki please, you’re adorable, I got a call from Hanamiya earlier actually, he asked me if Reo or I could hang out with them but we’re literally hours away and we both had class tomorrow so we couldn’t make it.

 

SockSenpai: huh well imayoshit did text me asking if i wanted to hang out with him and two ‘bootyful babes’ and i said no because i uh...prefer my ‘babes’ funny and caring and sweet and passionate and tall...and blond...and…

 

SockSenpai: shit fuck nvm!!!

 

SockSenpai: anyways...i wonder what imayoshit and hanameme are doing..

 

Taco: sex

 

SockSenpai: takao pls go back to being ded

 

Hanamiya hummed as he took a sip from the bottle him and Himuro were sharing. The drink made him grimace but he hid it with a laugh as he noticed Himuro was watching him. Even though they were the same age and even though Hanamiya was an independent bitch that didn’t need nobody to impress he still felt the need to come off as a swaggy boi to Himuro who was the definition of a chill, laid back, swaggy boi.

 

“You should come with me to my next visit to America, man I know some dudes that would fucking die to get a taste of your sweet puss-”

 

Hanamiya forced another laugh, shutting Himuro up immediately. He shot the taller boy a look that screamed ‘BITCH MY BOYFRIEND IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU SHUT UP!’. Imayoshi laughed genuinely and placed a sneaky hand on Hanamiya’s butt. 

 

“I think he’ll pass on that America thing, right Makoto?”

 

Hanamiya shrugged, wondering idly if he should disagree with Imayoshi, not wanting to seem like a meek little submissive bitch that needed his boyfriend to make every decision for him.

 

“I suppose you’ve got a pretty wild life here, got all them sexy piercings, that curvy body, those fucked up but lowkey stylish eyebrows, and that weird but like...endearing boyfriend of yours. Hey, you have all your cool friends too!”

 

Himuro looked a little wistful as he snatched the drink from Hanamiya and looped a lazy arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. Imayoshi’s hands went from Hanamiya’s booty to Hanamiya’s non booty. 

 

His hand. Imayoshi’s hand went from Hanamiya;s booty to Hanamiya’s hand.

 

“Freinds? Hah, bitch you’re funny. My team doesn’t count as friends!”

 

“He’s right. His team is full of assholes that just wanna bang him! Ow! WHat? Mako-chan it’s true!”

 

Himuro held up a hand and grinned lazily at the two of them bickering and play fighting.

 

“Nah I mean your point guard friends! Fukui tells me all about your guys’s chats and damn! I’d kill to be in that chat but y’know...point guards only!”

 

Hanamiya and Imayoshi looked at each other, Imayoshi being the first to smile and Hanamiya following with a little turn of his lips before replacing it it a scowl. 

 

“Yeah damn well I mean...I guess they aren’t SO bad…”


	19. point guard mom is best mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which many people are called out (myself included)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is set two days in the future lol idk why
> 
> anyways leave a comment/kudos/bookmark if u guys enjoyed this chapter!!!! fucking love it when u guys do that shit!!!! yeah boi!!!!

 "Hey, here's a crazy little question that just popped into my noggin! Why the FUCK aren't you in school?"

 

"New phone who dis."

 

Kasamatsu sighed and glared at his phone that was resting on his dresser. Having a conversation while trying to artfully tousle your hair wasn't exactly the easiest thing but like most things, Kasamatsu was acing it. (Er...no pun intended.)

 

It was just another lazy Tuesday afternoon and since he had no classes, Kasamatsu was content with snoozing until he became one with his blankets but his phone rudely buzzing had interrupted his plans. At first he had thought that maybe Fukui was calling him to ask for advice about what to do with his fuck buddy or maybe if was Furihata calling to talk about Akashi, or perhaps maybe it was Izuki calling about well...his many many problems.

 

It was safe to say that Kasamatsu was not only the resident Mom of the point guards, he was also their part time therapist.

 

Which he didn't mind! Giving other people advice was so much easier than dealing with your own problems...your very own...beautiful....blond...overly sexual of a problem.

 

Anyways back to the inconvenient phone call! Moriyama had swooped out of nowhere and snatched the phone looking like some thirsty ass seagull that had just spotted some stray French fries and picked the phone up, obviously hoping it was Izuki so he could woo dat flat ass but by his disgruntled expression it obviously wasn't Izuki.

 

Kasamatsu had strained to hear the person on the other end and vaguely made out some very rude insults and lots of PG-13 curse words and realized it was probably Hanamiya who was screaming at Moriyama and making him borderline cry. So he had given Moriyama a thump on the back and he seemed to brighten up immediately before swooping out of the room and leaving Kasamatsu and Hanamiya to their phone call.

 

The two point guards had only been talking for about a minute or so when Kasamatsu looked at his limited edition basketball monthly calendar and remembered that "holy shit on a stick! it's Tuesday! why the fuck isn't this spooder at school?" After receiving a mediocre response he decided to investigate this case some more.

 

"So...Hanamiya?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Please tell me why I shouldn't whoop your fucking ass for not being in class?"

 

"La-maow. That rhymed."

 

Kasamatsu resisted the urge to fling himself off of the roof of his dorm. He rubbed his temples and groaned as Hanamiya cackled.

 

"Jesus, relax old man! Was fucking joking, I'll tell you why I'm not in class in shit if you just listened."

 

Realizing he was probably in for a real wild ass story Kasamatsu laid back on his bed and got all comfy before he said;

 

"Go on..."

 

"Aight I was suspended for a week."

 

"WHAT THE HELL?" Kasamatsu spat as he stared at his phone in disbelief. "How the fuck were you suspended?"

 

"Fucking hell Kasa lemme tell the story!!!! It was a a rainy Thursday afternoon and me and Hara-"

 

"Hara and I." Kasamatsu corrected with an eye roll and Hanamiya made a sound like he was blowing a raspberry.

 

"Eat my shit sock Senpai. Me and Hara had gym together and we had to do some whack ass test that showed how many fucking sit ups and shit you can do in a minute. So I was there, on the floor, with Hara's dumb ass sitting on my feet so I don't cheat, and I was doing my sit ups and all was good yeah?"

 

Kasamatsu nodded knowing that this all would definitely not be good in a minute.

 

"I had my eyes closed and crap because I wanted to get into the zone -not the actual zone zone la maow that's just for try hard basketball hoes- and then when I opened them to check the time I fucking saw Hara's perverted self trying to look down my shirt and sneak a peak at dem tiddies!!!! DEM TIDDIES SOCK SENPAI!!!"

 

"I heard you the first time dude."

 

"And then I fucking head butted him and when he was down I was so ready to just go all fucking WWE and jump on that motherfucker and plant my elbow into his nasty ass face but then fucking Yamazaki held me back and told me not to do any semi illegal crap but I punched him in the face because fuck him lawl and then I took an unused tampon outta my pocket -don't ask me why I had that I'm just always prepared- and I threw it at Hara and BAM I ended that fuck boy!!!! Because we all know that fuck boys are allergies to tampons. That's like...basic science or some shit."

 

Hanamiya was breathing hard as he finished that epic ass story.

 

Kasamatsu slow clapped it out, because holy shit had that been wild from start to finish. But then he remembered that Hanamiya had gotten suspended and stopped slow clapping to frown all mom like at his phone.

 

"And then you got caught."

 

"Of fucking course I got caught, when you beat up a fuck boy and destroy him with menstrual products in public you tend to get noticed by everyone!"

 

"Oh right now could I forget." Kasamatsu remarked dryly. "Beating up...er...fuck boys and destroying them with...feminine hygiene products is a private affair."

 

Kasamatsu couldn't see Hanamiya but he could imagine he was nodding vigorously.

 

"So how long is your ass suspended for?" Kasamatsu asked.

 

Hanamiya crunched down on the snack he was indulging in and sucked his teeth before answering.

 

"Uhhhh...'bout a week...it could've been shorter but the principal got angry when I called Shoi to pick me up instead of my mom. It was his fucking fault that he told me to call either my parent OR my guardian over the age of 18. IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS BREAKING HIS WHACK ASS RULES! Shoi's technically my guardian 'cause I'm always at his house and shit and he's 19, but the principal thought I was being fucking sassy and added four days to my damn suspension. What a fuck fuck."

 

"A fuck fuck indeed." Kasamatsu laughed and pulled himself up, resting back on his elbows. "Uh not to sound rude or anything but why the fuck did you call me?"

 

"Damn okay call me out. I was bored and wanted to tell someone my sick ass story. Everyone on the stupid group chat is ignoring me 'cause they're probably paying attention in class or some shit...fucking losers."

 

Kasamatsu checked his notifications and indeed Hanamiya had spammed the chat with desperate messages and lots of thirsty emojis before sending one last message assuring everyone he didn't actually wanna talk to any of their stupid faces. Nice to know that even in Hanamiya's most darkest times he would still pull through and go all tsundere on everyone even with no one around to witness it. Satan bless.

 

"Anyways~ what's up with you dude? Not that I care or anything I'm just bored la maow." Hanamiya said with his trademark Tsundere-ness. (See above.)

 

Kasamatsu shrugged lazily and flopped back into his mountain of pillows.

 

"Was sleeping before you called." He grunted and Hanamiya snickered.

 

"Did I wake up wittle socky senpai from his beauty sleep?"

 

"Bitch I'm 'boutta strangle you with your long ass greasy hair if you keep talking to me like that."

 

Hanamiya faked a moan.

 

"Oh yes Kasa! Fucking kink shame me! I love it!"

 

Kasamatsu rolled his eyes and was about to snap back with a witty retort when he heard loud knocking on their front door. He idly wondered if Moriyama had locked Kobori out of the dorm for calling Izuki a 'boring cutie with no booty'  again.

 

"I need to go dude." Kasamatsu sighed and moved from the cozy sanctuary of his bed to pick up his phone. "Have fun...doing whatever Hanamiya's do when they're suspended."

 

Hanamiya laughed some more sounding eerily delightful.

 

"It's time for some me time. Gonna put on some sexy lingerie, maybe take a nice shit, read some trashy magazines, HELL maybe I'll even shave my legs! Damn isn't that a stellar game plan right there?"

 

"Very stellar." Kasamatsu couldn't keep the smile off his face. "Goodbye Hanamiya."

 

"Bye my favourite fuck fuck~"

 

Kasamatsu felt strangely honoured as he closed his phone and emerged to his bedroom, smelling greasy fast food. Combine that with the sounds of very familiar voices yelling and that surely couldn't be good.

 

He crept down the hallway and walked into the general living room and tried not to blush as everyone quieted down and looked at him. (Of more specifically, looked at his exposed torso.)  (c'mon these people had seen him practically naked! not having a shirt on was nothing!)

 

Kasamatsu smiled awkwardly at Nakamura (who was holding the enormous bag of food), at Kobori (who was holding Nakamura's free hand), to Moriyama (who still looked shaken up from his encounter with Hanamiya), to Hayakawa (who was sitting on their fucking dining table for some odd reason), and to Kise (who looked impossibly beautiful with his face void of makeup, looking comfortable in a Kaijo sweater that looked suspiciously familiar and a pair of yoga pants.)

 

Kasamatsu opened his mouth, prepared to say something incredibly witty and clever, the perfect mix of sarcastic yet endearing but all that came out was;

 

"Why the fuck are none of you assholes in school today?"

 

_Tuesday September 20th_

 

_6: 21 pm_

 

Kuroko: hello everyone

 

PunPrince: HEYYYYY K BAG WHAT UP

 

Kuroko: hello nothing is up

 

FuriKou: HI KUROKO OMG IS SOMETHING WRONG u almost never message us first!

 

Kuroko: i was just bored

 

BlackWidHoe: fucking preach it today was so lame

 

BlackWidHoe: you can only masturbate so much until it starts feeling like ur rubbing sandpaper instead of ur vagina

 

BlackWidHoe: its not fucking fun to explain to your mom why ur looking up ‘moisturizers for your poon’ online

 

Taco: hanameme has such an eventful life im lowkey jelly

 

Kuroko: i would rather have an uneventful safe life then have a dangerous eventful life full of sandpaper vaginas and poon moisturizers

 

BlackWidHoe: pussy lmao

 

Kuroko: at least im a moisturized pussy while youre still dry as fuck

 

PunPrince: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

 

BlackWidHoe: thats it HOW DO I KILL A GHOST IM ASKING FOR A FRIEND FUCK OFF

 

Kuroko: ghosts cant be killed but relationships can be if you dont tend to them, much like flowers or lizards your parents buy you in the second grade

 

PunPrince: darn okay kuroko it aint motivational monday its fucking take a chill pill tuesday calm down!!!

 

Taco: someones full of some salty edge whats up pae!!!

 

PunPrince: Lickitung shit all over my math hw im pissed!

 

FuriKou: what the fuck

 

FuriKou: isnt that a pokemon? Senpai are u taking drugs again?!?!?!?!

 

Taco: ‘again’

 

BlackWidHoe: u actually do hw lmao LOSER

 

PunPrince: 1) furi dont curse u r but a smol

 

PunPrince: 2) i have a smol weiner dawg her name is lickitung because when we adopted her she claimed me as her owner by licking my ankles i felt so blessed

 

PunPrince: 3) no drugs for this boi im clean as a whistle say no to drugs kids say yes to pugs tho

 

PunPrince: 4) nowadays only the kool katz do hw so jokes on u u poopy spooder!

 

PandaPrincess: speaking of drugs lmao yall should be glad u dont go to a catholic school because theres some fucking wild shit that goes down there

 

BlackWidHoe: ooh i fucking love wild shit tell me more

 

PunPrince: i hate wild shit!!! Especially the shit all over my hw ughhhhhhh

 

PunPrince: welp the answers were probably wrong anyways lol imma go ask junpei baby for dem sweet answers

 

PandaPrincess: okay SO i was just chilling being a cool dude and riding through the halls during lunch on my heelies that i stole from himuro when i rolled into the bathroom and witnessed a fucking drug deal go down

 

PandaPrincess: the guy with the sick ass anime boi white hair was all like “dude gimme the money i swear this pill will make u see jesus christ himself”

 

PandaPrincess: and the black haired boi who looked like his fucking boyfriend in some tragic ass yaoi anime was all like “ bro gimme it” and handed him the money

 

PandaPrincess: and white haired boi fuckin took the money like a savage and punched black haired boi in the face and chicken ran thE FUCK AWAY

 

PandaPrincess: and before i rolled tf outta there i heard black haired boi mutter “i can see it” yosen is wild

 

Kuroko: tag yourself im the white haired boy

 

TheShadyKing: im the black haired boy lol i would die to be punched by kuroko tho~

 

Kuroko: and i wish it rained vanilla milkshakes but i guess neither of us are getting our wishes are we?

 

PunPrince: KUROKOS KILL COUNT- 4 AND A HALF

 

Taco: a half?

 

PunPrince: he accidentally roasted furi and made him cry and then felt bad and took the roast back

 

FuriKou: im still emotionally scarred from that experience omg

 

Kuroko: i never mean to cause any pain

 

Kuroko: just suffering

 

BlackWidHoe: THATS THE MOST RELATABLE THING CASPER THE BITCHY GHOST HAS EVER SAID

 

PandaPrincess: u and himuro would make the most edgiest baby

 

PandaPrincess: WAIT

 

PandaPrincess: you and himuro could literally make a baby,,,damn thats a weird thought,,,vaginas man, so fucking weird

 

TheShadyKing: well id prefer mako-chan makes babies with me and me only but if two pretty babes were boutta churn the butter who am i to say no to jerking my willy to it?

 

BlackWidHoe: see this is why u dont fucking date geminis

 

TheShadyKing: rude

 

FuriKou: fukui-san,,,no offense,,,but u dont seem the catholic school kinda guy

 

FuriKou: whyd u even join yosen?

 

PandaPrincess: because i really fucking loved the plaid pants duh

 

FuriKou: ...of course..i dont know what i expected actually omg

 

TheShadyKing: ooh are we talking about teams? I love this convenient semi plot related conversation topic!

 

BlackWidHoe: can we like not do this please

 

Taco: well if hanameme doesnt wanna talk about it then fuck yeah we gonna talk about it!

 

TheShadyKing: babydoll…

 

BlackWidHoe: no

 

TheShadyKing: my sweet lil spooder princess

 

BlackWidHoe: nO

 

TheShadyKing: mako-chan~

 

TheShadyKing: ya shouldve come to touou

 

BlackWidHoe: NO!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!! I FUCKING LIKE MY ASSHOLE TEAM THANK U V MUCH!!!

 

FuriKou: i also like my team even tho theyre not butt holes!

 

PunPrince: idk hyuugas lowkey a butthole to me

 

Taco: maybe das why u like him pae

 

Taco: cuz u got a thing for buttholes

 

PunPrince: ...IM IN LOVE WITH A BUTTHOLE ARENT I,,,

 

FuriKou: senpai you are also kinda a butthole so its a rlly good relationship imo!!!

 

PunPrince: im glad i have ur blessing son <3

 

PunPrince: anyways wheres akashi i found this sick ass joke about gingers i wanna ruin his life with it

 

PunPrince: if hes going to date one of my sons he needs to learn

 

Kuroko: i tried to call him and ask about our monthly gom meeting bue he wouldnt pick up i hope hes not dead yet i havent scammed my way into his will yet

 

FuriKou: omg kuroko dont say that! Seis just at his student council meeting! He mightve handed off his title of rakuzan’s captain to reo but hes still the studen council president!

 

Taco: okay akashiwikipedia good to know u have tabs on ur boyfriend every second of the day

 

Taco: relatable actually i can sense with my carrot senses that shin chan is doing is daily pregnant yoga to keep his body in peak condition

 

Kuroko: why the fuck is midorima kun doing pregnant yoga is hes not carrying a fucking baby in his non existent womb?

 

Taco: DONT KINK SHAME MY MAN FOR DOING PREGNANT YOGA KUROKO FUCK YOU AT LEAST IM NOT THE ONE WHO LIKES IT WHEN MY DOG PEES ON MY MAN

 

Kuroko: …

 

Kuroko: i need to go..not because of takaos mediocre roast but because i can literally feel riko senpai’s chilli violently coming out of me...and i have no idea which hole its coming out of

 

Kuroko: ill inform u all soon enough tho

 

PunPrince: lmao is that why ur fucking up ur grammar today?

 

Kuroko: im a different person than i was before this chilli and i will be a different person after this chilli has violently exited my body

 

Kuroko: if i die tell kagami-kun hes not allowed to fall in love with anyone else

 

Kuroko: if he does im not having ghost sex with him

 

BlackWidHoe: why tf is kuroko being so relatable today lmao

 

PunPrince: HANAMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck u want hoe ill piss all over ur man if u fuck with me i made ur other man cry today dont fucking try and start shit with me

 

PunPrince: o.O

 

TheShadyKing: ya know how the snickers slogan is ‘youre not you when youre hungry’? Well makotos slogan is ‘hes not himself when his poon is dryer than the sahara desert’

 

TheShadyKing: come to me baby ill hydrate that poon with some sweet sweet h2hizzle and make it moist again ;)

 

PandaPrincess: i leave for five minutes and this fucking shit happens im fucking leaving

 

PandaPrincess: _*rolls away with my heelies leaving you bitches in my dust*_

 

PunPrince: to quote shakespheare act X: “wear heelies to escape your feelies”

 

PunPrince: o heck fukui went offline!!!! He just doesnt appreciate shakespheare!!! What an uncultured hoe!

 

PunPrince: hanameme??? Imayoshi??? Where u at???? Gimme that attention yall!!!

TheShadyKing: sorry i was yelling at mayonaise he ate my fucking pizza that i put in the fridge with the olives on it fucking re arranged to spell out my initials

 

TheShadyKing: im trying to get revenge on him in the worst way

 

TheShadyKing: i think im gonna go all akashit on his ass and fuckin stab him and his anime body pillow of his god damned waifu

 

Taco: damn okay everyones so salty today yas im living for this mcspicy drama but for real dont fuck with mayonaise imayoshit reo will shove a blow dryer up ur asshole and turn it on and kill u in the worst way possible!!!

 

TheShadyKing: ya know that doesnt sound so bad actually,,,

 

FuriKou: IMAYOSHI SAN NO

 

Taco: do it for the vine boi

 

TheShadyKing: IMAYOSHI YES

 

Taco: rip in pieces imayoshits booty hole!!!

 

PunPrince: can i come to imayoshis boothole’s funeral lol

 

PunPrince: hahaha anyways hanameme i heard from a reliable source that u ruined a fuck boys life with a tampon

 

BlackWidHoe: lol fuck yeah i did

 

BlackWidHoe: who told ur flat ass?

 

PunPrince: KASA TOLD MY BEAUTIFULLY PLUMP ASS HECK U

 

PunPrince: would u say..what u did was…

 

BlackWidHoe: HOE DONT DO IT

 

PunPrince: MENSTRUALLY DISTURBING?!?!?!?!!?

 

BlackWidHoe: oh,,,my f ucKing God,,,

 

“So run that by me again?”

 

Kise playfully stole one of Kasamatsu’s fries and shoved them in his mouth sloppily before answering.

 

“Nakamura-chhi hasn’t approved of any new members yet! He’s trying to pick the best members but it’s so hard to find replacements that are as good as you guys were!” Kise wailed and leaned against Kasamatsu, the hand on Kasamatsu’s knee felt like it was going to burn an imprint into it, but like...in a really good and really gay way.

 

“Why can’t he just pick the people with the most potential and build them up from there?” Kasamatsu growled and ran a hand through his hair haphazardly. “Maybe I made a mistake choosing him as captain…”

 

“No!” Kise cried out looking determined. “Don’t say that Yukio-chhi!!!! Just give Nakamura-chhi a chance I promise I’ll talk to him and it’ll all be okay!”

 

Kasamatsu leaned back on the couch and popped a fry into his mouth, looking at the fierce looking blond with a tender smile.

 

Kise’s visits were always fun, especially when the blond brought food and the rest of their friends. Especially food because while Kasamatsu had tried his hardest not to fulfill the stereotype of a starving college kid, by the end of his first week on campus he had only a bottle of salsa in his cupboard. So he had sent Moriyama to go get some proper food while he was chatting with his point guard friends and Moriyama didn’t come back until the next fucking day because he had ran into Izuki on his way to the grocery store and ended up being invited to Izuki’s house for a sleepover.

 

Which had been fucking fine and dandy for Moriyama but Kasamatsu and Kobori had stayed back at the dorm starving their asses off.

 

So whenever they could get food without having to leave the building, it was a major blessing.

 

“So, what’s up with you Yukio-chhi-”

 

“If I tell you a secret will you tell me one too?” Kasamatsu blurted out and Kise looked up at him with a surprised look in his eyes before he grinned.

 

“Yukio-chhi sounds like a girl from a romance movie!” He teased and Kasamatsu lightly slapped the back of Kise’s head. “Of course I’ll tell you a secret though! I love secrets!”

 

Kise leaned forward so his lips were pressed against the lobe of Kasamatsu’s ear. Kasamatsu tried not to shudder. Kise was so close, Kasamatsu could smell his fruity shampoo that the blond had always left in the locker room showers.

 

“You see these sweat pants? They’re actually yours!” Kise giggled gleefully. “I accidentally took them the last time I was here but they’re so comfy I couldn’t help but keep them!”

 

“Fuck you.” Kasamatsu laughed, feeling strangely light hearted about this, not being as mad about this as he probably should’ve. “You can keep them, they’re probably all stretched out because of your long ass legs.”

 

Kise grinned as he obnoxiously flaunted his perfect model like legs.

 

“Yukio’s just jealous!” He sang as he munched on another fry. Kise looked like he was steadily making his way through the bag of fries Nakamura had left on the table before he and Kobori had snuck off to do the horizontal dance without pants. Moriyama and Hayakawa were already hiding in Kobori’s room, ready to scare the shit out of the poor young couple who just wanted to bump the ugly in peace.

 

“So! Tell me a juicy secret Yukio-chhi! And it has to be about you! I love your point guard friends but I wanna hear about you!”

 

When Kise said that Kasamatsu’s heart fucking got all fluttery and shit. He idly hoped that it was heartburn from consuming three cheeseburgers over the course of an hour, he would’ve preferred that over it being...love.

 

“Um...I think...I might be...asexual…” Kasamatsu muttered, feeling awkward as his secret was much more serious than Kise’s.

 

“Hmmm? Asexual? ...oh like Midorima-chhi!!!! That’s...hahaha I think I saw this one coming!”

 

Kasamatsu’s eyes widened as he looked down at the blond who had moved on from merely touching Kasamatsu’s knee to squeezing it with a reassuring smile.

 

“You did???”

 

“You were a mess after every health class you went to.” Kise pointed out with a twinkle in his eyes and Kasamatsu tried to look annoyed but just the mere thought of all those genitals in the text books and the crude comments and the paranoia that the teacher was going to show them porn in class had him sweating up a storm.

 

“S-shut up! It’s just that...don’t you find it weird or something maybe?”

 

Kise rolled his eyes and curled up in Kasamatsu’s arms in a way that was definitely not platonic!!! Kasamatsu awkwardly placed his hands on Kise’s pretty blond head.

 

“Don’t be dumb Yukio-chhi!” Kise hummed into Kasamatsu’s torso (HIS!!! BARE!!! TORSO!!!) and nuzzled it gently. “If we’re on the topic of what’s weird and not, maybe we should talk about the plot holes in this story?”

 

Let’s fucking not bitch.


	20. in which everyone is too relatable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furi: *is relatable*
> 
> Hanamiya: *is terrible and relatable*
> 
> Izuki: *is out of character but tbh what is in character at this point?*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY I DIDNT UPDATE LAST WEEK BUT I HOPE U GUYS HAVENT COMPLETELY ABANDONED THIS FIC AND CHECK THIS UPDATE OUT!!! this is actually part one of reos epic bday saga so this is set last week on reos actual bday~ part 2 will come next sunday like usual and will be longer/have more akafuri/more texts which i know yall just love! so yeah! leave a comment or a kudos if u want more relatable furi,,,or dont i mean furis gonna be relatable either way lmao

Hanamiya glared at the magnificent entry door standing between him and some wicked ass food.

 

The magnificent entry door glared back at the demi spooder princess.

 

“This town isn’t big enough for the both of us you dumb bi-”

 

“Mako-chan you’ve only been here for a minute! You can’t fight with my door yet! You should probably wait until you’ve been here for hours and you’re drunk and it’s dark outside and the neighbours can’t see you trying to kill my door!”

 

Hanamiya switched his glare from the door to the person holding the door open. Fucking Reo. Door shaming him. Hanamiya would’ve straight up shanked the bitch with those windchimes hanging over their heads but alas it was Reo’s birthday and Hanamiya’s mother had taught him three valuable lessons in life.

 

  1. Don’t close ya damn door when ya got a boy over in the house!!!
  2. Don’t bring home no baby unless you plannin’ on caring for dat baby!!!
  3. Don’t you dare shank a bitch on their birthday!!!



 

Hanamom was truly an iconic woman. She, alongside that cat that sometimes joined Hanamiya on his walks to school, were truly the only rode models that Hanamiya ever needed.

 

The shorter boy obnoxiously stuck out his tongue at Reo and then remembered he did have the smallest bit of manners inside of him and handed Reo a small box with a rose taped to it.

 

“Happy birthday you...you fucking beautiful fuck! I couldn’t find a bow.” Hanamiya explained with a cocky smirk. “Hara gave me that shitty flower la-maow. He was trying to apologize for being a tiddy peeker but I wasn’t having that shit! So I took the flower and slammed the door on his crusty ass face!!! That’ll teach him not to be a gross lil boy! He needs to learn! I don’t date boys, I date men!”

 

Reo looked from Hanamiya who looked quite confident in his statement to Imayoshi who had gotten his foot stuck in one of the flower pots lining the porch on his way to the door.

 

“Well sweetie you might wanna reconsider your definition of a man because-”

 

“Mako-chan I think I’m actually fucking stuck…”

 

“Good la-maow I was planning on ditching him on the way here but he’s like fucking gum on your shoe!!! It never goes away! I deadass pushed him into an open manhole and he’s still fucking here. He’s like a damn cockroach! Those things can live through the fucking apocalypse and like nuclear bombs and shit right?”

 

Imayoshi paused in his weak attempts at trying to pull himself free from the unforgiving cold and moist embrace of Reo’s petunias to raise his hand and smirk at Reo which pretty much did the opposite of arouse him.

 

“Technically cockroaches can can only live throughout the bombs itself but it’s the radiation that kills them at the end of the day! Hehehehe...cock.”

 

Reo tried to wrinkle his nose and aggressively roll his eyes at the same time. He ended up hurting himself so he stopped. Anyways, he really didn’t wanna discuss cockroaches with his strange maybe friends, even stranger boyfriend.

 

“Fascinating…”

 

Hanamiya didn’t even bother trying to hide his annoyance. 

 

“Fuck off Shoi, tell that to the fucking tulips instead!!!”

 

Reo looked extremely offended and raised a hand to keep Hanamiya from ripping the flower pot from his boyfriend’s foot and bashing it over his head repeatedly.

 

“First of all, those are petunias! Second of all, just come inside before you hurt my babies even more. Imayoshi-san...just stay there, I’ll go get some pliers and cut you out.”

 

“He calls his fucking flowers his babies???” Hanamiya snorted at the same time Imayoshi let out a worried noise.

 

“Um...he means he’s going to cut the pot off my foot right? He’s not going to cut my foot off? Right?!?!?!”

 

Hanmiya giggled like the sinister little witch he was and followed Reo inside the house, leaving his boyfriend behind to chat up the petunias.

* * *

 

Fifteen minutes later, Hanamiya and Imayoshi  (now petunia free but thankfully still had both his feet intact) were chilling on Reo’s cute ass love seat, making out like there was no tomorrow. 

 

Reo had been trying to get their attention for like a solid five minutes but then seemed that tearing those two apart would be even harder than trying to tear Nebuya away from those delicious fried noodles in those weirdly appealing looking cartons that were currently sitting on Reo’s dining table, and no matter how many times Reo stationed Hayama or Akashi as a guard in front of the table, Nebuya still found a way to chow down an entire carton worth of food. Fucking food whore.

 

“Um...guys? It’s called a love seat, I know but, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY MAKE LOVE ON THE COUCH PLEASE TAKE YOUR TONGUE OUT OF HIS MOUTH RIGHT NOW BEFORE I-”

 

Reo quieted down as he felt Akashi hug him from behind, stroking his face and murmuring sweet nothings into his ear.

 

“Calm down Reo, you have that new highlighter upstairs you want to try right? Go put that on your beautiful face and come back, I’ll handle this, just relax~”

 

Reo whimpered a little, nearly drooling as he remembered the self empowering highlighter shaped like a vagina Hayama had bought him, thanked Akashi with a kiss to his pretty symmetrical face and dashed upstairs like a gazelle that had just spotted one big ass lion hunting their gazelle ass.

 

...I’ll stop with the borderline sexual animal metaphors.

 

“Hello.” Akashi said pleasantly to the horny couple occupying his vision. “What is up?”

 

They kept making out, IN FACT THE HORNINESS SEEMED TO MULTIPLY. Hanamiya climbed on top of Imayoshi, squishing the gift that had been sitting on Imayoshi’s lap. Akashi hoped whatever was in that box wasn’t alive like Mayuzumi’s present had been.

 

“I see. Your penis is up Imayoshi.”

 

Hanamiya stopped his sexy tongue dance to snort which grossed Imayoshi out to the extreme. 

 

“Don’t ya have any manners?!?!?!  You just got ya snot all over me!!!”

 

“Don’t snot shame me.” Hanamiya snapped and pulled away from Imayoshi and approach Akashi. In Akashi’s humble opinion the demi spooder princess looked quite cute. He had really made an effort to look nice with what looked like a dead rat on his head, secured with a black scrunchie..no wait...that was his trashy bun LMAO, anyways,  and some sweet ass smudged shadow on his eyes. He was decked out in his usual uniform of a mildly threatening graphic t shirt and ripped skinny jeans.

 

Today’s shirt said: I play basketball because murder is frowned upon. Damn Hanameme was just too relatable.

 

“Where da good shit at?”

 

Akashi blinked rapidly, trying to remember that pamphlet Nijimura had given him back in highschool about what to do if someone asked for/offered you drugs. He vaguely remembered to be assertive so he held up a hand in front of Akashi and tried to morph his facial features into something stern.

 

“No. I am not going to do any recreational drugs with you.”

 

Hanamiya exchanged a glance with Imayoshi, both of them very quiet before they startled the shit out of Akashi by suddenly bursting into peals of laughter.

 

“RECREATIONAL DRUGS!” Imayoshi hollered as he clutched his stomach, rolling around and completely destroying the gift underneath him.

 

“This bitch is crazy! The hell? I BET HE’S ON FUCKING DRUGS HIMSELF LA MAOW!”

 

“He’s high on that chihuahua~” 

 

Akashi totally wasn’t blushing. And if he was it was an angry blush! A manly flush of the cheeks.

 

“Don’t bring up Kouki-”

 

“Shut up lawl.” Hanamiya cut Akashi off effortlessly. If Akashi’s other self was here!!! Boi!!! Hanamiya would be dead!!! So dead!!!

 

(Please don’t make fun of Oreshi’s boring insults! It’s his biggest weakness. He’s gone through every book in the library to help him with it, from ‘Your Mom Jokes: For Dummies’ to ‘HEY! FUCK YOU! And other witty insults sure to help you win any smackdown’.)

 

“Where’s the good shit?” Hanamiya asked again, him and Imayoshi obviously trying to stifle their laughter. “That coconut body scrub that Reo fucking imports from France? Where is at? I can’t be a bad bitch if I don’t exfoliate.”

 

Akashi was so stunned from being interrupted, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE, that he merely gestured to the bathroom down the hall.

 

“It’s occuipied by Chihiro though-”

 

“It’s not like I haven’t seen his peen yet la-maow.” Hanamiya said before setting off on his quest to exfoliate. “Plus it was like a cute dick..I dunno...it was fucking cute okay? I’m not mad about seeing that cute dick again at all.”

 

Imayoshi looked offended.

 

“What about my fishing rod-”

 

“Yo dick look like the shrimp that Hara vomited during yesterday’s practice lamaow!”

 

Akashi quickly whipped his handy dandy insult notebook out and quickly jotted that one down. (minus the lamaow of course) Ever since he had joined the point guard skype chat, his insult notebook was filling up faster than it ever had before.

 

Imayoshi made a face.

 

“At least my poon don’t look like chewed up gum ya know!”

 

Hanamiya casually threw his shoe at his boyfriend, called out a tasteful “fuck you” over his shoulder before disappearing down the hallway. 

 

Akashi put his notebook away and looked at Imayoshi.

 

Imayoshi wiggled his eyebrows, spread his sweat pant clothed legs and smirked at Akashi.

 

“So...you come here often?”

 

Akashi’s face twisted up in disgust so hard he looked like he had either walked in on his parents doing the horizontal dance with no pants or he had been verbally violated by the devil.

 

“No...just...no.”

* * *

 

“Izuki-senpai, I love you, you are my second mother after all. But if you don’t shut the fuck up right now I’m boutta back hand your tiny ass outta this car.”

 

Is what Furihata WOULD’VE said if he had a death wish. Because while Izuki was relatively small and not very threatening usually but he had been growing out his nails for this very party because he was sure that Hanamiya was gonna try and pull something and Furihata liked both his eyeballs and didn’t want either of them to end skewered on Izuki’s fingernails. Maybe Akashi’s...NO THAT WAS HANAMIYA LEVELS OF KINKY.

 

Furihata must’ve been quivering pretty bad because it caused Izuki to shut up about his mildly interesting story about tricking Hyuuga into submitting a test with the name ‘Hyugay JunPenis’ on it. Even Kiyoshi seemed to sense the vibrations happening in the backseat and turned around to smile a fatherly smile at Furihata.

 

“Hey, are you okay?”

 

Even Furihata’s brother turned around from in the drivers seat to check up on his little brother whICH JUST STRESSED HIM OUT EVEN MORE TADASHI PLS LOOK AT THE ROAD NOT ME OH MY GOD WE’RE GONNA DIE.

 

“I’M OKAY PLEASE KEEP LOOKING AT THE ROAD ALSO DON’T FORGET HANDS AT TWO AND TEN THANKS VERY MUCH!”

 

Kiyoshi’s smile went from warm to amused and he shrugged before turning back around and continuing his friendly chat with Furihata’s brother about manly things like cars and asses and video games and iPhones but only the matte black one because the rose gold wasn’t manly enough! #truth

 

“So Furi! You excited for Reo’s lit as hell party?” Izuki didn’t look like he was going to a ‘lit as hell’ party in his cute nerdy plaid shirt with a blazer over it. It screamed library bitch that always stole your favorite computer or barista at Starbucks that purposely spelled your name wrong all the damn time no matter how much you corrected them.

 

“Um...I guess?” Furihata clutched his present tighter. When they had pulled into Izuki’s driveway to pick him up Furihata had nearly passed out from relief when he saw Izuki holding a gift bag as well. Furihata had been stressing for legit weeks over what to get Reo, if he had to bring a gift at all even because highschoolers were a completely different species from middle schoolers so Furihata had been more lost than Kagami at that tea party Riko had insisted on holding at her place last week. 

 

(“Is this spoon for your sugar or your tea?!?!?!”

 

“Taiga-kun that’s a fucking knife.”)

 

“Your boy toy’s gonna be there!!!” Izuki sang and of fucking course Furihata’s brother just had to turn around again. That bitch was always deaf when Furihata was screaming for him when a spooder (not Hanamiya) was in the house but now he just had to have the hearing of a fucking owl. 

 

“My itty bitty Kouki has a boy toy??? Who is it??? I need to know so I can kick their ass. Are they rich? They better be rich so when he dies we can mourn in luxury y’know-”

 

Kiyoshi’s daddy like chuckle cut the older guy off. 

 

“It’s Akashi isn’t it?”

 

Izuki squealed happily like a pig in labour (sorry one more inappropriate animal reference I just had to) and grabbed Kiyoshi’s hand, looking at him with such a tender loving gaze you’d think that Kiyoshi had just proposed to Izuki instead of just completely EXPOSING FURIHATA WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?.

 

“It is!!! How’d you know babe?”

 

“Um, Koganei showed me Furi’s profile on Intagram like a couple days ago and he showed me how to see his likes and-”

 

Furihata tuned the rest of the sentence out, face reddening as he realized the horrifying truth. His likes were full of Akashi, from the stealth pictures of the adorable redhead that Hayama took, to the impromptu modelling shoots Reo and Akashi often did and last but certainly not least, those glorious pictures that Nebuya occasionally posted of him and Akashi hitting up the gym. Furihata had never felt more alive. 

 

Oh also there were alot of puppers in his likes but he was sure no one but him cared about that.

 

“Oooooooh Furi has a crush on Akashit! Furi and Akashit sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G! First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes a scientifically impossible baby in a carriage!”

 

Without thinking, Furihata unbuckled his seat belt, grabbed his present and forced the car door open, oblivious to the fact that the car was still moving. The only thing on his mind was to escape from this conversation, and maybe even, escape from his true gay ass feelings.

 

“FURI BOI WHAT YOU DOIN’ GET BACK IN HERE YOU GON’ GET BUSTED BY A CAR DUDE WHAT?”

 

Furihata kept running, quite used to blocking out the sound of Izuki’s voice.

 

“I’LL UH MEET YOU AT THE PARTY!!! DON’T WORRY I’LL BE FINE! JUST A LITTLE EXTRA PRACTICE Y’KNOW?”

 

Izuki sniffled and closed the door of the car looking quite upset. Furihata’s brother was still in shock that his brother just dead ass ran away that he was just sitting there, hands tightly clutching the steering wheel DEFINITELY NOT POSITIONED AT TEN AND TWO. Smh Furihata would be safer in the wilderness than in that car with his brothers crusty driving skills.

 

Kiyoshi soothingly stroked Izuki’s face, ruffling his hair in an attempt to cheer him up.

 

“Don’t cry babe~ I’m sure Furi will be okay out there! He’s a big kid!”

 

Izuki sniffled louder and shook his head.

 

“It’s not that...it’s just...I was the last person to touch him!” Izuki wailed and buried his head in his hands. “IF HE ENDS UP DEAD THE POLICE ARE GONNA END UP THINKING IT WAS ME! How am I supposed to get dicked down by you if I’m in prison!!! I haven’t even finished Orange Is the New Black yet!!! How would I ever survive in there?”

 

Izuki’s priorities were truly as straight as HyuuGay JunPenis.

  
  
  



	21. birthday party chapter 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this might be the messiest chapter of all time :D i love messy chapters tho and i know yall do too!!!

“Where. Is. Kouki.”

 

“Damn Akashit it’s good to see you too.”

 

Furihata’s brother honked twice (he honked the horn just to be clear. He was not Izuki he did not just honk to people with his mouth as a farewell) and drove of, leaving Kiyoshi and Izuki alone to deal with a very unimpressed Akashi.

 

Kiyoshi pulled Izuki behind him, trying to keep Izuki from running that sassy mouth of his and putting them in even more danger then they already were.

 

“You see, hahaha, it’s a funny story...it all started when-”

 

“Furi be dead lawl!!!”

 

The look on Akashi’s face was priceless. He staggered backwards and covered his mouth, eyes bugging outta his head as he stared at Izuki.

 

“He…”

 

“Be dead.” Izuki said again. “I bet a clown got him.”

 

Kiyoshi sighed and pulled Izuki behind him for the second time and smiled down at Akashi, soothing the frazzled red head with his daddy like smile.

 

“Shun is a prankster! He’s just kidding! Right babe?”

 

“It’s just a prank bro.” Izuki said giggling. “Just a prank.”

 

“So Kouki’s...not dead?” Akashi asked slowly looking, bless his sweet ginger heart, so fucking concerned for his (maybe boy)friend.

 

“Of course he’s not...but…”

 

A gust of wind had both Izuki and Akashi shivering. Kiyoshi was immune to the cold thanks to his windbreaker and shot both of them concerned looks. He ushered them inside the cozy front hall of Reo’s Tokyo home and closed the door behind them, squatting down to unlace his boots. He had to smile as Izuki flopped down onto the ottoman next to the coat closet and began to swing his legs back and forth, waiting for Kiyoshi to take his shoes off like the gentleman he was.

 

Akashi crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for the corny couple do be don with their even cornier rituals so he could interrogate them further.

 

“Hey Akashit do you have something I can use to break open the fucking bathroom lock, Mayonnaise won’t let me in-ew what the fuck are y’all doing here?!?!”

 

Akashi’s smile seemed incredibly forced as he looked at the pissed off spooder.

 

“I think Reo has some bobby pins in his bag, I’ll go get some. Kouki better be back by the time I’m back...or else. You all...are going to catch these hands!”

 

Hanamiya tried to cover his laugh with a cough.

 

“You’ll get there eventually dude.”

 

Kiyoshi neatly aligned his shoes next to Reo’s flats and Hanamiya’s boots that seemed to add a good five or six inches to his height. Your #mcm has a dick smaller than Hanameme’s boots, boi!!!

 

The brunet helped Izuki slip off his shoes and tossed them next to his own shoes before grabbing his hand and helping him up.

 

“It’s good to see you too Makoto. Reo invited me and SHun’s my plus one so-”

 

“THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CALL ME THAT IS MY MOM AND SHOI SOMETIMES WHEN HE’S ONLY BEING LIKE 83% CUNTY FUCK OFF YA HOE BAG!”

 

“Babe please stop yelling it’s hurting my ears.” Imayoshi called from the living room and the faint sound of Nebuya and Hayama laughing could be heard. “Ya gonna make me cry!”

 

“I’ll give you something to cry about.” Hanamiya growled and stalked off to probably beat Imayoshi to death with that dead rat on his head. Sweaty please, you’re not fooling anyone with that ‘messy’ bun that legit took you an hour to do.

 

Kiyoshi restrained an eye roll and he and a very merry Izuki made their way to the living room where the  squad of the day was chilling in front of the electronic fireplace. Hayama was lazing on the carpet, soaking up the last bits of sunshine as he rolled around all feline like. Nebuya was closing the windows, probably because Hanamiya had snapped at him to do so and then flashed some sweet nip to convince him to do work, and turned and grinned at the couple entering.

 

Imayoshi looked pretty happy for a dude that had gotten punched (judging from the knuckle indents on his face, unless Hanamiya made some pretty weird hickies) as he was grinning ear to ear. Maybe it was because he had a violence kink and loved to have the shit beat outta him by a spooder! Or maybe because his two favorite people had just walked in!!!

“Teppei! My dude! Shun!!! My side chick!!!”

 

“Your side what.” Izuki said blankly and Hayama snickered. “Wait does that make Hanameme your main chick because damn do you have bad taste in chicks…”

 

“You’re no ones side chick.” Kiyoshi reassured Izuki who beamed up at his tol boyfriend. 

 

“Thanks babe!” Izuki chirped and pressed a gentle kiss to Kiyoshi’s stubble covered cheeks and went to sit next to Hayama, pulling out his phone to show the cat like boy the dankest memes there were.

 

“No problem. Shouichi apologize to him.”

 

Imayoshi groaned and slid down the couch looking quite annoyed that his side chicks daddy like boyfriend had cock blocked him but he didn’t seem to put out because he managed a smirk and a semi heart felt apology. Izuki ignored him and showed Hayama a video of Lickitung. He had trained his precious dog to respond to memes so whenever Izuki yelled; “IT’S DAT BOI!!!” Lickitung would come running and Izuki would joyfully shout “O SHIT WADDUP!”

 

There was truly no relationship purer than one between man and his most joyous companion. Speaking of man and his most joyous companion…

 

_ 4: 50 pm _

 

_ September 23rd _

 

Kuroko: Me and Nigou are going on a date without you.

 

Slut4Bread: NO FUCK SORRY I DIDNT PICK UP EARLIER TETSUYA I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH ALEX!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Kuroko: Go on the picnic with Alex. See if I care. 

 

Kuroko: I’m sure you won’t even need a picnic basket, you can just store all that you need in her big breast holder.

 

Slut4Bread: lol u mean her bra?

 

Kuroko: Whatever. I am going to Netflix and Chill with Nigou all night. ON YOUR ACCOUNT. I even have doggy friendly popcorn with me. See if I care.

 

*Kuroko sent a photo*

 

Slut4Bread: did that fuckgin dog take me damn place on ur couch

 

Slut4Bread: im fiting it

 

Kuroko: You will not ‘fite’ my dog or I will choke you with the sandwhich I made especially for our picnic we were supposed to have today. 

 

Slut4Bread: You made a sandwich for me ??? Bro...im touched

 

Kuroko: Well, I was tired of you always making me food so I decided to change it up this time…

 

Slut4Bread: thats so sweet oh damn…

 

Slut4Bread: im sorry for ignoring ur messages babe!!! I promise itll never happen again!!!

 

Kuroko: ...I forgive you.

 

Kuroko: Nigou actually fell asleep...my parents aren’t home...would you like me to go to the bathroom? We can call and you can show me just how sorry you really are…

 

Slut4Bread: hahaha is that so?

 

Kuroko: It is indeed.

 

Kuroko: I am headed to the bathroom.

 

Kuroko: I am in the bathroom.

 

Slut4Bread: whatre u wearing babe?

 

Kuroko: Oh so we’re doing it like that?

 

Kuroko: Well I’m wearing a pair of shorts and your hoodie. It is quite cold.

 

_ *Kuroko sent a photo* _

 

Slut4Bread: damn you look so sexy baeb oh fuck…

 

Slut4Bread: mhmmm my dick is so hard

 

TiddiesAndMe: TO FIND HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Slut4Bread: WHAT THWE UCKF WHEN WERE U HERE

 

TiddiesAndMe: dont u rememebr we made this chat to talk about or streetball team lmao gay a&& motherfuc ker

 

Kuroko: You better leave right now.

 

TiddiesAndMe: or what hahahaha?

 

Kuroko: I’m telling Sakurai-kun how you pissed yourself during our first overnight trip to the museum back in our first year of junior high because you were scared that the dinosaurs were going to come to life and eat you if you went to the bathroom.

 

Kuroko: I recall a certain someone had to borrow a pair of Momoi-san’s underwear…

 

Slut4Bread: pfffffft thats fucking lame

 

TiddiesAndMe: HEY SHUT UP at least i dont get a damn boner when my boy sends me a photo of him fucking fully clothed with his damn toilet in the background!!!!

 

TiddiesAndMe: tetsu besides u can tell ryou anything u want were not a thing anymore :/

 

Slut4Bread: did he finally come to his senses and realize he was dating a fuckigin trash can instead of  ahumanBEING!!!!!!!!1

 

Kuroko: Settle down Taiga-kun.

 

Kuroko: I’m sure there’s a logical reason why Aomine-kun and Sakurai-kun have merely taken a break.

 

TiddiesAndMe: no lmao bakagami is right lol ryo caught me photoshopping his head onto some models with giant boobies and he got mad at me and kicked me out

 

TiddiesAndMe: i guess i deserved that lol 

 

TiddiesAndMe: ugh my parents arent even fucking home who am i gonna stay with for the weekend???

 

TiddiesAndMe: if only there were some kind fucking people who were gonna let me stay with them…

 

Slut4Bread: hes talking about us isnt he?

 

Kuroko: Hmmmm I think this could be quite good for the both of you. 

 

Slut4Bread: u wot

 

Kuroko: Kagami-kun if you ever want me to Netflix and Chill with you again then you better allow this pathetic excuse of a human to room with you for a couple days.

 

Slut4Bread: ugh fine anything for you tetsuya

 

Kuroko: <3 This heart is for you.

 

TiddiesAndMe: hey thats no way to be talking to ur old light tetsu!!

 

Kuroko: Eat my entire asshole you shit faced cunt I have no room in my fucking heart for you you better leave this conversation right now or I’ll backhand you off of this fucking planet.

 

TiddiesAndMe: …

 

_ *TiddiesAndMe has left the conversation* _

 

Slut4Bread: ur so fucking hot when ur slaying fuck boys babe

 

Kuroko: Taiga-kun…you make my heart beat so much faster. Like when I watched that movie last month where the dog looked like Nigou...that was such a good movie...

 

Slut4Bread: hahaha babe can i ask u something

 

Slut4Bread: you werent seriously gonna netflix and chill with ur fucking dog right???

 

Kuroko: ...Taiga-kun now is not the time to bring up my furry lifestyle

  
  


Hanamiya marched down the hall to the bathroom, bobby pin in hand, ready to get his hands on that crunchy ass cocunut body scrub.

 

“Mayonaise you better open this fucking door right now.” He hissed and the sound of off key anime openings being sung stopped. 

 

“Who’s there? Hanamiya? Is that you? If it’s you fuck off but if it’s not can you get me a towell-”

 

Mayuzumi was cut off as Hanamiya forced the bobby pin into the doors lock and twisted it sharply. When he heard the click, the boy grinned like a Cheshire cat and swung the door open, stepping inside the absurdly hot and steamy bathroom and pushing aside the shower curtain to reveal Mayuzumi in all his condiment glory. 

 

Now Mayuzumi already held some deep deep hatred for the demi spooder princess because he had pretended to be pregnant for a solid week to get Mayuzumi to do his bidding but he had eventually been busted when he was caught drinking some alcoholic beverages with his 

 

“Hey asshole just give me the- stop fucking screaming it’s just me I just need the-WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING AND GIVE ME THE DAMN SCRUB?”

 

Mayuzumi’s hands shook as he scrambled for the slippery bottle and clumsily handed it to Hanamiya who sighed a big sigh of relief and walked out of the bathroom with the confident swagger of a man who had finally reuinted with his precious. 

 

As Hanamiya rounded the corner he heard some noises that got his spidey senses all tingly and shit. He picked up his pace and soon found himself in Reo’s backyard along with everyone else. 

 

“What the hell is going on-oh my God what’s that noise?”

 

Hayama was running around and doing flips and shit, careful to avoid Reo’s covered pool. Hanamiya glared at the pool. He remembered all those countless pool parties that Reo had hosted back in their middle school days. Well Hanamiya only remembered Reo showing off his slim thick figure in his skimpy suits outside while Hanamiya himself had hid himself inside the house, munching on some snacks and curled up with a good book.

 

Hanamiya was truly unlike everyone else.

 

“I BET IT’S A CLOWN!” Hayama shouted. “HE’S GONNA BREAK INTO THE HOUSE AND RUIN REO-NEE’S BDAY!”

 

Reo looked frustrated as Hayama tried to jump extra high and see over the fence.

 

“Ei-chan stop him before he hurts himself.” Reo ordered and Nebuya obediently ran around the yard, trying in vain to catch Hayama and stop him. Izuki seemed inspired by Hayama to start running around as well, waving his arms around and shouting “CLOWN! CLOWN! CLOWN!” over and over.

 

“C’mon Akashit join us! It’s therapeutic!”

 

Akashi seemed sorely tempted to join the two but cleared his throat and shook his head when he noticed both Kiyoshi and Reo shooting him very stern looks.

 

“I will summon clowns with you two later I promise...I’m going to go call Kouki actually...I wonder what’s taking him so long…” Akashi wondered to himself.

 

Imayoshi slipped behind Hanamiya and tapped him on the shoulder before flexing his muscles for the pissed off raven.

 

“I’ll save you from a clown babe~”

 

Hanamiya jerked away from his boyfriend and hissed at him, smacking him with the cocunut scrub, causing him to yelp.

 

“I don’t need you protecting me.”

 

Imayoshi faked a yawn and did that slick rick trick where he stretched an arm around his boy and pulled Hanamiya close.

 

“That’s a cool story babe but-”

 

“The only cool story that’s gonna happen is when tomorrow, during the 5’o clock news, some perky ass white lady is gonna be telling the rest of the world about how I murdered your dusty ass and hid the body in the dumpster behind a trashy fucking trash can!”

 

“...Was that a pun?”

 

“MAYBE!”

 

There was so much fucking chaos in the yard no one noticed Mayuzumi creep next to Reo with suds still in his hair and a small hand towell covering his family jewels. 

 

“Hey babe.” He said and Reo shrieked and nearly fell into the pool. 

 

“You told me you’d stop doing that!” The birthday boy squealed and clung to Mayuzumi’s moist bare shoulders. “I still live you though.”

 

Akashi gagged as the couple began to kiss deeply and switched his attention to the fence. He could've sworn he could hear something...if he just craned his ear...over the sound of Mayu and Reo sucking face...ignoring the sounds of Izuki and Hayama yelling gleefully and Kiyoshi and Nebuya trying in vain to get them to stop and the almost melodic sound of Imayoshi and Hanamiya not so playfully bickering...he could barely make out…

 

“Everyone shut up.” Akashi whispered and for some reason everyone obeyed him. “Is that...Kouki?”

 

The faint screaming that Akashi heard grew louder and louder and Izuki whooped happily and high fived both Hayama and Kiyoshi.

 

“HE’S ALIVE!!! FUCK YEAH!”

 

“Please don’t have him ruin my new fence..please God you know how much I love this fence.” Reo muttered as they all watched in a mixture of amazement and horror as a hand appeared at the top of the fence, waving desperately before somehow managing to grab hold of the top of the fence and slowly pulling himself over before a frumpy looking brunet collpased on Reo’s perfectly manicured lawn. Akashi rushed towards the quivering boy who was whispering to himself and shaking.

 

“Kouki...Kouki are you okay?!?!?! Talk to me Kouki! Did they lie to me? Did they leave you? They told me you left them but I never believed them!”

 

“Fuck you Akashit.” Izuki said looking upset. “Furi talk to mommy! Are you okay?”

 

“Clown...s-saw a c-clown…”

 

Reo chewed his bottom lip looking incredibly worried as he knelt next to Furihata and touched the boys small calloused hand, running his fingers over the boys knuckles before his eyes landed on the present in the boys hands.

 

“Awww…” Reo whispered as Furihata’s grip on the present slackened and Reo was allowed to take the preset in his own hands and smile softly down at it. “You are too sweet...come inside, I’ll get you a blanket.”

 

Re whipped around and tossed the present to Mayu who debated between exposing his mayonnaise jr to everyone or making Reo happy by catching the present. Since he didn’t want to piss off the birthday boy he dropped his towel for a millisecond and grabbed the present before yanking his towel back up and waddling inside, Reo right behind him, giggling at his boyfriends penguin ass.

 

Kiyoshi helped Furihata up and supported one side of the brunet while the other was supported by Nebuya as no one trusted Akashi and his skinny white ass to help Furihata into the house, Izuki scurrying behind them looking like a worried mother hen.

 

“But...my guns…” Akashi sadly flexed his biceps and Hanamiya shrugged. 

 

“You snooze you lose motherfucker.” Hanamiya laughed and walked back towards the yard, hips swaying seductively. 

 

Imayoshi had this proud smile on his face that screamed “I’M TAPPING THAT LOL!” and quickly settled behind Hanamiya, slipping a hand into the back pocket of Hanamiya’s jeans as they headed inside. 

  
  


Hayama managed to cheer Akashi up by jumping on his back and shrieking in his ear. Well it didn’t work for Akashi but it made Hayama grin so who was Akashi to deny him of the simple pleasures of life like terrorzing your friend to make tem feel better?

 

With a grunt, Akashi hoisted Hayama up higher and very slowly, they followed everyone else inside.

 

As Akashi climbed the steps of the porch he caught sight of Furihata being laid onto Reo’s couch and having a thick wool blanket laid over him. Akashi really hoped that he was going to be okay...

 

_ 8: 59pm _

 

_ Saturday September 23rd _

 

FindingEmo: Atsushi you forgot your boxers on my bed! Peen-chan’s gonna be all cold because he doesn’t have any clothes~

 

PandaPrincess: what the fuck

 

FindingEmo: ...I’ve been exposed and I have much regrets.

 

KingKong: damnit himuro why are you so pretty and weird!!! Will you date me!!! Please date me!!!

 

FindingEmo: Cap you’re cute~ But I’m taken <3

 

PandaPrincess: by peen chan lol 

 

FindingEmo: Shut up senpai at least I don’t fill up my diary with ideas on how to subtly break up with my fuck buddy.

 

PandaPrincess: okay but like,,,how bout u shut ur beautiful face up!

 

KingKong: fukui dudeeeeee -_- you havent broken up with ur weird chinese boyfriend yet?

 

FindingEmo: i can do it for you~ i am a resident heart breaker, i broke up with two of taigas ex girlfriends and one of his ex boyfriends and ill have you know only one of them attacked me

 

KingKong: i couldve protected u :(

 

FindingEmo: what did i tell you about being desperate?

 

KingKong: that i shouldnt be desperate…

 

FindingEmo: and what are you doing rn?

 

KingKong: ...being desperate

 

FindingEmo: hes becoming self aware...good

 

PandaPrincess: yall focuS ON ME!!!  


 

FindingEmo: ***focuses on you***

 

PandaPrincess: ***thanks you***

 

PandaPrincess: what do i do with wei? How do u just tell someone you just wanna keep fucking them but dont wanna date them without sounding rude!!!! Fuck this had as hell!!!! As hard as peen chan!!!

 

FindingEmo: OKAY is it that weird to name your boyfriends penis? It just makes our connection more real fuck you

 

KingKong: send him a personalized email! Make it cute but not too cute yknow

 

FindingEmo: no thats so 2014

 

FindingEmo: send him a snap of ur ass with a heart emoji on it and caption it ‘you can have one but not the other daddy ;)’

 

PandaPrincess: ...this is why people like Kagami more than you

 

While everyone else left Reo’s birthday party mildly traumatized, Furihata had called his mom and was allowed to spend the night at the luxurious Tokyo home of the birthday boy, mainly because he was too scared to go outside in fear of a clown attacking him and Rakuzan all loved Furihata (some a bit more than others ;) ) and helped him set up a mini bed in the living room for the brunet to sleep on.

 

The party had started up again when Furihata woke up from his mini rant and they all munched on some delicious party food. The highlights of that were definitely Furihata and Akashi sharing some pasta, Kiyoshi jokingly proposing to Izuki and Nebuya innocently asking Hanamiya if he was pregnant and getting freezing cold cola poured down his pants. Satan bless Hanameme. 

 

The gift opening part was next and Reo just looked so damn happy opening every one of his presents even Hanamiya had to crack a genuine smile. Kiyoshi had given Reo a gift card to Hyuuga’s dads salon (Reo had thanked him happily and slid it into his wallet next to all the other gift cards he had recieved), a penis highlighter from Hayama to go with the vagina one of course, a set of empowrering feminist buttons from Imayoshi that ranged from ‘KILL GENDER ROLES’ to ‘ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER (and prettier too)!’. Reo had been surprisingly touched by that one. But by far the best present had to be Mayuzumi who had gifted his beautiful goddess of a boyfriend an adorable snow white kitten he had somehow managed to keep hidden in a bath tub.Reo had cried a little then dubbed the kitten “Chihiro” which was bound to make things real confusing but hey...who cares right? Not y’all lmao.

 

As the clock struck twelve the birthday boy was carried to his bedroom by his boyfriend to probably get his lovely body ravished in the horizontal dance with no pants while Furihata was left downstairs with Akashi, the cat, Nebuya and Hayama. 

 

The two young pointguards spent a good twenty minutes chatting with the two members o the Uncrowned Kings before they both decided to turn in for the night and headed to the guest bedroom. Judging by Nebuya’s hand on Hayama’s plush rump they were totally going to go churn the butter. Furihata was just glad the walls were thicc as fuck!!!

 

Soon it was just Akashi, Furihata and the cat. 

 

The two sat on the air matress with the cat in Furihata’s lap, Furihata absentmindly stroking the cat as Akashi rested his hand cautiously on Furihata’s bandaged hand.

 

“I’m sorry this was probably not the birthday party you were looking forward to…”

 

Furihata laughed a little. “That’s true.” He admitted and allowed Akashi to interlock their pinkies together. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have fun. It was kinda hillarious when Reo-nee caught Hanamiya-kun stealing his body scrub...I feel like those two have history don’’t you think? Ooh m-maybe I’m reading too much into this…”

 

Akashi gazed at Furihata with a tender smile. The brunet looked stupidly cute in Reo’s borrowed pajamas with the sweet kitty asleep in his laugh and the golden light of the lamp illuminating his whole self.

 

“I’m really glad I met you Sei…” Furihata said quitely and Akashi rested his chin on Furihata’s shoulder, quiet as he listened to the others confession. “I mean...t-this side of you...I really like this side of you…”

 

“Well, I like you too Kouki, I thought that was kind of obvious.” Akashi chuckled and moved so close so his nsoe brushed Furihata’s cheek. He could feel the smaller boy stiffen before relax in his arms.”Besides, I’m glad to hear that, after all you were the one who brought this side of me out the most...I cannot thank you enough...well...maybe I can.”

 

Before he could lose the courage Akashi leaned over and kissed Furihata’s cheek. His beautiful tanned, slightly freckled cheek that felt ridiuclousy soft under his lips. Akashi pulled away and moved to touch Furihata’s other cheek with his hand but the brunet looked like he had simply passed out from shock. Akashi laughed to himself and tucked Furihata in, arranging the cat next to Furiahata’s head before lying next to the two and falling into a deep dreamless sleep. 

 

While it may have been Reo’s special day today...it was surely an equally memorable day for both Akashi and Furihata as well. 

 

(Like Aomine would say. _‘lov those gay a$$ motherfuckers!!!’)_


	22. SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS (and feels down your spine!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hallowiener Y'all!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so ive been thinking about this for a while and ive finally come to a conclusion of ending this fic! its been a blast writing this fic and its helped me meet so many new friends but ive dragged the story on for long enough. the kn fandom is (sadly) disappearing and its hard to continue a fic for a dying fandom. i hope u all understand! thank u for being such supportive readers <3 this fic would be nothing without all of you

‘Damn I’m boutta get me some Hallowiener tonight!’ Fukui thought excitedly as he heelied around Wei who was just trying to open the door to his room peacefully. ‘Ew I sound like Izuki. Ew.’

 

“Excuse me, excuse me Kensuke can you please stop that I am trying to open my door so we can get into my room and perform sexual intercourse-”

 

“Damn, love it when he extra!” Fukui cackled and Wei just stopped fiddling around in his bag for his keys to give his strange maybe boyfriend a confused look before resuming his hunt for dem keys. Sometimes it was better to not comment on whatever nonsense Fukui was spewing on a daily basis.

 

Well, that nonsense was also one of the many reasons Wei loved that spunky little dirty blond. It sucked quite a bit that Wei could not express his true romantic feelings for the ex point guard because whenever Fukui heard the word love he chicken ran the fuck away from that situation.

 

So Wei was left to express his love for the Smol Guy™ in other ways...very pg 13 kinda ways…

 

Wei grinned triumphantly as he felt his fingers close around his key in his bag and he pulled it out and very gently pushed an uncharacteristically hyper Fukui away from him (he did not need those heelies to cause him to drop his keys then roll over his keys and snap them in half that would definitely not be good) and opened the door to his ultra clean room. Fukui heelied inside then flopped onto the bed before spreading his legs and seductively removing his heelies.

 

Wei had to laugh a little at the ridiculous antics unfolding in front of him and locked the door behind him before climbing onto the bed, hovering over Fukui, planting an open mouthed kiss on the smaller boys lips.

 

They did the kiss for a while. It was quite nice, quite gay and quite wet. Wet because of the saliva. From their mouths. On their face. Not sex wet.

 

Y’all!!!

 

Anyways they were making out and crap and Fukui was moaning because he had Wei junior pressed against his stomach and they was gonna do the frickle frackle all hardcore and shit but thEN Wei decided to cock block his own damn self and pull away from their kiss with his stern facial expression screaming: ‘BITCH I’M BOUTTA INTERRUPT US ALMOST FUCKING AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS AND BONER KILLING!’

 

Fukui groaned and propped himself on his elbows, shaking his sweat slicked bangs from his face and bracing himself for a long ass rant about something tragic and boring (LIKE IZUKI’S BOOTY HAH) and mentally planning his escape already.

 

“Kensuke,” Wei began and spoke over Fukui’s annoyed grumbles, batting his small hands away as the blond attempted to feel up Wei’s abs. “We need to talk.”

 

“Yeah dude I was just gonna say, my ass isn’t gonna eat itself y’know-”

 

Wei was definitely not blushing. Nope. No flush of the cheeks here y’all. Homeboy just had some natural colour in those cheeks.

 

“While I will admit that your behind does hold a special place in my heart we need to talk about something else...a little more important.”

 

‘What the fuck can be more important than my ass?’ Fukui thought like the intellectual he was.

 

“I...the thing is...I referred to you as my boyfriend the other day…” Wei looked almost ashamed as he looked away from Fukui’s half naked on the form to the window to his left, frosted over from the cold. It was quite a dramatic scene. Fukui awkwardly put his dick back into his boxers. You just can’t have your balls hanging out during the most important moments of your life.

 

“Um...why though.” Was Fukui’s intelligent ass answer.

 

Wei rubbed a slow circle into Fukui’s bare thigh, coaxing a purr from the other boy. He got smacked for that though. Fukui wasn’t gonna moan like no pussy when he was about to get shook as heck from his fuck buddy. His penis ppal. His wiener acquaintance.

 

Anything but his boyfriend!

 

Fukui was allergic to that word like Okamura was allergic to latex. That had been an incredibly awkward and painful for both of them to figure out as it had been during last years training camp when they had to share a hotel with Touou and SOMEHOW Okamura and Sakurai had ended up hooking up (like wtf? Mushroom and gorilla? Who tf saw that coming??? MushRilla for the win tho y’all) and Okamura had innocently tried to slide a glove on his pee pee and woke literally everyone in Tokyo up with his screams of pain.

 

Long story short DON’T HAVE SEX BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU WILL DIE OR AT LEAST END UP GETTING KICKED OUT OF A HOTEL BECAUSE OF YOUR INFLAMED DICK.

 

Irrelevant story that creates yet another plot hole in this story for the sake of a reference aside Fukui was a hardcore aromantic that don’t need no love so he was anxious as fuck for what Wei was boutta say.

 

(‘There’s a lot of slang in this chapter.’ You say. ‘Has the writer gotten lazy?’ And to that I say; ‘fuck ouutta here with dat bullshit yall tf are yall my english teacher yall came for the memes not the grammar lesson dont make me backhand u outta my own damn fic smh’)

 

“My parents asked me who I’m spending my Christmas break with, as I am not going back home to spend it with them for once, so I accidentally told them I was spending it with you...my boyfriend?”

 

Fukui must’ve looked extra pissed (like even more pissed than the time Murasakibara had woken him up at 3 am to help him try and break into the nacho bar) and crossed his arms looking like a mom who was giving her kids three seconds to clean their shitty act up.

 

“That’s fucking funny.” Fukui said dryly. “But the thing is...I’ve told you...so many fucking times...that we’re. Not. Dating.”

 

Wei looked mildly annoyed as he ran his long fingers through his hair and sat back looking lowkey intimidating hovering over Fukui with his nearly 7 foot tall frame and swole ass self.

 

Not that Fukui would be scared by a fucking sophomore or anything!

 

“Well..we make love almost every night-”

 

“Big fuckng deal!!!”

 

“We often share kisses throughout the day-”

 

“My lips get lonely man!”

 

“I love you Kensuke, why can’t you see it?” Wei whispered loudly and grabbed Fukui’s hands, looking deep into his eyes no matter how much Fukui tried to break the stare. “Is it really too much to ask from you? We’re practically dating anyways! Does it really matter if you think you can love or not?”

 

That was a total fuck boy answer and if there was one thing that Fukui hated it was clowns-wait no it was fuck boys AND clowns. In that order.

 

So Fukui did the rational thing and tore his hand from Wei’s tight grasp and slapped him full across the face, spitting a tasteful “fuck you” at him before storming out the door, before immediately coming back to scoop up his Halloween costume on Wei’s dresser where he had stored it a week prior.

 

“I have some friends to meet up with.” Fukui said coldly and shoved his bag under his arm, prepared to storm out dramatically once more but had his waist grabbed by the taller boy. He let out a manly shriek as he felt himself being lifted into the air by strong arms and whipped his head around to glare daggers at the upset looking Chinese boy.

 

“Please, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Wei murmured into Fukui’s neck and Fukui pretended he didn’t love dat shit. “I would hate for you to leave with you being so angry at me.”

 

Fukui sighed and before he could properly think about the consequences he kissed Wei on the mouth, smirking as Wei let out a surprised noise and dropped him.

 

“Whatever. I forgive your fuck ass. I don’t need you crying and fapping on Halloween. Go chill with Himuro or some shit. I seriously need to go, bye bitch~”

 

Wei couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he watched that spunky little blond of his bounce down the hallway (DAT ASS THO MHM FUKUI WAS INDEED BOUNCING) and disappear into the elevator.

 

He was so in l-word with that boy it was unreal. But he could keep his true feelings to himself for now, as long as it made Fukui happy…

 

Wow that was gay y’know what we need to battle that gay? MORE GAY COMING RIGHT UP!

 

WHO ORDERED SOME PIPING HOT HOMOSEXUALS ‘CAUSE I’M FUCKING DELIVERING!

 

_7:48 pm_

 

PunPrince: YALL READY TO SEE MY RAD HALLOWIENER COSTUME!!!

 

FuriKou: im not sure ill ever be ready to see any of ur halloween costumes omg senpai

 

PunPrince: wut dat supposed to mean u bitch???

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Excuse me do not refer to Kouki using a derogatory term!

 

PunPrince: fuck outta here with dat gay ass shit akashit theres gonna be plenty of that tonight!!! Yall prepared to go HAM on my neighbours??? Eight o cock ladies my treat ~3~

 

FuriKou: EIGHT O COCK OMG WHAT????

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Ladies?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh that’s a cute emoticon.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ~3~

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I should just dress up like that tonight!

 

FuriKou: Sei-kun is so cute!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Not as cute as you~ (or your dog he is quite the sweet pupper)

 

PunPrince: the fuck is dis DIS SO GAY OMG WHAT DID I MISS ARE U GUYS BOYF BOYF

 

PunPrince: like me and teppei

 

PunPrince: we’re boyf boyf

 

PunPrince: OUR RELATIONSHIP IS REAL FUCK WHAT HANAMEME SAYS

 

PunPrince: REALATIONSHIP HOYA

 

PunPrince: realationship realer than reos ass holla lmao

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I believe that your relationship with Kiyoshi is indeed a realationship but I would appreciate if you refrained from making fun of Reo’s super model like features?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: In the words of Hayama; “Kise ain’t got nothing on my bad bitch Reo-nee!”

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I am willing to overlook the derogatory term because I am sure Hayama did not mean it.

 

PunPrince: ...FURI WHERE TF DID U GET A BOYF SO PURE WTF I WANT ONE

 

FuriKou: but ur ‘boyf’ is already pure senpai!

 

PunPrince: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) thats what the government wants u to think

 

FuriKou: ...how do u delete ur entire internet?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hahaha Kouki is so adorable when he’s frustrated. I can just imagine your nose all scrunched up...ahhh I can;t wait to see you tonight…

 

FuriKou: oh sei!!! I cant wait to see u 2!!! I bet ur costume is gonna be so cool!!! It looks gr8 so far!!!

 

PunPrince: i feel like im drowning in a sea of gay and no one knows im here omg is this how kuroko feels all the time?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh! You got my snaps! I keep accidentally posting what I want to send to you on my story so now I have Aomine and Midorima and the likes of them spamming my messages demanding to know if we are an item or not. It is quite annoying. I think we should make an official announcement tonight, if that’s okay with you?

 

FuriKou: omg,,,um,,,sei i dont think im ready to actually be um…

 

FuriKou: boyf boyf?

 

FuriKou: hahaha im sorry i dont think im ready to date!!! Like...i rlly like u but...this boyfriend thing…

 

PunPrince: SOMEONE THROW ME A LIFE SAVER BEFORE I DROWN IN THIS GAY

 

PunPrince: life saver??? Omg is that the candy or the life saving thingy???

 

AkashiSeijuurou: The word you’re looking for is life preserver Shun. Anyways, Kouki I respect your decision. We can make it official when (or if!) you want to. I’m just hoping...this is quite embarrassing but I was hoping to maybe get another kiss tonight? If that’s okay with you? My lips still feel all tingly and I can feel my heart swell when I think about our last kiss.

 

PunPrince: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) u sure thats all that swells?

 

FuriKou: SENPAI OMG STAWP GET OUT OF HERE PLS UR BEING CREEPY!!!

 

PunPrince: i never meant to worry u my son i love u pls calm down i will never leave u

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I think it would be better if we just ignore him hahaha

 

PunPrince: hahahahaGO EAT A DICK AKASHIThahahaha

 

FuriKou: um okay...anyways...SEI KUN DONT SAY SUCH EMBARRASSING THINGS OMG!!! B-but of course ill give u another kiss...i cant stop thinking about waking up at reos house with u spooning me...it was...so nice!

 

PunPrince: furi confirmed for the female lead in any generic shoujo anime

 

PunPrince: ID WATCH IT!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: As would I…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh Nebuya’s calling me...it’s almost eight I should be getting ready!!! See you two soon. Especially you Kouki <3

 

FuriKou: omfg…<# ttyl sei!

 

FuriKou: SHIT I MEAN ,3

 

FuriKou: OMG <3

 

PunPrince: furi stop being so god damn precious for one second and let me be the cute one!!!

 

FuriKou: but senpai u ARE the cute one!!!

 

PunPrince: y-y-y-y-y-y-you think i iz kawaii?!!111??11 xD

 

FuriKou: okay u stop that right this minute

 

“Hey hey you you I DON’T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!” Takao sang as he danced around Midorima’s room wearing nothing but some spicy underwear and some sorta bondage belt around his waist.

 

Takao pointed the hairbrush he was using as a microphone at Midorima who sighed and reluctantly took it from his small boyfriend.

 

“No way, no way.” Midorima said flatly. “I think you need a new one.”

 

“THAT’S THE SPIRIT!” Takao shouted and kept on jamming as Midorima sighed, obviously fighting back a smile as he resumed drawing fake stitches onto his neck with eyeliner he definitely didn’t steal from Kise back in their Teiko days. “Your Frankenstein costume looks sexy as hell babe ten outta ten!”

 

Midorima’s left eye twitched (Takao really loved paying attention to the little things about his boyfriend <3) and he dropped the eyeliner and made eye contact with the raven through the window.

 

Takao found it super hot ngl. Commence the fucking m i r r o r shame.

 

“You actual imbecile, Frankenstein wasn’t the name of the monster! It was the name of the creator! Fool!”

 

Takao faked a moan and snuck up behind Midorima to give his green skinned, green haired, sour faced lover a tight hug and giggle at his discomfort.

 

“Love it when you shame and educate me in one breath babe.” Takao said honestly and nuzzled the small of Midorima’s back. He was supposed to be getting ready for the epic point guard Halloween meetup that was happening in less than fifteen minutes. So Takao had exactly 0.14.59 minutes to get into his costume (he had his wig and accessories ready, just needed to pull his hand made costume on his sexy smooth like peanut butter body), drop Midorima off at their local church (they were having a youths night and Takao didn’t really wanna bring Midorima to meet his point guard friends because he was lowkey scared that Hanamiya was either gonna flash or kill his boyfriend and Takao wasn’t sure what was worse) and make his way to Maji burger where their on fleek squad would turn it the fuck up!

 

“Is that your Halloween costume?” Midorima hummed as he coloured in some dank ass dark circles underneath his eyes. Takao was kind of jealous of how Midorima was pretending to have dark circles under his eyes when mere mortals like Takao were cursed with black holes under their eyes from staying up at night and reading conspiracies about Cailou. Takao never trusted that stupid bald fuck in the first place!

 

“I could go out like this~ A male stripper would get a shit ton of candy!!! Oooh and money! I need to pay back Miyaji-senpai and his brother because apparently they’re charging us for every pineapple flavoured drink they shove down our throats during practice??? THEY’RE SCAMMING US! THIS IS SOME KUROKO SHIT RIGHT HERE!”

 

Midorima stiffened, looking quite uncomfortable at the mention of Kuroko’s name. Maybe Midorima had had his life ruined by Kuroko the Scammer™ at one point or another.

 

“I don’t want anyone else seeing you like this.” Fifty Shades Of Shit-chan sounds fucking hot.

 

“Damn babe! Love it when you possessive!!!” Takao cooed and reluctantly let go of Midorima to retrieve his costume (that he had hesitantly ordered from eBay because there was that one time where Midorima had ordered a one of a kind mirror online and it had been broken in it’s package, if Takao listened closely he could still hear Midorima’s horrified screaming) and casually pulled it on over his underwear, adjusting his bondage looking built and clipping what needed to be clipped before bending down to pull on his boots.

 

As he finished up with his footwear he noticed Midorima was watching him curiously.

 

“Kazu what exactly are you supposed to be?”

 

A bunch of bat shit crazy answers swirled through Takao’s brain.

 

‘A disapointment! Your main hoe! The Coolest Dude™ in town! The baddest bitch there ever was! YO MUM!’

 

But he decided to be straight (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) and clear with his boyf.

 

“I’m Levi from Attack on Titan! Don’t I just ooze badassery from my pores???”

 

Midorima opened his mouth to probably make a scientific remark about how it was physically impossible to ooze baddasery from your pores but he shut his mouth and gave Takao a little smile which had him SHOOK!

 

“You look very nice Kazu.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Kazunari please get off the floor I know I don’t compliment you regularly but it cannot be that big of a deal- Kazunari PLEASE-”

 

_8: 13 pm_

 

BubblegumBitch: hey hey Captain wassup~

 

BlackWidHoe: i am NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS HARA TF DO U WANT DONT MAKE ME DOUBLE UR TRAINING REGIMEN

 

BubblegumBitch: but u already doubled it last week because i looked at u funny lmao

 

BlackWidHoe: IM TRIPLING IT

 

BubblegumBitch: that could deadass kill me

 

BlackWidHoe: consider it tripled it then!!!! Thatll teach u to stop fucking with me when im not in the fucking mood!

 

BubblegumBitch: damn who shit in ur cereal lmao

 

BubblegumBitch: i thought u fucking loved halloween? Havent u been like planning ur costume for like...a year…

 

BlackWidHoe: its not that u ingrown toenail im all dressed and shit but shoi always does shit last minute and hes in the bathroom getting ready and every moment im not outside trick or fucking treating im suffering hardcore

 

BubblegumBitch: dont get ur tiddies in a twist lol it doesnt matter how late u are to getting candy and shit lol what matters is how hot u are and how much skin u be showing

 

BlackWidHoe: im quadrupling ur training fuck boy

 

BubblegumBitch: WOW UM OKAY can u at least tell everyone else that i was killed by ur bomb ass pussy?

 

BlackWidHoe: ill tell them u died trying to suck ur own dick cuz no one wanted to do it

 

BubblegumBitch: WOAH IS UR THONG DIGGING INTO UR ASSCHEEKS A LITTLE TOO MUCH damn baby u need to chill

 

BlackWidHoe: its not a fucking thong its a classy family friendly pair of shorts!

 

BubblegumBitch: that dig into ur crack okay sure

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck outta here with dat shit i look fly as HELL

 

BubblegumBitch: speaking of fly as hell ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

_*BubblegumBitch added GlamoReo to the conversation*_

 

BlackWidHoe: consider it quintupled

 

BubblegumBitch: HAH UR STUCK cant go any higher than that look whos the loser now lmaoooo

 

GlamoReo: still u hun, still u

 

GlamoReo: ooh anyways hi mako-chan!!! Thanks for coming to my party and giving me a vibrator (thats hopefully not used ew) and trying to steal my cat!!! U left ur birth control in my bathroom btw i mailed it back to u!

 

BlackWidHoe: lol no wonder my panties be looking like a battlefield lately

 

BubblegumBitch: i do not have a vagina but one time captain sat on me for being ‘an ugly ass doo doo head’ so i like to think i know how vaginas work CUZ IT WAS RIGHT NEXT TO MY FACE LMAO

 

GlamoReo: mako-chan how can u stop being so gosh darn rude to ur teammates oh my!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck outta here ugly lmao

 

GlamoReo: UM

 

BlackWidHoe: watchu gonna do? Go crying to ur bf? He be looking like a teletubby on crack HAH

 

BubblegumBitch: this costume makes u so much more savage i fucking love it

 

BlackWidHoe: ugh fuck off

 

BlackWidHoe: anyways reo what ur fake ass gonna be for halloween?

 

BlackWidHoe: if ur copying my costume ill fucking end u fyi

 

_*GlamoReo sent a photo*_

 

GlamoReo: look!!! Im sandy from grease! Dont i look cute as a blond?

 

GlamoReo: oh did hara-chan go offline? Is he okay??? I hope i didnt kill him with my beauty teehee <3

 

BlackWidHoe: hes probably fapping to ur photo

 

GlamoReo: oh

 

GlamoReo: ewwwww

 

GlamoReo: mako-chan ur teammates are almost as gross as ur boyfriend!!!! Oooooh speaking of Yoshi-chan are u and him going as a couples costume?

 

BlackWidHoe: tf u call my bf hoe he aint no mediocre ass dino hes a fucking strong ass MAN

 

GlamoReo: who got stuck in my flower pot

 

BlackWidHoe: fuck off we all make mistakes!!!

 

GlamoReo: my petunias are still scarred…

 

BlackWidHoe: ur petunais can go suck a dick ANYWAYS yeah ofc me and shoi are gonna be a couple costume im being harley quinn and unlike all the other fake fans out there I ACTUALLY READ THE COMICS!!!

 

GlamoReo: okay hun whatever u say

 

BlackWidHoe: eat shit im a true fan ur just angry that mayu broke up with u for a week cuz u thought spiderman and dead pool were the same person!

 

GlamoReo: i never knew he cared so much about those silly men in red…

 

BlackWidHoe: anyways shois being poison ivy and hes being lazy and wearing a green suit and taping leaves to his face

 

BlackWidHoe: i tried to get him to tape legit poison ivy on his face but it didnt work for some reason??? Lmao whatever his loss

 

BlackWidHoe: what u and ur bitch being?

 

GlamoReo: chi-chan? He insisted on dressing up as one of his waifus :( no cute instagram photos here, i cant believe hes rocking my old school uniform better than i ever did! I will admit itll be quite the adventure to make love tonight but i am always up for a good challenge!

 

BlackWidHoe: stop being so god damn fucking perky all the time isnt it enough to have the worlds biggest most fucking perkiest tiddies and be the nicest most cutest thing ever? Fuck outta here with that unrealistic life standard

 

BlackWidHoe: imma go jumpscare shoi in the bathroom lmao hope he falls in the toilet again thatd be lit

 

GlamoReo: lit?

 

GlamoReo: am i lit?

 

GlamoReo: im going to ask kou-chan

 

_8: 43 pm_

 

GlamoReo: update he says im very lit

 

Kasamatsu sighed in a content kinda way. He was currently lying on their dining room table, looking up at the plastic stars that had been glued to the ceiling of the room by the previous occupants of the house with a beautiful blond in his arms and the smell of pumpkin spice lattes wafting around the whole place.

 

Moriyama and Kobori were both headed to the lobby of their dorm (apparently anyone who came in full costume got a months supply of candy corn and being the broke ass bitches they were they were totally gonna take advantage of that sweet ass deal) and Moriyama was scrambling around trying to find a last minute costume AND try to keep a conversation with Izuki going while Kobori just sat on the couch, completely decked out in the costume Nakamura had helped him pick out weeks ago, watching their friend panic with an amused smile.

 

“Do you want me to text him?” Kobori chuckled as Moriyama tried to gel his hair back and send Izuki a dank meme at the same time.

 

“Oh my God yes please!” Moriyama gasped and tossed his phone to his snickering friend as he tried to achieve the perfect Swoop™. “Send him a doge meme and then a bunch of eggplant emojis.”

 

“Romantic.”

 

“Oooh and the peach one too! Even though his ass ain't that big hahaha...don’t tell him I said that.”

 

Kasamatsu snorted as Kise laughed into his chest, the vibrations making him squirm in a pleasant way. Kasamatsu wasn’t sure what to call his complicated relationship with Kise. Over the past few months he had grown incredibly close with the blond. Kasamatsu had always thought that after he said his final goodbyes to Kise after graduation that that would be it but the younger boy was insistent on keeping in touch and one thing led to another and pretty soon it was a common occurrence for Kise to spend to nights in Kasamatsu’s bed if he had stayed over at the dorm for dinner or for them to meet up in the library with Nakamura and Hayakawa to do homework or usually just go over a new play style Nakamura had thought of.

 

Suddenly the way Kise smiled especially brighter at Kasamatsu or the way his high ives lingered a second or two longer than they really should’ve started turning into tender gazes when the other wasn’t looking or interlocking fingers under the table during casual lunch dates.

 

But neither of them were quite ready to admit that what they had was way more than a friendship. Kasamatsu was hell bent on focusing on school and trying to subtly help his team, he had no time for a relationship! Besides, there was always that underlying feeling that Kise would always want something more out of their relationship, something Kasamatsu couldn’t give him, something he just didn’t want to give him!

 

Kise was a pretty sexual guy as it went, making as many innuendos and sex jokes as much as you expected your average 17 year old would. He would occasionally catch himself telling Kasamatsu a story about how his middle school team captain was totally hooking up with Haizaki during their Teiko days then immediately realize who he was with and stop the story immediately but then find himself telling the same story again a couple days later. Nakamura was also there to inform Kasamatsu that Kise wasn’t a stranger to touching himself in the showers or talking about his (currently) non existent sex life with anyone would listen.

 

Kasamatsu just had no idea how they could work out, and he spent his nights wondering if it was worth it to change himself to stand a chance with Kise.

 

(His brain always came to the same logical conclusion: HELL NAW BITCH)

 

Anyways back to the gays on the table.

 

As Moriyama and Kobori finally left, Kise found himself cuddling closer into Kasamatsu’s chest. He was fucking exhausted, after a seemingly never ending day packed with school and practice and a fucking shoot to top it all off nothing felt more relaxing than just relaxing in Kasamatsu’s warm protective arms.

 

“You have anywhere to be tonight?” Kasamatsu asked Kise, eyes focused on the Big Dipper above. “Guys like you love Halloween don’t they?”

 

“Too tired.” Kise answered sleepily. It was the truth at least. He was fighting to keep his eyes open, amber orbs (‘orbs’? What is this wattpad??? Lmao this isnt the roast yourself challenge ill stop) glazed over as he stared up at Kasamatsu, admiring that rad jawline from below. “What about you?”

 

Kasamatsu feigned annoyance but Kise could see he was truly excited for his plans. The glimmer in his steel blue eyes gave it away. Kise fucking loved that glimmer. Whether it came out during a basketball game or during a super successful training session or even when he was just talking about the most mundane things it just made Kasamatsu look so damn determined and handsome.

 

Kise was so damn whipped.

 

“Meeting up with the rest of the point guards in like half an hour...thinking of wearing my old jersey as a costume haha...hey do you still have it with you?”

 

Kise nodded guiltily and Kasamatsu smacked his neck lightly with a grin that looked the opposite of bothered.

 

“Keep it...it l-looks good on you. I can just wear my sweat shirt anyways…”

 

They smiled at each other, Kise’s warm and Kasamatsu’s shaky.

 

Holy fucking shit you just basically confessed!!! Kasamatsu thought, trying to keep the blush off of his face. The blush won. Kasamatsu cursed his fair skin and how easily embarrassed he was. He snuck a glance at Kise and to his relief the blond looked just as pinkened.

 

“Yukio’s so cute when he’s all embarrassed…” Kise’s voice lacks the usual pep and it makes Kasamatsu tap his nose and give him a confused look.

 

“What’s up? You look more than just tired, you look drained Ryouta.”

 

Kise blinks twice and before Kasamatsu can repeat the question he moves his head forward lightening fast and presses his lips to Kasamatsu’s in a tender kiss. There’s a little bit of tongue involved and it has Kasamatsu whimpering but before he can deepen the kiss Kise pulls away and smiles cheekily up at the older boy.

 

“T-the fuck was that for???” Kasamatsu sputtered and Kise just smiled, looking a little bit back to his normal cheerful self.

 

“I’m quitting modelling.” Kise announced in a pleasant sounding voice and planted another kiss on Kasamatsu’s lips, this time the other taking advantage and grabbing a fistful of blond hair and kissing him back with passion. Their heated kiss only lasts a moment, Kasamatsu jerking away as he feels Kise’s hands trailing down his stomach, nails digging through his thin shirt.

 

“You’re what????”

 

“I’m quitting modelling. It’s getting too much. I’m so tired lately and when I told my sister she told me to quit either basketball or modelling and I just can’t quit basketball.” Kise said and stared at Kasamatsu with a twinkle in his eye. “It’s so special to me...I met Yukio through basketball...plus basketball doesn’t make me feel gross and objectified like modelling does lately...the shoots have gotten so lewd!”

 

Kise shuddered and Kasamatsu growled instinctively. If Kise felt even the slightest bit sexually uncomfortable he would surely swoop in and beat the hell out of anyone who was making him feel that way.

 

“Yukio-chhi calm down haha! I promise I’m stopping it before anything majorly bad happens! I have one last shoot next week and then I’m done forever…”

 

Kasamatsu took a moment to process this information. In all honesty he didn’t really care for Kise’s side career. Not in a bad way but really he had thought that Kise could do better without it. Sure Kise had helped to introduce him to some wonderful people through his shoots but Kasamatsu just didn’t have time to use the tips they had given him for his guitar and photography...plus ultimately it was Kise’s decision...but Kasamatsu was being 100% honest when he said that he supported Kise in this situation.

 

When he told the blond this he ducked his head and let out a relieved sounding sigh.

 

“I was hoping you’d say that.” He admitted.

 

Kasamatsu still had one question on his mind. He propped himself back onto his elbows and grinned stupidly at Kise.

 

“Okay that all makes sense but why the hell did you kiss me you fool?”

 

“Oh…” Kise seemed a little lost as he wrapped his arms around Kasamatsu’s neck loosely, legs going around his waist, pulling himself onto Kasamatsu’s lap with ease. “Because I like Yukio! And I couldn’t think of a good time to confess then now! Also Yukio looks really good in these kitchen lights~”

 

“Idiot.” Kasamatsu sighed with an endearing smile, letting Kise pepper his face with kisses. “Well you’re really lucky that I l-like you two or this would’ve been really awkward.”

 

They both share a laugh and as if on cue Kasamatsu’s phone on the coffee table starts to ring. He reluctantly helps Kise off of his lap and manages to catch the name of the person who called him.

 

“Who was that?” Kise hummed as he draped himself on Kasamatsu’s back. Kasamatsu snorts and shoves him off as he picks up his phone and pockets it.

 

“It’s Fukui. He’s probably already at Maji Burger by now. I should go too...hey you um, wanna help me get dressed?”

 

Kise gasped a little and did a little dance like Kasamatsu had just asked him to prom instead of asking him to help put on his raggedy ass Halloween costume.

 

“Yukio, I’d love to!”

 

_8: 28 pm_

 

SwagZaki: hey dude u there

 

Kuroko: ….

 

Kuroko: Haizaki-kun?

 

SwagZaki: hells yah its me bitch!!!! Whats popping????

 

Kuroko: Oh lord what kind of fresh hell is this? Are you trying to get me back for making Nigou pee on Aomine-kun’s bed? It wasn’t me I swear…it was Kagami-kun!

 

SwagZaki: uhhhhh tf lol???

 

SwagZaki: niji gave me ur skype name hey i just wanna know if u think that i can maybe uh join ur team hahaha sound good?

 

Kuroko: The fuck?

 

Kuroko: You think you can just walk into MY HOUSE and ask if you stank ass doo doo self can join my sacred wholesome team?

 

SwagZaki: hey now man ive been through a lot!!! I got fucking corn rows man u dont know what ive been through?

 

Kuroko: Don’t even bring up those nasty fucking corn rows Haizaki-kun, I ought to rip them off and shove them up your pimply white ass for how you treated everyone during the Winter Cup.

 

SwagZaki: ...see that is a valid point but maybe me being on ur damn team can help me improve as a human and shit!!! I love basketball man and ur team is good at basketball so i should definitely join ur team!!!

 

Kuroko: So it has nothing to do with the fact you wanna stick your two inch weenie into both our point guards?

 

SwagZaki: FUCK U IM PACKING A TEN INCH

 

SwagZaki: AND I SWEAR IM NOT JUST TRYNA FUCK UR PGS

 

Kuroko: Are you trying to churn the butter with Coach Riko too?

 

SwagZaki: WTF DIS BITCH IS EXPOSING ME FUCK THIS NIJI I CANT JOIN THIS CRACK ASS TEAM ID RATHER GO DUMPSTER DIVING THEN TALK TO U AGAIN!

 

Kuroko: Dumpster diving? Again? That sounds like some white people with corn rows kind of nonsense.

 

SwagZaki: FUCK U IM MIXED!!!

 

Kuroko: Yes. Mixed with shit. Happy Halloween hunty, talk to you never.

 

“Hanameme I’ll trade you that gum for this cheeto!”

 

“What the fuck? No bitch-”

 

“It’s shaped like a penis~”

 

“...Gimme…”

 

Takao very carefully handed Hanamiya the sacred genitalia cheeto and gleefully squealed as he had the gum thrown at him.

 

“Why is he so happy?” Imayoshi wondered out loud. “That gum fucking loses it’s flavour as soon as you bite it la maow.”

 

“Kinda like Shin-chan.” Takao said wistfully and Izuki choked on his ice cream that he managed to get from Riko’s dad for looking so gosh darn adorable. His costume was adorable, clever and kinda sexy. He was wearing a white shirt with a vagina on it (he had borrowed it from Riko), a set of cat ears and a cat tail to match. He was a pussy cat!!!

 

Fukui was a cute lil panda, Furihata had donned some sugar skull makeup and a tux (although his makeup was all smudged because he and Akashi had been making out nonstop all night), Akashi was the world’s nerdiest vampire with the turtleneck and rain boots and ear muffs Reo had forced him to wear with his costume, Kuroko was an honest to God pumpkin and to be honest he was the only one who could make the look so iconic, Imayoshi and Hanamiya looked seriously adorable in their couples costume (how Hanamiya managed to stay adorable with a blood stained bat we don’t know but he fucking did that!!!), Kasa was himself what a disgusting human being and finally Takao was the baddest bitch in the anime world: Levi, equipped with some sick ass 3d maneuver gear that he had used to smack Fukui up with before stealing the blond’s collection of Reese’s Pieces Peanut Butter Cups.

 

The whole evening had been full of iconic moments such as Kuroko using his pumpkin mask to beat the shit outta a bunch of clowns that tried to jump him, Furihata sharing his best candy with everyone, Akashi driving them all to his Tokyo home in an actual fucking limo, Takao getting his 3D maneuver gear stuck in the tires of the car and nearly dying, Imayoshi ‘accidentally’ exposing Hanamiya’s entire boob while he was trying to adjust his boyfriends shirt and Kasamatsu being the responsible mom he was and making sure everyone divided their candy up equally before letting everyone pig out completely.

 

“These guys are gonna have the worst sugar rushes tonight.” Kasamatsu complained. Already Takao was starting to bounce off the walls, Izuki vibrating in his seat and Furihata childishly bouncing up and down in Akashi’s lap much to the red heads amusement.

 

“Oh whatever.” Fukui laughed and shoved Kasamatsu lightly before handing him several fun sized Kit Kat’s. “Go nuts with them, they’ll be easier to deal with when you’re just as high as them!”

 

“Yeah you’d know everything about being high.” Hanamiya remarked and shrieked as he was pelted with Warheads. “SHOI SAVE ME!”

 

“On it dear.”

 

“DON’T CATCH THEM WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH-OH MY GOD MY BOOB!”

 

“LEMME PERFORM CPR ON IT!!!”

 

“I think he just wants an excuse to feel you up Hanamiya-kun.”

 

“OOH I WANNA TOUCH THE HANABOOB!”

 

“Mhmmm Sei is that some extra candy in your pocket?”

 

“No I’m just very very excited to see you.”

 

“EW AKASHIT KEEP IT IN YA PANTS...I mean it is in ya pants but still!!!”

 

“Like you’re one to talk!”

 

“FIGHT ME YOU ACTUAL HOEBAG nobody but me talks to my man like that!!!”

 

“Nobody but I.”

 

“AIGHT SOMEONE GOOGLE HOW TO KILL A GHOST!”

 

“Guys…” Kasamatsu said exasperatedly, trying in vain to get everyone’s attention. “Guys! You guys….y’all aren’t gonna stop huh?”

 

Kasamatsu just had to smile to himself as he watched the beautiful chaos unravel, he rested a head on Fukui’s shoulder taking it all in. He felt an arm wrap around him as his eyes darted from Kuroko using Izuki as a shield from Hanamiya’s lollipop bullets, to Imayoshi poking fun at a blushing Furihata in the arms of a proud looking Akashi to Takao who was trying to bribe Fukui into trading his marshmallows for a cheeto that “totally resembled Himuro right down to the fat ass!”

 

Sure these guys were downright obnoxious at their worst but at their best hey were still fucking obnoxious but in their own ways...somehow still endearing.

  



	23. surprise bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will i ever be free of this fic? nah prolly not lmao
> 
> SO IT WAS ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS BDAY YESTERDAY! oh madz, what would i do without u? i cant even believe we met in the comments of this very fic a year ago like how crazy is that? im so glad i chose to reply to ur comment that faithful day and start one of the most important relationships of my life with u! i love u more than words can express and u so deserve more than a shitty lil chapter to this crap fic but seriously i hope u enjoy this present <3
> 
> to everyone else: i felt like i ended this fic on a weird note and while this isnt a proper epilogue by any means i think im finally satisfied with the ending after this chapter! thx for all the kind words and support! i love every single one of u~

AkashiSeijuurou: Hanamiya Marie Ann Makoto where were you at exactly 11:03 pm last night tell me now or I will scissor you hard. 

 

SockSenpai: don’t say that.

 

BlackWidHoe: THAT AINT MY MIDDLE NAME WTF 

 

BlackWidHoe: ‘marie ann’ smh fuck outta here w/ dat caucasian nonsense akashit 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Tell me now. 

 

BlackWidHoe: No. Lol.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: WHERE WERE YOU AT EXACTLY 11:03 PM LAST NIGHT?

 

BlackWidHoe: shut up ugly

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ??? Tell me!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: i cant read suddenly i dont know 

 

SockSenpai: one sec, i got this. 

 

SockSenpai: hanamiya tell him.

 

BlackWidHoe: ok i was getting hara to do my nails in the mcdonalds near kiridai

 

BlackWidHoe: he did a whack ass job too smh

 

PunPrince: u mean the mcdonalds yall went to CRY IN after we WHOOPED YOU IN THE YEAR OF 2013???

 

BlackWidHoe: no but it was the mcdonalds i convinced seto to crawl into the slide where his fat a$$ got stuck so id rate him a 4 out of 5 tbh

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Okay so, you weren’t in Rakuzan’s dorms last night, more specifically in Reo’s room, correct?

 

BlackWidHoe: check my fukcin snapchat story ugly i got time stamp and geo filter proof and EVERYTHING 

 

SockSenpai: he’s right Akashi. For once. 

 

BlackWidHoe: eat my fucknig cervix sock senpai

 

SockSenpai: no thanks, akashi why did you question hanamiya about his whereabouts last night?

 

PunPrince: cuz some wild shit prolly went down last night @ rakuzan and akashi wanted to ask the SHADIEST PERSON IN THIS CHAT!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: im honoured. 

 

SockSenpai: if he wanted to ask the shadiest person he should just ask imayoshi.

 

TheShadyKing: u come into my house and disrespect me in front of my thots i cannot BELIEVE YA

 

SockSenpai: What the fuck is a thot.

 

PunPrince: ITS A TERM OF ENDEARMENT 

 

SockSenpai: is it?

 

PunPrince: YAH CALL KISE A THOT CALL KISE A THOT CALL KISE A THOT 

 

BlackWidHoe: dont call kise a thot 

 

BlackWidHoe: hes a TURBO THOT 

 

PunPrince: NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Here I am trying to play Nancy Drew for Reo and you heathens cannot even assist me I am disgusted. 

 

TheShadyKing: is reo hurt, are they okay, did they get robbed, they better not have stolen their ass implants or i will be incredibly upset

 

AkashiSeijuurou: -_-

 

TheShadyKing: :)

 

PunPrince: all my friends r eating steak real slow 

 

BlackWidHoe: shut up ugly lmao 

 

PunPrince: KSHSKSJSJSJDSKSKJFKJFJFSLS;F;HK

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I’ve realized that not giving any of you information on the case has probably not helped so I will explain. 

 

SockSenpai: ...okay?

 

Taco: REOS BALD LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

PunPrince: LOL WHAT

 

BlackWidHoe: I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR SO LONG 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Reo is NOT bald. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: He just…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: You know…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: He…

 

Taco: HAD HIS WEAVE SNATCHED HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

AkashiSeijuurou: That is offensive and not true at all. 

 

PunPrince: BUT REO IS THE ONE THAT SNATCHES THE WEAVES not the other way around???

 

BlackWidHoe: send a pic fucking asap i need a new phone background and reo BALD sounds better than a pic of shoi fishing 

 

TheShadyKing: babe,,,

 

BlackWidHoe: stfu ugly ass doo doo head before i expose ur damn ugly receding hairline to the world 

 

TheShadyKing: dont do this to me ur my fav thotty for a reason i dont want ya dropping to third 

 

TheShadyKing: ya wont fall any lower than that dw reo is off my list now that hes bald 

 

SockSenpai: everyone is so...baldphobic.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: REO IS NOT BALD.

 

SockSenpai: …

 

AkashiSeijuurou: But if he was it wouldn’t be a problem!

 

SockSenpai: :)

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Last night, at around 11:03 the hall monitor reported Hayama and Nebuya sneaking into Reo’s dorm room. They claimed to want to meet him for basketball purposes and she let them by which was quite a mistake. 

 

Taco: and she told u??? Damn snitch 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I threatened to scissor her. 

 

SockSenpai: STOP SAYING THAT

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Anyways, they snuck into his room and this morning at breakfast Reo had his wonderful long hair tucked into a frumpy ugly Mayuzumi looking beanie and when I gently confronted him about it he went ‘batshit’ and started sobbing about how pixie cuts are so not in right now and how he’s going to find a suitable wig until his hair grows back out.

 

PunPrince: so he woke up....with an ugly haircut? Damn thats like...reverse rapunzel…

 

BlackWidHoe: what the fuck kinda version of rapunzel did u watch???

 

TheShadyKing: hmmmmmmmm

 

Taco: hmmmmMMMMMM

 

TheShadyKing: hmmmmmmmm

 

Taco: HMMMMMMMMMMMM

 

TheShadyKing: Akashi 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Me. 

 

TheShadyKing: so ya tryna tell me reo had long lovely gorgeous beautiful silky sweet vanilla bean smelling inky dark lavender hair beFORE ya weird cheeto puff teammate and his nebula friend?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ...yes?

 

TheShadyKing: so uh,,,why dont ya,,,question dumb and dumber on where reo’s hair went?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: ...BRB. (Be right back)

 

PunPrince: LOL WHERE IN THE WORLD DID REO’S FUCKING WEAVE GO 

 

BlackWidHoe: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

TheShadyKing: if reo needs wig recs tell him to hit the dollarstore, its where makoto gets his ;)

 

BlackWidHoe: You Think This Is a Fucking Joke?

 

Taco: rest in ugly pieces @ imayoshi

 

7:34 pm 

 

FuriKou: what did i miss guys???????

 

TheBlackWidHoe: reos a bald ass bitch wbu hoeuauaua

 

FuriKou: darn ok whats wrong with being bald???

 

PunPrince: reos one thicc bihhh

 

Taco: LEMME SEE DAT RUSSY 

 

FuriKou: o not that weird meme again!!!

 

PunPrince: IM NOT TALKING TO UR RN!!!

 

FuriKou: senpai i said i was sorry!!!! What else do i have to do omg!!!

 

PunPrince: RESTORE OUR SNAPCHAT STREAK

 

FuriKou: I CANT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

 

Taco: everyone knows the eight deadliest sin one can commit is breaking a snapchat streak 

 

PunPrince: IT WAS 168 DAYS TOO 

 

Taco: ESPECIALLY IF ITS A THREE DIGIT NUMBER FOR SHAAAAAAAAAAME FURI

 

FuriKou: GUYS I ALREADY CRIED ONCE WHEN SENPAI CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!

 

BlackWidHoe: sorry doesnt bring streaks back HOE

 

SockSenpai: i dont have a snapchat.

 

Taco: WHOM ASKED

 

TheShadyKing: my young padawan 

 

BlackWidHoe: nerd 

 

TheShadyKing: my young chihuaua 

 

FuriKou: yes???

 

TheShadyKing: i can jailbreak ya phone 4 u! Itll bring back ya lost streaks!

 

FuriKou: REALLY?!?!?!?!

 

SockSenpai: i dont have snapchat but i am already suspicious.

 

SockSenpai: almost as suspicious as when moriyama said he was too big for a condom. 

 

PunPrince: RIGHT?!?!?!

 

PunPrince: did u show him that photo of me putting a condom on my foot 

 

PunPrince: did u 

 

SockSenpai: sure

 

FuriKou: UH BACK TO JAILBREAKING 

 

TheShadyKing: ah yes 

 

TheShadyKing: ill hack ur phone for the low low cost of one (1) nude

 

FuriKou: WHAT

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I am calling the police right now, I just filed a report for sexual harassment, Kouki is a minor, you’re sexually harassing a minor you sick pervert you’re going to rot in prison forever I hope your mean boyfriend never visits you in there.

 

SockSenpai: WHERE WAS THAT KINDA THREAT INSTEAD OF THAT SCISSORING BULLSHIT 

 

TheShadyKing: damn akashit ya try to peep a look at dat freckled ass and suddenly im in jail? Life comes at u fast tbh 

 

Taco: skate fast eat ass

 

Taco: thats the takao life motto

 

TheShadyKing: thank u 4 that takao kazunari 

 

Taco: np ugly evil demon 

 

FuriKou: plz no hacking my phone imayoshi san 

 

BlackWidHoe: he cant hack wtf this one time he tried to hack aomines phone 4 a free pornhub membership and just threw an eggplant at it

 

BlackWidHoe: it didnt work sur fucking prisingly

 

Kuroko: Amateur. Steal your boyfriend’s credit card like the rest of us.

 

FuriKou: no wonder kagami is always complaining about being broke!!!

 

Kuroko: I have needs Furihata kun. 

 

Kuroko: Do you understand?

 

FuriKou: yah i do dw!!!

 

Kuroko: Sexual needs Furihata kun. I need porn for my sexual needs.

 

FuriKou: OMG I GET IT STOP ANYWAYS

 

FuriKou: ill go ask my brother and see if he’ll send a shirtless pic to izuki senpai and see if that makes him feel better 

 

PunPrince: get urself a kouhai like dat 

 

FuriKou: AM I FORGIVEN YET???

 

PunPrince: show me dem pecs first 

 

BlackWidHoe: u have like 7 boyfriends bitch what the fuck?

 

PunPrince: jelly much???

 

BlackWidHoe: i will eat u, u stupid hoe 

 

Taco: nicki minaj’s most iconic song tbh

 

PunPrince: vore me daddy long legs 

 

SockSenpai: you all never fail to give me a migraine. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Update. It was Hayama and Nebuya who had the audacity to chop a lock off of Reo’s hair to sell for money to bribe the student council president into changing Rakuzan’s mascot to a minion…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Why would they…

 

FuriKou: idk sei!!!

 

AkashiSeijuurou: How did they go from wanting one lock of hair to cutting it all off?

 

BlackWidHoe: its like how i evolved from poking people with thumb pins to switch blades during matches issa natural evolution man 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: WHO IS BUYING REO’S HAIR?

 

TheShadyKing: me ;)

 

PunPrince: akashi is akaSHOOK

 

PunPrince: akaSHAKING IN HIS GRAVE

 

Taco: noice

 

PunPrince: ALSO @ IMAYOSHI SHUT UP UGLY IM PREPARED TO SELL KOGANEI 4 REO’S HAIR TBH

 

Taco: i will sell u,,,one,,,green haired men,,,

 

Taco: no wait i need to rent him out actually we gotta date tomorrow 

 

PunPrince: aw babe where? 

 

Taco: the libary :P

 

SockSenpai: *Library. 

 

Taco: STINKY KASA GO EAT A BASKETBALL UGLY

 

SockSenpai: lmao wha???

 

PunPrince: birb meme dude

 

PunPrince: vore a basketball sock daddy 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: What is a vore.

 

PunPrince: a kiss ;)

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Oh okay! Vore me Kouki!

 

FuriKou: Aww Sei you’re so sweet! Of course I’ll vore you!

 

BlackWidHoe: FUCK

 

Kuroko: Izuki senpai needs to be kept away from the rest of the human population at all times, a novel by me. 

 

SockSenpai: co written by me.

 

BlackWidHoe: edited by me

 

TheShadyKing: published by me ;)

 

Kuroko: Do not affiliate yourself with us, you ugly mistake of a human. 

 

TheShadyKing: i love my friends ;)

 

_ 11:32 pm _

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Aaaaaaaaaaaand Reo’s hair has been sold. Humans are strange. 

 

PunPrince: I CANT BELIEVE I DIDNT GET IT UGHHHHH

 

Taco: me neither wtf 

 

TheShadyKing: i bid my prized fishing rod and sakurai and i still lost??? This is homophobia

 

SockSenpai: it’s really not…

 

TheShadyKing: fine demonphobia whatever’s politically correct to ya ;)

 

Taco: well if the COOL people and imayoshit didnt win the hair who did???

 

SockSenpai: it wasnt hayakawa he bid his eyebrows and i can already tell you that no one wants those.

 

Taco: LOL KASA MADE A FUNNY 

 

TheShadyKing: a good funny indeed

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Well it wasn’t Kuroko either. 

 

Kuroko: Okay Satan what did I do wrong now?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Your email to Hayama and Nebuya read ‘Give me Reo’s hair or I will haunt your asses until the end of time. Or until I find someone cooler to haunt. Give. Me. The. Hair.’

 

Kuroko: I don’t see a problem with that? Does anyone else I didn’t think so I cannot believe I’m not getting the hair I’m going to lie down with my dog on my face to feel better goodbye everyone. 

 

TheShadyKing: ya damn kids these days,,,all furries and shit,,,

 

Taco: OKAY ACTUAL DEMON MAN???

 

TheShadyKing: ;)

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Okay so the REAL winner of Reo’s hair...that is an odd sentence…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Is…

 

AkashiSeijuurou: …

 

AkashiSeijuurou: (Drumroll please.)

 

PunPrince: youtube.com/drumroll 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: (Thank you Shun.)

 

AkashiSeijuurou: It’s Fukui! Congratulations we’re mailing the hair as we speak!

 

PunPrince: WHAT

 

PandaPrincess: lol nice

 

Taco: AW FUCK U FUKUI

 

Taco: FUCKUI

 

Taco: FUCK U 

 

PandaPrincess: clever, very clever 

 

BlackWidHoe: HOWD HE GET THE HAIR 

 

PandaPrincess: um because i offered actual money instead of trying to sell my teammate lmfao???

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I personally would’ve accepted Murasakibara but that’s just me. 

 

SockSenpai: damn akashi...same tho 

 

PunPrince: do u think that man just has a giant purple dick

 

BlackWidHoe: …

 

PunPrince: imma go ask himuro TACO SNAP ME BACK furi send me that pic of ur bro squirt emoji HANAMIYA DONT MAKE ME BLOCK U ON INSTAGRAM imayoshi stop being so ugly OK GN FRIENDS 

 

BlackWidHoe: lol gn THOT 

 

PunPrince: sweet dreams HOE

 

TheShadyKing: im gonna go bother mayuzumi and tell him hes like a less cool danny phantom he hates it when i do that 

 

Taco: the danny phantom theme was a BOP AND A HALF TBH im gonna blast it next time at practice since the first years dont know what REAL MUSIC IS

 

SockSenpai: i like real music.

 

Taco: u listen to country music kasa ur not a real person go back too fucking ur tractor in a cornfield in illinois 

 

SockSenpai: i wont stand this god damn slander im going to bed.

 

Taco: NO WONDER U LOVE KISE HES GOT YELLOW HAIR LIKE CORN!!!!!

 

PandaPrincess: im gonna resell reos hair on ebay for like a million and say its kylie jenners lmao bye yall wish me luck

 

Taco: chaotic evil 

 

Taco: gn akashit 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Good night Kazunari! 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Kouki. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Are you there?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I’d like to see your beautiful face before I sleep. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Since if I see you I’ll be more likely to dream about you. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: And I love dreaming about you.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Kouki are you there my love?

 

BlackWidHoe: damb u needy ass bitch 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: He just updated his snapchat why won’t he reply?

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Aw but he sent me the sweetest pic of his dog!

 

BlackWidHoe: he sent that to everyone lmfao u aint special 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: :(

 

AkashiSeijuurou: WAIT. Those are not his shoes? Who is he with right now?

 

BlackWidHoe: ya daddy 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: No, I know which one of you would try to sleep with my father to get money and he is not one of them…

 

BlackWidHoe: LOL WHO WOULD THEN 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: You, Shun, Kazunari and Tetsuya probably. 

 

BlackWidHoe: homeboi aint wrong 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Please stay away from my father you heathen.

 

BlackWidHoe: Too bad I’M ALREADY IN THE WILL HAHAHAHAHAH

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I cannot believe you and my horse have been put in the will before me.

 

BlackWidHoe: u rich people and ur depressing ass humour 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: I cannot argue with that. 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: KOUKI IS ONLINE everyone act cool. 

 

BlackWidHoe: good luck ugly imma go and scam ur dad 

 

FuriKou: dad scamming??? Omg

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Hello Kouki! Did you and your mystery man have fun without me?

 

FuriKou: OH SEI!!! I knew u would be jealous! But it was just kawahara!!!

 

AkashSeijuurou: Is he the bald one?

 

FuriKou: yah!!!!! Hes super cool and chill and funny and nice and has a shiny head but id never date him! Ever! Besides i have u <3

 

FuriKou: i dont need anyone else because ive got the best!!! 

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Well I cannot argue with that.

 

AkashiSeijuurou: <3

 

FuriKou: u shouldnt be jealous if we go to mcdonalds together at three in the morning or take walks in the park or have lunch together at fancy restaurants or have sleepovers and sleep in the same bed or hold hands platonically or 

 

FuriKou: wait this isnt helping me 

 

FuriKou: I PROMISE NOTHING ROMANTIC HAS EVER OR WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US! 

 

FuriKou: dont u trust me???

 

AkashiSeijuurou: Of course I do. Can we call now? <3

 

FuriKou: totally! <3

 

Kuroko: As a homoseuxal, I am pleased.

 

Kuroko: As a Kuroko, I am disgusted. 

  
TheShadyKing: HI DISGUSTED I'M DAD(DY)

 

Kuroko: ...

 

***Kuroko has left the chat***

 

TheShadyKing: ya know i had to do it to 'em ;)


End file.
